Belleau Wood

"For just one fleeting moment, the answer seemed so clear. Heaven's not beyond the clouds. It's just beyond the fear. No, Heaven's not beyond the clouds; it's for us to find it here."

                                                Garth Brooks, Belleau Wood

Holiday Delousing

Every year, I make my non-traditional, somewhat depressing, anti-Christmas album. 

This is it this year:

1. Macy's Day Parade by Green Day

• The disillusionment of the holiday, a reference to Christmas as the Night of the Living Dead.

2. Christmas with Jesus by Josh Rouse

• As I understand it, this song is about a husband who cannot relate to his wife's religion, and Christmas becomes a symbol of that.

3. Riu Chiu by the Monkees

• An old Spanish carol. I have no idea what it means.

4. Yule Shoot Your Eye Out by Fall Out Boy

• An unusually angry sentiment for a Christmas song. 

5. The Night Santa Went Crazy by Weird Al Yankovic

• Less goofy than a lot of his songs, this one is extremely violent. I think the chorus should be replaced with the chorus of Santa Claus is Coming to Town.  Anti-Santa.

6. Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa by De La Soul

• A very depressing song about girl abused by her father. Bad things happen at Christmas, too, folks. Disillusionment. Anti-Santa.

7. If We Make it Through December by Merle Haggard

• I like this song because there's no Christmas miracles. 

8. California Dreamin' by the Mamas and the Papas

• This song continues the theme of #7. I also appreciate the verse about going to church for warmth and nothing else. Loneliness of the holiday.

9. Winter Wonderland by Phantom Planet

• This song is a control song of sorts. Other than snow, there is nothing about this song to suggest it is about Christmas, yet it's a Christmas classic. So why can't California Dreamin' be a Christmas classic? 

10. Fuck Christmas by Fear

• This song speaks for itself. 

11. I Won't Be Home for Christmas by Blink 182

• Not a blink fan, but I like the line "You people scare me." 

12. Lonely Christmas Eve by Ben Folds

• It characterizes Christmas as a weapon. Loneliness of the holiday. 

13. Back 2 Good by matchbox twenty

• A song about loneliness that has always reminded me of Christmas. Not the intention of the song, but hopefully, in the context of the mix, its inclusion makes sense.  Loneliness of the holiday.

14. Christmas Sucks by Tom Waits and Peter Murphy

• Self-explanatory. My favorite line, "The stripper in my bed is ugly and fat." Loneliness of the holiday.

15. Santa Can't Stay by Dwight Yoakam

• A song about domestic violence. It's all upbeat and bellsy, but the subject matter is depressing as hell. Anti-Santa.

16. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus by Stand Still

• A subversive take on an irritating classic. Anti-Santa.

17. Fairytale of New York by the Pogues

• A song about the disenfranchised on Christmas. 

18. Bizarre Christmas Incident by Ben Folds

• A song about the death of Santa. There are cussy words in this one. Anti-Santa. 

19.  It Doesn't Have to Be This Way by Jim Croce

• Another loneliness classic. Heightened by the holiday.

20. I Heard the Bells on CHristmas Day by David Bazan

• I do like the peace on Earth sentiments of Christmas, even if no one believes it. Peace on Earth.

21. Shouldn't Have Given Him  A Gun for Christmas by Wall of Voodoo

• A song about Christmas violence. A very catchy.

22. Belleau Wood by Garth Brooks

• The most sentimental song on here. About soldiers in World War I temporarily suspending the fight. And even though I know this wasn't the intention, I love the atheist sentiment at the end. Peace on Earth.

23. Christmas Night of Zombies by Mxpx

• It's zombies, dude. A follow-up to #1.

24. St. Stephen's Day Murders by Elvis Costello

• A song about killing your family on the day after Christmas.

25. A Long December by the Counting Crows.

• The loneliness of the holiday. 

26. Forget December by Something Corporate

• Disillusionment of the holiday. 

27. Silent Night / Seven O'Clock News by Simon and Garfunkel

• And excellent way to subvert a classic and end the mix. 
  

A Warning to All About the Upcoming Season

Christmas: The time of year when massive cults roam the Earth recruiting others into their army of oppression thru colorful decorations, sappy music, sentimental appeals to the soul, and the following propaganda:

The Bishop’s Wife
An Angel wanders down from heaven and teaches someone a lesson about love and Christmas.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Angels, Christmas Miracles, i.e. The Happy Supernatural
What it Teaches us: Atheism equals bad. Don’t be atheist.


A Christmas Carol (1951)
Spirits invade a man’s bedroom in the middle of the night and teach him a lesson about respecting others.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Crippled Children, Scrooge Himself, The Happy Supernatural.
What it teaches us: “Bah Humbug” gets you a one way ticket to Hell! God bless us, every one.


A Christmas Story
Even a dysfunctional family comes together on Christmas and finds love.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Christmas Trees, Children, Presents, etc.
What it teaches us: Guns make kids happy.


Home Alone
A kid left alone for the holidays befriends a creepy old man and shit.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Family, Church, Christmas Miracles
What it teaches us: People will go to see the stupidest movies.


It’s a Wonderful Life
A man spends his life saving people, hugging people, dancing with people, marrying his high school sweetheart, but then is miraculously talked out of committing suicide by an angel.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, angels, Christmas Miracles, Christmas Trees
What it teaches us: If the copyright on your movie expires, everyone will say it’s a classic.


Love, Actually
Lots of people scramble about during the holidays finding love and shit.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Christmas songs up the ass, marriages, hugs, divine intervention from Rowan Atkinson's jewlery salesman/angel to unite two young lovers (approximately eight years of age) in a relationship that will undoubtabley survive even the most Christmas-less of times.
What it teaches us: According the most cynical character in the movie: Christmas is a time for being with the ones we love. Thank you, Richard Curtis. Thank you.


Meet Me in St. Louis
The original lyrics for “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”

Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York.
No good times like the olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more.
But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows.
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.

Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Christmas Songs, Christmas Miracles.
What it teaches us: New York apparently sucks.


