War of the Worlds

War of the Worlds

A sci-fi series that aired in syndication in 1988 and 1989.

The Set-Up: A group of terrorists unwittingly unleash hibernating aliens from an army compound. The aliens take over human bodies and run them ragged while causing destruction. After one unfortunate run in with the military, a super cool research scientist named Blackwood (“If I don’t sleep one hour out of every five, I’m useless.”) and his cracked out team of scientists are given the go ahead by the military to stop these aliens. His team includes an uptight, but hot microbiologist (McCullough), a “wise-cracking” sometimes Jamaican wheelchair-bound computer expert (Drake), and a doubting, crusty-but-benign, Native American Lieutenant Colonel (Ironhorse).

Why was it canceled? Well . . . it wasn’t. It was renewed for a second season.

How Does That Qualify as a One Season Wonder, Douche Bag? Because it’s a one season wonder in spirit. Here’s the deal, after the first season, Paramount decided to hand the show over to a new team of writers, despite the fact that War of the Worlds was their highest rated syndicated program at the time. The writers for Friday the 13th: The Series took over. Apparently, these writers had never seen an episode of War of the Worlds because there were massive changes made in the second season.

The setting was shifted from present day to a mid-apocalyptic world. Half the cast was killed off in the first episode. And a new race of aliens was brought in. They killed off the old race and became the new bad guys. And the title was changed to War of the Worlds: The Second Invasion.

If you are ever able to find a fan of War of the Worlds, they will inevitably tell you that the first season is the only true season and that the second season sucks. I can’t speak for the second season – it’s not available on DVD. But I do own the first season, and so, in the spirit of a one season wonder, I am going to count it.

Typical episode: Over-ripe, dramatic dialogue plays over a black screen. The Alien Advocacy discusses what has been going on and what now needs to be done. (“We need more brains! Living brains!”) Some aliens take over some bodies. They skulk around killing people and being insidious. The cracked out team is called in. They stand around a computer arguing data. The Advocacy stands around in their cave hideaway and continues to discuss the various obstacles facing them. Somebody melts. Gross. There is some playful banter. Blackwood does something new age-y. Ironhorse says something conservative. There are some questionable computer graphics. The dialogue from the beginning is spoken. Blackwood defeats the aliens by electrocuting them or blowing them up. Or the aliens escape. Any evidence left behind self-destructs. Little progress is made by either side. Freeze frame.

The style: Grade Z, self-conscious, pulpy X-Files-lite.

Typical Dialogue: “I want to know what happened in there and I want to know yesterday! Lieutenant! A US army installation has been compromised. Our superiors expect credible explanations, not excuses! I want whys and wherefores by 1800 hours, Mister!”

More Dialogue: “It means more than beans and queens.”

Typical Newscast: “One prisoner, and I quote, exploded during practice.”

Typical Exchange: “Thank goodness it’s over.”
“Is it? [Pause] Is it really?”

Typical Joke: “Can you enhance this digitally?”
“Does a computer download in the woods?”

It Doesn’t End: “Can someone please call me an ambulance!”
“You’re an ambulance.”

Listen to this Shit: “I’d like to disarm the bomb.”
“And I’d like to be President of the United States. Forget it!”

Typical Alien Propaganda: “To life immortal.”

My Favorite Evil Alien Dialogue: “Watching TV has paid off again.”
“But it takes its toll. Softens the brain.”

Best Dismemberment: An alien hybrid rips a nurse’s leg off – mid-shin. It is awesome. And bloody. Ew.

Best Dismemberment Runner Up: A death ray burns a beam through some dude’s head. What’s impressive is the shot of the evil aliens through the hole in the back of the guy’s head. Not technically a dismemberment, but awesome nonetheless.

Best Dismemberment Honorable Mention: A group of drugged humans turn on their alien captors, rip them apart and eat them. Mmmmmmm. Creamy alien guts.

My favorite episodes:
First, a quandary: If something is intended to be enjoyed ironically, is it still ironic?

