G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

There are a lot of obstacles in adapting G. I. Joe into a full-length movie. And most of them stem from the source material: a doll. Over the years, there have been many marketing materials employed in selling these dolls, and most of those took on a life of their own. The comics (especially those written by Larry Hanna) and the mid-eighties cartoon series. In both cases, the attention any character received was determined by which new toy Hasbro was pushing that season. Still, some characters managed to obtain popularity and endure: Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow, Zartan, etc. While the characters in the series were generally defined by their role and ability, the characters in the comics actually had complex histories and relationships. Logically, that’s where one would look in adapting G. I. Joe for the big screen. However, it would appear that the writers of the movie were unfamiliar with either the comic OR the series.

The writers could have utilized the comics to focus on the complicated murderous history between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (which the movie does acknowledge, but overly simplifies) and how it ties them to Zartan. They could have explored Cobra Commander’s relationship with his estranged, revolutionary son. They could have taken advantage of the romantic triangle between Destro, the Baroness, and Major Bludd (who is entirely absent from the movie). They could have recounted the doomed relationship between Ripcord and civilian Candy. But instead, the backstory is reduced to a lame romantic fling between Duke and the Baroness in the most unsurprising development imaginable. No Springfield. No Cobra Island. No Dr. Venom. No shocking deaths. 

The writers even ignore the cartoon. The Baroness is American, while members of the Joe team are not(!). Destro does not don his mask until the very end (in a hilariously absurd scene) while the Commander never wears his at all. Ripcord is black. Breaker is Iraqi. Hawk is worthless. And while I understand that no one can replace the late great Chris Latta as the voice of Cobra Commander, the voice Joseph Gordon-Levitt uses sounds like a villain voice put on by a twelve-year old.  And Snake Eyes was always a fascinating character despite his silence. Here, he is only trotted out for action scenes. No Shipwreck. No ridiculous Cobra-shaped hideouts. No lame PSA’s.

The movie is pseudo-camp. Rather than approach the subject seriously, or with a modicum of respect, the filmmakers throw garish costumes on the actors, fill the script with recycled clichés and relentless magical exposition, and spin and sweep the camera mercilessly. The cinematography is bland. The score is a generic canned thumping monstrosity. And the actors rush through their awful dialogue breathlessly. Flashbacks are regularly dropped in so clumsily, I have to commend the filmmakers for resisting the urge to introduce them with wavy line dissolves and harp musical cues.

The movie even fumbles on the action scenes. There was a time when stunts showcased physical prowess. They were impressive to marvel at, and even suspenseful as physical harm seemed nearly impossible to avoid. But in the digital age, where cartoons are employed to do most of the stuntwork, action scenes are just an excuse to illustrate how much physical damage property can sustain. Cars crack and windows break. Shit blows up, but none of the leaps and slow motion missiles are remotely convincing. 

The only highlight is the flashback between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. As ten year olds, they meet are instantly mortal enemies. While the scene is muddled by poor camerawork and clumsy editing, watching two ten year olds fight in that heightened grown-up Hollywood kick fighting dance is the pinnacle of the movie’s camp sensibilities.

Going camp rather than serious and dark is probably a smart decision. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don’t go far enough in that direction. Generic dialogue from ordinary action scenes are recycled – rather than the tried and pathetic humor from the series. The filmmakers could have had a field day trotting out the Crimson Twins or creating Serpentor or employing Zartan’s propensity for turning blue in sunlight. All ridiculous conceits from the series that are ripe to be mocked. Imagine anyone trying to take Village Peopled Shipwreck seriously. If turning the movie into a comedy, why not take advantage of Cobra Commander’s baffoonish incompetence from the series? As a result, everything feels half-assed and on auto-pilot. The characters are even more paper-thin than the original case files that accompanied each action figure. But in all fairness, that original cartoon really, really sucked. Still, the comic excelled at times. This was a chance for someone to do G.I. Joe right, and they fucked it up royally.

 

*For the sake of full disclosure, I am a bit bitter because I actually adapted the first fifty issues of the G.I Joe comics into a trilogy of scripts that I think are pretty decent. And they went with THIS instead? Bah!

Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein

I have never been a fan of bedtime. I always stayed up later than I was supposed to. But in the era before cable or VCRs, there wasn’t a whole lot for a five-year-old to do after hours. There were no networks completely dedicated to animation or old television shows. There was nothing I could tape to watch over and over at my leisure. Instead, I relied on local programming. Those five stations that generally defaulted to talking heads after ten o’clock.

But my favorite channel was the local nothing channel – later to be absorbed into FOX. On Saturday nights, at 10:30, this channel played a different Abbott and Costello movie every week. This is where I became a fan. Later, this same channel would play Abbott and Costello movies every Friday night from 12:30 until 5 in the morning. I would spend the entire week in anticipation of staying up all night watching black & white movies. I still do that regularly.

Abbott and Costello made 36 movies together during their career. And most of them are crap. They relied too much on the same ole routines. Their dynamic rarely changed. Costello mugged for the camera too much and never strayed from his whiny man-child persona. And most of the plots were paper thin and strained any and all logic. Despite this, I watched many of their films over and over, and even came to love a few. It was on one of those Saturday nights when I stumbled upon the movie that inspired me to delve into film history for the first time. Most of these movies were completely forgotten by Sunday morning, but not this one. One Saturday night, I was lucky enough to witness Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein.

The plot is surprisingly clever. Dracula plans to revive the Frankenstein monster. In order to do this, he has employed a female mad scientist to find him a docile brain for transplant. The brain in question: Lou Costello’s. But Larry Talbott (aka the Wolf Man)  has found out about Dracula’s plot, and employs Abbott and Costello to help stop him. Hence, the holy trinity of Universal Monsters were all engaged in a single plot along with one of Universal’s most bankable comedy teams. And what is most impressive about it: the monsters play it straight – making it work both as a horror film and a comedy film. That last point is debatable, but if one were to exorcise Abbott and Costello from the film, it would play as a straight up horror movie.

From the morbid opening animation to the chaotically choreographed chase through the castle, this movie is great fun. Bela Lugosi plays Dracula (one of only two times he ever played his signature role). Lon Chaney, Jr. plays Larry Talbott. Sadly, Boris Karloff did not reprise his role as the Frankenstein Monster – having retired from the role nine years earlier. Both Lugosi and Chaney are excellent in their most famous roles. They never once back down from the seriousness the story requires. They aren’t suddenly more clumsy or incompetent than they are in other horror films. They don’t crack jokes There are some pathetic moments played for laughs – the Wolf Man’s stalking of Costello in the hotel room is a particularly drawn out and ridiculous (although Costello’s paranoia that Talbott may have counted the apples in his fruit bowl is a comic highlight). But the climactic chase through the castle is a near perfect culmination of plot and character.

Costello is strapped to a rolling gurney. The Frankenstein Monster is strapped down on a gurney nearby. The mad scientist is preparing for the operation when Abbott and Talbott break into the lab. As horror movie timing would have it, Talbott then notices the full moon. He transforms, right there with his hands (now paws) untying Costello’s binds. Just then Dracula returns. The old enemies regard each other and take opposing stances on each side of the gurney. Dracula pushes the gurney aside as he retreats out the door - the Wolf Man hot on his heels - leaving the rolling gurney to spin out of control. The score reaching a fevered pitch of shrieking strings. It is just then that the Frankenstein Monster regains consciousness and breaks his own straps. Abbott unties Costello and they race through the castle – trying to escape the Monster and avoid the warring vampire and werewolf crashing through the halls at the same time. If only every movie ended with such a wild monster mash-up.

Inspired by the movie, I bullied my parents into buying me my first film book (which I happen to still own). This book did an excellent job of breaking down the different kinds of old school horror into different categories. Vampires, werewolves, zombies, atomic age monsters, aliens, and Frankenstein. Upon reading the book, I was surprised to find A&CMF listed in the Frankenstein chapter of the book. It turns out, it’s the eighth movie in the original Frankenstein series – absorbing the Dracula and Wolf Man movies into its story. Instantly, I became intrigued by this. I wanted to see the other movies. How did a story evolve from the original Frankenstein (or if going chronologically, the original Dracula) to A&CMF?

