War of the Worlds

War of the Worlds

A sci-fi series that aired in syndication in 1988 and 1989.

The Set-Up: A group of terrorists unwittingly unleash hibernating aliens from an army compound. The aliens take over human bodies and run them ragged while causing destruction. After one unfortunate run in with the military, a super cool research scientist named Blackwood (“If I don’t sleep one hour out of every five, I’m useless.”) and his cracked out team of scientists are given the go ahead by the military to stop these aliens. His team includes an uptight, but hot microbiologist (McCullough), a “wise-cracking” sometimes Jamaican wheelchair-bound computer expert (Drake), and a doubting, crusty-but-benign, Native American Lieutenant Colonel (Ironhorse).

Why was it canceled? Well . . . it wasn’t. It was renewed for a second season.

How Does That Qualify as a One Season Wonder, Douche Bag? Because it’s a one season wonder in spirit. Here’s the deal, after the first season, Paramount decided to hand the show over to a new team of writers, despite the fact that War of the Worlds was their highest rated syndicated program at the time. The writers for Friday the 13th: The Series took over. Apparently, these writers had never seen an episode of War of the Worlds because there were massive changes made in the second season.

The setting was shifted from present day to a mid-apocalyptic world. Half the cast was killed off in the first episode. And a new race of aliens was brought in. They killed off the old race and became the new bad guys. And the title was changed to War of the Worlds: The Second Invasion.

If you are ever able to find a fan of War of the Worlds, they will inevitably tell you that the first season is the only true season and that the second season sucks. I can’t speak for the second season – it’s not available on DVD. But I do own the first season, and so, in the spirit of a one season wonder, I am going to count it.

Typical episode: Over-ripe, dramatic dialogue plays over a black screen. The Alien Advocacy discusses what has been going on and what now needs to be done. (“We need more brains! Living brains!”) Some aliens take over some bodies. They skulk around killing people and being insidious. The cracked out team is called in. They stand around a computer arguing data. The Advocacy stands around in their cave hideaway and continues to discuss the various obstacles facing them. Somebody melts. Gross. There is some playful banter. Blackwood does something new age-y. Ironhorse says something conservative. There are some questionable computer graphics. The dialogue from the beginning is spoken. Blackwood defeats the aliens by electrocuting them or blowing them up. Or the aliens escape. Any evidence left behind self-destructs. Little progress is made by either side. Freeze frame.

The style: Grade Z, self-conscious, pulpy X-Files-lite.

Typical Dialogue: “I want to know what happened in there and I want to know yesterday! Lieutenant! A US army installation has been compromised. Our superiors expect credible explanations, not excuses! I want whys and wherefores by 1800 hours, Mister!”

More Dialogue: “It means more than beans and queens.”

Typical Newscast: “One prisoner, and I quote, exploded during practice.”

Typical Exchange: “Thank goodness it’s over.”
“Is it? [Pause] Is it really?”

Typical Joke: “Can you enhance this digitally?”
“Does a computer download in the woods?”

It Doesn’t End: “Can someone please call me an ambulance!”
“You’re an ambulance.”

Listen to this Shit: “I’d like to disarm the bomb.”
“And I’d like to be President of the United States. Forget it!”

Typical Alien Propaganda: “To life immortal.”

My Favorite Evil Alien Dialogue: “Watching TV has paid off again.”
“But it takes its toll. Softens the brain.”

Best Dismemberment: An alien hybrid rips a nurse’s leg off – mid-shin. It is awesome. And bloody. Ew.

Best Dismemberment Runner Up: A death ray burns a beam through some dude’s head. What’s impressive is the shot of the evil aliens through the hole in the back of the guy’s head. Not technically a dismemberment, but awesome nonetheless.

Best Dismemberment Honorable Mention: A group of drugged humans turn on their alien captors, rip them apart and eat them. Mmmmmmm. Creamy alien guts.

My favorite episodes:
First, a quandary: If something is intended to be enjoyed ironically, is it still ironic?

1.3 “Thy Kingdom Come” Ann Robinson reprises her role from the original 1953 movie. Only now her character is crazy. In order to express craziness, the writers decided she should talk almost exclusively in rhymes. “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plains. But this isn’t Spain . . . “ The scene where the aliens take over the family in the station wagon: fucking hilarious. “Where’s Grandma?” “I’m here. To life immortal!” And then nuns! Useless nuns! *
1.6 “The Second Seal” Blackwood, clumsily described as a vegetarian and pacifist, touches some cube and suddenly he is pushing around women and ordering pepperoni pizza! You see, this cube is like a drug. It’s fun to touch it, but it makes you act different. “I think it’s boring with a capital “B” that you have to be such a grind!” Don’t do drugs kids! At this point, the goofy z-movie style has grown on me.
1.15 “He Feedeth Among the Lilies” Finally, alien probes. The one-off romance is so goofy, it’s palatable. And the most abrupt ending ever. Seriously. What a bizarre way to end an episode. It certainly is hard to forget. Thumbs up for juggling so many jarring tones so clumsily. Why the fuck not?
1.17 “Unto Us a Child is Born” This episode typifies what frustrates me about this show. I was loving it for a while. This episode is perhaps the most gruesome. An alien takes over a pregnant woman’s body. She gives birth to an alien hybrid. The hybrid is totally gross and absurd and fun and looks like the baby from Dead Alive. But when the hybrid is killed, the original baby crawls out of the mess left behind. I said to myself, I bet there’s not a trace of alien left. Cut to the hot microbiologist actually saying, “Not a trace if alien tissue.” The show becomes incredibly predictable. There’s one more twist that I totally saw coming. The show never really surprises me, but it can be fun.

*According to Wikipedia, Little Bobby and his alien family were originally going to be a running gag, complete with an advertising campaign called Save Bobby. Sadly, Paramount nixed this idea. Too bad. This was the most awesome moment in the whole series.

My Least favorite:

1.1 “The Resurrection” It took me three tries before I finally got through this episode. Ugh. It is awful, awful, awful. I believe the writers realized how goofy and lame the show was and completely embraced it for all the episodes that follow. I have this same theory for the Evil Dead movies.
1.10 “Epiphany” This episode has a random romance-of-the-week vibe. And is anyone really in suspense as they’re disarming the bomb? The cold war paranoia is too on the nose. This episode is just dull and obvious.

How many episodes were produced? 23.

Was there much continuity? Almost none. No progress made by either side is ever carried into following episodes.

Blackwood is depicted as calm and cool and relaxed in the first episode, but he’s a bit of an uptight professional after that – even if he does do weird new age crap to track aliens. Drake’s cringe-inducing Jamaican accent disappears just two or three episodes in.

The time frame is inconsistent. In one episode, Blackwood says the aliens were released fourteen months ago. A few episodes later, he claims it has been almost a year.

Was there closure? I did not see the second season, but apparently almost nothing carried over.

Any unattended issues: The final moments of the first season make for a great dark joke. One of the best moments on the show. It suggests some tricky plotting was to come. Of course, this was never brought up again after someone else took over the show.

And then there’s this strange discrepancy regarding the original 1953 movie. While that film is used as the basis for the series, almost no one remembers the invasion. Apparently there was a reconnaissance mission in 1938, but the government capably covered that up by hiring Orson Welles to do his War of the Worlds radio broadcast. (Yes, this is actually explained in the series). But what about the 1953 movie? It’s especially weird since one character is taken directly from that movie.

The verdict:
When I was ten or so, I would hold vast wars with all my action figures. These wars would spread across the house and take weeks to play out. They were usually ended by my mom’s cleaning the house and putting all the action figures in a drawer. Damn you and your infernal cleaning, woman! By the way, Happy Mother’s Day. Anyway, the dialogue spoken by the action figures was generally a mix of dialogue taken directly from other shows and ordinary clichés. Circular dialogue that really had no meaning. That’s the level of dialogue on this show.

In other words, the show is not very good. The acting is desperate and awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! The dialogue is devoid of personality, over played and full of pregnant pauses. The show is rife with a cheap synthesized score and low rent special effects. Scenes are punctuated with awkward zooms. The formula of the show never breaks out of this perpetual stalemate. The alien-cam effect is shit. And the image is terrible. It looks like a worn out videotape.

Still, there are moments when the shittiness of the show pays off. The humor is sophomoric, but occasionally funny. And the effects are radically gruesome. I mean really nasty-looking. Compared to a lot of TV shows, the computer programs looked half way credible (in that I don’t know what I’m looking at when I see the computer screen). And it is so refreshing that one particular cliché is absent: the government never tries to shut the operation down.

Really your enjoyment of the show depends one how you accept the last episode. If you can appreciate a killer robot in spandex who slowly jazzercises as she speaks with an echo effect, giving the most childish exposition possible and occasionally shooting bad special effects out of her hands, you will like the series. Seriously, I can only imagine the direction this actress was given.

I myself, thought this show was crap. I had never managed to watch the first episode before now, so this was the first time I had watched the show. Absolutely, a poor purchase.

American Gothic

American Gothic

A horror series produced by Sam Raimi that aired on CBS in 1995-1996.

