More Disney Movies

This stretch of Disney movies covers the transitional years. From the Nine Old Men to a younger generation.

ROBIN HOOD

Film: This film was the last classic story that Disney did for quite some time. Unlike any feature length story they had done before, all the parts are played by animals in people’s clothing. Even when Disney portrayed a fox and cat in clothes in Pinocchio, it was still a world populated by humans. They had depicted worlds inhabited soley by animals before, but only as short subjects (e.g. “Mickey and the Beanstalk”, “The Wind in the Willows”).

This was the third straight feature with Phil Harris.

Plot: A fox and a bear steal some shit from a gay lion and his snake lover. There’s some romantic confusion between the only fox in town and the only vixen in town. They don’t realize how much the other loves them. But then there’s a big party. Some taxes are levied. Then a rescue. Then a deus ex machina.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No death. Just workin’ on the rock pile.

Nature of Songs: Roger Miller sings the songs as Alan A-Dale. It’s mostly a constant strumming. Very country/folk – which is right in line with many of the live action films of the time. There’s a little too much music back to back.

And yet, there’s a little seventies jive in the score. And then there’s “Love Goes On and On.” A seventies light rock love anthem that plays as the characters stroll through the woods at night. Bah.

My Favorite Moment: Robin Hood’s stunt-tastic escape from the castle. I saw this movie quite a bit as a kid since it played on the Disney Channel all the time. That climax with the burning castle was awesome. Watching it now, it’s kind of dull. Still, it’s a little less dull than the rest of the movie.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: There’s some shitty plotting that revolves around how Robin Hood and Maid Marion both love each other but don’t think the other cares – leading to a parade of pep talks.

I got pretty mad at the movie when a church mouse gives his last farthing to church. WHY? And then Friar Tuck takes it! This guy’s last farthing! Jesus Christ!

Political Agenda: It’s Robin Hood, which is all about robbing the rich to feed the poor. This movie marks a deliberate shift in attention to class. The protagonists are no longer idle rich. They are struggling poor. There is an anti-taxing slant in general, but it focuses on overtaxing the poor. Although, any taxes in general seem to make it rain.

Competition at the time: Fantastic Planet, Snoopy Come Home.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They’ve mostly left it alone. They have a tendency to do that with the movies that lend themselves best to an onging story.

Verdict: Peter Ustinov is excellent. The style is very much like what Don Bluth will be doing a decade later. For example, characters laugh with such ferocity, they have to grab their belly.

The cutesy kids are a drag. And the suspense is pathetic. Does anyone believe Robin is dead at the end?

The worst part is the ongoing trend of an unrelated Deus ex Machina at the end. PARDONED. “King Richard returned, and well . . . he just straightened everything out.” Seriously? What the hell was all that for if everything was just going to be straightened out in the end? Bah!

THE RESCUERS

Film: This movie marked the passing of the guard from one generation of Disney animators to the next. It was financially successful and less ambitious than many of their earlier movies.

Plot: A little girl is trapped in a swamp with a creepy fat man and some crocodiles. Rodents seek her out. They accompany her as she robs graves. A fat woman screams a lot. The little girl gets adopted and in a fit of insanity declares that rodents can talk.

Nature of Villain’s Death: She is left high on tree with crocodiles snapping at her feet. So she’s not dead just yet.

Nature of Songs: 70’s soft rock. All about love and flying and dshit like that. Prepare to be inspired!

My Favorite Moment: Penny sitting alone in the orphanage – sad that a couple chose the little red head girl instead of her. Awwwwwww. I also enjoyed Bob Newhart’s dry reading of Orville’s rules.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Bianca doesn’t buckle up because it will wrinkle her dress. Seriously? The late seventies and we’re still depicting chicks like this?

But really, the songs are designed to torture me with their flaccid sounds and casual optimism. Bah! I should also mention the animals to the rescue scene. CHARGE!

Political Agenda: There’s some vague religious nonsense. A prayer made to the sound of a tinkling piano. “Faith makes things turn out right.” God and rodents. That’s all you need to make thing right.

Once again, Disney made a story that revolved around poor people. While happiness does not necessarily mean coming into money or getting married, it does mean getting adopted.

Competition at the time: The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A proper sequel. Other than Fantasia, this is the only Disney animated movie to have a sequel that is also considered part of the cannon.

Verdict: Unlike anything Disney had done in almost two decades, this movie has the plot and momentum of a genre film. He entire film is one long rescue.

As far as the style of animation goes, this movie is less sketchy than the previous few films. There are some clever suspense set pieces such as the crocodiles playing the organ. It is a little jarring to see a Disney villain actually shooting a gun, but it’s a major indication that Disney was trying to be more modern. Finally, the romance is nicely handled in that it comes naturally. It's not just instant love at first sight.

THE MANY ADVENTURES OF WINNIE THE POOH

Film: A consolidation of the three Winnie the Pooh shorts – one of which had already won an Oscar.

Plot: Episodic. Winnie the Pooh and his friends wander around aimlessly misunderstanding things.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A

Nature of Songs: Childish wordplay and sing-song melodies. In particular, the Heffalumps and Woozels number is very Seuss-like. It takes the trippiness of Dumbo’s Pinks Elephants on Parade to the next level.

My Favorite Moment: There are quite a few. Rabbit trying to paint a smiley moose on Pooh’s ass – causing Pooh to laugh and mess up the smile.

Most of my favorite moments come from the middle section: “Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day.” After destroying Eeyore’s house, “Thanks for noticing me.”

“Pooh, did you do that?”

“I don’t think so.”

I also love Pigglet’s note. “Help P-P-Piglet (me).” It is complete nonsense, yet the character’s logic and speech is so confidently done that it makes perfect sense.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The buffer scene added to make the transition from Blustery Day to Tigger, Too. It sticks out like a sore thumb. And then there’s the continuity of Pigglet being back in his house after giving it to Owl in the previous installment. That didn’t really make me cringe as much as it just reminded me of the nature of the movie.

The wink at he end is a particularly embarrassing bit of corn.

Political Agenda: Forgiveness.

Competition at the time: Wizards, Watership Down, The Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit, Raggedy Ann and Andy. Animation grew darker during this period.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They made one last short – with a style that’s looser and more spastic. Animated by a different studio – though released under the Disney name. And then there three television series – one of which was half-way decent. And finally ten –count ‘em – ten sequels.

Verdict: The movie is not quite as charming as I remember it, but it is very sweet. It’s ll about friendship and characters going out of their way to help each other - until the last part when Rabbit attempt to leave Tigger in the woods – only to have it backfire. There’s not much conflict and the sweetness does not sustain the movie for its entire length, but the tacked on final scene is sweet - though not as profound as the books’ ending.

THE FOX AND THE HOUND

Film: The first movie to exclusively rely on the new generation of Disney filmmakers. It was financial success.

Plot: Two boys meet in the woods. They go skinny dipping and fall in love. One is trained to kill, kill, kill. The other scurries a way often. They meet the next spring and shit goes down. They still kinda love each other, though.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The Grizzly causes himself to fall to his own death.

Nature of Songs: They’re all about friendship. At this point, most songs in Disney movies feel more and more superfluous.

My Favorite Moment: The old woman setting Tod free in the game preserve. Her rhyming voice-over is heart-breaking.

I also appreciate the well-plotted climatic fight with the Grizzly. It really is a clever reversal and choreography of characters fighting and interacting.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Big Mama Owl’s initial song is easy listening, obvious crap. It reeks of synthesized eighties sounds. Also, the nonsense about chasing the caterpillar is pretty awful filler.

