Still More Disney Movie-Watching

It looks like I may actually finish watching all the hand drawn animated Disney movies by the time The Princess and the Frog opens on Friday. Amazing.

THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME

Film: Disney goes dark. Afraid to break out of their formula, they squeezed Victor Hug’s novel uneasily into the formula. It was still a success, but less so than the previous few films.

Plot: Read The Hunchback of Notre Dame? It’s like that, but with less rape and murder.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Falls from very high. Not the Hunchback’s fault!

Nature of Songs: Dark. Heavily dramatic Broadway. Some are really, really dark. And one (the Gargoyle’s song) is painfully out of place with its comic relief.

My Favorite Moment: The ominous opening number. It promises something that the rest f the movie is unable to deliver. Bells over darkness. Very dramatic and dark. It rolls through a large amount of backstory quickly, in a riveting fashion. I especially love that shot where Clopin becomes the Archdeacon with a cut masked by a bolt of lightning. Intense.

Also awesome: “Hellfire.” Another dark musical sequence. The cut from the bells to the thurible. The figure dancing in the flames. The cloaked figures rising out of the floor. “She will be mine, or she will burn.”

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The gargoyles are too manic. But that moment when they are frozen in Frolo’s presence is powerful.

But the big winner is “Achilles, heal!”

Also, the ending. When it turns out Esmerelda’s not dead. The faux happy ending. And when Quasimodo puts Phebus’ and Esmerelda’s hands together – that’s a moment reminiscent of Gurgi at the end of The Black Cauldron.

Political Agenda: Even ugly people can be good. But for crying out loud, they don’t deserve to be in a relationship. Don’t lock your children in the attic! That’s mean!

Competition at the time: Beavis and Butt-Head Do America, Space Jam.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel. A SEQUEL!

Verdict: While this movie is considerably darker than anything Disney had done in a decade, considering the source material, it is not dark enough. How can they possibly adapt Victor Hugo’s novel into a cartoon for kids? They can’t. It IS dark for a kids movie, though. For instance, that creepy moment as Frollo sniffs Esmerelda’s hair. The Latin choir. A thrilling final battle. Gothic set pieces. It’s all slightly more bad ass than previous Disney movies.

They do a good job of making Quasimodo look both hideous and cute. And for once, the gargoyles actually talk to Quasimodo. The scene when Quasimodo and Frollo are running through the alphabet is a wonderful bit of dark humor. The movie doesn’t shy away from emotionally devastating scenes – like the moment when Quasimodo sees Esmerelda and Phoebus kiss.

On its own terms, The Hunchback of Notre Dame is an excellent movie. Visually, it’s stunning. It has real emotional heft and serious stakes. The action builds. The relationships are well formed. It really is a terrific bit of movie-making. It’s just so hard to separate it from its source material.

A note: Up to this point, there have been a lot of orphaned Disney heroes and heroines. Also a lot of single parents. But the fates of these missing parents ha not been addressed very much. Only in Cinderella so far. Here, we see Quasimodo’s mother get murdered. For many of the remaining Disney movies, the deaths of the parents are addressed head on.

HERCULES

Film: So all that realism that Disney had been striving for with its style for so long, someone sat back and said “Fuck it.” After the darkness of Hunchback, Disney swayed drastically in the other direction and made this out and out comedy.

Plot: Jesus escapes from the planet Krypton. He goes on a great journey becomes a movie star!

Nature of Villain’s Death: The Villain is immortal. And yet, he gets pulled into some drain of eternal circling death. Does that count as dead?

Nature of Songs: Gospel-inspired and exposition-heavy. The big Oscar song was an Oprah ballad about following your heart.

My Favorite Moment: James Woods. His voice work as the Villain Hades is excellent. Every scene with him is gold.

There’s one throw-away moment that typical of the humor in this thing. One of Hades’ henchmen tries to brush off the idea that Hercules is still alive. He offers up, “Remember a few years ago, when all the boys were named Jason. And all the girls were Brittany.”

Some sly adult humor. As Hercules and Meg end their date, Hercules remarks, “That play. That Oedipus thing. I thought I had problems.”

For some reason, I like the moment when the monster screams, “Zeus!” as it lumbers towards Olypmus.

And my most favorite moment in the movie . . . it’s tiny, but I love it. Hercules has no powers. He’s been beaten mercilessly. Danny Devito reminds him of his dreams. Hercules responds “Dreams are for rookies” as he glares at Meg with bruised eyes. That tiny moment is awesome and totally reminds me of a consuming resentment and cynicism all aimed at a single person who has betrayed you. To get a wee bit personal, I completely recognize a moment in my own life in that tiny moment.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Dany DeVito’s atonal song “One Last Hope”. Actually, everything with Danny Devito is rough.

Also, Meg’s retarded line near the end: “People always do crazy things . . when they’re in love.” Yuck! To quote a few Disney movies of the seventies, “sissy stuff.”

Political Agenda: This movie seems more apolitical than the others, but if it is about anything, it’s religion. Granted, there aren’t a lot of people who take Zeus and his gang seriously these days, but there are many who take the afterlife seriously.

So, taking for granted that Mount Olympus and Hades are stand-ins for Heaven and Hell, there are many ways to interpret the action of the movie. For myself, I find it significant that Hercules goes to hell and back and changes the rules. It’s all supposed to be set in stone. Things are a certain way. This is the way of the Gods. But Hercules won’t have it.

And THEN, he rejects Heaven for Earth. His Heavenly reward. Regardless of his initial motives, he ultimately does the right thing - not for a divine reward, but because he knows it’s the right thing to do.

Competition at the time: Anastasia, A Goofy Movie!

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A “midquel” series with a “miquel” movie. So a midquel to a midquel. Reading the wikipedia entry gave me a headache.

Verdict: The formula was in full effect. Every beat of this movie is overly familiar. Awkward kid goes on a journey and finds his place in the world. But this movie is so unabashedly a quest for glory and fame – I kind of like that. It doesn’t pretend to be about something wholesome and proper (like love – blech).

