Movies My Parents Own:

Movies My Parents Own:

On VHS (Full Screen)
Titanic

On DVD (unopened*)
The Passion of the Christ

Movies My Parents Have Given Me For Christmas That I Didn't Ask For
On VHS:
Men in Black
On DVD:
Pearl Harbor
Wild Wild West


*Unable to figure out the DVD player, my parents watched the movie on Pay-Per-View.

Jaws Trailer

A Boy Named Charlie Brown

Point Pleasant

Point Pleasant

A supernatural teen soap that aired on FOX in 2005. It was created, written and produced by Buffy alum, Marti Noxon.

The Set-Up: A girl named Christina washes up on the shore of Point Pleasant, a beach town dominated by a self-obsessed clique of hot teens (played by people in their late twenties) and their equally obnoxious parents. The teens are subsequently met with forces who insist they all have jobs to do, but the teens would rather not disrupt their schedule of flirting, whining, and preening. It turns out Christina is evil personified, or to quote Veronica Mars, “Rosemary’s Baby: The Teen Years.” Lots of metaphors for the trials of adolescence ensue.

Evil Grant Show arrives in town to “turn her” and repeat the same bits of exposition over and over again. “She’s the child of Darkness. She’s the child of Darkness. She’s the child of Darkness.” Everyone gets mad at each other, then make up, then get mad again. Eventually everyone tries to kill each other.

Typical episode: In the first half of the run, episodes generally deal with Christina’s effect on this small clique. She acts innocent, but when someone gets between her and sexy lifeguard Jesse at a beach party or a pool, she segues into evil mode by locking her arms to her side and staring forward very, very hard. Then something totally evil happens. Usually involving fire. A few bits of exposition are repeated ad infinitum:

• Christina is Satan’s daughter.
  
• Grant Show works for Christina’s father.
  
• Jesse is the “chosen one.”
  
• Paula is jealous of Christina.
  
• Mrs. Kramer is not crazy!
  
• The Kramer’s oldest daughter died two years ago.
  
• Christina has a job to do.
  
• Grant Show has a job to do.
  
• Jesse has a job to do.
  
• Even Terry has a job to do.
  

Reviewing all this over and over again nearly takes up the full forty minutes of each episode. I can only assume the writers thought their audience might be falling asleep (guilty!) and will need to be reminded of the point of the show every few minutes. This is often accompanied by dudes taking off their shirts.

As the “plot” progresses, more and more supernatural shit hits the fan. This deters no one from repeating the same exposition over and over again.

Typical dialogue: “How can I believe anything you say? You’re the Devil’s kid, right?”

More dialogue: “I told you what we’re up against: Boyd, Jesse, the soldiers from the Vatican!”

More dialogue: “You were built for a fight, but not with me . . . with the anti-Christ!”

My favorite dialogue: Grant Show actually has the balls to ask another character, “Whatever happened to subtlety?”

My favorite episodes:
There are no episodes I can say were actually any good, but if I had to pick some with redeemable qualities, they would be:

• 1.5: “The Last Dance” Lost-style, we see flashbacks of Grant Show’s character and learn that back in 1935, he was just as youthful and pretty as he is today!!! Whoa! This episode is super graphic. Some clandestine sodomy. A chick showers in blood! And guest star Aaron Paul gets to be a little manic. Aaron Paul then reminds us that Mrs. Karmer’s daughter died two years ago and something about his not being over it. Don’t worry, dude. In this town, no one is.
  
• 1.9: “Waking the Dead” This episode never aired. Christina magically brings a dead priest back to life. When the zombie-like priest grabs Christina’s friend, Judy, and drags her into the woods, the dead priest says, “I didn’t mean to scare you.” Judy replies, “Then you should have written me a letter from wherever you were!” Aaron Paul shows up and acts drunkenly jealous. Christina does something evil, then Jesse does something heroic and reviews what he did for the audience, “Did I just kill that guy!?”
  
• 1.13: “Let the War Commence” My favorite part -- Christina magically forces the Kramers to lock their hands together and say grace. Easily the funniest moment on the show. Here, the church is depicted as a nutty vengeance-obsessed cult. And on a show like this, that means they are pretty fucking nutty. And Jesse dies! Oops, spoiler warning by the way. At one point, Terry tells a girl, “This whole thing was hotter when you were Jesse’s girl.”
  