But mostly, the love-at-first-sight shit rears its nasty head again. The entire love story is lame and forced. Worse of all is when Vixey decides how many kids they should have after hanging out for ten minutes. What a fucking nut.

Political Agenda: Friends can be different. Thematically, this may be Disney’s richest movie up to this point. Depicts the older paternal generation as intolerant and overly confident (It is young Copper who initially catches Tod’s scent.). Clearly, it’s a take on racial relations. The relationship between the fox and the hound is not one that comes naturally in the film. It is one that is forced on them by the old man who owns Copper. The older generation forces it on the younger – insisting that this is the way it is. It suggests that the conflict between foxes and hounds are not natural – as much as they’re instilled. “That’s the way it is.” But man made it that way. That being said, when Big Mama waves good-bye to a butterfly, I can’t help but wonder what the hell she actually eats.

The movie also plays loosely with sexuality. Early on, Tod rolls into Copper’s arms. Copper leans over him as Tod nibbles on Copper’s ear. A very suggestive moment between two male characters.

Gender roles are in full effect here. Men hunt. Women sew.

As with the last few Disney animated films, this one is a far cry from watching rich people dream and dance. These people live in shacks. Their vehicles are run down. And for the first time, there’s no rich epilogue.

There is even a bit of an anti-gun message: “You trigger happy, lunatic. Give me that gun!” There is real shift in politics happening here.

Competition at the time: The Secret of NIMH. Bon Voyage, Charlie Brown (And Don’t Come Back), Heavy Metal, The Last Unicorn. Still, animation continued to grow darker and darker while Disney remained relatively light.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A “midquel.

Verdict: From the striking opening (a slow, ominous pan through the forest with no music initially) to the uncharacteristically melancholy ending, this animated movie is worlds different than what had come before. It has a very eighties in its music and look. The style isn’t too different from the made-for-TV Bunnicula adaptation, but the difference is in the story. It gives so much more to chew on and discuss and does it all without being preachy. A very impressive bit of writing.

I have a few quibbles, though. Enough with the owls. And Sandy Duncan is obnoxious as fuck.

Regardless, the ending is not all trumped up emotional uplift. It’s bittersweet. Copper and Tod have acknowledged their love for each other, but must learn to live apart. A wise movie that’s says something without imposing its values. Despite the obnoxious filler in places, one of the better Disney films I’ve encountered so far.

THE BLACK CAULDRON

Film: The first PG-rated cartoon from Disney. There were many stylistic differences what Disney had done before. It was hugely expensive and contained no musical numbers. The tone was much, much darker than previous films. As a result for Disney’s experimentation, the movie turned out to be a box office bomb.

Plot: A boy’s pig is taken by a dragon. Boy goes to a castle full of creeps and gets thrown in a dungeon. There he meets a chick and a dude with a magic lyre. He robs a grave. He meets some magic people who point him towards other magic people. Bad guys show up again. Inexplicable magic goes down.

Nature of Villain’s Death: His flesh is sucked off by the Black Cauldron – until he bursts into a ball of flames. Kind of awesome.

Nature of Songs: None.

My Favorite Moment: The introduction of the Horned King is very, very creepy. For a cartoon, it really amazed me at how eerie it was to see the back of his head slowly turn. I also loved the Cauldron Born scene. Disney can be really good at being creepy.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The ending. Ugh! The witches go back on their assertion that whoever crawls into the cauldron will never crawl out alive. Inexplicably, that is exactly what DOES happen. Such a crock. Wasn’t there supposed to be a consequence to self-sacrifice? And then Gurgi pushes the two attractive young people’s lips together. Gross.

Political Agenda: There’s a fairly limp anti-war slant. In the beginning, Taran worries that the war (what war is he talking about?) will end before he gets to fight in it. When one character offers the magic sword, “A magnificent sword for a warrior.” Taran laments, “What would I do with a sword?”

And yet, when Taran is quick to sacrifice himself to the Cauldron to stop the Horned King. Ultimately Gurgi sacrifices himself, but he comes back to life. Apparently there IS glory in death and sacrifice. And then you get to live to bask in it.

Yet again, Disney focuses on poor people.

Competition at the time: The Care Bears Movie. It’s a darker movie thatn you would believe.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Other than a video game, they mostly ignored it.

Verdict: This is a shining milestone of Disney’s dark period – which included the live-action movies Return to Oz and Something Wicked This Way Comes. The animation is beautiful. Much of the style is very typical of the animated fantasy films of the time, but with the attention to detail that only Disney could provide. They use many different techniques, and it goes together well – although not seamlessly. I love the darkness of this movie, but it lacks cohesiveness and a real commitment to its darkness. The tacked on / out of nowhere happy ending marrs it badly.

Stray observation: One character calls another a “Hairy little thief.” This phrase will come up again in Aladdin.

THE GREAT MOUSE DETECTIVE

Film: Disney went small again with this children’s story of a mouse detective that fancies himself Sherlock Holmes.

Plot: A dude is kidnapped. His daughter hires some old men to find him. Disguises, robots, and silliness ensue.

Nature of Villain’s Death: A fall caused by Big Ben.

Nature of Songs: Only two. A Vincent Price song that feels too show-tuney for the rest of the movie. A villain song about how villainous he is. And a second song sung by random show girl.

My Favorite Moment: The little girl creeps up on a toy bassinet, and the bat leaps out. The circumstances are inexplicable, but the moment feels like something from a horror movie.

Stray observation: The climax on Big Ben that’s reminiscent of Sherlock’s death at Reichenbach Falls.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Basil’s escape from the uber trap. It never felt especially dangerous, And the makeshift Rube Goldberg trap is not that clever.

Political Agenda: Amazingly void of any political allusions - save a slavish allegiance to authority and the status quo. Basil never expresses any political thoughts, but must save the Queen regardless.

There is a moment when Ratigan threatens to tax the elderly and children, aka “Parasites and sponges.”

The movie also depicts waterfront tavern regulars as thugs and bullies.

Competition at the time: An American Tail, Transformers: The Movie, My Little Pony: The Movie, When the Wind Blows.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: It seems that Disney has a tendency to ignore those movies that would most benefit from a sequel or series. This is one of those that they ignored. Completely.

Verdict: I love Sherlock Holmes shit, but this movie is strictly children’s fare. From the very beginning, amore action-oriented and comical tone is established. Like most of the animated films of the last decade, this one is very plot-centered. The voices feel too recognizable and out of place. Especially Vincent Price. Main character seems more interested in showing off than solving the mystery. The animation is less stiff. More bouncy. And the voice over at the end lacks much punch. All in all, not too impressive, but inoffensive in its flaccidness.

OLIVER & COMPANY

Film: With this movie, Disney tried to take a classic story (Oliver Twist) and create something modern and light easy on the kids.

Plot: A little orphan boy is abused by the system. Thrown on the streets, sold into slavery, seduced into a life of crime. Eventually he is adopted by a loving (and rich) family, but his ties to the underworld are strong and he betrays the rich, loving family. Murder and rape ensue. Except that this story is about kitties and puppies and nobody gets raped.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Hit by a train.

Nature of Songs: Pure eighties montage. Most songs are excuses for eighties choreography about being poor and friendship. Being poor is fun. Especially if you have friends! One of the songs is even about the joys of stealing. It’s not quite “You’ve Got to Pick a Pocket or Two” . . . it’s not even close.

My Favorite Moment: The fight on the Cadillac on the train tracks was fun. And that’s reaching.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Anything involving Cheech Marin. I get it. The Chihuahua is Mexican, but does he have to be so misogynistic and ignorant and repulsive?