I like how the monsters are animated. The way they lumber and flail.

There is plenty here that reminds me of previous Disney movies. There are a lot of similarities to The Little Mermaid. Particularly in the two powerful forces using the child to fight for the fate of the planet. The three fates feel like anti-Sleeping Beauty fairies. And there is a literal Deus ex Machina in Hercules’ becoming immortal at the very last moment. Despite this, I like the ridiculously over-the-top final moments, as a constellation appears in the sky depicting Hercules.

But much is new and different. The tone is set when the sassy chorus cuts off Charlton Heston’s austere narration. Meg is a much darker, less pure, more complex female lead than we had before. “Thanks for everything Herc. It’s been a real slice.”

There are numerous plot holes. Why did none of the gods contact Hercules in all this time? And let him know what needed to be done? But to ask these questions is useless. The movie is about attitude. It is truly fun. It outdoes Aladdin in its anachronistic references. I think I like this movie. There aren’t any big moments that pull me in, but in the end, I still enjoyed myself. Disney began to grow bolder and more irreverent – despite clinging tightly to the story formula.

MULAN

Film: More of Disney’s politically correct formula movies. Arabs, Native Americans, now Asians. What’s next? Blacks?

Plot: Just One of the Guys redux.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Blown up by firecrackers. Deliberately!

Nature of Songs: Sparse, with a tinge of the orient. All of them reinforcing gender roles for both men and women.

My Favorite Moment: That shot of the Huns coming over the snow-covered mountain is incredible. I’m going with that scene.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Almost all the songs are cringe-worthy. So dogmatic in their commitment to women being women and men being men. I know that’s the point. After all, everyone is going to learn a little something, but still . . . jeesh.

I also really hate the “Your worst nightmare.” reference. Which is filtered somehow through Batman from Rambo. Odd.

I hate the moment at the end when a nation bows before Mulan as the music swells. But that pails next to the awful dance party at the end. Make it stop!

Political Agenda: It’s more up front and center than usual. To challenges women’s role in society. But in doing so, it becomes very pro-war. One man can make a difference between victory and defense. “Men will gladly go to war for you.” “Sign me up for the next war!”

War is a place to find glory. To become famous. And it’s all so sanitzed in this movie. When they come upon a destroyed village, there’s plenty of destroyed architecture, but there’s no dead bodies.

Competition at the time: Antz, A Bug’s Life.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel.

Verdict: Aside from glorifying war shamelessly, this movie is riddled with plot holes that bugged. Why give a fake name to the officer? Isn’t she there to take her father’s place? To bring glory to his name? What am I missing?

Thanks to all the extreme masculinization of everything, the cross-dressing pay off at the end (the inversion of the “Be a Man” theme) is kind of awesome. Even if it wasn’t really the best way to proceed.

But really, the biggest problem with the movie is the love story. It should be gayer.

TARZAN

Film: Disney continues their search for classic stories to rape.

Plot: There’s a nut in the woods. More nuts show up on a boat. There’s some sexual tension. Gorillas beat their chest. There are some family issues. People learn some values.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Falls through vines and hangs himself. The shot is awesome. The machete plunges into the ground. Lighting throws the shadow of his hanging corpse (off screen) on a tree. It’s very dramatic and awesome.

Nature of Songs: Phil Collins songs about hearts and love and family and crap. Lots of banging away at a xylophone. All played over montages. MONTAGE!

My Favorite Moment: Tarzan, dressed in a suite, exits the tree house – causing his gorilla mother to cry. That was kind of sad.

I also really like when Tarzan imitates the sound of a gun during fight at end. It disorienting. But clever.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Every time Phil Collins opens his mouth.

Political Agenda: Even those who are different are family. Blah blah blah.

Patriarchal values are challenged. But only slightly. It is Kerchak (the daddy gorilla) who learns the meaning of family. Apparently Tarzan was on top of this all along.

Competition at the time: The Iron Giant, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A series, a midquel movie for the series, and a sequel. And a Broadway play. They mined this one pretty dry.

Verdict: Mostly, it passable as entertainment, but never very engaging. The dramatic opening is completely undercut by a Phil Collins song. And the entire rest of the movie follows this pattern. When the apes first talk, it’s disconcerting. Especially since they had been grunting and making ape sounds previously.

Looking at Tarzan makes me feel fat. Body image issues.

In many ways, it is the opposite of The Jungle Book. Tarzan has a curiosity about man that the animals don’t foster, yet in the end, he still chooses to stay with the family that raised him. It is Jane and her father that give up civilization to be with him.

At one point, Jane’s father supposes that Tarzan is the missing link. Um, excuse me?

Things come together in the final act nicely, but the depiction of the gorillas is impossible to endure. Rosie O’Donnell’s aggressive voice work. Finding an uneasy middle ground between speaking perfect English and grunting. This movie felt like Disney was operating on automatic.

FANTASIA 2000

Film: According to Steve Martin, Walt Disney originally imagined Fantasia as an ever-evolving film. It would be constantly re-released with new parts inserted next to classic sequences. It only took sixty years, but they finally got around to fulfilling that dream – in a half-assed fashion.

Plot: Musicians play music. Shit happens.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A

Nature of Songs: Classical music, and some more modern classical music.

My Favorite Moment: The “Rhapsody in Blue” section. It’s got an engaging story and stylish animation. It’s all about strangers and loneliness in Manhattan.

Also the final segment is beautiful as well. The moment when the fire demon awakes is one of the best fusions of music and image in the movie.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The introductions between each segment. Steve Martin, Penn and Teller, Smokey Robinson, Bette Midler, James Earl Jones, and Angela Lansbury, who is the only one that doesn’t embarrass herself.

Political Agenda: The “Pomp and Circumstance” segment depicts the story of Noah’s Ark. Is this reaction to the “Rites of Spring” section of the first Fantasia? Rather than a story that would surely raise a few Christian eyebrows, Disney goes for a story of Christian mythology. The joke depicting dragons and unicorns and griffins laughing can be interpreted as either a nod to the absurdity of the story, or a reinforcement of the purpose of the story.