Once I had a VCR, it became my mission to track down all of the Frankenstein movies in order – as well as any ancillary horror films like The Invisible Man - and collect them. I also resorted to scouring the television schedule – hoping to find them. At one point I acquired a VHS-C camcorder and would point the camera at the TV screen in order to get copies of some of these movies. I still have those video tapes of The Invisible Man in which one can hear the phone ring or a door slam. The image quality was terrible, but it was the only way I had to get some of these movies. Sadly, many of the Frankenstein movies did not become available on video at all until I was nearly done with high school. At last, I could see the missing pieces between the Wolf Man and the Frankenstein monster getting entombed in ice, and how Wolf Man and Dracula became mortal enemies fighting over the Frankenstein monster. How did this happen?  It didn’t. By the end of the penultimate entry, Dracula has yet even to know that either the Wolf Man or Frankenstein monster even exists. The Wolf Man is cured. Dracula and the Frankenstein monster have been destroyed (again). The continuity had grown more and more spotty as the franchise progressed, but I didn’t expect events to downright contradict what would come later. What a let down.

Despite my disappointment, the anticipation of seeing how this story tied together remained just on the periphery of my radar for a decade. This anticipation was another factor in my budding love of the serialized story – as incongruous and contradictory as it may be. At least this story built to something. It eventually ended up with many threads crashing together. Granted, some threads were invented specifically for the final movie, and the beginning is stronger than the ending. And the ultimate fate for all monsters involved seems no more final or conclusive than any fate each of the monsters had encountered previously. But this was the order I experienced the movie in, and so everything was foreplay to that final brawl.

In the years since, it is easy to see that A&CMF is not a very good movie, although it remains deeply important to me. Despite how it incorporates three separate movie franchises rather effortlessly, it is a sad shadow of the original films that inspired each series.

Using my first film book, I taught myself a great deal about the history of Universal Horror – and I have become a life-long fan of the black and white horror movie. There are still movies mentioned in that book that I have yet to see. I also went on to purchase Abbott and Costello film books. Thanks to A&CMF and its serialized nature, I became a life long fan of film history. Over the next few years, I taught myself all about black & white horror movies, and continue to seek these gems out. I miss the gothic Teutonic sets and broadly morbid humor that these old horror movies have.

I have remained a fan of both horror and serialized story-telling ever since.

Some favorite movies discovered on the journey inspired by Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein:

• The Bride of Frankenstein. In particular, I love any scene that features Enrest Theisenger’s Dr. Pretotious. The dry, morbid humor. The surreal look. And the famous climax. The technical leaps made between the first movie in 1931, and this movie, made in 1935 are astounding. Everything here is top notch. 
  
• The Wolf Man. My fetish for all things werewolf starts here. The rules are laid out. The stakes are set. The consequences are non-negotiable. And Lon Chaney, Jr. is fantastic. 
  
• The Time of Their Lives. One of the few Abbott and Costello movies where they are not a team. The plotting is clever. The special effects are especially impressive for their time.  And I love the séance scene in which the ghosts must figure out how to communicate with the living. I have yet to see another movie tackle a séance fro this perspective.
  
  
• Hold That Ghost. An absurd Abbott and Costello movie that plays like an extended Scooby Doo episode. There’s a lot of filler and terrible plotting, but it remains one of my childhood favorites. I especially love the dance between Costello and Joan Davis. One of the best choreographed dance numbers in all of film. 
  

Netflix is being weird again

I had complained about Netflix regularly shipping me DVDs from far off cities - thus causing them to take a long time to arrive. To Netflix's credit, not only has it started happening less, but they often send me an extra disc to tide me over while I wait for the far off disc to arrive.

Then today, Netflix didn't send me a movie at all. Even though they received two dics from me today, they are only shipping one out. They will ship the other one on MONDAY. Why is this? Who knows? 