I also hate how everyone is living together at the end. Dancing and eating cake. One big bullshit make-shift family.

Political Agenda: The rich are especially idle and shallow in this. Yet, the ending implies that to be rich makes for a happy ending. Oliver rejects his poor friends and chooses to spend his life with his rich friends.

Competition at the time: The Land Before Time. It opened on the same day. Don Bluth, for a moment, proved himself a strong competitor.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They’ve ignored it.

Verdict: The entire movie is an embarrassment. It is trying too hard to be of the eighties. Dogs wearing sunglasses. Ghetto blasters. High fives. Billy Joel. Ruth Pointer. Bette Midler. Clearly, this movie was not meant to stand the test of time. It was designed to make some fast money, which it did. It is difficult not to compare this movie with 1968's Oliver!, which is vastly superior. I also believe Oliver! would ultimately serve as a template for the next ten years of Dinsey animated musicals as they would borrow so much from it. The darkness, the violent confrontational climaxes, the Broadway-inspired musical numbers. Sadly, none of that is here. 

Lastly, animals rescuing a little girls. I think we’ve been here before. Disney had fallen into a bad rut and seemingly settled in for lazy stories designed to vaguely distract only those under twelve.

Zombie on Fire

God is Dead Part 2

Judgment Day: Intelligent Design on Trial

• “Science and religion should ultimately be in harmony, but that doesn’t make faith a scientific proposition. I think, as many religious people do, that faith and reason are both gifts from God.”
• A modern day INHERIT THE WIND. This documentary is exceptionally even-handed. It carefully considers the argument that intelligent design is not a science, which was the argument in trial. While the trial was not specifically about the legitimacy of religion, it really kind of is. The movie does not paint those arguing for Intelligent Design as deceptive and shady. They do that themselves – proudly. The highlight: trying to argue proof in the courtroom for Intelligent Design. What a spectacular train wreck.

Phantasm

• “You think that when you die, you go to Heaven? You come to us!”
• This movie doesn’t deal with religion directly. It involves life-after-death in that bodies are stolen to be reused as zombies. The afterlife is more of a dimension operated by these beings which are not supernatural as much as unearthly. Like many horror movies, it subverts religion and highlights the scary supernatural. But otherwise, it’s toothless as a bit of atheist criticism.

“Tales From the Black Freighter”

• “There is no Heaven. Believe me, sir. I would know by now.”
• A soldier returns from combat – fearful of the supernatural forces racing him. Most of what he sees is in his head, so it’s hard to know whether the ending is real or not. Still, like Phantasm, it subverts the idea of life-after-death leading to an eternal Shangri-La. It’s not necessarily atheist to suggest that Heaven is a crock, but to suggest Hell in any form undermines any atheist agenda the movie may or may not have.

Videodrome

• “That taping mechanism is all self-contained. You don’t have to do anything, but hallucinate.”
• A local film critic asserted to me that atheism in films is reflected in how they deal with death. For example, if death is presented as being for the greater good, it’s not atheist. It’s an interesting point, but it strikes me as an aesthetic whereas I’m focused more on content and subtext. David Cronenberg is an admitted atheist who states that he believes death is the end. There is nothing after that. The only movie of his where I really get a feel for that in atheist terms is Videodrome, in which a character is seduced into committing suicide for a higher reward. “Don’t be afraid to let your body die.” But after he dies, the audience is left with the corpse – sitting lifeless and decidedly unrewarded.

Wise Blood

• “I’m a preacher from the Church of Truth Without Christ. It’s protestant.”
• Late era John Huston. I don’t know if this movie is really saying all that much about God, as much as it’s saying something about zealotry. Although when one character turns to God, he is left with an extreme emptiness. Religion does not fill the void for everyone. Even those who want it the most.
  
• Random trivia: John Huston was an atheist.
  

Disney Films Part 3

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Film: This is the movie Walt himself had been wanting to make for forever. He had been talking out of doing this film for Disney’s return to feature length story-telling (opting to do Cinderella instead). It’s a good thing because Alice bombed at the box office.

Plot: A young person who talks to animals follows a mysterious someone underground . . . where a civilization of people in mime make-up with robot farmers use him to inseminate all the women . . . I may have this plot confused with A BOY AND HIS DOG.

Nature of Villain’s Death: I suppose the villain is the mannish Queen of Hearts – even though she doesn’t make her first appearance until over an hour into the movie. She does not die however as much as she, and the entire court, slips into non-existence as Alice wakes up from her nap.

Nature of Songs: Most of the songs aspire to mimic the nonsense logic and wordplay of Lewis Carroll’s source material, but is so watered down for the kiddies, most of the ambiguity and cleverness is neutered. Except for that song about the flowers. That’s just more of the same soporific shit from before.

My Favorite Moment: Clearly the most interesting character is the Chesire Cat. But while there should be something sinister about him, he mostly just comes off as frustratingly unhelpful.

However, there’s something wonderfully creepy about the cards painting the roses blood-red. Slapping the red paint around willy nilly. It’s very much like imagery from a horror movie to see trails of red dripping across the lawn. The threat of being beheaded hanging over each of the characters involved. There’s a darkness there that seems unintentional and unsettling in it. When the Queens screams “Off with their heads!” she is greeted with cheers. The Queen smiles and basks in the bloodthirsty approval.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Alice opens a small box with mysterious food and a note that reads “Eat me.” How time has changed the meaning of that particular phrase. I also find Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum’s schtick pretty embarrassing. They speak in goofy voices, honk when they bounce on their asses, and tell terrible jokes.

Political Agenda: The movie seems to imply that curiosity and travel are pointless, absurd, and detrimental to a good education. It is safer and more practical to sit and listen to your mother (or older sister or private tutor or whoever the hell that is) read stiff text books all afternoon.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: It was famously mined for one of their role-playing games, KINGDOM HEARTS.

Verdict: Alice is the first heroine not to sit around longing for a boy to come along. She doesn’t seem to care about boys once during her entire adventure. Instead, she just longs for the world to be different. She wants up to be down and down to backwards. Compared to Snow White and Cinderella, this is downright Communist! But whereas Cinderella padded its story shamelessly, Alice plows through its events with relentless drive – not even bothering to properly introduce any of its characters or linger for more than three minutes with any character other than Alice.

Like Fantasia, Alice in Wonderland gained a wider audience later on when many became more interested in head films, surrealism, and absurd humor. In each new episode, Alice is asked to eat something strange or drinking something strange. This movie could not be made today without most audience members reading something about drug use into the action.

Regardless, Alice is such a blank slate meant only to observe one bizarre situation after another that it is impossible to care much about the tacked on lesson she learns in the end. There’s absolutely no point-of-view to this movie. Only a workman-like tour through Wonderland.



PETER PAN

Film: The second Disney flick in a row to feature a young girl longing to go to another world, and then doing so. Only to find that she really wants to come back home.

Plot: A boy sneaks into a children’s nursery, gives the children inside “fairy dust” and then kidnaps them. He takes them to an isolated island populated by a savages, sirens and killers. He introduces them to the other children he has drugged and kidnapped. Soon, the band of killers tracks them down and a violent confrontation ensues. The children insists on being taken home and the boy kidnapper relents and reunites them with their abusive father.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Hook doesn’t die – as much as he’s banished to narrowingly escaping the crocodile’s jaws as they swim into the distance.

Nature of Songs: Generally, the songs are choir-heavy lullabies or rhyme-heavy novelty songs. Mostly, they involve sugary Hallmark card level bon mots of wonder. “When there’s a smile in your heart, there’s no better time to start . . .” And then there’s that one song I’ll get to in a moment.