The Set-Up: In the creepy little southern town of Trinity, the American dream is alive and well thanks to mullet-sporting Sheriff Lucas Buck (Gary Cole). Apparently, Sheriff Buck has it in his head that in order to keep the peace, he needs to get his hands on supernatural wunderkind Caleb Temple (Lucas Black) who keeps in psychic contact with his recently murdered sister, Merlyn. Dr. Crowther (Jake Weber) is a Yankee, recovering alcoholic who gets the heebie jeebies from Sheriff Buck and decides the Sheriff should be nowhere near the kid.

Meanwhile, Caleb’s distant cousin Gail Emory (Page Turco) is awakened by a psychic vision that calls her to the town so she can protect Caleb and keep the Sheriff’s murderous mitts off the kid while she investigates the deaths of her own parents.

Sheriff Buck does not take kindly to this. By the way, he may or may not be Satan himself.

Typical episode: Caleb and his friend Boone creep around town getting into mischief. They discover something they shouldn’t. Sheriff Buck shows up and blackmails someone into helping him. Gail investigates the family history and finds more and more disturbing evidence. Sheriff Buck keeps showing up and intimidating her. Caleb consults with his dead sister. Someone stands up to the Sheriff – often it’s Caleb’s dead sister. Either he succeeds in intimidating them, or he kills them. Or he goads them into killing themselves.

The style: The Andy Griffith Show, possessed by Twin Peaks. Or as the show runners describe it in the commentary, Touched by Satan.

Typical Dialogue: “Looks like Marlene did you right. She comes from a long line of backwoods nymphos.”

More Dialogue: “This town does cover its tracks, all right. . . The secret history of the south is hidden in blood. Genealogy . . . family.”

More Dialogue: “The devil’s cleverest ploy is to persuade you he doesn’t exist. Never underestimate the power of the unholy to deceive.”

More Dialogue: “Ted, that man is half dead. You half way took us hostage. I’m going to call you Half Ted.”

More Dialogue: “Oh, she’s a gentle soul. Heart of gold and all that crap.”

Typical Kid Dialogue: “Grampa’s taking a nap on the ceiling.”

My Favorite Dialogue: As a kid looks at his birthday cake,
“What should I wish for, Daddy?”
“Salvation.”

Funny Observation: This is the second one-season wonder in a row that features blood spelling out words in the pilot episode.

It’s also the second show to feature someone showering in blood.

Special Guest Stars: Bruce Campbell and Ted Raimi.

My favorite episodes:

1.1 “Pilot” The opening scene is fantastic. It burns the creepy, frightening southern gothic atmosphere onto your brain. Corpses crying blood. Blood spelling out words on doors. Secrets uncovered. The special effects are questionable, but the style is fun and eerie. Nicely paced with a cliffhanger ending.
1.2 “A Tree Grows in Trinity” The search for Caleb continues. Sheriff Buck’s grip on the town is strong thanks to manufactured favors. Another eerie episode with clues aplenty. Con: the editing techniques are dated and too over-the-top.
1.4 “Damned if You Don’t” This show nicely establishes the Sheriff’s grip on the town. A subtly menacing episode.
1. 7 “Meet the Beetles” Bruce Campbell shows up. An awesome Psycho reference. Caleb digs up his own grave. This episode is the creepiest so far. But why is the editing so whack? This episode is one of the more stand-alone stories.
1.9 “To Hell and Back” This show really likes to evoke Boo Radley. It also does a great job of setting up a character’s weakness and utilizing it for topnotch drama. It fills in the backstory of one particular character. By the way, Sheriff Buck is one evil fuck. And I’m a little ashamed, but this episode even made me shed a single, solitary tear.
1.11 “Rebirth” I didn’t like this episode at first. I thought I had it all figured out. But then it pulled a clever trick on me. I feel gullible. We see Merlyn’s dark side for the first time.
1.14 “Inhumanitas” The most religiously themed episode, and it’s awesome. Finally, a proper supernatural showdown, but Sheriff Buck has an ace in the hole. It draws a line and raises the stakes considerably.
1.16 “Dr. Death Takes a Holiday” An extremely dark episode. Another showdown. A major win for the dark side. The plot is delivering on its early promises.
1.21 “The Buck Stops Here” A very twisted penultimate episode that nicely sets up all the pieces for the finale. Dark, suspenseful and surprising.
1.22 “Requiem” The final episode is totally deranged and totally awesome. The forces of “good” no longer matter. The final battle is between two evils. All with a ridiculously over the top score. And thanks to excellent character development, allegiances are a seriously tricky matter. I mean, who the hell am I supposed to root for here?

My Least favorite:

1.13 “Resurrector” The Sheriff Buck portion of this episode is pretty dull and ordinary. It’s a take on An American Tragedy. But I like Caleb’s story – if only because we get to see voodoo landlady/legal guardian Loris Holt. Where the hell has she been? Plus the ending is pretty awesome. This show knows how to end an episode.
1.20 “Strangler” This episode was silly. The Boston Strangler seems like an awfully random spirit to evoke. An unnecessary episode.

How many episodes were produced? 22. Only 18 aired.

Was there much continuity? Absolutely. The story is a slow build. Characters develop and information is doled out deliberately. Issues often carry from episode to episode, and little things mentioned early on often come back later. There are very few cliffhanger endings, but the endings often set up what is to follow.

However, you must watch it in production order – not broadcast order, which is how it is set up on the DVD! To watch it in broadcast order would drive a person insane. For instance, one character receives their back story episode after they have been committed and locked away. And a viewer would never buy that one character might fall for another character if one particular episode appears at the end of the run rather than in the middle.

Here’s the proper viewing order, which is what I used.

Disc 1 Side A Episode 1 - "Pilot"
Disc 1 Side A Episode 2 - "A Tree Grows in Trinity"
Disc 1 Side A Episode 3 - "Eye of the Beholder"
Disc 1 Side B Episode 1 - "Damned if You Don't"
Disc 3 Side A Episode 4 - "Potato Boy"
Disc 1 Side B Episode 2 - "Dead to the World"
Disc 1 Side B Episode 3 - "Meet the Beetles"
Disc 1 Side B Episode 4 - "Strong Arm of the Law"
Disc 2 Side B Episode 3 - "To Hell and Back"
Disc 2 Side B Episode 2 - "The Beast Within"
Disc 2 Side A Episode 1 - "Rebirth"
Disc 3 Side B Episode 1 - "Ring of Fire"
Disc 2 Side A Episode 2 - "Resurrector"
Disc 2 Side A Episode 3 - "Inhumanitas"
Disc 2 Side A Episode 4 - "The Plague Sower"
Disc 2 Side B Episode 1 - "Doctor Death Takes a Holiday"
Disc 2 Side B Episode 4 - "Learning to Crawl"
Disc 3 Side B Episode 2 - "Echo of Your Last Goodbye"
Disc 3 Side B Episode 3 - "Strangler"
Disc 3 Side A Episode 1 - "Triangle"
Disc 3 Side A Episode 2 - "The Buck Stops Here"
Disc 3 Side A Episode 3 - "Requiem"

Why was it canceled?
According to the mostly unreliable commentary, the ratings started out well and dropped later. And it is clear to me that the network liked to play around with the show too much – airing episodes out of order when it really matters. Even the order on the DVD is totally fucked up. But really, I can only imagine that a show this horror-heavy would never do especially well on network television.

Was there closure?
According to the commentary, the show runners knew that the show was been canceled with enough time to write an ending. So while there is no giant cliffhanger, the show just kind of stops. We get the big showdown that we’ve been waiting on for 22 episodes, but it doesn’t really feel as if all that much is resolved.

Any unattended issues:
What the hell happened in that last minute? The show just stops. I’m not entirely sure who won. And then some of the supporting characters never got a proper resolution.

The Deputy never got out from under the Sheriff’s shadow or completely dealt with the secret he was hiding. I assume Gail will be okay. And will Dr. Peale always be so damn clueless? And what about Selena? All these characters completely fall away in the final few moments.

The verdict:
Hey, this show was pretty good. It was certainly better than I remembered.

Lucas Back (Sling Blade) is great as the pissy little kid with no one he can trust. But I’m not a fan of Gary Cole. Something about him irks me. I feel as if he goes for the easiest path in crafting a performance. His performance is all attitude and swagger, and he lacks the menace or charisma his character needs. The rest of the cast is excellent.

The pacing can be a little slow, but it fits the slow drawl of Southern Living that the show is going for. The special effects are often cheesy and the editing is continually misguided. Still, I like the imaginative camera work – the canted angles and wild dolly shots. But there are too many goofy mini montages.

There is considerable attention spent on character development. There are complex backstories and very rarely does a character do anything that hasn’t been carefully set up in preceding episodes. That being said, Buck’s seduction of one particular character feels unearned to me. Characters I expected to be one-off characters often came back for a bigger purpose. Meanwhile, big characters seem to disappear completely (Where are you, Ms. Holt? There are people in your house!).

This show was created by Shaun Cassidy, who also created Invasion. There are more than a few similarities. Most especially the evil sheriff and the southern town where he is king. As with Invasion, I’m not quite sure what the stakes are exactly – beyond the pragmatic matter of life and death. What happens if Buck “turns” Caleb? What is Merlyn’s agenda exactly? It reminds me a little of Carnivale, where at the end the carnies band together to defeat Clancy Brown, but what do they have against Clancy Brown?