Man on Fire

Misanthropic Period Epics

The Empire Strikes Back

In this series, I plan to go back a examine all those bits of pop culture that have most heavily influenced who I am and what I like. And I will try to keep it in autobiographical order. Mostly, I will be talking about movies. But also some TV shows. And a few musical artists.

I remember a lot about my early movie-going experiences. I remember I had to sit on the seat in its upright position so that I could see over the crowd. I remember always getting popcorn and the salt would sting my lips. I remember that there was only one movie I would not sit still for and had to be dragged out of. However, I don’t remember the name of that movie. All I remember is that it was about a Pegasus in a barn.

I also remember a few moments when I first saw Star Wars. The audience laughed at the “These are not the droids you’re looking for,” scene. I didn’t laugh. I didn’t get it. Also, I was three at the time. I also remember asking one of my parents what the characters were talking about when they talked about the Force. I will never forget the answer (although I’ve forgotten which parent had the answer). He/She told me, “God”. Although I’ve never believed in God, that answer made sense to me.

I also remember a bit about seeing The Empire Strikes Back. To be exact, I remember actually getting a joke. As Han Solo is about to incased in carbonite, Leia confesses to Solo, “I love you.” He stoically replies, “I know.” I laughed. The audience laughed. I was thrilled that we both laughed together. We laughed and laughed.

I don’t know how, but Star Wars was a major part of my life as a kid. I only saw each of the movies once in a theater (my parents have never understood why I would want to see a movie more than once), and the movies didn’t get played on television much. Still, my friends and I referenced Star Wars constantly. I had two dozen action figures, but they were always random bizarre characters that my parents bought. (Thanks for the Hammerhead action figure, Mom!)

I always had different taste than the other kids. So when I would declare my love for The Empire Strikes Back as my favorite Star Wars movie, I was always shouted down. Empire sucks. Star Wars or Return of the Jedi got all the love. In the years since, Empire has come to be the critic favorite of the Star Wars franchise. The reasoning usually revolves around how much more mature the characters are in this installment – which is true. It’s also mentioned that Empire does not depict war as a parade of soaring victories, but instead it is presented as something dire and dark and with consequences and casualties. Even won battles had consequences. Also true, and also very welcome by me. It also drops the hedonistic comic book gloss the other two movies have. And of course, there’s the mother of all plot twist. I’m being sincere (if not a bit hyperbolic) when I say that in a single sentence, movies were changed forever.

When Vader makes his infamous revelation to Luke, he catapults Star Wars from the realm of high priced genre filck, to soapy serial with a deep, mysterious backstory. In this moment, a character who was the walking epitome of one-note darkness, becomes a multi-faceted figure of high tragedy. This was big stuff folks, and god damnit, I don’t remember my reaction to this bit of information. Did I already know this going in? Maybe. I don’t remember. As a bit of shock plot revelation, I don’t know how this weighed on me. And it is nearly impossible to find someone who doesn’t already know about this. It just seems as if it has always been this way.

But as a story-telling device, Darth Vader’s confession splits apart the story of Star Wars like a dam bursting open. These were no longer stock characters we were dealing with. There was a story that existed beyond the opening and closing titles.

But this is all stuff I appreciate as an adult. What drew me to Empire as a kid? The nightmarish imagery. The grandeur foreboding. And the cliffhanger ending. There is so much visual horror that remains seared in my mind. The movie is full of rampant dismemberments. Luke loses his hand. A tauntaun gets sliced open and its stomach and intestines spill out. The snow beast gets its arm sliced off. In a vision Luke decapitates Vader. And in one of my favorite scenes C3PO gets blasted to pieces and lugged around in a backpack. The C3PO scene starts as 3PO spots a similar droid who who spits out some indescernable profanity. “How rude!” exclaims C3PO before investigating a corridor and getting blasted to pieces. Later, when Chewbacca reconnects 3PO’s head to his body (backwards, I might add) 3PO comes to life and gives his belated warning – as if from the dead. “Stormtroopers? Here? Oh, no! I’ve been shot!”