Miracle on 34th Street
A young atheist girl is touched by an old man and learns that there is a Santa Claus.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Christmas Miracles.
What it teaches us: Atheism equals bad. Don’t teach your children skepticism. Teach them about the love of Santa Claus.

The Nightmare Before Christmas
A skelaton kidnaps Santa Claus and turns Christmas into Halloween.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Presents, Kids.
What it teaches us: Even Halloween must bow to the power that is Christmas!

The Polar Express
A little boy is abducted by Tom Hanks and forced to sit on another man’s lap.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Reindeer, Children, a song about Hot Chocolate
What it teaches us: Santa Claus is real. Totally. Would we lie to you?



The Preacher’s Wife
It’s the Bishop’s Wife, but with black people.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Angels, Christmas Miracles, the Happy Supernatural.
What it teaches us: Black people celebrate Christmas, too.


Santa Claus: The Movie
A dude becomes Santa Claus and . . . I can’t remember. Dudley Moore is in it.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, fake-looking Reindeer, homeless children, presents.
What it teaches us: Believing in Santa Claus equals the embodiment of the Christmas Spirit.



Also beware of the following “Special Presentations”:


The Bells of Fraggle Rock
Some bell must be rung and if it isn’t, everyone will freeze to death. Merry Christmas.


The Brave One
Mary goes to Bethlehem on a special ass.


A Charlie Brown Christmas
Linus quotes the Bible and miraculously enables others to grow leaves on dead trees.


A Chipmunk Christmas
Alvin cons a harmonica from Mrs. Claus and uses it to cure a kid of cancer or some other terminal illness.


Frosty the Snowman
A magical hat makes snow do creepy shit.


How the Grinch Stole Christmas
If twenty minutes of cutesy rhyming isn't enough, rent the full length version directed by Ron Howard.


John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together
As if Christmas songs weren’t shitty enough. Now Muppets are singing them.


That McDonald’s Commercial
The kids are ice-skating but the one kid falls down and Ronald McDonald shows him attention. Buy some shitty burgers, kids! Merry Christmas!



Mickey’s Christmas Carol
It’s A Christmas Carol, but worse.


Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Being different is fine as long as you have the Christmas Spirit and are eager to please.


The Smurfs Christmas Special
Satan can be defeated with happy music.


A Star Wars Holiday Special
Life Day. Learn it. Live it. Love it.


Yogi’s First Christmas
Two hours of anthropomorphic animals singing Christmas songs!



Awesome-sounding movies I have not yet seen:

Christmas Evil
Night of the Comet
Santa Claus (1959) [In this film, Santa joins forces with Merlin to defeat Gay Satan.]
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Silent Night, Deadly Night




Recommended Christmas Movies:

The Apartment
Christmas Icons Present: Loneliness, booze, attempted suicide.


Bad Santa
Christmas Icons Present: Booze, little people, blood soaked plush toys.

Better Off Dead
Christmas Icons Present: Attempted suicide, snow, presents.


Black Christmas
Christmas Icons Present: Escaped lunatics, bloodshed.


Die Hard
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, terrorists, machine guns.


Eyes Wide Shut
Christmas Icons Present: Secret organizations, naked CGI people, christmas trees.


Go
Christmas Icons Present: Ecstasy, Gay People, Strippers, Guns.


Gremlins
Christmas Icons Present: Chaos, a story about how some chick’s dad died.


The Ice Harvest
The best Christmas Present? Getting the fuck out of town.


Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Christmas Icons Present: Guns, gay people, sex.


Ordinary People
Christmas Icons Present: Malls, psychiatrists.

The Ref
Christmas Icons Present: Dysfunction, guns, decapitated dolls.


The Shining
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, an axe.


Stalag 17
Christmas Icons Present: Nazis, fierce beatings, an “Is that gay” Christmas Morning.




Very Special Christmas Episodes:

All in the Family (Edith’s Crisis of Faith)
Edith’s transvestite friend gets beaten to death and Edith finds Christmas silly.


Six Feet Under (Pilot)
The head of the family gets killed by a bus and Nate’s mom guilts him into staying at home until he dies.


Tales of the Crypt (And All Through the House)
An escaped lunatic teaches a family about the joys of Christmas – No, I mean he teaches them how to die. My bad.


Whoops! (Say It Ain’t So Santa)
Santa reveals that when the bombs went off, he accidentally locked Mrs. Claus and the Elves outside the bomb shelter because he is so unfamiliar with how to work a doorknob. Thusly they all died. Ho, ho, ho.



Resist the propaganda.

Rejected

"It lives in my head and sings of criminal behavior."

-Don Hertzfeldt

The Book of Daniel

• 
  

The Book of Daniel

A family comedy/drama that aired on NBC in 2006.

The Set-Up: Via lots and lots of exposition, we learn that Daniel (Aidan Quinn) is an Episcopalian priest with a dope-peddling daughter, gay republican son, adopted Chinese son, and a Vicodin addiction. His wife is an alcoholic. His African-American maid is crusty but benign. And his father is an old school, conservative bishop. One day he discovers that the church fund has been drained by his brother-in-law, whose wife turns out to be bisexual. D’oh! Quinn goes to a Catholic priest/mafia godfather to track him down. Quinn gets advice from hippie Jesus who appears only to him. Religious/gay wackiness ensues.

Typical episode: Quinn pops some Vicodin. Someone holds hands. Quinn’s wife fixes herself a drink. Jesus appears and says something sardonic or hokey. Something wacky and edgy happens – involving one or all of Quinn’s children. Don’t forget, Peter is gay. Someone remembers the past as a piano tinkles. Characters share a laugh. Ellen Burstyn rips Quinn a new one in a loving way. Someone says something ignorant and bigoted. There is a family chat and everyone tells everyone else that they are loved. A piano tinkles again. There’s a soapy twist.

The style: Six Feet Under diluted by Desperate Housewives.

Typical Dialogue: “Now, do we know any more about the stolen church funds? I mean, has anybody even questioned your sister-in-law about her embezzling husband and the extramarital affair he had with the woman who might possibly have murdered him?”

More Dialogue: “ Dan, it is impossible. You will never lose me. Maybe to a flower shop.” [Laugh, kiss, hug.]