Least Favorite:
So many to choose from. The most unredeemable:

• 1.4 “The Lonely Hunter” Grant Show throws an evil dinner party. He has some esoteric plan that seems to be working perfectly, but fuck if I ever figure out what it is.
  

How many episodes were produced? 13. Only eight aired.

Is there much continuity? Yes. And it is brought to the audience’s attention over and over and over again.

Why was it canceled? It sucked. But to be fair, it was advertised as a gothic mystery show, and it really only became that after it was canceled. The first few episodes dwelled too much in sappy teen soap. Still, it sucked.

Was there closure? It arrives at a conclusion. It doesn’t just stop, but obviously, the last episode was meant to send the series in a new direction. The ending is a beginning.

Any unattended issues? I don’t think they ever say who Jesse’s father was. He saw his birth certificate, but I’m unclear if Jesse knows who his father is or not. I suspect I was meant to think his father is . . . the Lord. But I may have not been paying attention when they said. If the show had continued, he probably would have come back from the dead.

And then there’s that whole thing at the end when Christina escapes to presumably take over the world. Some might count that as unresolved.

The verdict: Surely this was supposed to be a satire of teen soaps like 90210 or The O.C., but it is played so straight. It is rarely dramatic. Characters show up wherever the plot requires them – even if there is no reason for them to. Everyone argues in circles. And the acting is terrible! Only Susan Walters as the emotionally fragile mother is any good at all, and once she realizes she’s not crazy and becomes empowered, she’s just as obnoxious as everyone else.

The symbolism is out of control. The girls would be hotter if they weren’t so blasted vapid. The characters have no personality. And the show lacks the stylish dread that Carnivale had, but portends all the gravity. All in all, a poor purchase on my part.

I have been reminded that there were other issues never fully answered. There is a mysterious light house that gives off a beam of pure goodness in one episode and is never explained. And for two years, Mr. Kramer has been receiving a mysterious tape of his daughter claiming she knows she is going to die. We never learn where the tape is coming from, although it is strongly suggested by the dead daughter. We never find out why she died.

I feel like this show was reaching for Twin Peaks-style camp, but was too afraid of alienating a teen audience to fully embrace Lynchian madness.

Tomorrow? What tomorrow?

"I toyed with the idea of asking Danny, point blank, did he love me, but why ruin a nice day?" 
 -Jernigan, David Gates

Psycho Remake Trailer

Original Psycho Trailer

My 2006 Movie-Going Experience

A friend of mine was trying to put her finger on what kind of movies I like. She said, "Movies with a lot of grit."
"Gritty movies? I like gritty movies?"
"No, you like movies that look dirty."


My Favorites

12 and Holding
Unhappy twelve-year-olds. Awesome! Do they win the little league game? Do they befriend old man Jenkins? Do they learn to appreciate their well-meaning families? Not exactly. They pour piss on each other, burn each other to death, steal guns, go to jail, strip for adults, and lock their parents in the basement for starters. I’m glad Jeremy Renner is finally in a good movie.
Why does it rock? The heroes are bastards. Stylish violence. Teen angst.
What it teaches us: It sucks to be twelve.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “Some child is going to watch that and do the same thing!”*
*My mom's review of The Simpsons.


Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Not as insightful or satirical as it thinks it is, but the hotel scene! Pamela Anderson’s best performance ever! Some of the jokes are obvious, but any movie where this many people sue the filmmakers has to be awesome.
Why does it rock? Reality becomes fiction. And people get pissed off a lot. Irony.
What it teaches us: American bigots are surprisingly polite.
Life expectancy of main characters: Wait, are these people real?
How would my family react? They’ve already weighed in: “I don’t understand the point of someone walking around being a jerk. What’s the point? You know what’s good? The Guardian.”


Brick
I’d like to imagine my high school experience was like this. If I had seen movies like this or shows like Veronica Mars, I would have totally upped the angst factor in school. The best part? The foot chase. I’m hoping to train myself to talk like that all the time.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards. Stylish violence. Teen angst.
What it teaches us: Being in high school sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? They wouldn’t understand two lines.