And there’s plenty more dark imagery to haunt the mind. The funeral procession of Solo’s corpse being paraded through the stark sets of Cloud City. The creepy puppet (why don’t more movies use puppets as characters!) Yoda’s whispery response to Luke’s assertion that he’s not scared. “You will be. You. Will. Be.” And the dark running joke in which Vader magically strangles a chain of officers who fail him. Even the camera behaves differently. Shot with low angles and darker cinematography.

What often fails to be mentioned is the nature of the creature that is Empire Strikes Back. It is the middle child of a trilogy. Most of the criticism the movie received in its initial release focused on how the movie has no beginning and no end. Of course, it DOES have a beginning and end, but neither is definitive and absolute. The movie does not reintroduce its characters. It does not assure the audience of their fate at the end, Empire does not coddle the audience in the slightest. And THAT is what I love about it. It doesn’t waste any time setting things up. It doesn’t feel the need to tie up loose ends. It just exists as much as it needs to.

It’s a bold way to tell a story. The writers and director assumed the audience knew as much as they needed to, and they assumed the audience would understand that the story would extend beyond the credits. As a result, the story seems bigger, uncontainable, and not easily brushed away. The story lingers, leaving you to wonder what will happen next. For ten whole minutes after my first screening of Empire, and I was sick to death about what would happen to Han Solo. Maybe even longer. I wasn’t too worried, but let me tell you, it weighed on me. Movies rarely do this. They don’t end ambiguously. They don’t assume the audience can remember small details from one installment to the next. They don’t grow darker, but Empire did.

It is from Empire, that my love for the mid-point of trilogies exists. From The Two Towers, to Back to the Future II, to X2, to Spider-Man 2. The movies that open and close with unresolved conflicts and tensions remain my favorite. And it is precisely for this reason that I came to love The Pirates of Caribbean movies. That second movie that left everything in chaos and dragged the happy ending of the first movie through the mud. As the Harry Potter movies continue, they grow more and more like Empire: dark, unresolved, and rife with casualties.

The first movie is just like any other movie. The last movie is often a let down. But that second movie, that one can raise the bar and turn an ordinary story into a juggernaut. This also extends to TV series. I love serialized shows that build and build, add layer upon layer, and grow darker and darker. I would like to thank Empire right now for inspiring a new generation of filmmakers to take their stories to the next level.

Some Movies I've Seen Recently

This past week I saw three movies that I really, really liked . . . but I doubt many others would like them.

First up: Bruno

I went into Bruno with my arms crossed, waiting to hate it. That's exactly the same way I went into Borat. I remember sitting through the first ten minutes of Borat getting irritated. He seemed to be mocking poor countries and foreign customs. Then something happened . . . I'll confess: I didn't know anything about Borat before going in. As the movie unfolds, I start wondering, "Are these actors or real people?" After just a few scenes, it became apparent I was watching a movie with real people getting ambushed, and it was hilarious. I normally can't deal with public humiliation, and I did watch the movie with my hand over my eyes quite a bit. But by the time the hotel scene unfolded, I was doubled over laughing. 

I had nearly the exact same reaction to Bruno. After the first ten minutes, I got frustrated with the pot shots at gay stereotypes, but by the time Bruno was giving oral sex to a ghost in front of a psychic, my stomach hurt from laughing so much. Is it homophobic? Sure. Is it unfair to the people it ambushes? Absolutely. Is it pardonable? It's sheer audacity and shock tactics push it so far over the top that nothing ever offended me once the movie had me on its side. I've never seen Sacha Baron Cohen in anything else, but in these two films, he has created a uber character that brings hilarious chaos wherever he goes. 

Next: Moon

Moon is a deliberately paced low-budget sci-fi film. Not much happens. For most of the film, we watch Sam Rockwell go about his business harvesting minerals on the moon while occasionally interacting with a computer voiced by Kevin Spacey. Most of the twists can be seen coming from a mile away. On one hand it reminded me of The Assassination of Jesse James in how it reveled in pondering the purpose of an essentially ephemeral existence. Besides the presence of Rockwell, the two movies are nothing alike. It also reminds me of the existential struggle of The Truman Show in how one must fight what role society has enforced on us to be our own force. But naturally, it borrows most from 2001. It's not as esoteric as the Kubrick film, but it borrows much of its imagery and energy from that movie. It's short, not too heavy, but a bit of a mindfuck-lite. And I thoroughly enjoyed it. 