More Dialogue: “Don’t live in the past. Learn from the past. Live in the present with God. He’ll get you back on track.”

Typical Jesus Dialogue: “I’m not a fortune teller.”

Favorite Episodes:

All the episodes kind of run together. No episode feels any different from any other episode. None focuses on one character more than any other. None advances the plot more than any other (other than the pilot). And none subverts any of the conventions of this particular genre in any way. 1.7 “God’s Will” is the only episode that sticks out, and due to its over-reliance on montages set to a sappy, maudlin version of “Time After Time” (among other crimes), I can’t really recommend it.

Least Favorite:

1.1 “Temptation” This show sucks. Exhibit A.
All the rest of the episodes.

How many episodes were produced? 8. Only one aired in Nashville.

Is there much continuity? It’s very soapy. But certain traits are dropped when the writers seem to forget about them.

Why was it canceled? Christian groups were offended by the idea of TV Christians being fallible or TV show creators being gay. They should have been grateful somebody in prime time was going to church at all! At any rate, they nipped that in the bud.

Was there closure? A few things are dealt with. Peter finally comes out to his grandfather – ending eight episodes of wacky misunderstandings. And Peter gets back together with his Jewish ex. But Quinn’s supposedly dead brother-in-law is still alive and we don’t know how he faked his death or who else is involved in the money-laundering silliness he left in his wake.

Any unattended issues: In the final scene of the last episode, there are a few desperate grabs at drama. Quinn learns that his brother is in bed with the mafia, and Quinn’s adopted Chinese son has gotten a white girl pregnant. And then you was canceled, bitches! Break out the martini classes!

The verdict: Let me describe a scene for you. In the episode “God’s Will,” a mafia contractor has arranged for Quinn to come face-to-face with the redneck who gay-bashed his son within an inch of his life. As Quinn grabs the redneck and yells at him, a mug reading “World’s Greatest Dad” falls off his desk in slow motion and shatters on the floor. Quinn then weeps in the corner, blood on his knuckles, and the previously mentioned version of “Time After Time” plays (for the fifth time this episode!) over another montage of his family hugging because Peter (the gay son) has come out of his coma. That is the show in a nutshell.

This show is awful! Aidan Quinn steals Mel Gibson’s wide-eyed muttering act. There is little actual drama – no matter how much everyone overreacts. Absolutely nothing here feels real or honest. Nothing! Everyone is a clichéd caricature.

A Christian group called Focus on the Family described the show as being full of “behaviors almost universally agreed upon as unhealthy to society.” These behaviors include drawing comics, using a condom, having a monogamous relationship with someone of the same sex, talking to Jesus, using pain relievers, building schools, grieving for a child who was lost to cancer, having feelings for someone other than your Alzheimer-stricken spouse, getting into politics with a uterus, smoking pot to relieve diabetic pain, and drinking martinis in the afternoon. Yikes. No one on this show even struggles with their faith. No one. They are all fucking Christians. And I suppose they are all going to heaven. Somebody give them a goddamn medal!

The cast is seasoned enough (Ellen Burstyn for Christ’s sake!). But the delivery! The direction was too pedestrian. There were too many elements designed to “push the envelope” without providing any resonance. The tinkling piano never lets up. It’s as subtle as a shit monster. And every episode boils down to a chat on family values in a modern world at least ten years behind the time.

I really just bought it because I can’t fucking stand Christians and their telling me what I can and can’t watch. Fuck you, Christians!

My Brother's DVD Collection

My Brother now has his DVD collection at my parents house. It is enormous by comparison.


Casino Royale
Diamonds Are Forever
Die Another Day
Dr. No
For Your Eyes Only
From Russia with Love
GoldenEye
Goldfinger
Licence to Kill
Live and Let Die
The Living Daylights
The Man with the Golden Gun
Monk (Season 1)
Monk (Season 2)
Monk (Season 3)
Monk (Season 4)
Moonraker
Never Say Never Again
Octopussy
On Her Majesty's Secret Service (His least favorite)
Reba: Season One
The Spy Who Loved Me
Thunderball
Tomorrow Never Dies
A View to a Kill
The World Is Not Enough
You Only Live Twice

and M*A*S*H (Season 1)

Nowhere Man

Nowhere Man

A sci-fi series that aired on UPN in 1995 -1996.

The Set-Up: Photojournalist Thomas Veil, played by Bruce Greenwood, goes out to dinner with his wife. He heads to the bathroom for a smoke and when he gets back to his table, she’s gone. His credit cards don’t work. The locks have changed. Not even his dog recognizes him. And when Veil does catch up with his wife, she is shooting him one damn cold stare. He soon figures out that “they” have erased him because of a picture he took. Veil escapes, but has nowhere to go and no one to trust. He must now follow various clues while trying to elude “them” in an attempt to get back his life and making all his nowhere plans for nobody.

Typical episode: Greenwood is desperately following some lead while keeping a low profile. He stumbles onto a mystery with esoteric sci-fi implications. He meets someone. They seem really nice until they offer to help Veil by taking a gander at the negative of a photograph he took called “Hidden Agenda.” There is a blatant romance-of-the-week strategy to this show. He witnesses something freaky. He discovers “they” are involved. He leaves behind his ally/betrayer to an unsure fate and moseys on down the road. He knows not where he’s going to.

A la X-Files, there are two kinds of episodes. The more anthology/existential ennui episodes, and the episodes that seem to push the mystery forward. However, you rarely know which kind it is until the end of the episode.

The style: The Prisoner divided by The Fugitive times The Incredible Hulk.

Typical Dialogue: “You’re supposed to see the tricks, not the mirrors . . . Everything they give you, they can take back. Everything you thought you had, you don’t. Absolute zero. Bottom line., Gentle Jack”

More Dialogue: “It’s not science fiction, and you wouldn’t be talking to me right now if you thought it was.”

Typical Lame Narration: “As I learned, there was more – or maybe less –to this haven than met the eye.”

Most atypical exchange: “I’m a photojournalist.”
“Oh, cool . . . Have you ever taken Julia Roberts’ picture?”
“No, no. I’ve never met Julia Roberts.”
“Oh, yeah. Me, neither . . . but it would be great, though, don’t you think?”