My Favorite Moment: The sword fight at the end – despite the fact that it lacks much suspense and relies too much on silly humor. But out of this, my favorite moment is the single cut to the Crocodile splashing the water as the children singing their taunting song at Captain Hook. It’s the one bit of humor that’s stylish and just slapstick.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The entire depiction of the Native Americans. The worst moment being “What Makes the Red Man Red.” I know the casual racism is considered of its time, but did no one working on the movie stop and say, “Hey! An entire race of people might find this offensive.” I’m sure it was (and still is) viewed as complimentary and good-natured in the context of the movie.

Political Agenda: “A jealous female can be tricked into anything.” This line sums up most of everything about the movie. Every girl in the movie is depicted as jealous of Peter Pan’s attentions – despite the fact that Pan treats all the women like crap. He’s callous and self-absorber, so of course all the women fight over him.

Competition at the time: Russia began doing a lot if animated film around this time, but I haven’t seen any of them.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Two sequels that were actually released to theaters over fifty years later.

Verdict: Peter Pan always puts me to sleep. As usual, I had to go back and rewatch some scenes. There was some beautiful animation – particularly in the beginning. It seems though that once they arrive in Neverland, the detailed animation suffers. I do appreciate how the film deals with the theme of never growing up. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. Peter Pan is not punished for not growing up. And Wendy does not decide that it’s time to grow up. She accepts that she must, but she is not forced to. It’s a nice balancing act. But it’s all superficial. The conflicts within the movie have nothing to do with growing up or staying young. It doesn’t really amount to much. For an adventure story, it’s too dull.

Despite the title character being a boy, this is very much Wendy’s story. At this point, Disney became obsessed with the passing wants of the young girl. At least, Wendy doesn’t move in with Peter Pan and live happily ever after.

Sometimes offensive, always dull. Never engaging. Another story about a rich girl who has nothing better to do than pine and moan for nothing in particular. Thumbs down.



LADY AND THE TRAMP

Film: The first Disney movie to be based on a unpublished story. Also the first to be filmed in cinemascope. It was very successful financially and has come into very high regard in the years since.

Plot: DOGGIES!

Nature of Villain’s Death: Aunt Sarah and her Siamese cats are the villains, but they don’t die. Nothing at all happens to them. No comeuppance whatsoever. The rat that sneaks into the nursery however, gets decimated by Tramp.

Nature of Songs: Other than the song at the beginning, this movie features a sharp departure from the music that had come before. This becomes clear during the song that Lady sings inside her head. A single voice. Sparse and emotional. Instantly I liked it so much more than what had come before.

Most (if not all) of the songs were written by Peggy Lee. Some were even sung by Peggy Lee – including the torch song “He’s a Tramp,” which I would consider a highlight of the film.

My Favorite Moment: I think my favorite moments are Peggy Lee’s “He’s a Tramp” and the part where Tramp gives Lady his philosophy on life. He explains how he spends each night of the week with a different family. He has so many different families, but “None of them have me.” It’s a philosophy that I personally subscribe to.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The racial stereotyping. The two Siamese cats. And the dogs in the pound – which include a Russian, German and Mexican.

Political Agenda: The movie implies that despite being a vagabond and rover at heart, every loner really wants to settle down and have kids. Despite not showing any desire at all to settle down with Lady. Tramp suddenly does in the coda of the movie. He has a family, and enjoys Christmas Eve with them. It’s disgusting.

Competition at the time: The British animated ANIMAL FARM. Much darker than anything Disney was doing at this time. I’m not sure how it did at the box office, but I know that Lady and the Tramp did better.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was made almost fifty years later.

Verdict: First off, I need to point out that the DVD I received from Netflix is not letterboxed. This movie is in cinemascope. Fucker should be letterboxed. Disney’s style was getting better and better with each film. They took advantage of the cinemascope plane by using wider angles. The animators also became more detail-oriented with their backgrounds. This movie has a very realistic look to it.

It’s too sentimental by far. The scene in the pound features a montage of doggies sitting around with tears in their eyes – miserable. The cutesiness factor is off the charts even early on when Lady refuses to go to bed.

So it’s cute and sweet. It looks great. And it has a message that even the most restless of us just want to settle down and procreate. I never before realized how much I dislike this movie.



SLEEPING BEAUTY

Film: An expensive flop for Disney. The last animated fairy tale Disney made before his death. It did not go over well at the time.

Plot: A rich baby is born. An entire kingdom pretends to care. Various witches and fairies show up to rhyme at the baby in lieu of bringing gifts. Then three raging fairies kidnap the girl and show her how awesome being a peasant is. She grows up and her stench attracts all the animals in the kingdom to her. She is sexually assaulted by a stranger while being inappropriate with the wild life. She likes it. Crazy bitch finds the girl. Crazy bitch induces a coma in the girl The fairies drug everyone in the kingdom. The sexual assailant finds the crazy bitch and kills her with the help of the fairies. He then takes advantage of coma girl. Hey live happily ever after.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Maleficent. Stabbed through the heart with a sword and falls off a cliff. It’s about time they got back to killing the villain.

Nature of Songs: More choir-heavy love songs. All dreamy lovey shit. As one of the fairies makes her spell on Sleeping Beauty, the choir chimes in, “For True Love Conquers All.” The only exception is the song performed by the kings – about how awesome it will be when their kids get married and their kingdoms unite.

My Favorite Moment: Some of the interplay between the fairies is quite good. It turns out they are legitimate characters with relatable personalities. One such bit of dialogue: “It looks awful.” “That’s because it’s on you, dear.”

The shot of Aurora passed out on the floor is pretty jarring.

But the best part is Maleficent’s transformation into the dragon. A beautiful bit of dark fantasy animation and gripping drama. “Now shall you deal with me . . . and all the powers of Hell!” And she rises through the clouds to reveal herself as a dragon. Kick ass.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: By far, it’s the scene of Aurora and Philip meeting in the forest and dancing together. Once again, true love is decided at first sight.

Political Agenda: If there’s any political agenda here, it’s about class. Oh, the outrage at marrying a peasant! This is a movie about how rich people are destined to marry other rich people.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: The characters were used in various Mickey’s House of whatever projects.

Verdict: This movie looks amazing. It was a distinct change from the style that had come previously. All sharp edges and stylized lighting. The animators also made brilliant use of the widescreen. At times, it is jaw-dropping. Also chaning: how the characters move. There’s no longer the same kind of heaviness to the movement.

The writers also did a great job of expanding the plot. It’s not just drawn out with extended song and dance numbers. There are twists. There are numerous developed characters. There’s a real sense of danger is Maleficent’s anger and power. In general, the story-telling is much stronger than it had been. For instance, when the fairies find Philip’s hat on the floor and instantly deduce that Maleficent has been there and kidnapped Philip. They’re smart and they make the leap without any exposition.

In a way, Sleeping Beauty is the reverse of Peter Pan. This is a boy’s movie disguised as a girl’s movie. The trick in adapting this story is to figure out how to deal with a protagonist that’s asleep for most of the story. The answer: make the prince the protagonist. As a result, the climax features a sword fight with a motherfucking dragon. Not just some chick biting an apple.

There is a darkness here that had not been in previous fairy tale films. This movie was a massive leap forward on all levels, and it’s a shame that Disney lost so much money on it initially. The best of the fairy tale Disney movies up to this point.