Lastly: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

The sixth movie in the Harry Potter franchise is by far the most plotless and shapeless. Experiencing this movie is like watching someone mope and brood for two and a half hours. But it's made tolerable by the presence of werewolves, zombies and curses. A creeping feeling of dread saturates every scene. And Alan Rickman finally gets something to do in the series (the scene where Harry is discovered by the window is pure fucking gold). Of course I say "tolerable" as if I weren't into watching people brood for hours on end. I love this shit. This movie series is dense and atmospheric and dire. It just barely skirts dipping into full out horror, but the dark supernatural is slowly edging into every aspect of the character's lives.  All that is to say, there is enough ominous foreboding for me to overlook the usual bits of awkwardness from the three leads. They're never quite as good as I want them to be. 

I have to admit to being a full on Harry Potter fanboy. I love the books and how they present right and wrong / prejudice and justice / good and evil, but I am easily able to judge the movies as movies - not as adaptations. Still, I wonder how much would be lost if I wasn't familiar with the books, and knew about all the information that is left unsaid. This movie has been called The Empire Strikes Back of the Harry Potter movies. That's accurate. From its opening moments of chaos and dread to the final moments of mourning and fear. This is slow-moving dark stuff for kids, but it's compelling fodder for adults. It's not prestige, but it's definitely fancy pulp. 

My Own Better Late Than Never

This weekend, I finally got around to seeing Galaxy Quest.

I had avoided the movie when it first came out because it looks like the kind of comedy I generally don’t like. One that mocks easy targets and contains performances that are all attitude over characterization. Usually, these movies are too broad and silly and scattershot. I need my comedies with an element of sadness – and I don’t mean some manufactured moment where the lead mopes to a tinkling piano. I mean real pathos. I need my comedies to have a focused sense of satire with targets worthy of ridicule (like oppressive ideals, not people). I need some misanthropy in my humor. I am not a fan of fart jokes and pratfalls and pop culture shout outs. I can't sit through comedies about dim-witted man-children who flail desperately and shout the audience into comic submission. So the idea of a movie that makes fun of sci-fi fans irked me. Especially with Tim Allen in the lead. He just seems drawn to broad, condescending comedies with tacked on, sugary lessons to be learned. Oh, how I hate half-assed comedies that teach me lessons. But then again, this movie also has Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman, Justin Long and Sam Rockwell – as well as bit parts by Enrico Calantoni and Rainn Wilson.

It often comes up – how much I like Sam Rockwell. I consider him a surrogate into many a film. He's far more extroverted than I am, but there's something about his self-deprecating, excitable dry wit. His ability to deflate on cue. His misleading smirk. From Confessions of a Dangerous Mind to Lawn Dogs to Joshua to Snow Angels, he never lets me down - even when the movie itself does. Inevitably, a friend of mine always brings up Galaxy Quest as a movie of his I should see. And now that I have, I finally understand what the hell she’s talking about every time she mentions “the chomper scene” in a movie.

I enjoyed Galaxy Quest. I didn’t love it, but I liked it. It's harmless and good spirited and pleasant enough. There's nothing to get upset about or offended at. Even the the most cynical, angry characters are likable and huggable. I’ve never been to a sci-fi convention. I’ve never been a huge fan of Star Trek (though I watched plenty of TNG in High School). I don’t feel as if any of the jokes were lost on me, but I couldn’t appreciate them the way someone who is immersed in that world might. I laughed out loud maybe a dozen times, which counts it as a success in my book. The first laugh came about fifteen minutes in when the alien girl makes that unearthly sound without her translator. But I was not in a constant state of giggliness as I am with some movies that win me over in the first few minutes. 