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “Absolute Zero” A highly compelling beginning to the series. Director Tobe Hooper brings a mysterious and even funny creepiness to the proceedings. Paranoia unleashed. A bit overstuffed, but it certainly gets the point across. It’s all downhill from here.
  
• 1.8 “The Alpha Spike” This episode is the best example of what series creator Lawrence Hertzog was going for. It does nothing to further the overall mystery. It is simply an excuse for Greenwood to uncover some Organization-sponsored sci-fi shenanigans. A brilliantly satirical (and frightening) musical number. This episode makes a correlation between high school education and brainwashing. My favorite episode of the series by a mile.
  
• 1.9 “You Really Got a Hold on Me” Thanks to a great performance by Dean Stockwell, this episode is fairly emotionally stirring. Stockwell plays a man who has been in Greenwood’s shoes for thirty years. And it has taken a hell of a toll. A fucked-up way to do the right thing.
  
• 1.13 “Contact” This paranoid episode introduces a few key aspects -- including an unseen ally to Veil from inside the wide reaching Organization. One of the few episodes that really furthers the plot and contributes to the series as a whole.
  
• 1.22 “Calloway” A very disconcerting episode. The stakes are raised. Not only does this episode move the mystery forward, it gives the whole thing an urgency that wasn’t there before.
  

Least Favorite:

• 1.7 “A Rough Whimper of Insanity” They make a huge deal out of rudimentary Internet functions. By 1995, it wasn’t that mysterious. And the virtual realty schtick? Awful! And the main guest actor is fucking terrible. This whole episode gives me a tumor. The title of the episode is an anagram for information superhighway. This episode is really, really bad.
  
• 1.11 “An Enemy Within” Greenwood is injured in a tiny town with no phones or hospitals or electricity and must be nursed back to health by sexy single Maria Bello. An evil corporation is taking over the town and wants to take Bello’s farm. While he’s hanging around anyway, Greenwood inspires the town people pull together to fight the corporation. Bello becomes twitterpated. They flirt and kiss and have sex. Wasn’t your wife one of the things you were trying to get back, Mr, Veil?
  

How many episodes were produced? 25.

Is there much continuity? Sometimes. Ultimately, the concept itself doesn’t add up logically. It might be more plausible if Veil led an isolated life, but he seems to be a well-respected sociable person. Surely there’s someone that “they” haven’t gotten to that knows him well enough to believe him and help him. There are too many unexplored areas of his life.

Sometimes, he’s carrying the negative on him. Sometimes he has it hidden somewhere. It just depends on what the plot demands.

The show skirts a serialized strategy in favor of a more anthology-like approach to things. As a result, there’s very little sense of the bigger picture mystery coming into focus. Each revelation feels too disassociated from each revelation that came before. As a serialized mystery, it’s not successful. But that was never the intention. Show creator Lawrence Hertzog confesses that he never intended to answer all the questions raised in the pilot and doesn’t even know the answers himself. He goes on to express frustration that the network tried to force him to answer some questions by the end of the season. He just wanted each episode to be, “an allegory for the human condition, etc., etc.”

During the last half dozen episodes, there is a network-imposed story arc that actually moves the story forward and builds from episode to episode.

Like the Prisoner, the episode order creates a barely detectable character arc. In the beginning, Greenwood is lost in a sea of existential ennui. Later, he becomes more pro-active and occasionally succeeds in disrupting the Organization in some small way.

With the final revelation, the diary he mentions at the beginning of every episode suddenly becomes a plot hole.

Why was it canceled? Supposedly, the fledgling UPN network decided it wanted to focus its attention on comedies, so Nowhere Man was not renewed for a second season despite decent ratings.

Was there closure? The series ends with a very big revelation that had been fairly obvious for the last five episodes. Clearly the show runners were anticipating a second season and the finale was meant to send the show in a new direction. But it’s a revelation that creates more questions than answers, and frankly I don’t think the writers would have been able to step up to the challenge. All that would have changed would be the expository dialogue that Greenwood gives whenever he interrogates someone.

Any unattended issues: Loads. I still don’t know what the hell was real and what wasn’t.

The verdict: Wildly uneven. Frequently confounding. Constantly humorless. The storytelling is very confident, but it still doesn’t make a lot of sense sometimes. Clearly the writers were flying by the seat of their pants. Greenwood’s performance is lacking charisma. He’s a little too everyman, when he should be exceptional.

Thanks to Mark Snow’s creepy score, the ending of each episode highlights the eeriness of the show. But without real continuity in the mystery, it’s impossible to get invested. The show is not even that good at sustaining an atmosphere of paranoia. Greenwood continually gives his name as Tom Veil and never changes his appearance – isn’t he trying to hide? Dude, grow a beard or cut that floppy hair!

The formulaic plots get old. It becomes increasingly easy to guess what’s going to happen by the end of the episode.

It’s impossible to watch this show without thinking of The Prisoner. Veil is even called Number Six in one episode. Many episodes rip off the plots of Prisoner episodes. From the doppelganger episode to the broadcast hypnosis episode, to the manufactured reality episode. Hertzog himself refers to the show as a less cerebral version of The Prisoner. Sadly, this show also lacks the humor and the style of The Prisoner. And while Six was always an agitator, Veil is a survivor who never really stands for anything. He doesn’t have a point-of-view. And the show itself is just too vague. An intriguing experiment of a show that never broke out of its mold enough to make an impact.

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

"Who is this versus?"

-Mac, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Harry Potter and the order of the Phoenix

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

The Prisoner

The Prisoner

A sci-fi series that aired on BBC in 1967 and CBS in 1968.

The Set-Up: A newly retired secret agent is kidnapped and finds himself in . . . “The Village.” The Village is a community of brainwashed citizens who go only by numbers. Number Six, our hero, remains a holdout to the various techniques designed to break his rebellious spirit. His primary foe: an ever-revolving chain of Number Twos. Each Number 2 has a degree in mindfuckery. If anyone swims too far into the ocean, or wanders too far into the woods, “Rover” is unleashed. Rover is a giant white, screaming ball that bounces through the streets and suffocates those who break the rules. Some citizens of the Village are friends. Some are foes. And Number Six himself is unsure if the Village is “ours” or “theirs.”