Unlike Invasion, the characters are well defined and I always understand how much they know, how much they suspect, what they are fighting for, and what is preventing them from fighting harder.

Exactly as you would suspect, it is Sam Raimi for television. Cleaned up for the censors, but still gruesome, scary and funny. Beyond the dated, over-reaching stylistics, there is a truly well done story with strong characters. An excellent purchase.

Miracles

Miracles

A horror series that aired on ABC in 2003.

The Set-Up: Daddy-obsessed, Church-sanctioned miracle investigator Skeet Ulrich decides to take time off from the church – having lost his faith. He moves to the desert and gets a job building houses. He’s recruited for one last investigation. Tommy Ferguson, a kid who mysteriously heals people. The catch, every time the kid heals someone, he himself gets sicker.

Skeet is then in a terrible accident. As Tommy heals him, Skeet notices his own blood spelling out the words, “God is now here.” He is contacted by creepy table-thumping Angus Macfadyen and some chick whose name I don’t remember. He tells Skeet that six other people experienced the same thing – only they saw the words, “God is nowhere.” Skeet joins their non-profit (because no one ever pays them?) ghost-busting group called Sodalitas Quarito.

It turns out Skeet is “special . . . but he’s also vulnerable to things like this.”

Typical episode: Something really fucking weird happens. The gang is called in. Skeet flirts with a cute girl. The gang comes up with a theory for the weirdness. No one believes the gang. Somebody beats up Skeet. The gang realizes that they were slightly wrong about the supernatural weirdness and show up just in time to see the supernatural weirdness work itself out.

The style: Somewhere between The X-Files and Supernatural.

Typical Dialogue: “I think the dark is its own thing, too. I think it can do stuff. And sometimes I think it wants something.”

More Dialogue: “I wish I had an explanation for that, but I don’t.”

My Favorite Dialogue: “You ever hear a horse scream?”

Special Guest Star: Gloria Stuart. She’s really good in a mediocre episode. Wow, she’s old. And Shannon and Bernard from LOST.

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “The Ferguson Syndrome” The opening scene is uber creepy – setting up a dark, menacing atmosphere for the show. The cinematography is fantastic in this opening episode, and it is beautifully shot. None of the following episodes look half as good. Skeet gets hit by a train.
  
• 1.5 “The Bone Scatterer” I first saw this episode just after seeing Mysterious Skin for the first time. What a fucking depressing day. This episode might not be as good as I give it credit for, but I find it intensely effective. Chris Marquette is excellent in it. Skeet gets hit by the sheriff.
  
• 1.6 “Hand of God” Karl from LOST (“They’re coming right now! Whaaaaagh!”) saw the same message Skeet saw. Only his interpretation was a little different. This episode throws a subversive twist into the plot of the series. Even though I liked this episode, the direction was especially lazy and ordinary. Skeet gets hit by an iron.
  
• 1.11 “The Ghost” All the issues meshed into one episode for your convenience. Parent/child issue? Check. Someone’s faith is rewarded, but not? Check. And the direction in this episode is really good. Skeet gets hit by a lamp.
  

Special mention:

• 1.7 “You Are My Sunshine” is a poorly written episode. However, it has one of the funniest edits I’ve ever seen in a show. That one moment nearly makes up for the rest of the episode. Skeet gets hit by a girl.
  

My Least favorite:

• 1.2 “The Patient” Too much flirting, not enough ghost busting. Too many tinkling pianos. And the silly twist ending . . . gross. The guy who wrote this episode, also wrote my least favorite episode of Profit.
  
• 1.10 “Saint Debbie” Sample dialogue “There’s your miracle.” Ugh. The town people rally together. And perhaps the most inappropriate musical cue ever. Almost good, then completely botched.
  

How many episodes were produced? 13. But ABC has a habit of only airing 6 of any given one season wonder.

Was there much continuity? Almost all the previously-ons feature the same snippets of dialogue from the pilot – giving the illusion of serialization (“Everybody has a dad. I just never knew mine.”). In reality, there is very little continuation from one episode to the next. The first, sixth, and the final episodes are the only ones that directly deal with a larger “mythology.” The final episode only recalls the mythology, more than it deals with it.

Tommy vanishes for long stretches at a time. In the final episode, Skeet seeks help because he is being haunted by Tommy, but Tommy hasn’t shown up since episode three or four.

Skeet often claims he’ll keep in touch with someone, but they are never heard from again.

In “Hand of God,” Skeet is faced with the idea that it is his divine purpose to hunt down and kill four people. This is mentioned in passing only once more.

Why was it canceled? The Invasion – I mean liberation – of Iraq. As a result of the extensive coverage of the war, Miracles kept getting shuffled around. Supposedly, even avid fans couldn’t keep up with the airings.

Was there closure? The final episode gives closure to Skeet’s relationship with Dead Tommy, although I was unaware this was an issue until the last episode.

However, in the final scene of the series, there is a scene that “caps” the series off so to speak. It’s a cool development, but I have no fucking clue what it means. Clearly there was more to come.

Any unattended issues: Skeet never catches up with his daddy, whose significance is never revealed. And we never learn about the “darkness” or the final three that Karl from LOST was going on about.

What was the meaning behind Skeet’s vision(s)? We’ll never know, and since the show is generally ambiguous, I don’t feel the need to know. But clearly there was more to this mystery that is left blatantly undeveloped.

I’m left curious about where the show was planning to go.

The verdict:
Before buying this DVD, I did as much research as I could, since I didn’t want to buy some Highway to Heaven/Touched by an Angel knockoff , but with more blood. To the show’s credit, it’s not. It never comes down either way regarding God or religion. In one episode, Skeet awkwardly describes heaven to a child as a place where all the houses are filled with clowns. “But I don’t like clowns.” “Well, they’re really more like performance artists.” It’s mostly a monster-of-the-week kind of show, with faint developments here and there.

The pilot shares more than few qualities with Carnivale – including a rainstorm of blood. But after that, the series settles in for fairly predictable plots. The show is bleak and creepy most of the time, but as it progresses, it gets less and less stylish. Sometimes the show is compelling and eerie. Sometimes painfully trite.

The plotting is often a little lazy. Macfadyen’s dialogue is regularly ridiculous. The other chick in the group is kinda useless. Except she’s got a bullet in her head (mentioned only once) and she continually delivers the clunkiest, touchy-feeliest dialogue. Skeet mostly underplays his part – very well. Kind of a sleepy performance. Meanwhile Macfadyen comes off as a spastic shit in comparison.

The parent/child issues are omnipresent and help the show consistently tap into emotionally resonant mysteries. The show is often preachy, but not about religion and not in a way that’s out of character for the speaker. Ultimately, the show never breaks out of its formula, but it does subvert it nicely. It surprises me with how good it is, only to drop the ball and suck. Just when I give up on it, it gets good again. In the end, Miracles feels somewhere in the middle. It has strong moments, but overall, it’s a little weak. If more attention had been spent on the “darkness” subplot, it would have been a hell of a lot more interesting.

Miracles Prediction: I don’t know why this didn’t occur to me sooner, but clearly Skeet’s father was going to turn out to be one of those he would have to kill . . . probably.

Day Break

Day Break

A sci-fi /mystery series that aired on ABC in 2006.

The Set-Up: Detective Brett Hopper (Taye Diggs) wakes up next to his girlfriend. Sees a bird at the window. Hears the dump truck collecting trash. Knocks a dish off the sink. He reads in the paper that the assistant district attorney is found dead. He is then arrested for said murder and held without bail. That night, someone comes into his cell, drugs him, and kidnaps him. They show him a video of his girlfriend’s being murdered and imply the same thing lies in store for his sister and her family unless he takes the fall. They inject him with something. He passes out.

He wakes up next to his girlfriend. Sees a bird at the window. Hears the dump truck collecting trash. Knocks a dish off the sink. He quickly figures out that something is fucked up. He tries to keep one step ahead of the police and those creeps who kidnapped him with what little knowledge he has. He soon learns that the murder of the assistant district attorney runs deep and he can trust no one.

As he continues repeating the same day over and over, Diggs tries to unravel the mystery while eluding all the different factions trying to stop him. Every change he makes at the beginning of the day, affects something later in the day. It's a little like watching someone else play a video game. Only not suicidally dull.

Same day. Different shit.

Typical episode: Diggs wakes up. He races off to his intrigue-filled day. He discovers various secrets about everyone he thought he knew. He learns that someone he could once trust is capable of betraying him, or vice versa. He tries to change the day and solve the mystery. Something he has done has an adverse effect, or reveals something previously unknown. Boom! Day Break.

The style: Groundhog Day times The Big Sleep with a sprinkling of 24.

How many times does he repeat the same day? By my count, 59 times.
At my count of 18 days, Diggs says it has been three weeks. He could have been approximating.

Typical Dialogue: “I don’t have time. You always end up helping me in the end. Can we just skip to that part, please?”

More Dialogue: “If I get here earlier tomorrow, I might be able to help her.”

Most Repeated Dialogue: “For every decision, there is a consequence.”

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “Pilot” This thing comes flying out of the gate with a barrage of information, asides and references that will all become clear later, but only after keeping very close attention. The pace is fast and takes no prisoners. I especially like how Diggs’ gloves come off after only the first day.
  