Competition at the time: Dinosaur.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: There have been no new Fantasia movies.

Verdict: The whole thing feels pretty slight – which is only emphasized by the short running length of the movie. The animation of “The Steadfast Soldier” is great – perhaps the most beautiful in a movie that looks great all the way through. Despite this, the movie lacks any heft. “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” is repeated in the spirit of the original plan for Fantasia. Instead it illustrates how weak the modern stuff is.

There is no thematic structure tying it together like with the first. Almost all the sequences in the original followed a similar pattern of chaos and order. All these segments are on an even keel. There’s little drama or emotion or action. It looks nice, but it is completely negligible.

DINOSAUR

Film: My intention was to watch all the hand drawn animated Disney movies before their newest came out. I had forgotten that this particular movie is actually CGIed. Computer generated dinosaurs against (supposedly) real backgrounds. Originally, the plan was that the dinosaurs would not have ridiculous cartoony voices. Somewhere along the way, that plan got scrapped.

Disclamer: I watched part of this with the sound effects-only track – essentially creating the no dialogue or score environment originally planned. Half way through I switched over to the full soundtrack cause I got tired of watching dinosaurs move their mouths and remain silent. It was weird.

Plot: There’s these dinosaurs. An asteroid hits the planet. Shit goes down, but the dinosaurs go on a long hike and everything is fine and life goes on and the dinosaurs live forever and ever and ever.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Falls off a cliff.

Nature of Songs: The third animated Disney feature to go sans a single song.

My Favorite Moment: The opening five minutes (which was used as an extended trailer) is pretty cool. But the coolest part is the destruction of the world by Meteor. Technically, it’s not the whole world, but it’s enough of the world to look really cool. A ball of fire spilling across the ocean – consuming an island in the middle of the night. Awesome.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: When the monkeys first begin to speak. Ew.

Political Agenda: First off, this movie is full of dinosaurs. These days, that’s practically a political agenda in itself. And then a meteor strikes the Earth. A meteor?! Dinosaurs? What is this, science class? But beyond that, this movie is SOCIALIST. Socialist, socialist, socialist.

As the herd (made up of various types of dinosaurs) makes it way to a promised land, there is a lot of debate about how to handle the slower and older dinosaurs. Aladar insists on helping them and allowing them to catch up. The lead dinosaurs balk at the idea of letting the weak set the pace. If a predator catches you, you’re on your own. It is a little funny to be subverting the “survival of the fittest” with dinosaurs. The leader takes the water from the “weak” that discovered it and found it. But Aladar, our hero, stands up for the old and weaker dinosaurs. Eventually, he suggests they stand together against a predator. Socialist indeed. As he challenges the predator, he literally starts out as one voice, and is soon joined by everyone. Dinosaurs, unite!

In the end, the dinosaurs find the promised land. There is marriage and babies. Life goes on and the dinosaurs never died out. WHAT?!

As with Tarzan, there seems to be a pro-adoption agenda.

Competition at the time: The Emperor’s New Groove.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They turned a pre-existing amusement park ride into a Dinosaur-themed amusement park ride.

Verdict: The backgrounds look realistic, but they don’t look believable. There’s a postcard quality to them. The movie does not look all that great nine years later. The CGI is obvious CGI. Watching this movie only reinforces how I felt going into this project: I like hand drawn traditional animation. While computer animation has continued to grow more and more impressive, there is something truly awe-inspiring about hand drawn cartoons.

THE EMPEROR’S NEW GROOVE

Film: Disney, clearly tired of their own formula, did something a little more original and made an out and out comedy about a jerk. Apparently, it originally was planned to be a very different story. A more dramatic take on The Prince and the Pauper. After a very troubled pre-production, the writers arrived at this story: a comic buddy picture.

Plot: Jerk emperor gets turned into Llama by Eartha Kitt. John Goodman babysits. Wacky chases ensue. Repeat.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Doomed to live life as a cat in the Junior Woodchucks.

Nature of Songs: Only one song that’s a riff on Tom Jones cheesiness.

My Favorite Moment: The top two gags: When Spade sees a fly (“Help me!”) get killed by a spider. “Okay. That was the freakiest thing I’ve ever seen.”

When Kitt threatens to raise her dress, Spade and Goodman rear back in horror. She reveals a dagger tied to her thigh and they breath a sigh of relief.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Goodman’s kids. They lose their teeth and have fun checking their height. Ugh. For a moment, there’s too much time spent with Goodman and his family, but it’s kind of saved when David Spade’s character freezes the action, circles himself on the screen and crosses out Goodman.

Political Agenda: The movie is against rich people being jerks. The emperor is rich. He’s inconsiderate. He wants to displace villagers for his fancy new mansion. But in the end, he learns that people are people, too.

Competition at the time: Chicken Run.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel and a series.

Verdict: This movie is similar to both Hercules and Aladdin in its irreverent attitude and light touch, but it goes that extra step further and ditches all pretense of telling a classic story. This movie feels entirely modern – even down to its slightly fractured timeline, cut away gags, and cynical approach.

Unlike any Disney film before, the main character is a huge jerk. He is not some sweet fish out of water waiting to find his place in the world. He has dominated his lace in the world – and the places of all those around him. He is mocking and cruel and hilarious. Even his redeems himself, it is on his own terms.

The action isn’t just manic for manic’s sake. It is clever and energetic and sly. It has the pacing of a Looney Tunes cartoon – slowing down just enough for some nicely played character moments. A definite success. By aiming lower, Disney hit it out of the park. I don’t think anybody went to see it in theaters though.

My Favorite Albums of the Decade

So these are the albums I bought over the last ten years and regularly came back to, pulled songs from for mixes, and enjoyed over and over. Having no discerning musical taste, there is no reason to pretend any of these albums are any good. But they're the ones I loved the most.