101 DALMATIONS

Film: The first of Disney’s films to have a contemporary setting. Also one of the few to revolve around poor people. The movie and its intricate visual design was made possible with the use of Xerox. It was a huge hit – both commercially and critically. When it was re-released in 1991, I remember it making at least $70 million.

Plot: Doggies! Plus an evil bitch. Doggies win!

Nature of Villain’s Death: No death. She totals her car, but that’s it.

Nature of Songs: Sparse. The jazzy “Cruella De Vil” is the highlights. An ode to stylish villainy.

My Favorite Moment: When the maid realizes that the men who broke into the house stole, not the silverware, but the puppies. She screams into the street. It’s a powerful and emotional moment.

Also, my favorite puppy is Lucky, who has to be dragged away from the television.

The hide and go seek chase through the ghost town is very suspenseful – despite the fact that Cruella willfully ignores 101 Labradors.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The puppies getting milk from a cow’s utter. It’s cringe-inducing in a good way. “The little darlings!”

Political Agenda: Clearly, the movie is for animal rights. That is up front and center. Secondly, it is one of the few Disney movies to not feature the troubles of the rich and famous. In the end, the poor family comes into money, but it’s almost as a way to insure that they can take care of 101 Dalmatians rather than some divine reward for being good and proper or some shit.

Competition at the time: Not much going on that I recognize.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Not only did Disney make a sequel, they also made a live action remake – and a sequel to the remake.

Verdict: Very sixties from the jazzy score to the detailed and cluttered cut and paste look. The animators borrow from Warner Brothers’ playbook and only suggest backgrounds without completely filling them in. There is a refined, more adult humor. And they don’t rely soley on animals doing cutesy shit to gain audience sympathy. The human characters are interesting and well done. Most of the animals have distinct personalities.

There is real suspense in the Dalmations exodus through the snow and menace in De Vil’s character despite her bafoonish antics. Cruella De Vil is one of Disney’s best villains. The hard angles in her cheeks. The gratuitous coat. The black and white hair. The angry rasp in her voice. Disney was firing on all cylanders with this one. This may be one of the very bets of Disney’s animated movies.



THE SWORD IN THE STONE

Film: Disney mines THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING for a few easily recognizable names and events and builds a movie around nothing. The film did decently, but is now often neglected.

Plot: A boy falls in with a creepy old man. The old man stalks the boy. He insists on teaching the boy about love and nature. When the boy decides he wants to do his own thing, the creepy old man blows his top. The boy becomes king through magic and a willful suspension of disbelief by everyone in England.

Nature of Villain’s Death: There is no villain. As there is no conflict.

Nature of Songs: For the first time, an opening song was not sung by a choir, but a single voice and guitar. Immediately, I was grateful for the change. However, the rest of the songs are novelty teaching songs sung by Merlin. The songs are sparse and about as useless and out of place and intolerable as everything else in the movie.

My Favorite Moment: The wizard’s duel – hands down. Merlin and Madame Mim change into various animals in an attempt to one up and ultimately kill each other. It’s a cleverly choreographed bit of fanciful magic and twists. Merlin wins the duel by playing smarter – not stronger.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The many different voices of young Arthur. It really is jarring to hear his voice change so often.

Political Agenda: Once again, Happiness is equated with wealth and power. Merlin spends the bulk of the movie arguing that Arthur needs to pursue his education in order to fulfill his destiny, but in the end, it is fate that picks Arthur out of the crowd. Perhaps the education, which never seems very effective, could help Arthur in the long run, but the movie stops short of any such suggestion. It seems to suggest that those who should rise, will – because fate dictates it.

Competition at the time: Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol, Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear!, Return to Oz, Pinocchio In Outer Space, The Smurfs and the Magic Flute, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and The Man Called Flintstone.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Oddly enough, they’ve left his one alone. Despite the fact that the rest of ONCE AND FUTURE KING is just sitting there – waiting to be adapted. Hopefully better.

Verdict: The movement of the characters is cumbersome in a way that’s not at all natural. The style is changing and I blame Wolfgang Rotherman, the director of all the Disney films through the sixties and seventies. They all feature this strange style of movement. I never really liked it much.

The scene when Arthur reveals to the female squirrel that he’s not a squirrel is an excellent twist on how love had been presented up to this point in Disney films. Love at first sight was often treated as the last word in love in these Disney films. Here, that is beautifully undermined.

Self-moving mops and brooms are a recurring image after Fantasia and Sleeping Beauty.

The problem with The Sword in the Stone is the plotting. There is a lack of impetus or conflict. The movie is nothing more than a parade of failed lessons by Merlin with little to no pay off. Merlin’s departure is too calculated and random to feel natural. It is clearly a device meant to leave Arthur alone for the final act – despite the fact that all Arthur does is pull the sword from the stone. There is no indication that his time with Merlin made this possible. As a result, the ending is rushed and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The deus ex machina seems to deliberately undercut Merlin’s entire argument. With this lack of conflict, coherence, or character, The Sword in the Stone remains easily forgettable and pointless.



THE JUNGLE BOOK

Film: The last film that Walt worked on before his death. Reportedly, he handed the book to the story editors and told them that the first thing he wants them to do is not read the book. It was a huge hit and remains beloved by many.

Plot: Wolves raising a young man cub get bored with the whiny little shit and ask a panther to take him to the edge of the jungle and eat him . . . or something. The panther and the man cub run into a bear, who also wants to eat him. They play nice for a while – pretending they both don’t want to eat the man cub. Then a snake is like “Fuck it. I’m eating him.” It doesn’t work. Then a tiger is like, “Fuck you all. I’m eating him.” Also, some monkeys tries to sexually assault him. In the end, he learns the value of friendship and togetherness, but racing after the hot chick at the edge of the jungle is way more important than that shit.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No death. He just runs off with fire tied to his tail.

Nature of Songs: Jungle jazz. When I was only two or three, I had an audio cassette of Disney tunes. It featured both “The Bare Necessities” and “I Wanna Be Like You.” Both of these songs feature a lot of odd grunting and bizarre slang. A lot of the sounds are meant to evoke some kind of sixties hipsterdom, but really it’s just weird and disconcerting.

My Favorite Moment: I like any scee with Kaa. There is a creepy pedophilic tone to his scenes. The scene between Kaa and Shere Khan is pure genius. I always love a scene between two villains – trying to out-evil each other.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Again, it’s the racial stereotypes. Watching the scenes with the monkees is very uncomfortable.

Also the deus ex machina of lightning creating fire just when Mowgli needs it most. As with the Sword in the Stone before, this scene does not grow out of what happened before. It just happens – effectively negating everything that came before.

Also, the blatant rip off of MARTY by bad Beatles impersonations feels more like a lack of imagination than an in-joke.

Political Agenda: It seems to promote segregation. This came at a time when the civil rights movement was in full effect. Mowgli is clearly not meant for the jungle. For his own good. He has to be with his own kind. This is nature’s way, you see. Any other way will result in violence.

And then, to drive home the point about domesticity, the chick at the end sings about cooking and having a husband and kids. Apparently, that's what civilized people do.

Competition at the time: Yellow Submarine. The Asterix Movies. Yellow Submarine.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They turned it into an animated series a little over twenty years later. Tailspin. But it only takes the characters and transports them to a world set in the 1930s – completely populated by anthropomorphic animals. Weird.

Verdict: Again, it doesn’t build. His character development (which comes out of nowhere) is dictated by is attraction to a random girl. He seems to learn how important his friends are, only to ditch them instantly. The movie coasts entirely on the personalities of the voice actors. It is episodic and every scene is detached from each previous scene. Even the relationship between Baloo and Mowgli is instant and unchanging. All in all, uninvolving and too much of its time.