• 1.6 “What If They Find Him” This episode focuses on Damien more than most. Maybe the funniest episode of the series. The day starts changing. Good thing too. It was starting to get too familiar. The editing kind of implies that Diggs dies in this episode – in a funny way, but he doesn’t. That would violate the rules.
  
• 1.7 “What If He’s Not Alone” Jared is a sad, contradictory character. Could all this be the result of an anomaly in the temporal lobe, leading to “hyper active déjà vu?” A clever mindfuck suggests not. This episode flirts with the sci-fi implications more than the others.
  
• 1.10 “What If He’s Free?” I really like the episodes with quick days where Diggs tries various approaches as he tries to overcome one particular obstacle. Bonus: The ending is super duper depressing.
  
• 1.11 “What If He Walks Away?” The opening montage of super hero calls is awesome. Then, the emotional toil of the day comes into play. “You’re not the same person I went to bed with last night.”
  

Least Favorite:

• 1.5 “What if They’re Stuck” Too many tinkling pianos. Too much Adam Baldwin. Other than that, it’s solid.
  

How many episodes were produced? 13. Only six aired on television.

Is there much continuity? There’s an excess of continuity. We often see the same scenes repeated over and over – altered slightly depending on what Diggs has accomplished during the day. Eventually, Diggs figures out what everyone is doing at what time of the day and plans his actions accordingly.

And there is a lot to keep track of. For example, something that’s mentioned in episode 3, won’t be elaborated on until episode 10.

To further complicate things, everyone but Diggs reboots everyday. Meaning that the writers have to keep track of what everyone knows or doesn’t know at the beginning of every day, despite what they may have learned in previous episodes.

Why was it canceled? Low ratings. Its labyrinthine plot and over-saturation of promos certainly didn’t help. The first episode had 10.6 million viewers. The sixth episode had 3.1 million. Ouch. Meanwhile American Idol, Grey’s Anatomy and Desperate Housewives continue to dominate the ratings. Damn you, America!

Was there closure? The mystery is solved. Diggs is cleared. Damien and Diggs kiss and make up to a pretty sax solo. There’s a pillow fight. A few deaths. The actual physical final confrontation is a little weak (i.e. not half as exciting or suspenseful as any final confrontation in Veronica Mars), but the answers are satisfying. Alas . . .

Any unattended issues: . . not all the bad guys are caught.

Plus, there’s this issue, where Diggs keeps repeating the same day over and over. That’s never explained. Diggs suspects it may have to do with a drug he’s given the first day, but he continues repeating the day even when he doesn’t get the drug. And that goofy final shot reminds the viewer that this was never resolved.

How is it that characters sometimes feel affected by what happened in previous versions of the same day?

The verdict:
Watching the show over the course of a few days rather than a few months makes it much, much easier to keep track of all the different threads. The show was created by some dude named Paul Zbyszewski. Cleary he set out to create a show as complicated as his last name. He succeeded. After The Prisoner and Nowhere Man, this is third show I’ve watched recently where a lone man is investigating a vast conspiracy. Other than that, the show is like no other.

The writing is smart, dense, and sardonic. Like LOST, every name has literary significance. (My favorites are Lloyd the bartender and the Santayana Club.) Information unfolds at a quick rate, and only occasionally feels overwhelming. Even the DVD extras are dense (There’s 13 episodes and 15 commentaries.) The nifty ticking sound effects-driven score keeps the tension taught, even if it is a little too unrelenting. Taye Diggs gives a great performance that’s equally intense, funny and later. flattened. In early episodes, Diggs feels adrift in a giant sea of mystery. As a result, the show feels like it’s spinning its wheels a little in the beginning. But once he finally starts making headway, the show takes off. Not that it’s ever boring.

The show is often grim. Nearly every character dies at least once. Many, more than once. And the family issues run deep.

On the other hand, I really hate Adam Baldwin. He always plays smug, macho jerks with no redeeming qualities. He doesn’t play funny jerks, or scary jerks. Just smug jerks. If everyone would stop casting him, that would be okay with me. And because of the nature of the show, a lot of episodes run together.

This is a show I had been looking forward to buying for a while. A crazy experiment of a show. I had heard the showrunners would discuss their plans for future seasons, but I find no such conversation on the DVD. Granted, I haven’t listened to every commentary track. Still, an excellent purchase.

Day Break has cult classic written all over it. It answers enough questions to feel complete, and leaves enough unanswered to invite speculation from fans.

The Book of Daniel

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The Book of Daniel

A family comedy/drama that aired on NBC in 2006.

The Set-Up: Via lots and lots of exposition, we learn that Daniel (Aidan Quinn) is an Episcopalian priest with a dope-peddling daughter, gay republican son, adopted Chinese son, and a Vicodin addiction. His wife is an alcoholic. His African-American maid is crusty but benign. And his father is an old school, conservative bishop. One day he discovers that the church fund has been drained by his brother-in-law, whose wife turns out to be bisexual. D’oh! Quinn goes to a Catholic priest/mafia godfather to track him down. Quinn gets advice from hippie Jesus who appears only to him. Religious/gay wackiness ensues.

Typical episode: Quinn pops some Vicodin. Someone holds hands. Quinn’s wife fixes herself a drink. Jesus appears and says something sardonic or hokey. Something wacky and edgy happens – involving one or all of Quinn’s children. Don’t forget, Peter is gay. Someone remembers the past as a piano tinkles. Characters share a laugh. Ellen Burstyn rips Quinn a new one in a loving way. Someone says something ignorant and bigoted. There is a family chat and everyone tells everyone else that they are loved. A piano tinkles again. There’s a soapy twist.

The style: Six Feet Under diluted by Desperate Housewives.

Typical Dialogue: “Now, do we know any more about the stolen church funds? I mean, has anybody even questioned your sister-in-law about her embezzling husband and the extramarital affair he had with the woman who might possibly have murdered him?”

More Dialogue: “ Dan, it is impossible. You will never lose me. Maybe to a flower shop.” [Laugh, kiss, hug.]

More Dialogue: “Don’t live in the past. Learn from the past. Live in the present with God. He’ll get you back on track.”

Typical Jesus Dialogue: “I’m not a fortune teller.”

Favorite Episodes:

All the episodes kind of run together. No episode feels any different from any other episode. None focuses on one character more than any other. None advances the plot more than any other (other than the pilot). And none subverts any of the conventions of this particular genre in any way. 1.7 “God’s Will” is the only episode that sticks out, and due to its over-reliance on montages set to a sappy, maudlin version of “Time After Time” (among other crimes), I can’t really recommend it.

Least Favorite:

1.1 “Temptation” This show sucks. Exhibit A.
All the rest of the episodes.

How many episodes were produced? 8. Only one aired in Nashville.

Is there much continuity? It’s very soapy. But certain traits are dropped when the writers seem to forget about them.

Why was it canceled? Christian groups were offended by the idea of TV Christians being fallible or TV show creators being gay. They should have been grateful somebody in prime time was going to church at all! At any rate, they nipped that in the bud.

Was there closure? A few things are dealt with. Peter finally comes out to his grandfather – ending eight episodes of wacky misunderstandings. And Peter gets back together with his Jewish ex. But Quinn’s supposedly dead brother-in-law is still alive and we don’t know how he faked his death or who else is involved in the money-laundering silliness he left in his wake.

Any unattended issues: In the final scene of the last episode, there are a few desperate grabs at drama. Quinn learns that his brother is in bed with the mafia, and Quinn’s adopted Chinese son has gotten a white girl pregnant. And then you was canceled, bitches! Break out the martini classes!

The verdict: Let me describe a scene for you. In the episode “God’s Will,” a mafia contractor has arranged for Quinn to come face-to-face with the redneck who gay-bashed his son within an inch of his life. As Quinn grabs the redneck and yells at him, a mug reading “World’s Greatest Dad” falls off his desk in slow motion and shatters on the floor. Quinn then weeps in the corner, blood on his knuckles, and the previously mentioned version of “Time After Time” plays (for the fifth time this episode!) over another montage of his family hugging because Peter (the gay son) has come out of his coma. That is the show in a nutshell.

This show is awful! Aidan Quinn steals Mel Gibson’s wide-eyed muttering act. There is little actual drama – no matter how much everyone overreacts. Absolutely nothing here feels real or honest. Nothing! Everyone is a clichéd caricature.

A Christian group called Focus on the Family described the show as being full of “behaviors almost universally agreed upon as unhealthy to society.” These behaviors include drawing comics, using a condom, having a monogamous relationship with someone of the same sex, talking to Jesus, using pain relievers, building schools, grieving for a child who was lost to cancer, having feelings for someone other than your Alzheimer-stricken spouse, getting into politics with a uterus, smoking pot to relieve diabetic pain, and drinking martinis in the afternoon. Yikes. No one on this show even struggles with their faith. No one. They are all fucking Christians. And I suppose they are all going to heaven. Somebody give them a goddamn medal!

The cast is seasoned enough (Ellen Burstyn for Christ’s sake!). But the delivery! The direction was too pedestrian. There were too many elements designed to “push the envelope” without providing any resonance. The tinkling piano never lets up. It’s as subtle as a shit monster. And every episode boils down to a chat on family values in a modern world at least ten years behind the time.

I really just bought it because I can’t fucking stand Christians and their telling me what I can and can’t watch. Fuck you, Christians!