Typical episode: A three-minute opening sequence lays out the plot – revealing the kidnapping and some typical esoteric dialogue between Number Six and the New Number Two.

Number Six wakes up in the morning and paces furiously around his apartment. Number Two watches from a surveillance room where two men on a rotating seesaw stare silently into black boxes. Number Two reports to someone on a clunky cordless phone while his faithful but mute dwarf butler pours tea. A deception is put into action. Someone contacts Number Six. He assumes they are a foe. Number Six then concocts his own plan and disrupts the establishment as best he can.

In the end, Six’s disembodied head flies at the camera and is prevented from bouncing into my living room thanks to some carefully timed bars slamming shut on the screen.

The style: Danger Man plus The Fugitive divided by Lost times Looney Tunes. Or Fantasy Island gang-raped by Dr. Strangelove and The Twilight Zone. Or perhaps The Smurfs through Grouchy Smurf’s eyes.

Typical Dialogue: “I will not make any deals with you. I've resigned. I will not be pushed, filed, stamped, indexed, briefed, debriefed or numbered. My life is my own. I resign.”

More Dialogue: “The mountain can come to Muhammad.”

Typical Village Propaganda: “Questions are a burden to others. Answers a prison for oneself.”

Most Spoken Dialogue: “Be seeing you.”

My favorite episodes:

• “The Arrival” McGoohan wakes up in the Village. Number Two shows him around. He sees the creepy big white screaming ball that suffocates people. The bizarre, offbeat style and twisted sense of humor are established immediately. Every ally he comes across is most likely working against him. He is completely on his own. This show is the ultimate in paranoia, isolation, anti-authoritarianism, misanthropy and off-the-wall weirdness.
  
• “The Chimes of Big Ben” One of the more sadistic episodes. Perhaps the closest the bad guys get to ascertaining what they need from Number Six. This episode drives home that he can trust no one. When Number Six catches onto their scheme and limps away – having been dealt a crippling blow – is one of my favorite moments.
  
• “A, B, and C” Number Six is really starting to get the better of those in charge at the Village. Another of my favorite moments: when Two watches the doors open on the monitor, and the camera pans to the same door – expecting Six to walk through. Trippy, man.
  
• “It’s Your Funeral” The first sign of dissention in the ranks. Some actual suspense. And Kosho, that weird sport with the water tank and the trampolines.
  
• “A Change of Mind” Six is declared “unmutual” and “disharmonious.” This particular mind fuck is more commonly called the silent treatment. And getting the shit beat out of you. There’s a room just like Room 23 on LOST. This episode celebrates misanthropy.
  
• “Hammer into Anvil” Six gets his own degree in mindfuckology. And I do believe he’s been studying under Bugs Bunny.
  
• “Living in Harmony” This show is so goddamned weird. At this point, you have to go along with it. A western? Sure, why not? This episode did not air in the U.S. supposedly because of the drug use. But there is a persistent theory that the pacifist message of the episode (during the Vietnam war no less) was the real reason it was pulled. After all, it’s hardly the only drug-fueled episode. Bonus: McGoohan runs really funny.
  
• “The Girl Who Was Death” The missile is the lighthouse itself!
  
• “Once Upon a Time” Sample dialogue from this episode: “Pop goes the weasel” “Pop.” “Pop.” “Pop.” “Pop, Pop.” “Pop, Pop, Pop.” “Pop. Pop. Pop.” “Pop Protect.” “Protect?” “Protect Pop.” “Pop.” “Protect other people.” “Protect other . . .” “People’s own protection.” “Protect other pop.” “Protect other people!” “Why?” “Pop” “Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?” “Pop” This exchange has been shortened for your sanity. The whole episode is like this. Who writes this? It’s like watching some drug-induced lunatic’s therapy. Awesome.
  
• “Fall Out” The cinematically insane New Wave techniques of sixties filmmaking makes its way to British television. Now *this* is rebellion. An absolutely ludicrous set-up with little to no real-world logic. The conversations run in circles. Characters break into songs. The masked jury/assembly breaks into dance. “Give it to me, man! Give it to me!” It’s the Marx Brothers on acid. The “judge” even gives a speech evaluating the different kinds of rebellion. “Revolt can take many forms . . .” “Youth rebels against an accepted norm because it must . . .” And finally, “revolt contributes nothing to our culture and must be stamped out.” The assembly caters to Number Six in another effort to break him. They concede that he is a true rebel, but they don’t plan to truly let his rebellious nature win out. Machine guns blaring to the sound of “All You Need is Love.” (How much did the music rights for this DVD set cost!?)  No answers are given to the mysteries inherent in the show. Only allegorical insanity. No preachiness (because there is no real-world conceits being rebelled against). Anarchy!
  

Least Favorite:

• “Do Not Forsake Me Oh My Darling” An information-heavy episode, but without Patrick McGoohan. Lame. Half clip show. Half contrived suck-ass.
  

How many episodes were produced? 17. According to one website, the only show with only 17 episodes. I doubt that.

Is there much continuity? Not really. The show even acknowledges this in its structure. A different actor plays Number Two in nearly every episode. And even when Six seems to find a reliable ally, they never appear again.

The rules for the Village change from episode to episode. An election for Number Two takes place early on, but later, the position seems to be appointed. Sometimes there’s a curfew, sometimes not so much. This can all be conveniently explained through the mysterious nature of the Village.

There are three possible locations that Six determines for the Village – all in completely different places. Actors playing one part will often show up later playing a different role. A common practice before IMDB or DVD. That particular suspension of disbelief is rarely practiced these days without fancy wigs to disguise the actors (see Deadwood and Veronica Mars).

Despite this, the viewing order as determined by the DVD set very much follows a clear line of character development. Early, Number Six encounters failure after failure. Unable to escape the Village and remaining a step behind Number Two. Initially, Six takes the direct approach in attempting to ascertain information from his captors. By the end of the series, he is regularly undermining the administration – even if he isn’t escaping. He is bringing them down from the inside. The episodes also grow steadily stranger in this viewing order.