THE ARISTOCATS

Film: A mash up of elements from 101 Dalmations and Lady and the Tramp. It was a big hit.

Plot: Animals are named in a will. Poor guy gets jealous and, being poor, he is also evil. He kidnaps the animals, but they get away and come back. He tries to kidnap them again and all hell breaks loose.

Nature of Villain’s Death: None.

Nature of Songs: Faux French, mostly. The highlight, of course, is “Everybody Wants to be a Cat.”

My Favorite Moment: Most of the movie is, as one character calls it, “Sissy stuff.” The one scene I like is an odd moment. It involves the villainous butler trying to steal back his hat and umbrella from two dogs. It has been well established by this point in the movie that human beings cannot hear the animals talking. Yet here, he acts as if the animals are people. He even pauses and remains quiet when the two dogs talk amongst themselves. It’s very surreal and out of place. In this moment, as the movie breaks its own rules temporarily, I was fascinated. Otherwise, not at all.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The geese. “Think goose!” It’s a terrible desperate joke. The animation is rock bottom awful (the characters are badly superimposed on the background).

Also in the running, the lead cat’s learning to be less of an independent spirit and stating, “[The children] need . . . sort of . . .a father around.” Gag.

Political Agenda: As with Lady and the Tramp, this movie is about how even the most independent of loners really, really wants to settle down and have a family. And while wealth plays a large part in Lady and the Tramp’s politics, it plays an even bigger part here.

Competition at the time: A Boy Named Charlie Brown, Fritz the Cat.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was planned, but it never came to fruition.

Verdict: The movie is trying too hard to be 101 Dalmations divided by Lady and the Tramp. I’m pretty sick of movies about people living in mansions. Also sick of childish animals being cute. I’m sick of all these movies.

My Favorite Concerts of the Last Ten Years

It was hard to narrow it down to a decent number. I decided that these are the fourteen essentials. I plan to see a show this weekend, so unless it knocks my socks off, this is the final list.

Ark Attack/One Eyed Doll, Dragon*Con, 2009

• Ark Attack: making music with lightning. And One-Eyed Doll with the crazy fully-in-character act complete with the mostly mute “Number Three.”

David Bazan, Grimey’s, 2009

• A small, intimate show. He was very candid with the audience.

Garth Brooks, Roy Acuff Theater, 2001

• This was the first event I had been to after 9/11 that didn’t feature a big American Flag center stage. It was also a welcome change of pace to hear someone talking peacenik. Garth Brooks playing guitar on the left. Anthony Zerbe reading passages from a memoir on the right. The highlights was his playing “Belleau Wood” one of my favorite songs.

The Coup, Bonnaroo, 2008

• Only the main two members were present as the rest of the band was at church. Boots came out and performed the first song a cappella. For the rest of the set, their manager and booking agent came out and played instruments. Boots Riley then did a country version of ShoYoAss”. It was epic.

The Dillinger Escape Plan, Bonnaroo, 2009

• I always try to push my way to the front of the crowd. In this case, I found myself in the middle of a spontaneous mosh pit.

The Flaming Lips, Bonnaroo, 2007

• I walked out of a Flight of the Conchords show and stumbled on this insane sight. Giant puppets moving through the crowd, confetti, lasers, giant glowing balls rolling across the crowd, crowd surfing, a giant video screen. Also, pot.

Ben Folds, Uptown Mix, 2002

• Ben Folds is also in the running for the artist I’ve seen the most. This outdoor concert remains my favorite of his. My future roommate hitched a ride home with us. We managed to get everyone in the car despite the fact that I had six girls in it. I used to have a harem. What happened?

Green Day, Gaylord Theater, 2005

• I very rarely go to stadium shows, but for this one, I had pushed my way so far up, it was like a small space – but with a huge crowd surrounding us. Crowd surfing, mosh pits, audience participation. And non-stop Bush-bashing greeted with wild cheers from the enthusiastic crowd. Something I was very happy to hear at the time. Still am, really.

How I Became the Bomb, USN, 2006

• Not really a concert. A different, more awesome event. But they were performing, and they were incredibly nice to me.

Jeffrey Lewis, Grimey’s, 2008

• There was less than ten people at this one. He and I made eye contact during a song. Afterwards, he mentioned how awkward it is to make eye contact with the audience. It was awkward on my end, too.

Conor Oberst, The Ryman, 2008

• Conor Oberst/Bright Eyes is in the running for the artist I’ve seen in concert the most. Twice at the Ryman, once at Bonnaroo, and once at Grimey’s. But his most recent appearance at the Ryman is my favorite. I had a great seat. He seemed to be in a good mood (and sober), and he joked about how someone had mistaken him for a Christian music fan.

Pearl Jam, Bonnaroo, 2008

• While I was waiting for the show to start, this guy named Benjamin started talking to me. Benjamin was a little off, but he was fun to talk to. While we’re talking, Benjamin shouts to someone he knows making his way through the crowd. This guy was dressed in a full Santa Claus suit. In ninety-something degree weather. The guy in the Santa suit pushes his way past without acknowledging Benjamin. When the guy dressed as Santa in ninety degree weather pretends he doesn’t know you, something is wrong. The show was good, too.

Radiohead, Bonnaroo, 2006

• According to one Radiohead superfan, this show was the longest that Radiohead ever performed. It had been a long day and my back was hurting, but it was worth it.

Jason White, 3^rd and Lindsley, 2001

• Another artist contending for the most seen by myself. This was the first show of his I attended. He added an extra verse to “At the Alibi”.

And the rest that I was seriously considering.

• Abney Park
• The Avett Brothers
• Against Me!
• Beck
• Bright Eyes
• My friend Don
• The Killers
• M.C. Homocide
• Nickel Creek
• Nine Inch Nails
• The Queers
• Sigur Ros
• Spoon
• Tool
• The White Stripes

More Disney Movie-Watching

SALUDOS AMIGOS

Film: Licking its wounds from one expensive feature after another, Disney opted to go a cheaper route for the next few years. Anthology films. In this particular case, Disney was allowed Government money to go to South America and do research for a project. It turned into two projects. This very short feature and The Three Caballeros. It also earned quite a bit a bit of money in South America – an overseas market Disney needed since Europe was engaged in war at the moment.

Plot: A voice over narrates all the boring shit there is to do in South America. Donald Duck and Goofy fall down a lot.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A

Nature of Songs: Indigenous. Samba – inspired.

My Favorite Moment: The punch line to Pedro’s story. An anthropomorphized plane that risks his life to deliver the mail. The mail is important. His job is important. He flies through dangerous conditions and nearly dies. Upon delivering the mail, the voice over takes note of what’s in the bag Pedro is delivering. A postcard – in Spanish – that reads “Wish you were here.” “Well, it could have been important!” quips the Narrator.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Everything else.

Political Agenda: To glorify South America by apparently mocking it.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel of sorts was made just a year later.

Verdict: Crap.

THE THREE CABALLEROS

Film: Disney tried to replicate the success of Saludos Amigos. Instead, we got this critical bomb which Disney himself hated.

Plot: For Donald Duck’s birthday, he gets a lot of cheap shit, which serves as excuses to make up crazy shit about South America and Latin America. And Mexico.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A.

Nature of Songs: Alternating rhythmic and travelogue ballad. Samba dance numbers and “Brazil” itself.

My Favorite Moment: The post-modern narration of the flying Burrito is pretty awesome. The Narrator, an older version of the young man in the short, argues with his younger self – prompting him to do what the Narrator remembers. And the last few lines are a nice twist on one’s expectations of first person narratives in general.