Nowhere Man

Nowhere Man

A sci-fi series that aired on UPN in 1995 -1996.

The Set-Up: Photojournalist Thomas Veil, played by Bruce Greenwood, goes out to dinner with his wife. He heads to the bathroom for a smoke and when he gets back to his table, she’s gone. His credit cards don’t work. The locks have changed. Not even his dog recognizes him. And when Veil does catch up with his wife, she is shooting him one damn cold stare. He soon figures out that “they” have erased him because of a picture he took. Veil escapes, but has nowhere to go and no one to trust. He must now follow various clues while trying to elude “them” in an attempt to get back his life and making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Typical episode: Greenwood is desperately following some lead while keeping a low profile. He stumbles onto a mystery with esoteric sci-fi implications. He meets someone. They seem really nice until they offer to help Veil by taking a gander at the negative of a photograph he took called “Hidden Agenda.” There is a blatant romance-of-the-week strategy to this show. He witnesses something freaky. He discovers “they” are involved. He leaves behind his ally/betrayer to an unsure fate and moseys on down the road. He knows not where he’s going to.

A la X-Files, there are two kinds of episodes. The more anthology/existential ennui episodes, and the episodes that seem to push the mystery forward. However, you rarely know which kind it is until the end of the episode.

The style: The Prisoner divided by The Fugitive times The Incredible Hulk.

Typical Dialogue: “You’re supposed to see the tricks, not the mirrors . . . Everything they give you, they can take back. Everything you thought you had, you don’t. Absolute zero. Bottom line., Gentle Jack”

More Dialogue: “It’s not science fiction, and you wouldn’t be talking to me right now if you thought it was.”

Typical Lame Narration: “As I learned, there was more – or maybe less –to this haven than met the eye.”

Most atypical exchange: “I’m a photojournalist.”
“Oh, cool . . . Have you ever taken Julia Roberts’ picture?”
“No, no. I’ve never met Julia Roberts.”
“Oh, yeah. Me, neither . . . but it would be great, though, don’t you think?”

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “Absolute Zero” A highly compelling beginning to the series. Director Tobe Hooper brings a mysterious and even funny creepiness to the proceedings. Paranoia unleashed. A bit overstuffed, but it certainly gets the point across. It’s all downhill from here.
  
• 1.8 “The Alpha Spike” This episode is the best example of what series creator Lawrence Hertzog was going for. It does nothing to further the overall mystery. It is simply an excuse for Greenwood to uncover some Organization-sponsored sci-fi shenanigans. A brilliantly satirical (and frightening) musical number. This episode makes a correlation between high school education and brainwashing. My favorite episode of the series by a mile.
  
• 1.9 “You Really Got a Hold on Me” Thanks to a great performance by Dean Stockwell, this episode is fairly emotionally stirring. Stockwell plays a man who has been in Greenwood’s shoes for thirty years. And it has taken a hell of a toll. A fucked-up way to do the right thing.
  
• 1.13 “Contact” This paranoid episode introduces a few key aspects -- including an unseen ally to Veil from inside the wide reaching Organization. One of the few episodes that really furthers the plot and contributes to the series as a whole.
  
• 1.22 “Calloway” A very disconcerting episode. The stakes are raised. Not only does this episode move the mystery forward, it gives the whole thing an urgency that wasn’t there before.
  

Least Favorite:

• 1.7 “A Rough Whimper of Insanity” They make a huge deal out of rudimentary Internet functions. By 1995, it wasn’t that mysterious. And the virtual realty schtick? Awful! And the main guest actor is fucking terrible. This whole episode gives me a tumor. The title of the episode is an anagram for information superhighway. This episode is really, really bad.
  
• 1.11 “An Enemy Within” Greenwood is injured in a tiny town with no phones or hospitals or electricity and must be nursed back to health by sexy single Maria Bello. An evil corporation is taking over the town and wants to take Bello’s farm. While he’s hanging around anyway, Greenwood inspires the town people pull together to fight the corporation. Bello becomes twitterpated. They flirt and kiss and have sex. Wasn’t your wife one of the things you were trying to get back, Mr, Veil?
  

How many episodes were produced? 25.

Is there much continuity? Sometimes. Ultimately, the concept itself doesn’t add up logically. It might be more plausible if Veil led an isolated life, but he seems to be a well-respected sociable person. Surely there’s someone that “they” haven’t gotten to that knows him well enough to believe him and help him. There are too many unexplored areas of his life.

Sometimes, he’s carrying the negative on him. Sometimes he has it hidden somewhere. It just depends on what the plot demands.

The show skirts a serialized strategy in favor of a more anthology-like approach to things. As a result, there’s very little sense of the bigger picture mystery coming into focus. Each revelation feels too disassociated from each revelation that came before. As a serialized mystery, it’s not successful. But that was never the intention. Show creator Lawrence Hertzog confesses that he never intended to answer all the questions raised in the pilot and doesn’t even know the answers himself. He goes on to express frustration that the network tried to force him to answer some questions by the end of the season. He just wanted each episode to be, “an allegory for the human condition, etc., etc.”

During the last half dozen episodes, there is a network-imposed story arc that actually moves the story forward and builds from episode to episode.

Like the Prisoner, the episode order creates a barely detectable character arc. In the beginning, Greenwood is lost in a sea of existential ennui. Later, he becomes more pro-active and occasionally succeeds in disrupting the Organization in some small way.

With the final revelation, the diary he mentions at the beginning of every episode suddenly becomes a plot hole.

Why was it canceled? Supposedly, the fledgling UPN network decided it wanted to focus its attention on comedies, so Nowhere Man was not renewed for a second season despite decent ratings.

Was there closure? The series ends with a very big revelation that had been fairly obvious for the last five episodes. Clearly the show runners were anticipating a second season and the finale was meant to send the show in a new direction. But it’s a revelation that creates more questions than answers, and frankly I don’t think the writers would have been able to step up to the challenge. All that would have changed would be the expository dialogue that Greenwood gives whenever he interrogates someone.

Any unattended issues: Loads. I still don’t know what the hell was real and what wasn’t.

The verdict: Wildly uneven. Frequently confounding. Constantly humorless. The storytelling is very confident, but it still doesn’t make a lot of sense sometimes. Clearly the writers were flying by the seat of their pants. Greenwood’s performance is lacking charisma. He’s a little too everyman, when he should be exceptional.

Thanks to Mark Snow’s creepy score, the ending of each episode highlights the eeriness of the show. But without real continuity in the mystery, it’s impossible to get invested. The show is not even that good at sustaining an atmosphere of paranoia. Greenwood continually gives his name as Tom Veil and never changes his appearance – isn’t he trying to hide? Dude, grow a beard or cut that floppy hair!

The formulaic plots get old. It becomes increasingly easy to guess what’s going to happen by the end of the episode.

It’s impossible to watch this show without thinking of The Prisoner. Veil is even called Number Six in one episode. Many episodes rip off the plots of Prisoner episodes. From the doppelganger episode to the broadcast hypnosis episode, to the manufactured reality episode. Hertzog himself refers to the show as a less cerebral version of The Prisoner. Sadly, this show also lacks the humor and the style of The Prisoner. And while Six was always an agitator, Veil is a survivor who never really stands for anything. He doesn’t have a point-of-view. And the show itself is just too vague. An intriguing experiment of a show that never broke out of its mold enough to make an impact.

The Prisoner

The Prisoner

A sci-fi series that aired on BBC in 1967 and CBS in 1968.

The Set-Up: A newly retired secret agent is kidnapped and finds himself in . . . “The Village.” The Village is a community of brainwashed citizens who go only by numbers. Number Six, our hero, remains a holdout to the various techniques designed to break his rebellious spirit. His primary foe: an ever-revolving chain of Number Twos. Each Number 2 has a degree in mindfuckery. If anyone swims too far into the ocean, or wanders too far into the woods, “Rover” is unleashed. Rover is a giant white, screaming ball that bounces through the streets and suffocates those who break the rules. Some citizens of the Village are friends. Some are foes. And Number Six himself is unsure if the Village is “ours” or “theirs.”

Typical episode: A three-minute opening sequence lays out the plot – revealing the kidnapping and some typical esoteric dialogue between Number Six and the New Number Two.

Number Six wakes up in the morning and paces furiously around his apartment. Number Two watches from a surveillance room where two men on a rotating seesaw stare silently into black boxes. Number Two reports to someone on a clunky cordless phone while his faithful but mute dwarf butler pours tea. A deception is put into action. Someone contacts Number Six. He assumes they are a foe. Number Six then concocts his own plan and disrupts the establishment as best he can.

In the end, Six’s disembodied head flies at the camera and is prevented from bouncing into my living room thanks to some carefully timed bars slamming shut on the screen.

The style: Danger Man plus The Fugitive divided by Lost times Looney Tunes. Or Fantasy Island gang-raped by Dr. Strangelove and The Twilight Zone. Or perhaps The Smurfs through Grouchy Smurf’s eyes.

Typical Dialogue: “I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.”

More Dialogue: “The mountain can come to Muhammad.”

Typical Village Propaganda: “Questions are a burden to others. Answers a prison for oneself.”

Most Spoken Dialogue: “Be seeing you.”