12 Crass Songs (Jeffrey Lewis)

American Idiot (Green Day)

American IV: The Man Comes Around (Johnny Cash)

Apologies to Queen Mary (Wolf Parade)

Big Senorita (Steve Tannen)

The Body, The Blood, The Machine (The Thermals)

Control (Pedro the Lion)

Home (Dixie Chicks)

Hot Fuss (The Killers)

I'm Wide Awake It's Morning Now (Bright Eyes)

It's the Ones Who've Cracked That the Light Shines Through (Jeffrey Lewis)

Kid A (Radiohead)

Kill the Moonlight (Spoon)

Lifted or the Story is in the Soil, Keep Your Ear to the Ground (Bright Eyes)

The Marshall Mathers LP (Eminem)

No Matter Where We Go (Latterman)

Picaresque (The Decemberists)

Pick a Bigger Weapon (The Coup)

Sam's Town (The Killers)

Scarecrow (Garth Brooks)

Shades of Gray (Jason White)

Songs from the Basement on the Hill (Elliot Smith)

Stubbs the Zombie (Soundtrack)

Swing When You're Winning (Robbie Williams)

This Side (Nickel Creek)

Tonight's Top Story (Jason White)

Van Lear Rose (Loretta Lynn)

Warning (Green Day)

Year of the Crow (State Radio)

THE DISNEY RENAISSANCE - Disney Viewing Part Four or something.

Before I get started, I would just like to bitch about the edits Disney makes in their DVDs. Here are a few:

Bambi: Originally, an animal disappears. Now, there's a cut where that happens.

The Little Mermaid: Originally, the Priest had knees that looked like a boner. Gone! Also, shirts change colors. Now they stay the same color.

Aladdin: They took out the infamously ambiguous lines “Just – take off your clothes.”

And then there's the diabolical insertion of musical numbers in more recent films. Why mess with history, Disney? Wear your mistakes proudly. Stop changing history!

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Film: The first fairy tale Disney had tackled in some time. It became a huge hit and, along with Who Framed Roger Rabbit the year before, revitalized Disney animation for a decade.

Plot: Headstrong chick sits around longing. She happens on some magic in a Faust-like deal. Awkward courting/stalking ensues. More magic / drugging. A fight for the fate of the Earth. The End.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Stabbed through the breast with a broken mast – driven by the handsome prince as he rescues the girl.

Nature of Songs: This is where Disney established the rules that would govern their animated musicals for the next ten years. The character’s longing song. The danceable status quo song. The villain song. And each song is a reaction to another song. They were written by Howard Ashman and Alan Menkin (who previously wrote Little Shop of Horrors). Fun. Character-centered. The songs even make room for some social commentary. Over the next seven years, Alan Menkin would win eight Academy Awards for his work in Disney animated movies.

My Favorite Moment: Sunset on the third day. The sun slips behind the horizon – denying Ariel her kiss, She reels back in pain and slumps to the floor – slipping through Eric’s arms. Then, in a bit of creepy camera work, the tracking shot of Ursula crawling towards the camera. A nice bit of pseudo-horror in those moments.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Buddy Hackett’s schtick in which he clumsily misnames various human tools. In general, I’m not crazy about the overly-excited exuberant voice-over work.

Also, the animals to the rescue thing makes an unwelcome return.

Political Agenda: A girl obsessed with a different culture. Back to rich people. The rebellious daughter of the rich, conservative father bucking the system. Her entire arc reminds me of George C. Scott’s speech in The Hospital – railing against the desires and curiosity of youth. Only this movie is in favor of such things. With one big exception. Ariel doesn’t fall for some Bohemian nobody. Despite longing for a man, Ariel is pro-active. It is a quest for independence. Tellingly, she goes to another woman to help her on her journey. That being said, the movie is over-the-top in how it equates a wedding and marriage with happiness.

Al$o part of the happy ending: money. Also Ursula notes when Ariel falls for a human, “Not just any human. A prince!” How fortuitous considering that she herself is a princess. More of the idle rich sitting around waiting for love to fill the void in their lives. For the record, I would love to spend the evening playing with my dog on a green overlooking the shore. Sound rough, Prince Eric.

Lastly, there seems to be a beef against contracts here.

Competition at the time: Akira, Kiki’s Delivery Service.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel. A prequel-series. A prequel. A Broadway stage show. A spin-off series of shorts.

Verdict: Well, we’re back to chick flicks after decades away. Only this time, there’s a lot more drama. It’s hard not to admire the workman-like approach to the story. In fact, I can’t help but do just that. Leaps ahead in storytelling. A careful attention to character. Motives buried in the past. The script smartly employs a ticking clock for the audience (“Before the sun sets on the third day.” ) to rack up tension. The first act is dedicated to setting up relationships and longings that will pay off in the third act, which itself is a cleverly potted, and surpisingly complex climax. The ending is too pat and happy, but there are going to be very very few Disney movies you can’t say that about.

There’s an exciting chase near the beginning. Even the title sequence is kind of awesome. The score The way the fish kicks as it swims. The style of the animation is freer. Characters flail with less inhibition than before. Of course, this is due in part to much of the movie taking place under water. The villain is legitimately creepy with her psychic eels. And they address the love-at-first-sight syndrome head-on. “It’ll just – Bam! – hit me. Like lightning.”

I like that it’s on the side of the kids – but doesn’t shy away from showing that there are possible consequences to actions – like turning the entire ocean over to a megalomaniac. All in all, a huge success on all levels despite a dubious agenda.

Let’s take this moment to address the single parent syndrome. I think it’s simply a strategy to be as economical as possible regarding characters. Two parents would involve two characters with a similar, if not the same, point of view. Regardless, Disney would deal almost exclusively with single-parent heroes from here on out.