Children of Men
The Mexicans are kicking our filmmaking asses. Dystopian movie futures rock. Alfonso Cuarón is now officially one of my favorite directors. The long, intense takes. The stakes. The depression. The desperation. And who to trust? So many loyalties. So complicated. And one of my new favorite endings: Foggy. Literally and figuratively.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards. Stylish violence.
What it teaches us: Everything sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “I never heard about any of this.”


The Departed
Martin Scorsese takes a break from making Oscar-friendly costume dramas (the best costume dramas around says I) and makes pure gangster gold. Boom! Who’s who? Who’s good? Who’s bad? Everybody! Boom! Trust no one. Not even yourself. I nearly named the whole damn cast in my favorite performances section. Violence begets violence begets – Fuck youz!
Why does it rock? Stylish violence. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: If you do your job right, it sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “My word! Do you ever watch anything without violence in it?”


The Descent
I saw this in theaters and was extremely disappointed by the ending. Really, this was totally going to make my list until the cop out, suck-balls ending. Then I saw it on DVD and . . . the ending was different. Avoid the theaters version (which is easy now that it’s out of theaters), and see it on DVD instead. Much better ending. Very claustrophobic, dark and creepy. None of the chicks get naked, but so it goes.
Why does it rock? Stylish violence.
What it teaches us: Losing your child sucks. So does getting eaten alive by cave-dwelling-crawlers.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “Oh, I don’t like scary movies. I’m going to bed.”


A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
The modern parts are pretty mediocre, and a lot of what happens is predictable (strange how true stories are often the most formulaic), but the atmosphere, the acting, and the style is awesome. This was a hell of a year for teen angst in movies. Plus the kids are dirty a lot – as the picture shows.
Why does it rock? Teen angst.
What it teaches us: Being a poor kid sucks – especially with an overbearing parent.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “That boy should have listened to his father! Are you paying attention?”


Half Nelson
Who is going to teach these inner city kids about life and history? Oh, good. They hired a white dude. A white dude who’s hooked on heroin and can’t hold a single relationship with anyone his own age. I could watch Ryan Gosling wander around in a daze all day. Actually, that’s pretty much the whole movie.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Things seem to suck less when you’re high, but really, it all still sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Iffy. It’s a bad neighborhood.
What would my parents think? “That man was a terrible teacher! None of your teachers at that New Mexico school were like that, were they?”


Little Children
The dysfunction-in-suburbia thing has kind of run its course, but this thing is so funny and stylish. The narration is a little startling and overbearing at first, but really hits its groove quick – turning a lot of the tragedy into something ironic. The whole cast is great. Haley’s relationship with his mom is especially pathetic! I love watching movies about unhappy people. Not as subtle or amazing as In The Bedroom, but it’s still awesome.
Why does it rock? Irony. Hot sex.
What it teaches us: That whole suburban family thing – it sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What my dad said about In The Bedroom: “That movie actually had a story!” What my dad said when Sissy Spacek slapped Marissa Tomei: “Good for her!”


Pan's Labyrinth
Part war film/part fantasy/part horror. Little girl surrounded by dark craziness retreats into a world of . . . dark craziness. The little girl isn't even annoying (unlike the brat in Tideland). The violence is messed up and super graphic. If I had to hang out with these adults, I'd get my dress muddy, too. What's scarier? Supernatural monsters or power-abusing soldiers? Generally, I would say the soldier, but that dude with the eyes in his hands - really damn creepy.
Whay does it rock? Stylish violence. (Pre-)teen angst. A general trippiness.
What it teaches us: It sucks to be a kid, but war sucks even more.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? "Where do you find these movies?"*

*My dad's review of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.


Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
I am a sucker for the middle parts of trilogies. The characters have already been established (all that’s left to do is subvert them) and issues are left unresolved (like Elizabeth’s guilt). And the bad guys win! Only when a third movie is planned would a major studio release something like this. And these movies are so chock full of running jokes and subversive comments. Johnny Depp is fantastic again. The special effects look great. And the movie is generally darker than its predecessor (something I require from most of my sequels). Plus, I like to say “Summon the Kracken!” during awkward moments. Oh, and sword fights rule. Did you see that sword fight? Christ!
Why does it rock? Sword fights. A serialized story that doesn’t play catch-up with the audience. Irony. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Supernatural debt sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? “Back in my day, the hero didn’t die!”*

*My mom’s review of Armageddon.