My favorite episodes:

• “The Arrival” McGoohan wakes up in the Village. Number Two shows him around. He sees the creepy big white screaming ball that suffocates people. The bizarre, offbeat style and twisted sense of humor are established immediately. Every ally he comes across is most likely working against him. He is completely on his own. This show is the ultimate in paranoia, isolation, anti-authoritarianism, misanthropy and off-the-wall weirdness.
  
• “The Chimes of Big Ben” One of the more sadistic episodes. Perhaps the closest the bad guys get to ascertaining what they need from Number Six. This episode drives home that he can trust no one. When Number Six catches onto their scheme and limps away – having been dealt a crippling blow – is one of my favorite moments.
  
• “A, B, and C” Number Six is really starting to get the better of those in charge at the Village. Another of my favorite moments: when Two watches the doors open on the monitor, and the camera pans to the same door – expecting Six to walk through. Trippy, man.
  
• “It’s Your Funeral” The first sign of dissention in the ranks. Some actual suspense. And Kosho, that weird sport with the water tank and the trampolines.
  
• “A Change of Mind” Six is declared “unmutual” and “disharmonious.” This particular mind fuck is more commonly called the silent treatment. And getting the shit beat out of you. There’s a room just like Room 23 on LOST. This episode celebrates misanthropy.
  
• “Hammer into Anvil” Six gets his own degree in mindfuckology. And I do believe he’s been studying under Bugs Bunny.
  
• “Living in Harmony” This show is so goddamned weird. At this point, you have to go along with it. A western? Sure, why not? This episode did not air in the U.S. supposedly because of the drug use. But there is a persistent theory that the pacifist message of the episode (during the Vietnam war no less) was the real reason it was pulled. After all, it’s hardly the only drug-fueled episode. Bonus: McGoohan runs really funny.
  
• “The Girl Who Was Death” The missile is the lighthouse itself!
  
• “Once Upon a Time” Sample dialogue from this episode: “Pop goes the weasel” “Pop.” “Pop.” “Pop.” “Pop, Pop.” “Pop, Pop, Pop.” “Pop. Pop. Pop.” “Pop Protect.” “Protect?” “Protect Pop.” “Pop.” “Protect other people.” “Protect other . . .” “People’s own protection.” “Protect other pop.” “Protect other people!” “Why?” “Pop” “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?” “Pop” This exchange has been shortened for your sanity. The whole episode is like this. Who writes this? It’s like watching some drug-induced lunatic’s therapy. Awesome.
  
• “Fall Out” The cinematically insane New Wave techniques of sixties filmmaking makes its way to British television. Now *this* is rebellion. An absolutely ludicrous set-up with little to no real-world logic. The conversations run in circles. Characters break into songs. The masked jury/assembly breaks into dance. “Give it to me, man! Give it to me!” It’s the Marx Brothers on acid. The “judge” even gives a speech evaluating the different kinds of rebellion. “Revolt can take many forms . . .” “Youth rebels against an accepted norm because it must . . .” And finally, “revolt contributes nothing to our culture and must be stamped out.” The assembly caters to Number Six in another effort to break him. They concede that he is a true rebel, but they don’t plan to truly let his rebellious nature win out. Machine guns blaring to the sound of “All You Need is Love.” (How much did the music rights for this DVD set cost!?)  No answers are given to the mysteries inherent in the show. Only allegorical insanity. No preachiness (because there is no real-world conceits being rebelled against). Anarchy!
  

Least Favorite:

• “Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling” An information-heavy episode, but without Patrick McGoohan. Lame. Half clip show. Half contrived suck-ass.
  

How many episodes were produced? 17. According to one website, the only show with only 17 episodes. I doubt that.

Is there much continuity? Not really. The show even acknowledges this in its structure. A different actor plays Number Two in nearly every episode. And even when Six seems to find a reliable ally, they never appear again.

The rules for the Village change from episode to episode. An election for Number Two takes place early on, but later, the position seems to be appointed. Sometimes there’s a curfew, sometimes not so much. This can all be conveniently explained through the mysterious nature of the Village.

There are three possible locations that Six determines for the Village – all in completely different places. Actors playing one part will often show up later playing a different role. A common practice before IMDB or DVD. That particular suspension of disbelief is rarely practiced these days without fancy wigs to disguise the actors (see Deadwood and Veronica Mars).

Despite this, the viewing order as determined by the DVD set very much follows a clear line of character development. Early, Number Six encounters failure after failure. Unable to escape the Village and remaining a step behind Number Two. Initially, Six takes the direct approach in attempting to ascertain information from his captors. By the end of the series, he is regularly undermining the administration – even if he isn’t escaping. He is bringing them down from the inside. The episodes also grow steadily stranger in this viewing order.

Why was it canceled? The stories abound. According to most reports, McGoohan only wanted to make seven or eight episodes in the first place. The network wanted 26. 17 was the compromise.

Was there closure? Yes and no. The ending is completely intentional. However, rather than answering key questions, the show ultimately tosses those questions out the window and breaks down into a mass of insane anti-narrative.

Any unattended issues: Legions of fans thought so. McGoohan famously had to disappear to avoid the threats and complaints from fans who felt they had been ripped off by the series finale, a notoriously controversial episode. I, on the other hand, fully appreciate the bizarre non-sequitor ending.

According to Wikipedia, co-creator George Markstein envisioned a different ending. One with an actual explanation. There was no mention of why Markstein relented to MGoohan’s nuttiness.

The verdict: One of my favorites. Despite numerous attempts to rip off the series, The Prisoner remains unique. The plots are barely comprehendible at times. The style is absolutely of its era. And the dialogue is baffling. Without McGoohan’s inspired performance, the show would crumble under its own lunacy.

There is a common theory that Number Six is the same character McGoohan played in Danger Man. The weakest argument for this theory is Number Two’s referring to Six as “Drake,” his character’s name from Danger Man. However, most agree that Two says “break” rather than “Drake.” The best argument involves Christopher Benjamin portraying a character named Potter in both Danger Man and The Prisoner. McGoohan expressly claims they are not the same character despite this.

There is a calculated misanthropy to the series. It is anti-authoritarian. Pro-individual. Anti-community. Even McGoohan’s most genial greetings reek of disdain. I love it for its anger, black sense of humor, and general weirdness.

Recently, there have been rumblings of an update. BBC tried to revive the series. And Christopher Nolan has routinely expressed interest in making a feature film. If they ever do make a movie, I hope they consider casting Pierce Brosnan because a) he would be ideal at the smirking nonchalant style required, and b) it would be fun to speculate that double-o-seven had been taken down a notch to number six.

The Drak Pack

Drak Pack

A Saturday morning cartoon that aired on CBS in 1980.

The Set-Up: “From the monsters of the past, comes a new generation dedicated to reversing the evil image of their forefathers. Under the leadership of none other than Count Dracula, known as Big D, three teenagers form the a do-gooder group named the Drak Pack. With special powers they can transform into super mighty monsters and use their skills against all evil doers – especially the diabolical Dr. Dred, and his renegade rascals, Toad, Fly, Mummy Man, and Vampira, a group known as OGRE, the Organization of Generally Rotten Enterprises. It’s right versus wrong. Good over greed. Niceness against naughtiness. That’s the dedication of the terrific trio, Frankie, Howler, and Drak, Jr. The Drak Pack.”

Typical episode: The Drak Pack is enjoying their vacation at the beach when they receive a message from Big D. Big D, a.k.a. Dracula, makes a comment about kids these days and slams his fingers in his coffin. The Drak Pack takes this as a cue to go after the omniscient Dr. Dred, who sets up a meeting with Drak, Jr. in some obscure location. As usual, Dr. Dred is infinitely more clever than the Drak Pack and he ensnares them in a trap. He then leaves them unattended to follow out his evil plan to do something goofy with an exceptionally nifty piece of sci-fi gadgetry. Drak, Jr. notes that they were caught by the ole this-or-that trick. The trio suddenly remembers that the best way to defeat Dred is to “Drak Whack.” Now one could reasonably assume the “Drak Whack” might be some sort of a circle jerk. You would only be half wrong. They proceed to touch each other and yell, “whack-O!” They then turn into monsters.

As monsters, they are still insipid, but with more strength and magical powers. Drak, Jr. can change into a dog, mouse, or bat. But his favorite shape is a whiff of smoke. Howler can blow really hard. And Frankie can . . . be strong, I guess. Ultimately, Dred is defeated when his right hand man, Toad, does something even stupider than the Drak Pack and brings about OGRE’s defeat. Dr. Dred swears revenge and the monsters check in with Big D, who says something sarcastic.

The style: Superfriends divided by Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein minus logic.

Typical dialogue: “We better Drak pack whack and make tracks!”

Sadly, The Best Dialogue On the Show: “I wonder what’s left in the refrigerator. Yuck! Nothing but plasma. I hate those diet drinks!”

My favorite episodes:
I can’t determine the proper viewing order. According to my research, it is not what is on the DVD, but since there’s no continuity or ongoing structure, it doesn’t really matter.

• “Dred’s Photo Finish” An evil camera turns people into paper. Cameras are evil.
  
• “Package Deal” The only time Dr. Dred seems aware that Count Dracula even exists. Also a plus, the gang travels to Transylvania. It’s also the only episode that even approaches cashing in on the horror concept of the series.
  