I also dig the Arucuan bird – although it could stand to be a little anarchic or chaotic or destructive or something. Right now it just putters around like some Brechtian force of nature.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The poor integration of animation and live action is sad. Also the dance number in the book/street is desperate in its need to entertain. It makes Brazil appear to be one big street party.

Also, the caricatures of Jose Carioco and Panchito are sadly typical in their sterotypes – sporting pistolas and spurs. They leer at women and hit every cliché imaginable. And it’s hard not to giggle every time they refer to themselves as “gay caballeros.” The Christmas-in-Mexico also makes me groan in its sudden earnestness. You know, this whole movie kinda sucks. This is strictly travelogue level shit.

Political Agenda: To make money by exploiting Latino talent.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They mined footage from it to open DONALD DUCK PRESENTS, a Disney Channel shorts program in the eighties. And apparently, they brought the characters back for HOUSE OF MOUSE – whatever the hell that is.

Verdict: It’s kind of psychedelic. A head film. But lame and dull.

MAKE MINE MUSIC

Film: One of a handful of quasi-sequels to Fantasia. A much shorter anthology film of animated sequences based on music. Unlike Fantasia, most of the music is based on popular songs of the time rather than classical music - the exception being the “Peter and the Wolf” segment.

Plot: Some segments are highly literal – such as the “Casey at Bat” segment, which is Looney Tunes-lite in its exaggerated sports-themed slapstick. Some are frustratingly abstract.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The only villain is the wolf in the “Peter and the Wolf” segment, and he doesn’t die. I have no idea why not.

Nature of Songs: Unrelenting. It oscillates between sappy love ballads and bouncy nursery rhymes.

My Favorite Moment: I really like the wolf from the “Peter and the Wolf” segment. It’s legitimately creepy. And some of the shots are highly evocative – despite being undermined by some repetitive bits of animation and lousy comic relief. However, I think my favorite moment takes place during the jazzy “All the Cats Join in”. As a gaggle of teenagers in bobby socks race through the streets, they slow down just long enough to creep innocently past a police car.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The “Without You” song is so dull and visually stiff that I can’t believe it even made the final cut. It’s as if someone spilled a bunch of watercolors and took photographs of the colors spilling and bleeding together into an ugly mess at random intervals.

Although the “Two Silhouettes” is worse. Pretty much exactly what the title says. The song is generic. The ballet dancing is sad and half-assed – even in silhouette form. The whole segment is amateurish. It’s not just filler, it’s an assault on anyone who gave this movie the benefit of their time.

Political Agenda: To bore everyone to death!

Competition at the time: Decency.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: As far as I can tell, they pretty much left this one alone.

Verdict: Some of the animation is bold and beautiful to look at in this film. But far too much of it feels like a cheap knock-off when compared to Fantasia, and how can you not compare? There are some stand-out segments (my favorite being “All the Cats Join In”), but there is far too much filler. It doesn’t take its time, but I’m thankful that it doesn’t linger any longer than it does.

FUN AND FANCY FREE

Film: The first of two movies Disney did that was basically two short films mashed together. In this case, the rather famous “Mickey and the Beanstalk” and the lesser known “Bongo”.

Plot: Jiminy Cricket breaks into someone’s house, goes through their books, plays with their toys, turns on their radio, then sneaks across the street and peeks in the neighbor’s window – where a decrepit man with two puppets tells stories to a early version of Jonbenet Ramsey. What a fucking creep.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The Giant from the “Mickey and the Beanstalk” section falls from a great height. However, he shows up again at the end of the movie – outside of the story. SO, I guess that nullifies the death.

Nature of Songs: Early on, all the songs revolve around being fun and fancy free in some form. “Fun and Fancy Free,” “Oh, What a Happy Day,” etc. Really, almost all the songs are like that. Even the Giant’s “Fee-Fi_Fo-Fum” song.

My Favorite Moment: There are a few. There’s a nifty moment near the beginning of the “Bongo” story. As Bongo finishes his act in the center ring of the circus, he backs out of the spotlight – waving and bowing and grinning. As soon as he enters the shadows, a shackle is clasped around his neck. Immediately, Bongo slumps down, defeated. A nicely heartbreaking twist.

Jiminy Cricket quips early on, “The end of the world’s been coming since nineteen hundred and three. That’s B.C. of course.”

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Most of the schtick of watching Bongo run “fun and fancy free” in the forest is awful. “Bongo was discouraged,” laments the Narrator. It’s dull and slapstick-tastic. But what’s worse is he becomes infatuated with a girl bear and chases her playfully through the forest. “This must be Heaven!” sings the Narrator. This followed by a montage of heart-shaped crap and pink clouds and every overreaching visual exclamation of love imaginable. He hasn’t actually spoken to this girl bear or anything, but HOLY SHIT! It’s LOVE! What follows is a tale of sexy domestic violence and alpha male posturing to win the heart of the girl while bears line dance. Ugh.

And THEN, we have to sit through Edgar Bergin’s ventriloquist act as they trade groan-inducing barbs. Makes me long for the days when W.C. Fields fed Charlie McCarthy to his alligators.

Political Agenda: The Bongo section is about how important it is to beat the crap out of a total stranger in order to win the heart of a much sexier complete stranger. Blech. The Mickey and the Beanstalk section is about how important magic is to maintain economic stability in the community.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: One could argue that the “Mickey and the Beanstalk” portion opened the door for more half hour Mickey Mouse stories. Almost forty years after this came “Mickey’s Christmas Carol” – which featured the Giant as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Jiminy Cricket as the Ghost of Christmas Past. Less than a decade after that came, “The Prince and the Pauper”. As far as I know, that was it.

Verdict: The “Mickey and the Beanstalk” section is miles better than the “Bongo” section, which is BEARly worth mentioning. Anything with Donald Duck losing his shit is a winner. There’s some decent action and comedy in the “Beanstalk” section (including the shot of Mickey riding the cork out the window). And since the characters are already established, and have actual personalities, it is much easier to care about the “Beanstalk” section. But ultimately, neither section does anything spectacular.

MELODY TIME

Film: Yet another anthology film of musically inspired short animations that tests the patience of the audience.

Plot: Bing Crosby opens a book, sings, rhymes, etc. He says it here; it shows up on the screen there. It goes on like this until Roy Rogers shows up. He then does what Bing Crosby was doing.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No such luck.

Nature of Songs: The songs during the “Johnny Appleseed” segment are infuriating. “The Lord’s Been Good to Me” “There’s a Lot of Work to Do” . It’s worse than fucking church.

My Favorite Moment: I guess the “Bumblebee Boogie” section, which is mercifully short. But I’m stretching to find anything about this movie to recommend.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Johnny Appleseed’s song about how good the Lord has been to him and he owes him so much. This particular religious attitude pisses me off – cause any rewards he achieves is not attained through hard work. IN fact, the absurdly colloquial narrator in “Johnny Appleseed”, and everything else about that section, just irritates me irrationally and makes my teeth ache.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: The “Johnny Appleseed” section was repackaged into Disney’s American Legends film – a collection of Disney shorts about American legends.

Verdict: They repeat a bit where someone is about to go over a waterfall and has to be rescued directly from the “Bongo” section of Fun and Fancy Free. In fact, the entire movie feels like a repeat. A distant, sad echo of the previous few Disney films. There’s even a direct callback short to The Three Caballeros. There’s far too much religious imagery – not just in the “Johnny Appleseed” section, but throughout. At the end of one section, a tree is framed to form a cross against the sky. A waste.