The Prestige
Twisty, obsessive flick. Christopher Nolan is now one of my favorite directors. Supernatural? Sci-fi? Why tell a story in chronological order? How old school. And it’s got Tesla? Can a movie fail with Tesla?
Why does it rock? Non-chronological order. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Not being the best and living in some dude’s shadow sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? I would be stopping it every five minutes to explain what was happening.

United 93
This did not seem like a good idea to me. That one line is there, but they throw it away as best they can. It’s really the style that I appreciate. Watching the process of people reacting to 9/11. Nicely subtle. Amazingly, it doesn’t pander at all. And the ending doesn’t even cop out.
Why does it rock? Cause it doesn’t suck.
What it teaches us: Flying sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? They would be sad. :(



Favorite Direction for movies not already mentioned:

Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain)
Self-indulgent? Oh, yeah. But a hell of a trip. Deliberate and obtuse. Pretty. Elusive. My favorite part: When the conquistador first drinks some of the sap from the tree of life. I want to get high to this movie.
Life expectancy of main characters: It’s about the tree of life. What could go wrong?

Clint Eastwood (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Every now and then, just as I'm about to forget that World War II ever happened, some filmmaker (usually Spielberg) goes and makes a movie to remind me of it. They often claim this movie shows the war from a different perspective. They are lying. But this movie comes close - despite Eastwood's tinkling painos. It would make a good double feature with Downfall or Fires on the Plain, though I suppose it's supposed to be a double feature with that other Eastwood/Spielberg thing. Is he capable of making a period movie without a modern frame story? Apparently not.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.

Alejandro Gonzelez Inarritu (Babel)
Too consciously set across many continents with many different nationalities in many different languages. And way too long. And it mostly devolves into a parade of human misery until it just gives up and rolls the credits. I’m not sure if it’s his direction or Rodrigo Prieto’s cinematography (which went unnominated) that I respond to. But something there is kinda working for me. His other movies were better though. Less self-important.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.


Richard Linklater (A Scanner Darkly)
The computer assisted animation looks great. The paranoia, the dopey conversations rival Waking Life, but there’s not much momentum to the story. That was fine for Waking Life, but isn’t this supposed to be a thriller?
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.


Yimou Zhang (Curse of the Golden Flower)
Ninjas fucking rock. Especially when they fight like this. The movie never looks not amazing. The body count? Jesus! How much of that was CGI. This has to be seen to be believed. Family sucks, but they sure look pretty doing it. The plot is kinda convoluted, though. Still, ninjas. Lots of ninjas.
Life expectancy of main characters: Everything will be fine, kids.



Favorite Performances:

Favorite Brooding Performances:
Christian Bale (The Prestige)
Adam Beach (Flags of Our Fathers)

• Every now and then, just as I’m about to forget that World War II ever happened, some filmmaker (Spielberg) goes and makes a movie to remind me of it. They often claim this movie shows the war from a different perspective. They are lying. Regardless, I like Adam Beach and I’m glad he’s finally in a decent movie. If you’re making a movie, please cast Adam Beach.

Steve Carell (Little Miss Sunshine)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Departed)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick)
Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson)

• I could watch this dude brood all day long. Hell, I may add him to my top five.

Clive Owen (Children of Men)


Favorite Angsty Youth Performances:
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jesse Camacho (12 and Holding)
Paul Dano (Little Miss Sunshine)
Conor Donovan (12 and Holding)
Shareeka Epps (Half Nelson)
Shia LeBouf (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints)

• This dude is the number one reason I’m going to see the Transformers movie.
  

Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick)

• So good he transcends categories. He is now an actor I look forward to seeing in movies.

Chris Marquette (American Gun)
Channing Tatum (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints)

Favorite Fucking Crazy Performances:
Annette Bening (Running with Scissors)
Gael Garcia Bernal (The Science of Sleep)
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat)
Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal)

• She’s lonely. She’s proud. She’s delusional. She’s evil. Barely able to contain her smile when her wicked plans fall into place. Bwahahaha. Put her in a room with Helen Mirren’s Queen Elizabeth and see which one comes out alive.

Joseph Fiennes (Running with Scissors)
Edward Norton (Down in the Valley)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)

• I got nervous everytime he was onscreen. He's just as scary when he's grinning and joking as when he's grimacing, "Your death will be the first real thing to ever happen to you." Despite the incredible charisma of his performance, I don't understand why he's the favorite to win best actor. Even though he constantly upstages lead performer James McAvoy, he's still undeniabley in a supporting performance.
  