Least Favorite:

• “Color Me Dredful” I just want to note a moment near the beginning where Dred is discussing his evil plan to drain the color from everything with his anti-color gun. As he lays it out, the camera pans to a picture of the Drak Pack. Dred implies he will use his anti-color gun on the threesome, and the picture turns black and white. It reminds me of a moment in a late era episode of Scooby Doo, where the Blimp is discussing his plans to use the mask of Medusa to turn Scooby and his friends to stone. Yes, my nerdiness knows no bounds. Anyway, my point is . . . who the fuck cares about draining the color from shit. Getting turned to stone? A problem. Going black and white? Not so much. That’s the problem with this show in a nutshell. There is nothing threatening. Ever.
  

How many episodes were produced? 15.

Is there much continuity? Not at all. First off, the main concept of the series is heavily flawed. The main kid is introduced by the narrator as Drac, Jr. But Dracula refers to himself as his great uncle. Dracula is susceptible to sunlight, but Drak Jr isn’t. The werewolf turns into a werewolf whenever he Drak Whacks – regardless of whether or not there is a full moon.

And clearly, Dr. Dred is the most competent character on the show. He has surveillance equipment everywhere on the planet, and it’s the kind of surveillance equipment where he always gets a great shot of the action, and the audio is perfect.

In one episode, Dred loses his fly swatter, but mysteriously has it again later. Furthermore, Dred always uses his fly swatter to whip Toad – not Fly – although I will concede that the last one could be a running joke.

Why was it canceled? Cartoon shows in the early eighties were highly disposable. This was one of those.

Was there closure? Whatever.

Any unattended issues: Issues?

The verdict: Ouch. The reason I own this show was an attempt to revisit my very early taste in junk. My taste has changed since I was four. I’m surprised to learn this came out in 1980 since that must mean that my penchant for monsters was already in place that early, but that’s why I watched the show. It had monsters. My other favorite show at the time was Scooby Doo. But Scooby Doo took place in haunted houses, cemeteries, bogs, and dark places. And at night. This show takes place in the day at beaches and carnivals. There is nothing creepy about this show despite the monster element.

There are only one or two times when someone runs away at the sight on three monsters, but it’s mostly an opportunity wasted. There is no allegory regarding outcasts. Despite the opening narration, there is no mention of trying to right the wrongs of earlier generations. It’s just three fairly incompetent superheroes in monster make-up. And they’re not even good super heroes at that. In one episode, the bad guys are defeated because Dracula calls the police! The police!

The three main characters have the most obnoxious cartoon voices ever devised and when Drak, Jr. turns into a vampire, he looks like a fucking drag queen. The show was clearly devised by a bunch of cash-in kings with a paucity of imagination and a vague knowledge of monster movies, super heroes, and the Wacky Races. I want to go back and slap my four-year-old self senseless.

Twitch City

Twitch City

A comedy series that aired on CBC in 1998 and 2000.

Disclosure: I screwed the pooch. I could have sworn this was only one season, but apparently there were two. I didn’t realize it until I hit the second season on the DVD. Since only 13 episodes were made and I invested three and a half hours in the first season, I’m going to continue along as if nothing is amiss. I invite you do to do the same.

The Set-Up: Agoraphobic Don McKellar (eXistenZ) spends all of his time on the couch watching TV. All of it. His favorite show is the Springer-esque Rex Reilly Show. One day his obsessively neat roommate, Nathan, goes out to buy cat food and kills some gay homeless dude. McKellar must then find someone to rent the room out to while he shuffles his roommate’s girlfriend, Molly Parker (Deadwood), to a room that was once used as a closet. But it’s not a closet. Honest. Newbie (eXistenz) works at the local convenience store. Sometimes he shows up and makes comments.

Typical episode: McKellar rents the room out to someone who seems nice and normal. Turns out they are a dangerous freak. Meanwhile, Parker tries to find a job to make herself useful. McKellar watches a lot of TV.

The style: Friends divided by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The plots are pure sitcom, but the treatment is dry and ominous.

Typical dialogue: “Anyway, that’s why I will not speak any French. I mean they can’t make me. I will not speak even one word of French. Like even au contraire is an expression and I would rather just say, “No, actually. I beg to differ or something.” Are you going to show me your room? I’ll show you mine. When we were in high school, there was supposed to be this gang who lived in the sewers. A gang of tough kids. They lived underground. And we had to go home and we had to go through the ravine. We were afraid they were going to come out and beat us up. And there were lots of les- legends. I almost said lesbians. I don’t know why I said that. I must have lesbians on my mind for some reason.”

More Dialogue: “Do you believe . . . this!?” [The speaker then stabs a carton of milk to death.]

More Dialogue: “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly . . . When you asked me to move into your room, did you do it because you loved me or had some affection, or because you wanted the extra rent?”

More Dialogue: “I’ll be killing Curtis in a little while, and I don’t want people to hear him screaming, because they might try to stop me.”

Typical exchange: “I think I killed someone!”
“Well, you just keep that outside.”

Special Guest Star: Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female mode.

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “I Slept With My Mother” McKellar’s roommate, after fruitlessly attempting to get McKellar to respect the job wheel, goes out to get cat food, but ends up beating a homeless man to death. Immediately, it presents itself as the kind of show where you’re not really sure if what you’re seeing is supposed to be funny or sad. Or scary.
  
• 1.3 “I Look Like Joyce DeWitt” The new crazy ex-roommate leaves behind a mysterious box that smells like “meat.” Parker realizes that McKellar never leaves the apartment. Ever. To a crippling degree.
  
• 1.5 “I’m Fat and I’m Proud” McKellar’s friend, Newbie (“I’d be surprised if I had a friend named Newbie.”) becomes the new roommate. Initially, Newbie is excited to see his old friend again (McKellar has become a shut-in), but they soon become rivals because they each claims to love television more than the other.
  
• 2.1 “Return of the Cat Food Killer” A riff on HBO’s Oz. This episode stays almost exclusively with Nathan, who destroys the TV in the prison. Nathan’s roommate’s flashback is awesome. A great anti-cliffhanger cliffhanger.
  
• 2.3 “Klan Bake” Faux finishes. They’re all the rave. The sweet old meals-on-wheels lady is awesome. Trying to guess the mystery disease McKellar is faking makes for a nice running joke!
  
• 2.4 “People Who Don’t Care About Anything” The cliffhanger to episode 2.1 is finally addressed. Were these aired out of order? One of the broader episodes, but the humor is black enough that I don’t mind.
  

Least Favorite:

• 2.5 “Planet of the Cats” Cats take over the world. A human resistance group springs up. This episode goes off the deep end. And yet, the series subtly(?) telegraphed this episode from very early on. We were warned about Lucky. “”Lucky is my human name.” I still kind of like this episode, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. The cat playing Lucky has his own page on IMDB. Maybe the cats really are taking over.
  

How many episodes were produced? 13.

Is there much continuity? Generally. There is a lot of running jokes – like the pineapple cookies. Certain twists are telegraphed far in advance – like Lucky the cat warning McKellar of his plans to take over the world after McKellar east some of the mysterious pineapple cookies. Even the crazy cat lady from episode 1.3 is onto lucky.

The actor playing Rex Riley changes between seasons. Yet, this is explained via a passage in his autobiography.

There’s only one incongruity with the roommates that sticks out. Where did Clinton come from? He seems to hang around for three episodes, before fleeing.

Why was it canceled? I can’t find any information regarding how well this show was received at the time.

Was there closure? Barely. There is an ending. But it’s mostly artificial. McKellar creeps outside of his comfort zone in order to be with Parker, but there is obviously going to be a lot of issues to be resolved between them. After 13 episodes, it’s weird to see them in a different setting. It’s like the final episode of Fraggle Rock.

Any unattended issues: Nathan’s story remains unresolved. Lucky the Cat lives on.

The verdict: A weird surreal comedy. It uses an ominous eeriness for comedic effect. The characters all share an indifference to life. The show also has a sleaziness to it – mostly due to the rundown state of the apartment and its mysterious stains. All of these are pluses in my book. The character flaws run deep and the humor barely keeps depression at an arm’s length.

The show becomes looser and wackier in the second season, but it still never comes close to the silliness of most sitcoms. I bought this show based only on a description I read online. The end of the series is weak. It could have really addressed the sad state of McKellar’s character. Still, a good purchase.

Earth 2

Earth 2

A sci-fi series that aired on NBC in 1994-1995.

The Set-Up: The Earth has become uninhabitable. A super rich foxy chick puts together a mission to colonize a far off planet in an effort to find a cure for her sickly eight-year-old son’s condition, known as “the syndrome.” With futuristic technology that’s already outdated, they escape the mean ole government’s efforts to stop their leaving and crash on some planet 22 light years away. Once there, they migrate to their intended landing site called New Pacifica and slowly discover the planet’s many mysterious secrets. Gee, it seems someone’s been on this planet before . . .

Just so you know, in the future, all vehicles will be built by Hummer. Buy stock now!