Why was it canceled? The stories abound. According to most reports, McGoohan only wanted to make seven or eight episodes in the first place. The network wanted 26. 17 was the compromise.

Was there closure? Yes and no. The ending is completely intentional. However, rather than answering key questions, the show ultimately tosses those questions out the window and breaks down into a mass of insane anti-narrative.

Any unattended issues: Legions of fans thought so. McGoohan famously had to disappear to avoid the threats and complaints from fans who felt they had been ripped off by the series finale, a notoriously controversial episode. I, on the other hand, fully appreciate the bizarre non-sequitor ending.

According to Wikipedia, co-creator George Markstein envisioned a different ending. One with an actual explanation. There was no mention of why Markstein relented to MGoohan’s nuttiness.

The verdict: One of my favorites. Despite numerous attempts to rip off the series, The Prisoner remains unique. The plots are barely comprehendible at times. The style is absolutely of its era. And the dialogue is baffling. Without McGoohan’s inspired performance, the show would crumble under its own lunacy.

There is a common theory that Number Six is the same character McGoohan played in Danger Man. The weakest argument for this theory is Number Two’s referring to Six as “Drake,” his character’s name from Danger Man. However, most agree that Two says “break” rather than “Drake.” The best argument involves Christopher Benjamin portraying a character named Potter in both Danger Man and The Prisoner. McGoohan expressly claims they are not the same character despite this.

There is a calculated misanthropy to the series. It is anti-authoritarian. Pro-individual. Anti-community. Even McGoohan’s most genial greetings reek of disdain. I love it for its anger, black sense of humor, and general weirdness.

Recently, there have been rumblings of an update. BBC tried to revive the series. And Christopher Nolan has routinely expressed interest in making a feature film. If they ever do make a movie, I hope they consider casting Pierce Brosnan because a) he would be ideal at the smirking nonchalant style required, and b) it would be fun to speculate that double-o-seven had been taken down a notch to number six.

The Muppet Movie

The Muppet Movie was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. I finally got to see it in a theater again this morning. What a silly movie. 

Sometimes people ask me why I go to see a movie in the theater if I have already seen it, especially if I have it on DVD. But that's how a movie is supposed to be seen. In a theater. Plus, I notice things I had never noticed before. For instance, Doc Hopper wears an American Flag lapel pin through the movie. I didn't even know they had those in 1979. It seems like such a recent trend. 

But there it is, in all its nostalgic glory. A villain with an American Flag lapel pin. 

"What do I do? Well, thanks for asking! I ring my bell, and I like to dance!"

                                                             -inventnow.org

My Neighborhood

On this downer day, I walked around in circles and took some pictures of my neighborhood.

The Drak Pack

Drak Pack

A Saturday morning cartoon that aired on CBS in 1980.

The Set-Up: “From the monsters of the past, comes a new generation dedicated to reversing the evil image of their forefathers. Under the leadership of none other than Count Dracula, known as Big D, three teenagers form the a do-gooder group named the Drak Pack. With special powers they can transform into super mighty monsters and use their skills against all evil doers – especially the diabolical Dr. Dred, and his renegade rascals, Toad, Fly, Mummy Man, and Vampira, a group known as OGRE, the Organization of Generally Rotten Enterprises. It’s right versus wrong. Good over greed. Niceness against naughtiness. That’s the dedication of the terrific trio, Frankie, Howler, and Drak, Jr. The Drak Pack.”

Typical episode: The Drak Pack is enjoying their vacation at the beach when they receive a message from Big D. Big D, a.k.a. Dracula, makes a comment about kids these days and slams his fingers in his coffin. The Drak Pack takes this as a cue to go after the omniscient Dr. Dred, who sets up a meeting with Drak, Jr. in some obscure location. As usual, Dr. Dred is infinitely more clever than the Drak Pack and he ensnares them in a trap. He then leaves them unattended to follow out his evil plan to do something goofy with an exceptionally nifty piece of sci-fi gadgetry. Drak, Jr. notes that they were caught by the ole this-or-that trick. The trio suddenly remembers that the best way to defeat Dred is to “Drak Whack.” Now one could reasonably assume the “Drak Whack” might be some sort of a circle jerk. You would only be half wrong. They proceed to touch each other and yell, “whack-O!” They then turn into monsters.

As monsters, they are still insipid, but with more strength and magical powers. Drak, Jr. can change into a dog, mouse, or bat. But his favorite shape is a whiff of smoke. Howler can blow really hard. And Frankie can . . . be strong, I guess. Ultimately, Dred is defeated when his right hand man, Toad, does something even stupider than the Drak Pack and brings about OGRE’s defeat. Dr. Dred swears revenge and the monsters check in with Big D, who says something sarcastic.

The style: Superfriends divided by Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein minus logic.

Typical dialogue: “We better Drak pack whack and make tracks!”

Sadly, The Best Dialogue On the Show: “I wonder what’s left in the refrigerator. Yuck! Nothing but plasma. I hate those diet drinks!”

My favorite episodes:
I can’t determine the proper viewing order. According to my research, it is not what is on the DVD, but since there’s no continuity or ongoing structure, it doesn’t really matter.

• “Dred’s Photo Finish” An evil camera turns people into paper. Cameras are evil.
  
• “Package Deal” The only time Dr. Dred seems aware that Count Dracula even exists. Also a plus, the gang travels to Transylvania. It’s also the only episode that even approaches cashing in on the horror concept of the series.
  

Least Favorite:

• “Color Me Dredful” I just want to note a moment near the beginning where Dred is discussing his evil plan to drain the color from everything with his anti-color gun. As he lays it out, the camera pans to a picture of the Drak Pack. Dred implies he will use his anti-color gun on the threesome, and the picture turns black and white. It reminds me of a moment in a late era episode of Scooby Doo, where the Blimp is discussing his plans to use the mask of Medusa to turn Scooby and his friends to stone. Yes, my nerdiness knows no bounds. Anyway, my point is . . . who the fuck cares about draining the color from shit. Getting turned to stone? A problem. Going black and white? Not so much. That’s the problem with this show in a nutshell. There is nothing threatening. Ever.
  

How many episodes were produced? 15.