DUCKTALES: TREASURE OF THE LOST LAMP

This movie was the beginning of a direction for Disney. They employed an overseas studio to make “movie toons”. They had initially planned for many cheaply animated movies to come out of this studio. While it did not work out as they planned (this movie was a bomb), Disney has repeatedly used cheaper animation to make sequels and spin-offs to pre-existing canon movies. I will be forgoing all of those for the rest of this trip.

In regard to this movie in particular, a lot of it was recycled as plot elements for Aladdin two years later. When I originally saw Aladdin, there was quite a bit of déjà vu – thenks to this movie. Having just now rewatched a chunk of this movie on youtube, I think I kind of like this movie better.

THE RESCUERS DOWN UNDER

Film: Disney’s first sequel to one of their own movies. Disney would never spend this much effort on such an outing again.

On the other hand, this was the first Disney movie to use CAPS, which is a digital ink and paint system. And it looks fantastic.

Plot: Like the first Rescuers film, this movie is a one long rescue. A series of narrow escapes. A little boy is kidnapped. Rodents trek across gorgeously animated landscapes to find him.

Nature of Villain’s Death: He falls into a river full of crocodiles. To be more accurate, he is gently shoved into a river full of crocodiles, and eventually goes over the falls.

Nature of Songs: Only the second Disney animated film to go sans a single song.

My Favorite Moment: I like how the net surrounds the eagle and ties itself off. How the momentum is depicted. It’s just a single shot, but I like how gravity is depicted in this generation of Disney films.

In general, the entire movie looks beautiful.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Most of anything with John Candy. His characters is too much of a knock-off of previous characters.

The egg vaudeville act goes on for too long.

One of the most jarring moments is when the first animal talks to the little boy. You’re not expecting it, and it isn’t particularly awe-inspiring when it happens. Just jarring.

Political Agenda: Animal rights! Of course poaching is already illegal. In regards to the ending, it’s telling that the last few moments are dedicated to the young boy’s reunion with the eagle – and not his own mother.

Competition at the time: Jetsons: The Movie.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They have ignored it and locked it away.

Verdict: I can’t emphasize enough how incredible this movie looks. Racking focus. Speeding through the field. Blurry snow seen falling outside the window. A background slowly goes out of focus as action in the foreground changes planes. Although overhead shots of the city look like a video game graphic. All in all, who cares about the plot when a movie looks this good.

Still, I love little touches like how the kid sleeps under a pile of clothes. And I like how Bianca’s and Bernard’s relationship is portrayed. There’s never any real danger that jack will steal her away. It’s an adult relationship and the audience is let in on a joke that mocks a stupid convention of creating a love triangle where there isn’t one. Sparse plotting. A good pace. I even like how the movie portrays Frank, a mentally off lizard. I’m surprised at how much I like this movie. It’s inoffensiveness has won me over.

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

Film: Disney learned a lot from the success of The Little Mermaid, and with this movie, they began returning to the well over and over until it was dry. As of this moment, Beauty and the Beast is the only animated film to ever receive an Oscar nomination for Best Picture.

Plot: Book smart, but not street smart, chick wanders into forest to save father from abusive rich asshole. She becomes his love slave. Creepy rich guy spies on the girl with fancy surveillance equipment. Eventually, as women are apt to do, she falls in love with her abusive boy friend. He decides not to bite her and instead, sparkles in the sunlight.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Loses his balance and falls.

Nature of Songs: Very Broadway-like. Character-based. Plus the love theme. More from Ashman and Menkin, who seriously know what they’re doing.

My Favorite Moment: There are a few. The inspired opening scene with the stained glass windows. A beautiful bit of exposition that works so much better than the usual opening book.

During “The Mob Song”, there’s a moment as Belle is locked in the cellar. Chip glances around and sees Belle’s father’s wood-chopping invention. The camera rushes up to the axe as thunder rolls and lightning catches the blade. It’s very cool. I get a little chill from it.

Also, during the climactic fight, as Gaston finds the Beast. The Beast has given up. He’s letting Gaston beat the shit out of him. Beast hears Belle’s voice. Sees her. The camera stays with Gaston’s club as he brings it down on the Beast – only to be met with the Beast’s hand – stopping the club. Suddenly willing to fight for himself again.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The rushed introduction of Belle’s father, his success with his invention, and his taking off to the fair. He’s about to give up on his invention, but with one half-assed pep talk, it’s working! Good grief.

And then the ending. “Are they going to live happily ever after, Mother?” Bah! We get it. We don’t need the passive aggressive commentary from you, Chip!

Political Agenda: There is a slight feminist slant. But it’s clearly only there to give the female lead a little character. Like Ariel in The Little Mermaid, Belle is “head strong”, meaning she talks back a lot. So far, few of the characters in Disney movies have much depth. This particular strategy to creating characters is transparent instantly. Only she likes to read. DEPTH, see?! Despite this, she’s really superficial. She only likes the prince once he’s pretty. That seems important to her.

According to this movie, the only way to win a girl is to be polite and dress well and shit like that. Fuck that noise.

And then the movie decidedly takes the controversial stance against mob mentality. In particular, mob mentality against someone who’s different. Very brave.

Competition at the time: An American Tail: Fievel Goes West.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Two sequels – including a Christmas movie. The commercial for which I had to sit through on the DVD. The commercial hailed it as a classic, which apparently applies to cash-ins that exploit the holiday season. A Broadway stage production. A live-action children’s series.

Verdict: There’s a lot to admire about this movie. Also a lot to hate. This sounds weird, but I don’t like much of the blocking early on. It’s not particularly inspired. Overly Broadway-like in some sections. And too rushed. The entire movie is in too big of a hurry. Opposite of The Little Mermaid in that the beginning is rushed while the ending is more deliberately paced. It’s well done and respectable, but not too ground-breaking.

There are a lot of continuity errors. People appear and vanish. Seasons change over the course of an evening. I know they’re mostly intentional, but they’re weird.

Stray Observation: The scene when Gaston buys off the asylum director is a direct homage to the scene when the director of Pleasure Island pays off Honest John in Pinocchio.