Favorite Anti-Hero Performances:
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest)
Aaron Eckhert (Thank You for Smoking)
Al Gore (An Inconvenient Truth)
Patrick Wilson (Little Children)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)

Favorite Scene Stealers:
Jill Claburgh (Running with Scissors)
Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children)

• Still bad news, but with less hair. Same voice, though.

Marcia Gay Hardin (American Gun)
Bill Nighy (Dead Man’s Chest)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)

• “I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.”

As usual, I saw a lot of horror movies this year. Two notable ones I missed (on purpose): The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and Silent Hill. I have commented on the ones I liked.

Horror Films
An American Haunting

• Incompetent.

Black Christmas

• A remake of a far superior 70s film. See the original instead.

The Covenant
Dark Ride
Feast

• The result of the final Project Greenlight season. By far, the best of those movies. My favorite part: the life expectancy of each character. The low budget shows, but its wicked sense of humor makes up for it.

Final Destination 3
The Grudge 2
The Hamiltons

• I can’t wait to see this again. Really creepy. Shot in video for what looked like a zero budget. Teen angst and stylish violence. Directed by some dudes named The Butcher Brothers. When does it come out on DVD?

The Hills Have Eyes

• My favorite of the 70s remakes. Perhaps this is because I have never seen the original. It’s a lot like Straw Dogs, except its philosophy of violence is considerably less black-and-white. And it’s got Aaron Stanford in it. He’s cool.

Hostel

• My favorite of the torture porn movies. At least after the unbearable first act. It’s not just watching someone getting tortured. It’s watching someone get even. By the way, if you don’t like eye trauma, or things oozing from eyes, you might want to skip this one.

The Omen

• Nearly shot-for-shot remake of a better 70s movie. Except instead of Gregory Peck, you get Liev Schreiber.

Pulse

• Kristen Bell is in it. She’s okay. Movie bites though.

Reincarnation
The Return

• I walked out of this a good ways in. I’m pretty sure I know what happens, but I’m not about to sit thru that again to find out if I’m right.

Saw III

• Someone told me they thought the Saw movies were the best things modern horror had to offer. I told them to suck my cock.

See No Evil
Slither

• So disgusting. So funny. So awesome. So nasty.

Snakes on a Plane
Unrest
When a Stranger Calls

• Perhaps the worst of the 70s remakes.

Wicked Little Things
The Wicker Man

• No, no, no. This is the worst of the 70s remakes. Actually, Poseidon is the worst of the 70s remakes.

This is Where I List Perfectly Enjoyable Movies That I Didn’t Mention Anywhere Else:

13 Tzametti

• Would make a great triple feature right in between Hostel and They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? The “Money-is-the-root-of-all-fucked-up” trilogy.

Block Party
Bubble
Casino Royale
The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Happy Feet
The History Boys
Idiocracy

• Pretty disappointing given all the hype. A brilliant idea. The opening sequence is hilarious. The rest of the movie takes the easy way out. The ending is a complete cop-out, it goes broad when it should go subtle, and the narration smacks of post-production nonsense to me.

Inside Man

• Is this really anything more than a good heist movie? Gee, Denzel Washington sure is an upstanding dude. What a stretch for him.
  

Joyeux Noel
Lonesome Jim
Monster House
Mutual Appreciation
Quinceañera
The Proposition

• Why does the dude wait until the end to act? Why? WHY!? Other than that, incredibly jarring all around. How would my parents react? They would cry.

Renaissance
Shut Up and Sing

• What a dumbfuck! I am now a fan of the Dixie Chicks.
  

Sir, No Sir!
Stranger Than Fiction
This Movie is Not Yet Rated
Tsotsi
Volver
Why We Fight


Time Smells Like Listening Bloody, Quo? LUMBERJACK!
Inland Empire



Movies that Sucked (on one level or another)
American Dreamz

• Fantastic idea! The deterioration of American politics is directly related to America’s shitty taste in popular culture. Considering how shitty a movie this is, I’m surprised it didn’t do better.