Is there much continuity? Not at all. First off, the main concept of the series is heavily flawed. The main kid is introduced by the narrator as Drac, Jr. But Dracula refers to himself as his great uncle. Dracula is susceptible to sunlight, but Drak Jr isn’t. The werewolf turns into a werewolf whenever he Drak Whacks – regardless of whether or not there is a full moon.

And clearly, Dr. Dred is the most competent character on the show. He has surveillance equipment everywhere on the planet, and it’s the kind of surveillance equipment where he always gets a great shot of the action, and the audio is perfect.

In one episode, Dred loses his fly swatter, but mysteriously has it again later. Furthermore, Dred always uses his fly swatter to whip Toad – not Fly – although I will concede that the last one could be a running joke.

Why was it canceled? Cartoon shows in the early eighties were highly disposable. This was one of those.

Was there closure? Whatever.

Any unattended issues: Issues?

The verdict: Ouch. The reason I own this show was an attempt to revisit my very early taste in junk. My taste has changed since I was four. I’m surprised to learn this came out in 1980 since that must mean that my penchant for monsters was already in place that early, but that’s why I watched the show. It had monsters. My other favorite show at the time was Scooby Doo. But Scooby Doo took place in haunted houses, cemeteries, bogs, and dark places. And at night. This show takes place in the day at beaches and carnivals. There is nothing creepy about this show despite the monster element.

There are only one or two times when someone runs away at the sight on three monsters, but it’s mostly an opportunity wasted. There is no allegory regarding outcasts. Despite the opening narration, there is no mention of trying to right the wrongs of earlier generations. It’s just three fairly incompetent superheroes in monster make-up. And they’re not even good super heroes at that. In one episode, the bad guys are defeated because Dracula calls the police! The police!

The three main characters have the most obnoxious cartoon voices ever devised and when Drak, Jr. turns into a vampire, he looks like a fucking drag queen. The show was clearly devised by a bunch of cash-in kings with a paucity of imagination and a vague knowledge of monster movies, super heroes, and the Wacky Races. I want to go back and slap my four-year-old self senseless.

"I don't go to church. Kneeling bags my nylons."

-Jan Sterling, Ace in the Hole

The Texas Chainsaw massacre

Inspiration, Inc

For a good dose of inspirational uplift, I have included a transcript of one of the many pep talks given to Rocky Balboa whenever he spiraled into depression after not winning the World Championship for a few years. This particular speech is given by Oprah-in-training / supportive spouse Adrian Balboa in Rocky III.

• Adrian: I wanna ask you something important and I want you to tell me the truth.
  
• Rocky: What?
  
• Adrian: Why’d you come here?
  
• Rocky: I just don’t want it no more.
  
• Adrian: If it’s over because you want it to be over, I’m glad.
  
• Rocky: I do.
  
• Adrian: It’s just, you’ve never quit anything since I’ve known you.
  
• Rocky: I don’t know what you want me to say. I mean what happened? How did everything that’s so good become so bad?
  
• Adrian: What’s so bad? Tell me, what?
  
• Rocky: I wrecked everything by not thinking for myself. Why couldn’t Mickey tell me where I was really at right from the start? He didn’t have to carry me and lie to me and make me think I was really better than I was when I wasn’t.
  
• Adrian: He never lied.
  
• Rocky: Those fights weren’t right. They weren’t, Adrian. I never fought anybody who was in their prime. There was always some angle to hold onto the title longer than I should have had it. Do you understand what I’m saying here?
  
• Adrian: I understand, but you’ve gotta understand that he loved you and that was his job – protecting you!
  
• Rocky: But that protecting don’t help nothin’. It only makes things worse. You wake up after a few years thinking you’re a winner, but you’re not. You’re really a loser. So we wouldn’t have had the title as long. So what? At least it would have been real, Adrian.
  
• Adrian: It was real!
  
• Rocky: Nothing is real if you don’t believe in who you are! I don’t believe in myself no more! Don’t you understand?! When a fighter don’t believe that’s it. He’s finished, it’s over, that’s it!
  
• Adrian: That’s not it!
  
• Rocky: That is it!
  
• Adrian: Why don’t you tell me the truth?!
  
• Rocky: What are you putting me through, Adrian!? You wanna know the truth?! I don’t wanna lose what I got!! In the beginning, I didn’t care about what happened to me. I’d go in the ring, I’d get busted up, I didn’t care! But now there’s you. There’s the kid. I don’t wanna lose what I got.
  
• Adrian: What do we have that can’t be replaced? What?! A house? We got cars, we got money! We got everything but the truth. What’s the truth, damn it?!
  
• Rocky: I’m afraid!! All right?! You wanna hear me say it?! You wanna break me down!? All right, I’m afraid!! For the first time in my life, I’m afraid.
  
• Adrian: I’m afraid, too. There’s nothing wrong with being afraid.
  
• Rocky: There is. For me, there is!!
  
• Adrian: Why? You’re human, aren’t you?
  
• Rocky: I don’t know what I am. All I know is I’m a liar, and because of that, Mickey ain’t here no more.
  
• Adrian: You didn’t push him into anything! He was a grown man and he did what he had to do! And you have no right to feel guilty for what happened. You don’t!! You were a champion and you did what you were expected to do, and you did what I and everyone else thought you should do. And you wanna tell me that those fights weren’t real, that you weren’t carried. Well, I don’t believe it!! But it doesn’t matter what I believe because you’re the one that’s gotta carry that fear around inside of you-- afraid that everybody’s gonna take things away and afraid you’re gonna be remembered as a coward, but you’re not that man anymore. Well, none of it’s true. But it doesn’t matter if I tell you. It doesn’t matter, because you’re the one that’s gotta settle it. Get rid of it! Because when all the smoke has cleared and everyone’s through chanting your name, it’s just gonna be us. And you can’t live like this. We can’t live like this. Cause it’s gonna bother you for the rest of your life. Look what it’s doing to you now. [Tinkling piano starts here.] Apollo thinks you can do it. So do I. But you gotta do it for the right reason. [A harp starts playing here.] Not for the guilt over Mickey, not for the people, not or the title, not for money or me, but for you. Just you. Just you alone.
  