ALADDIN

Film: Disney was on a role. This movie out-grossed their previous success with Beauty and the Beast. Disney mined 1001 Nights for a few recognizable icons and went to fucking town.

Plot: A young “punk” falls for a spoiled rich brat, but gets arrested. Falls in with a homeless guy. Finds God. Gets rich. Beats the shit out of an old men. Wins the girl.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The villain does not die. He lives to fight again.

Nature of Songs: More Ashman and Menken, but with a splash of Tim Rice.

My Favorite Moment: “Prince Ali” Not much different from the other musical numbers, but there’s a slight bit of irony to the song.

I like the Sultan’s reaction to Jafar’s trying to hypnotize him, “But you’re so old.” I also like how the Sultan begins to bow before Jafar before Jasmine stops him. It’s a periphery gag, which is what makes it awesome.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The whole movie made me cringe. When Aladdin asks “all this for a loaf of bread?”, that’s a moment that emblematic of the kind of problem the whole movie has. Talking to himself to give exposition to the audience. The movie simply doesn’t trust the audience to keep up – despite being a very straightforward plot.

That part when Aladdin and Jasmine say “trapped” at the same time is too contrived to stomach.

Gilbert Gottfried’s somewhat dated response “Excellent judge . . . NOT!”

Jafar’s pun-tastic display of magic near the end.

Seriously, Robin Williams’ schtick is the best thing about this movie. That speaks volumes.

Political Agenda: “You’ve heard of the Golden Rule, haven’t you? Whoever has the gold, makes the rules.” While the movie takes stabs at the class struggle, in the end, it totally re-enforces the idea that being rich (and powerful!) is the same as being happy. No mention anywhere of responsibility. His dream is to be rich and have no more problems. That’s pretty much exactly what happens. And yet, it glamorizes being poor. Aladdin, the street urchent, is a “diamond in the rough.”

Chicks have to get married. “I want to make sure you’re taken care of.” This is never questioned in the movie. Even Jasmine bemoans about WHEN she gets married. Not IF.

Competition at the time: Ferngully: The Last Rainforest.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Two sequels and a series. Plus some video games and shit.

Verdict: Like Beauty and the Beast, this movie is too rushed. Characters are always busy. They can’t relax. The voiceover is equally too busy. Particularly the voice of Aladdin who tries to make it natural, but instead makes it awkward. Scott Weinger’s voice work is too desperate to please.

More love at first sight. Bleh.

And then there’s the plethora of questions about the logic of the plot. Why exactly was Aladdin the only one worthy of entering the Cave of Wonders? What’s so damn special about him? Why would Aladdin be fooled by a “prisoner” who is apparently free to come and go as he pleases? Jafar comes up with a plan to marry Jasmine and suddenly a law exists allowing him to do just that? How does Jasmine not recognize Aladdin just because he’s changed clothes? Aladdin’s reasoning for not wishing the Genie free doesn’t make any sense. Why keep the Genie around for one last wish. How does that solve any of his problems? Another Deus ex Machina. The Sultan changes the law that started all this in the first place.

The computer generated chase scene has not aged well.

Ultimately, the legacy of the movie lies in the casting of Robin Williams, who introduces a manic post-modern self[awareness that would inspire Shrek, which would in turn inspire an entire decade of cartoons.

It’s a groaner through and through.

THE LION KING

Film: Disney’s biggest success in the field of traditionally animated movies. The Highest grossing. One of the most well-received. Huge.

Plot: Seen Hamlet? But with less rape and death.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Cannibalized by hyenas.

Nature of Songs: Sure to dominate the lite rock / adult contemporary charts! Elton John hokum. All about emotional uplift and shit. The only tolerable song is “I Just Can’t Wait to be King”.

My Favorite Moment: The death of Mufasa. That scene is astounf=ding and emotionally devastating. Particularly Jeremy Irons effeminate performance. (“I shall practice my curtsy.”) The over-the-top score. The visuals. The pounding of the stampede. And the stillness afterwards. Simba, crawling up to his father’s dead body and wrapping himself in his arms. And ending with the deliciously sparse, “Kill him.” Perfectly executed.

Also, the call-out to Reversal of Fortune is awesomely suggestive.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The hyenas. Timon and Pumba. More manic comedy relief.

The slow mo during the climactic fight. Is there any need for that? It’s ridiculous on so many levels.

Political Agenda: It’s not an abject celebration of patriarchal values, although it definitely holds a reverence for such things. Despite a healthy depiction of a father/son dynamic, there is a sly swipe at all things unmanly. The effeminate weak villain. And the might makes right that dominates the ending. All this culminates in a message that leadership is a birthright - evoking the powers of the Heavens. Ending droughts and opening the skies.

The lion/hyena collaboration goes poorly. Is this movie pro-segregation?

No casualties in the battle at the end. Only the bad guys suffer casualties – suggesting a pro-war solution to problems.

Competition at the time: DragonBall Z, The Nightmare Before Christmas.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel, a midquel, a stageplay, and a spin-off series.

Verdict: Wow. Look at the animation. It looks fantastic – much like The Rescuers Down Under. The pacing is perfect. The drama is handled well. Some of the characters are too thin, and the songs are terrible. There’s a self-awareness beginning to creep in here. It began with Aladdin, then scaled back to a more manageable level with The Lion King. Case in point, the swipe at “It’s a Small World”. There’s a lot of off beat humor “They call me Mr. Pig!”

A well-done movie. I’m surprised at how much I admire it all these years later.

POCAHONTAS

Film: Disney was becoming more and more politically correct with their movies. And by this point, everyone knew it. The first Disney animated movie to be based on real events (despite bearing no resemblance to real events).

Plot: Brits trek to a new world where a fashion model resides. They lust after the women and natural resources, but their hippie tendencies win out and everyone agrees to be boringly polite to each other. Just like it really happened.

Nature of Villain’s Death: None. He gets reprimanded.