THE ADVENTURES OF ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD

Film: This movie is the second of Disney’s attempts to shove two longer short films together into a single movie. The reasoning behind this particular pairing is apparently based on the fact that both stories feature interesting literary personalities. This movie is a bit of a dry-run before jumping into feature-length story-telling once again with Disney’s next feature.

Plot: Books fly off a bookshelf – inspiring Basil Rathbone and Bing Crosby to narrate stories. The first, “The Wind in the Willows”, follows Thaddeus Toad as he goes from craze to craze – being irresponsible, breaking out of prison, etc.

In the second, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, some skinny dude moves to town, uses the women to get food, then dumps them all for a local vixen who plays with men’s emotions. As he woos the girl, a sexy butch guy also vies for her affection. The men torture each other while the vixen encourages it. Then one night, the sexy butch guy vaguely threatens the skinny dude with a ghost story. That night, one jerk loses to the hands of another jerk.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The villain rides away. He gets married and lives happily ever after. It’s the hero that may or may not be dead.

Nature of Songs: I am so fucking sick of the Andrews Sisters harmonizing. Anyway, the songs in the first section are generally about being lackadaisical and impetuous and whatnot (“Nowhere in Particular”). The songs in the second section are more traditional – save for Bing Crosby’s “The Headless Horseman,” an upbeat song of death and ghostly revenge.

My Favorite Moment: The extended chase sequence between Ichabod and the Headless Horseman, one of Disney’s scariest villains. That shot of the Headless Horseman, rearing back on his horse. A sword in one hand, a flaming jack-o-lantern in the other. That shot is rivaled only by the shot of the flaming pumpkin flying at the screen. An honestly creepy segment that I love to revisit every Halloween.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Mostly it’s the lame music. 40’s pop is not something I love.

Political Agenda: Strangely, it is easy to interpret the agenda as might makes right. As Brom Bones seems to succeed in bullying Ichabod into leaving town.

A surprisingly dark ending for a Disney film.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Most of the characters from “Wind in the Willows” were mined for “Mickey’s Christmas Carol”. And the weasels were later used in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Verdict: To be honest, Ichabod isn’t exactly a likeable character to begin with. He is only nice to others in order to get food from them. He steals. And he’s the kind of asshole that everything seems to come easily for. I always liked Brom Bones much, much more. Despite the fact that he’s clearly a bully who’s strategy to win the girl is to humiliate the other suitor. But he lays his cards on the table. Ichabod, on the other hand, plays innocent despite actions to the contrary. So it’s ballsy on Disney’s part to follow the story of two jerks fighting, and subverting the ending so that the apparently bigger jerk wins. Of course, none of the characters are likeable. Even the girl plays the boys ruthlessly – pitting them against each other. Audiences will most likely side with Ichabod since he’s the title character, since we spend more time with him than we do Brom Bones. But Bones is clearly the sexier, younger character. Anyone would be hard pressed to come up with why Ichabod should in the girl over any other character. Generally, all Disney heroes (Donald Duck being the obvious exception) are of such unquestionable goodness and righteousness, they should be dipped in bronze from the word go. Not here. Even the “Wind in the Willows” section portrays Toad as someone who is flawed, impulsive and has more than he deserves. But it is “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” that resonates the better. This section reduces the wooing of a girl to its most animalistic, basest actions. And for once, I like it.

CINDERELLA

Film: Disney’s return. After almost a decade of short anthology packages, Disney finally returned to feature length story-telling. Putting everything on the line once again, and it was a hit. The animation is not as involved or complex as Disney’s earlier features, but it looks spectacular.

Plot: Girl hates her family, but loves rodents. She hopes a man will come and take her away. She gets gussied up despite sibling rivalry. Thanks to magical intervention, she climbs around in fruit and dances with a dude who is the ultimate take-me-away-from-all-this-type. People try on shoes and ride away in a carriage.

Nature of Villain’s Death: She doesn’t die. The smirk gets wiped off her face, but that’s about it.

Nature of Songs: “So This is Love” “A Dream is a Wish You’re Heart Makes” “Bippity-Boppity-Boo.” Cutesy, sappy nonsense that I am absolutely sick of. There’s also a song called “The Work Song” about how fun it is to work. Who the fuck was writing this crap?

My Favorite Moment: The Evil Stepmother, in general, is pretty awesome. Her sneering from the shadows. Petting her pussy. “Hold your tongue!” She snaps wickedly The most obvious joke comes as she corrects her daughters on a point of grace, “Above all, self-control.” As someone knocks on the door, she slams her hands on the keys of a piano and snaps “YES?”. It’s a moment that works despite its obviousness..

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The opening song. I’m really really hating this mellow, Andrews Sisters-inspired harmonizing shit. Also, I hate the mice. Their cutesy voices. I want to stomp them!

I also cringe when Cinderella, rushing to meet her destined curfew, tells the nice young man that she has to leave because she hasn’t met the prince yet. Clearly, it’s a calculated moment meant to a) remind the audience that she doesn’t know she just spent the evening dancing with the Prince and b) illustrate how unselfish Cinderella is. She just wanted to dance with someone. Anyone. And for that, she is magically rewarded with wealth, a promising sex life, and escape from a life that the audience knows is wrong for Cinderella, even is she herself has come to accept it. How disgusting. Perhaps we should build a giant sculpture to celebrate her modesty. Would that be enough to satisfy the moral overlords? Keep your dreams reasonable and pure and you’ll be rewarded ten-fold.

Political Agenda: It’s best for women to be suffering ad quiet and meek. That way a dude will magically show up and take her away after only a single dance. No conversation needed!

Filler: The extended mice vs. cat scenes are Warner Bros-lite. And Lucifer is no Sylvester.

Competition at the time: Zilch.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was produced in 2002, and another in 2007.

Verdict: So far, both Disney heroines have attracted all types of vermin to them. What exactly is Dinsey saying about dames? Cinderella has considerably more personality than Snow White. She chastises the cat playfully and reacts with real affection and frustration toward her step-family. However, the step-sisters are so broadly drawn – even for a cartoon. The Prince, on the other hand, has no personality whatsoever. There is nothing shared between him and Cinderalla other than the dance. No wooing at all. So far, all love in Disney movies have been a matter of love-at-first-sight. Love is never unrequited. And love lasts forever. I honestly believe it’s a dangerous message to be reinforcing.

The conflict between the cat and the mice is frustrating. Why couldn’t they have infused the main characters with that much personality? Although the climactic scene in which the animals race to Cinderella’s rescue was well done. Disney would of course come back to this again and again.

But really, what is Disney saying about class? Cinderella is a girl who came from the upper crust, was reduced to being a servant, and then married back into the upper crust while the step-siblings are depicted as filth who are never worthy of the inheritance they chanced into. Apparently, if you’re born rich, you’re privy to your very own fairy godmother who comes in and helps you out whenever it’s fucking convenient for her. This movie reinforces the status quo through and through. It’s not just enough that only certain people have the right to see their dreams come true. But only certain people have the right to dream at all.

Ultimately, it is so fucking girly. I can’t take it. The look. The story. The stakes. It’s all girly shit. And I can’t imagine that many girls (or poor people) would put up with it. The story doesn’t warrant a movie that lasts more than twenty minutes. Disney padded it ruthlessly anyway. Unfortunately, rather than padding it with anything that fleshes out its human characters (you know, the characters that audience is asked to care about), it spends an inordinate amount of time with the comic relief – which is neither comical, nor relieving.