1.3 “Thy Kingdom Come” Ann Robinson reprises her role from the original 1953 movie. Only now her character is crazy. In order to express craziness, the writers decided she should talk almost exclusively in rhymes. “The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plains. But this isn’t Spain . . . “ The scene where the aliens take over the family in the station wagon: fucking hilarious. “Where’s Grandma?” “I’m here. To life immortal!” And then nuns! Useless nuns! *
1.6 “The Second Seal” Blackwood, clumsily described as a vegetarian and pacifist, touches some cube and suddenly he is pushing around women and ordering pepperoni pizza! You see, this cube is like a drug. It’s fun to touch it, but it makes you act different. “I think it’s boring with a capital “B” that you have to be such a grind!” Don’t do drugs kids! At this point, the goofy z-movie style has grown on me.
1.15 “He Feedeth Among the Lilies” Finally, alien probes. The one-off romance is so goofy, it’s palatable. And the most abrupt ending ever. Seriously. What a bizarre way to end an episode. It certainly is hard to forget. Thumbs up for juggling so many jarring tones so clumsily. Why the fuck not?
1.17 “Unto Us a Child is Born” This episode typifies what frustrates me about this show. I was loving it for a while. This episode is perhaps the most gruesome. An alien takes over a pregnant woman’s body. She gives birth to an alien hybrid. The hybrid is totally gross and absurd and fun and looks like the baby from Dead Alive. But when the hybrid is killed, the original baby crawls out of the mess left behind. I said to myself, I bet there’s not a trace of alien left. Cut to the hot microbiologist actually saying, “Not a trace if alien tissue.” The show becomes incredibly predictable. There’s one more twist that I totally saw coming. The show never really surprises me, but it can be fun.

*According to Wikipedia, Little Bobby and his alien family were originally going to be a running gag, complete with an advertising campaign called Save Bobby. Sadly, Paramount nixed this idea. Too bad. This was the most awesome moment in the whole series.

My Least favorite:

1.1 “The Resurrection” It took me three tries before I finally got through this episode. Ugh. It is awful, awful, awful. I believe the writers realized how goofy and lame the show was and completely embraced it for all the episodes that follow. I have this same theory for the Evil Dead movies.
1.10 “Epiphany” This episode has a random romance-of-the-week vibe. And is anyone really in suspense as they’re disarming the bomb? The cold war paranoia is too on the nose. This episode is just dull and obvious.

How many episodes were produced? 23.

Was there much continuity? Almost none. No progress made by either side is ever carried into following episodes.

Blackwood is depicted as calm and cool and relaxed in the first episode, but he’s a bit of an uptight professional after that – even if he does do weird new age crap to track aliens. Drake’s cringe-inducing Jamaican accent disappears just two or three episodes in.

The time frame is inconsistent. In one episode, Blackwood says the aliens were released fourteen months ago. A few episodes later, he claims it has been almost a year.

Was there closure? I did not see the second season, but apparently almost nothing carried over.

Any unattended issues: The final moments of the first season make for a great dark joke. One of the best moments on the show. It suggests some tricky plotting was to come. Of course, this was never brought up again after someone else took over the show.

And then there’s this strange discrepancy regarding the original 1953 movie. While that film is used as the basis for the series, almost no one remembers the invasion. Apparently there was a reconnaissance mission in 1938, but the government capably covered that up by hiring Orson Welles to do his War of the Worlds radio broadcast. (Yes, this is actually explained in the series). But what about the 1953 movie? It’s especially weird since one character is taken directly from that movie.

The verdict:
When I was ten or so, I would hold vast wars with all my action figures. These wars would spread across the house and take weeks to play out. They were usually ended by my mom’s cleaning the house and putting all the action figures in a drawer. Damn you and your infernal cleaning, woman! By the way, Happy Mother’s Day. Anyway, the dialogue spoken by the action figures was generally a mix of dialogue taken directly from other shows and ordinary clichés. Circular dialogue that really had no meaning. That’s the level of dialogue on this show.

In other words, the show is not very good. The acting is desperate and awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! Awful! The dialogue is devoid of personality, over played and full of pregnant pauses. The show is rife with a cheap synthesized score and low rent special effects. Scenes are punctuated with awkward zooms. The formula of the show never breaks out of this perpetual stalemate. The alien-cam effect is shit. And the image is terrible. It looks like a worn out videotape.

Still, there are moments when the shittiness of the show pays off. The humor is sophomoric, but occasionally funny. And the effects are radically gruesome. I mean really nasty-looking. Compared to a lot of TV shows, the computer programs looked half way credible (in that I don’t know what I’m looking at when I see the computer screen). And it is so refreshing that one particular cliché is absent: the government never tries to shut the operation down.

Really your enjoyment of the show depends one how you accept the last episode. If you can appreciate a killer robot in spandex who slowly jazzercises as she speaks with an echo effect, giving the most childish exposition possible and occasionally shooting bad special effects out of her hands, you will like the series. Seriously, I can only imagine the direction this actress was given.

I myself, thought this show was crap. I had never managed to watch the first episode before now, so this was the first time I had watched the show. Absolutely, a poor purchase.