Nature of Songs: A faux Indian / hippy nature thing. Vs. songs about capitalism. Not obvious at all. The opening of “Around the River Bend” is so awkward and rushed, I can’t believe no one felt the need to rewrite that or re-record it. As histrionic as “Colors of the Wind” is, I kind of like it. At least, it’s not a fucking love theme.

My Favorite Moment: The quick shot of the rat sneaking onto the ship as Ratclliffe climbs aboard is kind of obvious, but funny.

I love that shot taken from Age of Innocence during the “Mine, Mine, Mine” song.

The scene when Thomas bloodlessly kills Kokoum is nicely dramatic – particularly the build-up as characters on both sides of the divide catch Pocahontas macking with John Smith.

The ending is so over-the-top, it’s hard not to find it absurd. But, I like it regardless. Pocahontas chasing the ship. The wind blowing across the water and filling the sails. Building score. Ridiculous. Yet, awesome. Plus, it’s so distinct from all the other Disney endings. The only ending even close to being similar is The Fox and the Hound.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: There’s so much. The Chief’s singing voice. When Pocahontas magically learns to speak English (“You don’t understand a word I’m saying, do you?”). How a declaration of love stops genocide! Yes, that’s how it went down.

Political Agenda: In Disney’s desperate attempt to be politically correct, it is only natural that they would offend someone. Still, they hit on a number of issues. Up front, there’s an alignment with Native Americans and their struggle. There’s a message of environment over profit. And an adamant anti-war message. But it all has enough of an anti-British slant to make Mel Gibson happy.

Competition at the time: Toy Story.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel and a video game.

Verdict: I love Native American stuff. But even for me, this is hard to take. It handles its mystical elements so clumsily. There’s communing with nature and then there’s batshit nuttiness. The blending of subtlety and histrionics does not mix. And I can’t say I’m a fan of the easy listening track over the credits, which has become a staple of animated Disney films since Beauty and the Beast.

A note: This DVD inserted “If I Never Knew You” with no warning. I had managed to avoid all newly inserted footage in the other movies, but this one showed up with no option to watch the original. WTF, Disney?

Some People Might Call Me a “Scrooge” or a “Grinch”

But I think it’s more accurate to say I’m Number Six. And Christmas is the Village.

The above is a commercial that was playing in movie theaters last Christmas season. It’s a joint advertisement between Coca Cola and WalMart. In it, actor John Magaro strolls through an extraordinarily crowded Christmas party – handing out cokes, bumping hands and grinning madly at everyone in attendance as he sings off his connection to each guest he passes. He seems extremely popular. All his friends and family are there, and they’re all thrilled to see him. Everyone is chatting and having fun – despite the fact that there seems to be no alcohol present. Only coke. From a WalMart bag.

If I threw a party, a few things would be different. For one, hardly anyone would show up. Secondly, I would never invite members of my family to a party. The point of a party is to have fun. Not to be on your best behavior. There would be alcohol. People would probably not break out into song. Lastly, I doubt I would be wearing my sweaters indoors – with a room that’s wall-to-wall people. I sweat just looking at it. Too hot.

This is just one image we are regularly exposed to every Christmas. Family, gifts, fist bumps, products. Bright blinking fucking lights. Fake snowmen. Nativity scenes. Fairy tales about virgin births and fat men who crawl into your house while you sleep. Sappy, bell-heavy lite Christian jazz is pumped into every establishment you enter. Every now and then someone will admit that they don’t like how commercialized Christmas is, but what the hell does that mean? Do they not like the saturation of Christian music and imagery? Do they not like the lights and presents and cards? That’s all part of the commercialization. Let’s not fool ourselves. So what is it people like about Christmas exactly?

Let me tell you about my Christmas. Every year, I spend the weekend before Christmas at a family dinner. Presents are given. My mom gives me a bunch of stuff I don’t need. I try to come up with something my parents would like, but I fail miserably every year. On Christmas Eve, I spend the night going to the movies (if I’m lucky enough to avoid another family gathering). Or I stay home and watch some anti-Christmas comfort food on TV. On Christmas morning, I go over to my folks’ house. They give me a gift I’m much more interested in. Maybe we go to another relative’s house and have country ham and biscuits. Then I go to the movies by myself for the rest of the day.

I love having the day off (although this year I would have the day off anyway). I even like getting lost in how days seem to have no meaning over the holidays. They blend together, blur, disappear. But that month leading up to it . . . ugh.

I maintain that Christmas is becoming more and more of a weapon. I hate the ongoing attitude that if you’re not into the spirit of Christmas (whatever that may be), then you’re a Scrooge or a Grinch. But I can’t take how passive aggressive the holiday seems to have become. Despite rampant propaganda to the contrary, Christmas is not hugs and miracles for everyone. For many, it’s an exacerbated ostracization. I appreciate anything that acknowledges an alternative Christmas experience. One that perhaps means disappointment or tragedy or loneliness or even bitterness in the face of relentless sentimentality.

I am particularly frustrated with Christmas movies and stories. I would imagine that if the Christmas elements of It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol were removed, I would actually like them. After all, they’re both rather dark stories about regret and becoming a better person. They’re also surprisingly socialist in their politics. But, of course, neither would exist if it weren’t for Christmas. They are steeped in the Happy Supernatural. They are really more about believing in supernatural forces than being a better person just because you should. It takes angels and overly helpful spirits to reveal this to the protagonists. And when Scrooge does come around to being humanistic, it’s thanks to “the Christmas Spirit”. Can’t a man rage against something that unrelentingly demands conformity and complacence and divine acquiescence, and still be a good person?! I would love to see some version of a Christmas Carol in which Scrooge rejects the message of the spirits, and decides to be a good person on his own terms!