Apocalypto

• Cliches present:
  
• Everyone shares a good laugh for the first thirty minutes. (In pure Gibson style, they all share a laugh at the expense of the sterile dude who can’t make babies. Ha, ha, ha.)
  
• Pregnant belly rubbing.
  
• Having a baby is the end-all happiest of endings. This birth is perhaps the most ludicrous ever captured on screen.
  
• Wacky stepparents.
  
• Is it just me, or did that girl who made the prophecy wander in from some other movie?
  
• The Gibson syndrome: Most of Gibson’s movies involve an upstanding family man having his home invaded by foreigners who rape and/or kill his family (Gibson must be getting soft. Here they just trap his family in a well.), thusly turning the man into a vengeance-thirsty martyr and one-man-killing-machine. This vengeance may often lead to a forced sense of patriotism. (Freedom!) There is often torture and murder involved by those eeevil foreigners (see Braveheart, The Patriot, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, hell – even The Passion of the Christ). Here, however, the peace-loving family man is invaded by members of his own race. Of course, as far as Mel Gibson goes, they’re all foreigners. It still counts.
  

Art School Confidential
The Black Dahlia
Blood Diamond

• Leo DiCaprio’s South African accent is the best thing about it.

Bobby
Cars
The Da Vinci Code
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls

• To quote a friend: “What a nightmare!” Could someone please love Jennifer Hudson and put her out of her misery?

Fast Food Nation

• The book wasn’t a narrative. Neither was the movie.

For Your Consideration
49 Up

• These kids are getting to that age where not much is happening.

Friends With Money

• My friend swears I saw this movie with her. I don’t remember a damn thing about it.
  

The Good German
The Good Shepherd

• A bunch of people stand perfectly still and speak in whispers for almost three hours. Every now and then, Angelina Jolie goes nuts and someone tells her to lower her voice! A thriller? I think not.

Hard Candy
The Illusionist
Jesus Camp

• I’m not a Christian, and I enjoy slanted documentaries, but come on! Why even pretend this thing is objective?

Jumping Off Bridges
The King
Kinky Boots
Let’s Go to Prison
Marie Antoinette

• Her forced relationship with Schwartzman is funny, but after watching her waste her time, eat a bunch of pastries, and then evolve into a dutiful, responsible wife who follows her husband as he shamefully escapes an angry mob . . . what was the point of this movie again?

Miami Vice
Mission Impossible III
The Night Listener
The Painted Veil
Poseidon
A Prairie Home Companion

• I don’t get it. Half of the movie is like watching a really good night at the Opry. The other half is watching Kevin Kline klutz it up backstage (look! He slammed his hand in the drawer again. Har! Har!) and Virginia Madsen awkwardly walking around aimlessly with a weird swish. The songs were cool.

The Pursuit of Happyness

• Oh my god. I HATED this thing!

The Queen

• She can’t cry for Princess Di, but she can cry for a deer. Get it? GET IT? That’s called SUBTLETY, folks. Didn’t Jessica Tandy already win an Oscar for this performance? Any movie where Tony Blair is depicted as a happening, modern dude is dubious.

Running Scared
Shortbus
Superman Returns
Sweet Land
Tideland
V for Vendetta

• So dude locks up chick and emotionally tortures her for who-knows-how-long in order to rid her of her fear. She gets scared that someone will recognize her, but they don’t because she has lost her fear.(?) She’s so grateful she joins dude’s cause – not because she’s politically aware, but because she’s lost her fear. But hey, it don’t matter. All those people who died for the cause? They’re alive again at the end. Woo-hoo! Yes, I know – they’re only symbolically alive, but since the whole thing is fiction, doesn’t it suck anyway?
  

Venus

• "Fucking shut it!"

World Trade Center

• Cliches present: Group hugs, tinkling pianos, flag waving, a general shittiness.

X-Men: The Last Stand

The Tick

The Tick

A superhero sitcom that aired on FOX in 2001.

The Set-Up: A rag-tag group of superheroes hang out and deal with the more mundane aspects of the superhero lifestyle – like renewing your hero license and dating chicks with a costume fetish. Patrick Warburton plays the Tick – doing his most deadpan uber-Adam West impression, spouting insanity like “Armless bandit... Empty your bladder of that bitter black urine men call coffee! It has its price and its price has been paid! Java devil, you are now my bitch.”