Typical episode: An eagle cry echoes across the desert (every episode!). The group lounges around their campsite repairing things and doing scientific experiments. There’s lots of silly sci-fi jargon/exposition regarding the “rules” of the future. Antonia Sabato, Jr. has goofy visions about the planet with a funky shutter effect and percussion heavy score. Everyone reassures everyone else. One or both of the bratty kids wander off and do something stupid requiring the adults to panic. The husband, Morgan, wants a bigger piece of the pie and acts silly. Someone mentions that those Yale model cyborgs went bad a few years ago. I wonder if that will come up later . . . Clancy Brown grumbles something under his breath. The Terrians or Grendlers or human inhabitants have issue with the caravan. The doctor does some research, spouts off some pseudo-medical jargon and comes up with an answer! The Cyborg boils the adventure down to a single, easy-to-digest lesson. If Tim Curry is involved, there will be a scene where he quotes Shakespeare to himself.

A different character manages to narrate most (but not all) episodes without revealing an ounce of their personality.

The style: Star Trek plus Lost divided by Gilligan’s Island.

Similarities to Lost:

• The resident doctor is hot.
  
• Their fancy flying machine crashes for reasons unknown.
  
• There’s a married couple.
  
• The first night there, a dangerous creature is discovered in the forest/jungle.
  
• “We’re not alone.”
  
• Magical healing exists on the island/planet.
  
• Each episode focuses on a different character.
  
• A young boy is kidnapped by the mysterious denizens.
  
• A young boy has a psychic connection with their new home.
  
• The “castaways” meet up with a nut who has been on the island for 15 or 16 years.
  
• Numerous flashbacks to the crash.
  
• They find two human skeletons near their campsite.
  
• Terry O’Quinn.
  
• Clancy Brown.
  
• An abandoned cabin with a moving rocking chair.
  
• Ghostly visions.
  
• There is a mysterious transmission that has been going for many may years. 16 years vs. over 20.
  
• “I’m getting extreme readings here. An electro-magnetic pull.”
  
• Flash forwards.
  

Similarities to Gilligan’s Island

• The married couple is pampered and spoiled.
  
• The amount of scientific experiments is excessively absurd.
  
• A hell of a lot of people have journeyed to this island/planet.
  
• The show is silly and stupid.
  

Typical dialogue: “I’ve never seen such a rapid escalation in development. That horse, its genetic growth braking mechanism is not kicking in. If it continues growing at this pace, it’ll be dead in 48 hours.”

More Dialogue: “This passage may be a time-space fold. Think about it. We’ve said before that this planet is a living organism, with a very strong metaphysical plane. So possibly this tunnel could be part of a circulatory system. A means for the planet to transport things.”

More Dialogue: “On those Kemper one-tens, a good bump will usually lift the contacts right off the power harness.”

More Dialogue: “Well, True girl, I think that’s what happens to rain when it freezes. They used to call that “snow” back on Earth.”

Typical Tim Curry Dialogue: “Worked wonders, my friend. They won’t be going anywhere without the dune-rail’s vital organ. In days, I’ll have won them over.”

My Favorite Tim Curry Dialogue: “Why are you so wretched?”

Typical narration: “It’s like fear of the dark when you’re young. Only now being old enough to know the dark is real, and it’s coming after you. And maybe, just maybe, it is you.” <- Shades of Night Stalker.

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “First Contact” The show had promise. The crash. The Terrians reveal themselves. They are genuinely creepy, and I really like the effect where they rise out of the ground. The only special effect I like on this show.
  
• 1.4 “Promises, Promises” Tim Curry at his most evil. He’s a meanie. Antonio Sabato, Jr. narrates, but he’s barely in it. Other than that, this episode is mediocre.
  
• 1.8 “The Enemy Within” Terry O’Quinn in a big echoey room. I forgot that he shows up this early in the series. A traitor in their midst. A fairly uncomfortable episode. In fact, I kind of like this entire Terry O’Quinn arc. Even when Terrians are nice, they are creepy as hell. Talk about socially awkward. The allegory regarding drug abuse is lame. Cat fight! At the end, Yale rehashes everything that happened in the episode for no reason whatsoever.
  
• 1.17 “The Boy Who Would Be Terrian King” This episode cuts back and forth between the present, er current future, and the future future, where Uly has grown up to be a freedom fighter for the Native Americans, I mean Terrians. There’s a nice juxtaposition between 25-year-old Uly having grown apart from his mother due to politics, and 9-year-old Uly getting tucked into bed by his mother. Devon asks future Uly if they make it to New Pacifica. Uly changes the subject and doesn’t answer her. That was slick of the writers. The ending is a bit pandering, but mostly an enticing episode.
  

Least Favorite:

• 1.9 “Moon Cross” Sample dialogue: “This? It’s called hugging and touching. People – men and women do this when they know each other better. People limit this to their friends and their family.” Gag.
  
• 1.14 “The Greatest Love Story Never Told” By this point in the series, there are way too many secret sects of humans. It’s no longer mysterious when we meet people on this planet. It’s supposed to play like a wagon train western, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a western TV show I liked. Plus this episode is super fucking cheesy. And the mystical conversations in the bright white room where everyone speaks in profile – directed by Ingmar Bergman? And too many goddamn children. Fuck! I hate cutesy children! It is kind of cool to see Carnivale’s Patrick Bauchau and Clancy Brown in a scene together. But not cool enough.
  
• 1.15 “Brave New Pacifica” Spiders in love. I wretched up my lunch.
  

How many episodes were produced? 21.

Is there much continuity? There is a definite attention to continuity. Sabato, Jr. takes weeks to heal, but once he does it’s instantaneous. Guest stars generally hang around for four episodes before being written out. When winter hits, they set up camp and stay there for many, many episodes. Characters are consistent, but once the Terry O’Quinn arc plays out, most of the episodes are filler until it picks up again in the final episode. In the beginning, the mystery regarding the planet’s secrets are intriguing, but by the half way point, there is a definite here-we-go-again quality to every person they meet.

For the last few episodes, the writers drop the gimmick of having a different character narrate each episode. Yippee!

Unfortunately, a few episodes were aired out of order and remain out of order on the DVD. Thus, one character seems to be in perfect health when she fell into a coma the week before. In the two episodes that never aired, appearing after the final episode, some important shit happens. The geo-lock is found. And spring is brought about thanks to a magical whispy insect and some of the worst special effects I’ve ever seen. Considering that winter seems to be the biggest threat they face in getting to New Pacifica, I’m surprised they didn’t air the spring episode.

Why was it canceled? As far as I can tell, it just had so-so ratings. I can’t find much information on this particular show.

Was there closure? Nope. It ends with a cliffhanger, which was written to deal with the lead actress’ pregnancy. However, the series was not renewed for a second season, and the cliffhanger was never resolved.

Any unattended issues? Well, besides Devon being in a coma! Also they never make it to New Pacifica. They never come to terms with the Terrians. I suppose Riley is still a threat. Basically, there’s a shitload of unresolved stuff here.

The verdict: This show was filmed at my college during my freshman year there. Everyone was aware of it, but no one actually watched it. I think I saw more episodes of Seaqust than I did Earth2. I saw the premiere episode and just didn’t feel like watching anymore. Plus I didn’t have a TV at the time. This show makes me miss the Southwest.

The title sequence makes it look like some kind of ghetto Christian program. All sunsets and hugs and silhouettes.

The dude playing Morgan is far too goofy and adds to the Gilligan’s Island side of the scale. The main chick, Devon, is bland. The chick doctor is kind of cute. Antonio Sabato, Jr. does better with his role than I expected. Of all the actors, Clancy Brown does the best job of bringing some respectability to the proceedings. No surprise there.

This show had a lot of promise, but mostly it squandered it with dumb dialogue, iffy acting and cliched characters. For the first nine episodes, there is an ongoing mystery regarding the new planet, but at episode 10, the series settles in for more episodic, less threatening plots. And the show really suffers as a result. All tension between the characters becomes superficial and my curiosity about the planet’s cultures are never satisfied. It just feels underdeveloped and ultimately compliant.

Some of the problems I have with the series:

• Why the hell isn’t Devon more overprotective of her kid. To have juxtaposed her parenting to Danziger’s more laissez-faire parenting techniques would have been an excellent source of character development. Instead, they are both just generically overbearing the way most parents are.
  
• After episode ten, none of the characters they meet ever really pose a threat to New Pacifica. Isn’t that the whole point of the show – making it to New Pacifica.
  
• Their relations with the Terrians is way too friendly. There really needs to be more drama there – rather than just sometimes Terrians are nice, sometimes they are creepy.
  
• Why is Antonio Sabato, Jr able to talk to the Terrians. Doesn’t this bother anybody?
  
• The married couple seems to have an agenda early on, but it mostly falls to the wayside and they just become annoying and whiney.
  
• Sabato’s romance with the doc is nothing more than an excuse to watch two pretty people hold hands a lot.
  
• I never get a good headcount of how many people are in the caravan. In one episode, someone dies, but I can’t figure out who. All the usual extras seem to be there still. Battlestar Galactica posts a body count at the beginning of every episode. That might have helped here to know how many people there are at least once.
  

*according to some dude on the internet, the writers were all replaced mid-season and the show was changed to appeal to the Sunday night football crowd. However, I can’t find evidence of his online. The show definitely changes direction somewhere in the middle.

It could have been a good show, but it’s not. Or as the chick who plays the doctor says in the outtakes, “It’s so freaking cheesy!”