I have a theory about Santa Claus being the training wheels version of Christianity. You spend your early years learning that if you're good and do what you're told, you receive a big magical reward at the end of the year. This system of reward and punishment is tied closely with a magical being who somehow sees all and knows if you're following the rules or not. 
With Christianity (and most religions), since your reward comes after death, and since no one ever comes back to confirm how true it is, there's a lot of room for doubt as to whether this reward exists at all. Santa Claus, and the entire adult conspiracy to fool young kids about his existence, is practically a necessity just to get people into that mindframe. You're always under the watchful eye of something that judges you. And when you're young, you receive tangible dividends for being good. I think that very much carries into most people's adult lives.
 Of course, Santa Claus doesn't have a terrifying punishment to discourage bad behavior. That's for the Advanced Behavior-Controlling Mythology.

Halloween is my speed. It’s a holiday that just isn’t for everyone. While we spend that holiday making light of supernatural whatnot, we spend Christmas celebrating and praising many of those same forces. On Halloween, adults are expected to assure kids that there are no monsters or ghosts or witches. On Christmas, we’re expected to take part in this vast conspiracy to fool kids into thinking supernatural shit actually does exist! But there’s less retribution if you decide not to participate in Halloween. If Halloween falls on a Sunday (as it will next year), Christian groups regularly get together to ban it.

Case in point, here’s a Christmas commercial I like. Naturally, it has offended Christian groups who have called for a boycott of Gap. Why? Because the commercial dares to mention other winter celebrations like Hanukkah or Kwanza or (gasp) Solstice. That is one reason I like this commercial. It’s inclusive. Also, I think the dancing is awesome.

I will continue to grumble and suffer through the Christmas season. The decorations that evoke snow, miracles, and magic - despite the fact that none of that happens where I am. The sappy music that praises a magic baby and supernatural serial intruder. I will enjoy myself as I mock Christmas values and criticize excessive decorations. And subject those I can to anti-Christmas movies and music. But the holidays are not something I enjoy. Halloween decorations come down only a few days after the holiday. People are comfortable leaving their Christmas shit up for weeks afterwards. I don’t like being told how to feel. So I don’t like Christmas. But if anyone wants to give me a present, that’s totally cool.

My Favorite Movies of the Decade

All this top films of the decade list-making has forced me to make my own list.

Some notes: These are clearly not the best movies of the past decade. These are 100 of my favorites as of this moment right now as I am making this list. There are clear trends. I like horror movies and genre movies. There is a lack of foreign movies and documentaries here. I prefer playful fantasy movie franchises over austere fantasy movie franchises. I like violence (in movies). I like melancholy. I often see satire where others don't (including the filmmakers responsible). I gravitate toward movies about young people rather than old people. A lot of these movies strike me as kinda slick. Etc.

Yes, I cheated a lot - lumping movies together. My list, my rules.

There are still a lot of movies from 2009 that I have not yet seen. Also, my choices are very typical of the young straight white American male - so I feel like something of a cliche. Not very many surprises or unseen gems. I refuse to assign rank or hierarchy. Hence, these are listed alphabetically.

Also, it turns out this project was a terrible, terrible idea. Even worse than the Disney viewing project, and I don't plan to make another list ever again for at least a week. I would normally dump a load of ephemera about each movie, but I'm not that crazy.

This is not technically the last year of the decade, but monkey see, monkey do.

12 and Holding

28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later

A.I Artificial Intelligence

About Schmidt

Adaptation.

Afterschool

Almost Famous (Untitled)

The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford

Bad Santa

Billy Elliot

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

Brick

Brokeback Mountain

Buffalo Soldiers

Capturing the Friedmans

Chicken Run
Children of Men

City of God
Cloverfield

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

The Constant Gardener

Coraline

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon

The Dark Knight

The Departed

The Descent

Dogville

Donnie Darko

Elephant

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

The Fall

Gangs of New York

Gomorrah

Gone Baby Gone

The Good Girl

Gosford Park

Grindhouse

Half Nelson

The Harry Potter Movies EXCLUDING the first two.

The short films of Don Hertzfeldt (Rejected, The Meaning of Life, everything will be ok, i am so proud of you).

A History of Violence

Hot Fuzz

The Hurt Locker

Igby Goes Down
In Bruges

In the Bedroom

In the Loop

In the Valley of Elah

The Incredibles

Inglourious Basterds

Kill Bill (Vol. One)

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Let the Right One In

The Lookout

The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Lord of War

Lost in Translation

Memento

Minority Report

The Mist

Moulin Rouge!

Munich

No Country for Old Men

Oldboy

The Others

Panic Room

Pan’s Labyrinth

Paranoid Park

The Piano Teacher

The Pirates of the Caribbean Trilogy

The Prestige

Primer

[Rec]

Reprise

Requiem for a Dream

The Royal Tenenbaums

The Rules of Attraction

Save the Green Planet

A Serious Man

Shaun of the Dead

Sin City

Six Shooter

Slumdog Millionaire

Spider-Man 2

Spirited Away

Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street

Synecdoche, NY

There Will Be Blood

Thirst

Treasure Planet

Two Lovers

WALL-E

Wanted

Watchmen

The Weather Man

Where the Wild Things Are

Wonder Boys

The Wrestler

Y Tu Mamá También

You Can Count on Me

Zodiac

Filmmakers and actors I came to like this decade (I apologize for the lack of women in my list):

Darren Aronofsky

Christian Bale

Kristen Bell

Brad Bird

Alfonso Cuaron

Leonardo DiCaprio

Robert Downey, Jr.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt

Ryan Gosling

Michael Haneke

Don Hertzfeldt

Spike Jonze

Charlie Kaufman

Martin McDonagh

Takashi Miike

Hayao Miyazaki

Christopher Nolan

Isabella Rossellini

Gore Verbinski

Lars Von Trier

Some I came to like all over again:

David Cronenberg

Martin Scorsese

Steven Spielberg

Trends I Liked:

A closer attention to continuity in both franchise movies and serialized television.

Netflix.

Pretty yet bleak cinematography.

Puzzle movies and playing with chronology.

Repertory and Midnight Movies at the Belcourt

Screenwriters being directors (Charlie Kaufman, Scott Frank, Shane Black, Andrew Niccol, etc.)

Smaller independent movies coming to Nashville more often.