The direction was bland and half-assed and serviceable at best. There was the usual over-reliance on computer effects (although a welcome number of aliens were created with costumes and make-up), and a lackadaisical plotting that doesn't focus nearly enough on character. What saves the movie is the universally excellent performances. Sam Rockwell’s descent from gee-whiz amazement to inconsolable panic. Alan Rickman’s stock-in-trade contempt oozing from every line (“By Grabthar's hammer . . . what a savings.”). Sigourney Weaver’s sexy and cool cynicism (I especially loved the moment when she gives a low key “Hold please,” as the creature beamed up twists inside-out and explodes.). Even Enrico Colantoni's cartoonish, trotting alien was enjoyable. Only Tim Allen seems to be doing his same ole schtick - less an impression of Shatner than a less intolerable version of himself - humbled only briefly by an overheard conversation between two holier-than-thou teens. Thankfully, though, he didn't have any sentimental moment of preachy self-awareness to drag the movie into the pits of the usual moral-affirming crowd-pleaser. 

But what I really appreciated was the sense of danger. Real stakes with real consequences. The characters must rise up to save an entire civilization. There isn't a great deal of tension, but what little there is is brilliantly undercut in one moment with Justin Long's being forced to take out the trash by his mother at the worst possible time. The movie even shows death and torture (in the kindest, gentlest ways possible). And the moment that truly surprised me was near the end when many of the characters are killed in a Peckinpah-lite slow-mo montage. Comedies generally don't go there, and the director of this movie did his best to keep the darkness at arms length and make sure the audience never feels threatened - but it's there. If only this darkness had been introduced earlier in the movie, I would have been sucked in from the beginning.

With a director more willing to explore the danger in the story and having a better knack for composition, this movie could have been great. Here the director (who directed some other movies I haven't seen) just stays out of the way of the observant script and unusually smart performances.

And for the record, the "chomper scene" refers to a moment (usually in sci-fi movies) when the characters encounter a moment of manufactured danger that makes little to no logical sense and serves only to add some fake suspense. A recent example would be in the reboot of Star Trek when the characters are beamed into the alien ship and one ends up trapped in a bizarre plumbing system and must be rescued. Galaxy Quest does an admirable job of commenting on the absurdities in the genre without seeming above them. All in all, a fun movie that didn't bowl me over. 

My favorite throw-away comic moment:

• “But you live with your mother.” [Walks away.]
  

The Muppet Movie

I am reasonably sure that the first movie I ever saw in a theater was The Muppet Movie in 1979. I believe this is my first movie theater-going experience because I remember my initial reaction on arriving at the theater: I wanted to sit at the far side of the theater. There were curtains running up and down the sides, and I was of the impression that the curtains would pull back and I would find myself sitting right next to a Muppet. Close enough to touch.

My parents took me to the movies fairly regularly as a kid. I remember seeing Star Wars, The Empire Strikes Back, Bon Voyage Charlie Brown, The Last Unicorn, The Secret of NIMH, E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial, The Jungle Book, Song of the South, The Muppets Take Manhattan and more. I’m certain that if they knew how much the movies would come to dominate my life, they would never have even let on that such a thing even existed.

Watching The Muppet Movie as an adult shines a glaring spotlight on how much children’s movies have changed in the last thirty years. Compared to the kind of movies aimed at children today (including current Muppet films), The Muppet Movie looks downright gritty. It lacks the darkness that would come to overshadow most of the movies I loved as a child, but it still has a rough, seat-of-its-pants charm to it. It's not glossy or slick. And the scene at El Sleazo's is just this side of adult in its embracing of Vaudevillian one-liners and, well, sleaze. To the movie's credit, it does not condescend to kids. Still, I can’t help but wonder what exactly about this movie I loved as a kid. I generally assume it was the wonder of movies in general. Despite its children-friendly plot and action, the move’s humor depends on an adult’s sense of recognition. It doesn’t involve double entendres or political commentary. Instead, the movie shamelessly embraces outdated, corny humor, groan-inducing puns, and surreal sight gags. ("I seem to have lost my sense of direction." "Have you tried Hare Krishna?") It trots out guest stars as if in a desperate attempt to gain some kind of credibility – of course, as a three-year-old the presence of these stars was lost on me. I probably didn’t recognize a one (save for Big Bird). And it furiously sidesteps conflicts with jokes and gags.