• Rocky: And if I lose?
  
• Adrian: Then you lose. But at least you lose with no excuses, no fear. And I know you can live with that.
  
• Rocky: How’d you get so tough?
  
• Adrian: I live with a fighter.
  

©1982 Sylvester Gardenzio Stallone. All Rights Reserved.

Indecipherable? Perhaps.
Soul inspiring? Without a doubt!

Brazil

Twitch City

Twitch City

A comedy series that aired on CBC in 1998 and 2000.

Disclosure: I screwed the pooch. I could have sworn this was only one season, but apparently there were two. I didn’t realize it until I hit the second season on the DVD. Since only 13 episodes were made and I invested three and a half hours in the first season, I’m going to continue along as if nothing is amiss. I invite you do to do the same.

The Set-Up: Agoraphobic Don McKellar (eXistenZ) spends all of his time on the couch watching TV. All of it. His favorite show is the Springer-esque Rex Reilly Show. One day his obsessively neat roommate, Nathan, goes out to buy cat food and kills some gay homeless dude. McKellar must then find someone to rent the room out to while he shuffles his roommate’s girlfriend, Molly Parker (Deadwood), to a room that was once used as a closet. But it’s not a closet. Honest. Newbie (eXistenz) works at the local convenience store. Sometimes he shows up and makes comments.

Typical episode: McKellar rents the room out to someone who seems nice and normal. Turns out they are a dangerous freak. Meanwhile, Parker tries to find a job to make herself useful. McKellar watches a lot of TV.

The style: Friends divided by It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The plots are pure sitcom, but the treatment is dry and ominous.

Typical dialogue: “Anyway, that’s why I will not speak any French. I mean they can’t make me. I will not speak even one word of French. Like even au contraire is an expression and I would rather just say, “No, actually. I beg to differ or something.” Are you going to show me your room? I’ll show you mine. When we were in high school, there was supposed to be this gang who lived in the sewers. A gang of tough kids. They lived underground. And we had to go home and we had to go through the ravine. We were afraid they were going to come out and beat us up. And there were lots of les- legends. I almost said lesbians. I don’t know why I said that. I must have lesbians on my mind for some reason.”

More Dialogue: “Do you believe . . . this!?” [The speaker then stabs a carton of milk to death.]

More Dialogue: “I’m going to ask you a question, and I want you to answer honestly . . . When you asked me to move into your room, did you do it because you loved me or had some affection, or because you wanted the extra rent?”

More Dialogue: “I’ll be killing Curtis in a little while, and I don’t want people to hear him screaming, because they might try to stop me.”

Typical exchange: “I think I killed someone!”
“Well, you just keep that outside.”

Special Guest Star: Jennifer Jason Leigh in Single White Female mode.

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1 “I Slept With My Mother” McKellar’s roommate, after fruitlessly attempting to get McKellar to respect the job wheel, goes out to get cat food, but ends up beating a homeless man to death. Immediately, it presents itself as the kind of show where you’re not really sure if what you’re seeing is supposed to be funny or sad. Or scary.
  
• 1.3 “I Look Like Joyce DeWitt” The new crazy ex-roommate leaves behind a mysterious box that smells like “meat.” Parker realizes that McKellar never leaves the apartment. Ever. To a crippling degree.
  
• 1.5 “I’m Fat and I’m Proud” McKellar’s friend, Newbie (“I’d be surprised if I had a friend named Newbie.”) becomes the new roommate. Initially, Newbie is excited to see his old friend again (McKellar has become a shut-in), but they soon become rivals because they each claims to love television more than the other.
  
• 2.1 “Return of the Cat Food Killer” A riff on HBO’s Oz. This episode stays almost exclusively with Nathan, who destroys the TV in the prison. Nathan’s roommate’s flashback is awesome. A great anti-cliffhanger cliffhanger.
  
• 2.3 “Klan Bake” Faux finishes. They’re all the rave. The sweet old meals-on-wheels lady is awesome. Trying to guess the mystery disease McKellar is faking makes for a nice running joke!
  
• 2.4 “People Who Don’t Care About Anything” The cliffhanger to episode 2.1 is finally addressed. Were these aired out of order? One of the broader episodes, but the humor is black enough that I don’t mind.
  

Least Favorite:

• 2.5 “Planet of the Cats” Cats take over the world. A human resistance group springs up. This episode goes off the deep end. And yet, the series subtly(?) telegraphed this episode from very early on. We were warned about Lucky. “”Lucky is my human name.” I still kind of like this episode, but it sticks out like a sore thumb. The cat playing Lucky has his own page on IMDB. Maybe the cats really are taking over.
  

How many episodes were produced? 13.

Is there much continuity? Generally. There is a lot of running jokes – like the pineapple cookies. Certain twists are telegraphed far in advance – like Lucky the cat warning McKellar of his plans to take over the world after McKellar east some of the mysterious pineapple cookies. Even the crazy cat lady from episode 1.3 is onto lucky.

The actor playing Rex Riley changes between seasons. Yet, this is explained via a passage in his autobiography.

There’s only one incongruity with the roommates that sticks out. Where did Clinton come from? He seems to hang around for three episodes, before fleeing.

Why was it canceled? I can’t find any information regarding how well this show was received at the time.

Was there closure? Barely. There is an ending. But it’s mostly artificial. McKellar creeps outside of his comfort zone in order to be with Parker, but there is obviously going to be a lot of issues to be resolved between them. After 13 episodes, it’s weird to see them in a different setting. It’s like the final episode of Fraggle Rock.

Any unattended issues: Nathan’s story remains unresolved. Lucky the Cat lives on.

The verdict: A weird surreal comedy. It uses an ominous eeriness for comedic effect. The characters all share an indifference to life. The show also has a sleaziness to it – mostly due to the rundown state of the apartment and its mysterious stains. All of these are pluses in my book. The character flaws run deep and the humor barely keeps depression at an arm’s length.

The show becomes looser and wackier in the second season, but it still never comes close to the silliness of most sitcoms. I bought this show based only on a description I read online. The end of the series is weak. It could have really addressed the sad state of McKellar’s character. Still, a good purchase.