There was much about The Muppet Movie that proved disorienting to me at the time. Once older, I could see that the disorienting moments were really just stylistic jokes and clumsy blocking. Regardless, I came to appreciate some of the dream-like illogic of how events played out or how characters moved (like how Miss Piggy magically arrives at the top of the stairs during a fight, or how Gonzo’s truck silently flips onto the Studebaker when the two vehicles crash, or how Kermit avoids getting crushed by a steamroller). Harmlessly incongruous moments like that have stuck with me, and I continue to appreciate bizarre inner logic in the movies I see as an adult. Moments that take place off camera and force the audience to fill in the gap, or shrug it off. There's something about those moments in films that draw me in and spur my imagination.

But the movie hasn't aged well for me. Watching the movie again recently, there are many problems that grate on me. First off, the humor is not the biting, dark, sly satirical kind of humor that I've come to love. Instead, the humor is safe, inoffensive, and quaint. But most striking is the movie’s rampant avoidance of conflict. Despite building up the danger with Doc Hopper and Kermit (going so far as to bring in a hired killer (“I keel frogs!”)), the movie resolves the issue with a lame sight gag with little set-up. And while the “Standard Rich and Famous Contract” joke at the end is a clever post-modern comment, it again resolves a major point of conflict without so much as a moment of tension. I need real conflict in my movies! I need consequences! I need sacrifice! Even as a kid, I generally needed this. None of that exists in this movie, but it didn’t matter to me as a kid. The Muppet Movie is about a journey across America, where friends are made easily, conflicts are resolved with sincere appeals to emotions, and bland dreams are shared and understood by all.

In this way, The Muppet Movie reminds me a lot of The Wizard of Oz. Both movies are brightly colored journeys across unknown territories. Both involve chasing dreams. And both involve making friends that share your dreams along the way. Like many kids at the time, I watched The Wizard of Oz every time it was rebroadcast on television. It was a tradition. But The Muppet Movie remains more special of the two to me if just for the way it acknowledges its shortcomings and fully embraces its lame plot points. 

For the record, my favorite Muppet has always been Gonzo – most likely due to his role in this movie. He remains an outsider. Despite having a - um – girlfriend, his eye wanders. His dream is slightly askew from the others (“I want to go to Bombay, India and become a movie star!”), but seems to relent and follow the others. He tries to insert himself into conversations only to be ignored and stared down. And I as a kid, I loved that lonely, forlorn song he sings near the end – although as an adult, the deliberately obtuse, self-pitying lyrics get on my nerves. Regardless, he had a unrelenting energy and enthusiasm. He was different. And in later movies, he was recklessly adventurous.

I remember as I left the theater, my exact words were “I wish I had Kermit and Miss Piggy”. I immediately thought that what I meant to say was that I wish I had all the Muppets. Whatever the hell that meant. Regardless, my dad interpreted my scattershot comment and surprised me with small figures of Kermit and Miss Piggy. Not puppets, but five inch, easily broken action figures. I went on to collect all the Muppet action figures in this line (there were seven). Perhaps this is where my completist collector's nature was born. 

The movie does not remain one of my favorites. It is difficult for me to go back and find something in it that I can still embrace unlike the grim loneliness of Charlie Brown or the fun creepiness of Scooby Doo. I can’t even get behind the half-assed dream chasing expressed by the characters. It’s pleasantly diverting with fun personalities. But the targets of its humor are not that particularly well chosen. The plotting is not clever or tight. And the story is not dramatic. I appreciate the surreal humor, meta-references and elliptical blocking – but not much else. In fact, as an adult, I find the movie's depiction of effortless friendships and dreams-easily-won downright infuriating. If I were to see it today, with fresh eyes, I would only see exactly the kind of movie that I normally rail against with its life-can-be-so-easy attitude. I can honestly say that this movie is directly responsible for my love of the movies, but it is one I have outgrown.

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