There are other actors. The only other one I’m familiar with is Nestor Carbonell, who plays Richard Alpert on Lost. Here, he plays Batmanuel. A horny, lazy, Latino take on Batman. It’s kind of like Mystery Men meets Seinfeld.

Typical episode: The heroes fall in with someone either weirder than themselves or more “normal” than themselves. Then they meet up at a café and discuss. Warburton’s character continues to be baffled by “the real world” as if he just landed on Earth – despite the fact that the real world depicted here is superhero-warped to begin with.

By the way, Arthur’s hero persona is “kind of a moth thing.”

Typical dialogue: When shown a picture of a naked woman, Warburton laughs, “This poor fellow has bosoms!”

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1: The Pilot. Directed by Barry Sonnenfeld who would go on to direct the pilot of Pushing Daisies. In the first episode, the Tick is tricked into leaving his post at a bus stop and falls in with Arthur, who has just quit his desk job to be a hero full time.
  
• 1.3: “Arthur, Interrupted” Arthur comes out to his family about being a superhero. They immediately ship him off to a superhero-detoxing institution run by twisted fuck Dave Foley. Lots of gay humor.
  
• 1.7: “The Funeral” A superhero named the Immortal dies. Lots of dead body humor.
  
• 1.8 “The Tick Vs. Justice” Batmanuel has a fender-bender with Destroyo in a parking garage and discovers his trunk is full of nuclear weapons. A trial ensues. Lots of Silence of the Lambs humor.
  
• 1.9: “The Big Leagues” The Tick and Arthur are asked to join an exclusive league of superheroes. Lots of bigotry humor.
  

Least Favorite:

• 1.6 “Couples” When Arthur and the Tick meet another crime-fighting duo, they must decide who is the hero and who is the sidekick. More gay humor. The other crime fighting duo (Fiery Blaze and Friendly Fire) is really annoying.
  

How many episodes were produced? 9

Is there much continuity? There’s not much need for continuity, but there is some very detailed continuity (specifically Batmanuel’s broken arm) between the first episode and the second episode (which never aired) – despite the fact that the second episode takes place a year after the first. Weird.

Why was it canceled? The show was crazy fucking weird. There is no way something like this could catch on. Besides Fox kept changing the time slot.

Was there closure? While the final episode doesn’t tie up any loose ends (there aren’t any to tie up), it does provide a natural conclusion to the issues brought up in the first episode. In the pilot, Arthur is struggling to find a place where he fits in. By this episode, he learns that he has already found that place.

Any unattended issues? Nope. Destroyo, Apocalypse Cow, and the Russian robot programmed to kill Jimmy Carter have all been dealt with. Although Captain Liberty’s “wanty” issues may never be put to rest. And I wonder why Warburton's character is the way he is, but that's just me.

The verdict: Very funny, very cleverly written show. It’s all held together by Warburton’s innocent, boisterous performance. But it is never more than skin deep. It doesn’t evolve and the premise does get old after a while. Excellent in small doses.

My 2007 TV-Watching Experience

My 2007 TV Watching Experience

I can’t finish my 2007 Film List until Persepolis and The Savages finally make it to Nashville. But I can make of list of cool TV I saw this year.


Day Break
Network: ABC
Initially, it aired on ABC in 2006, but it was canceled only a few episodes in. The rest of the series played out on ABC.com in early 2007. The fact that I had to sit thru interminable buffering and chase Internet connections around testifies to how much I like the show. A dense, labyrinthine mystery that involves a massive conspiracy, political intrigue, and supernatural/sci-fi overtones. And it still manages to devote a hefty amount of time to the character development. Supposedly, the DVD will reveal the writers’ aborted plans for season two.
Performances I liked:
Taye Diggs

Extras
Network: HBO
The only episode to air in 2007 was the final episode, but since its running length is nearly as long as an entire season, I’m going to count it. Especially since I only got around to watching the whole series this year. Ricky Gervais has definitely nailed the comedy of the uncomfortable. I really dug how this series dwelled in life’s failures, but without the very pointed satire, this show might be too depressing to watch. And nearly every episode ended on a melancholy note. Of course it helps to have Cat Stevens’ “Where the Children Play” as your closing credits song. While I think the ending of the final episode is a bit of a cop-out, I still the find the whole final episode sadly funny.
Performances I liked:
Ricky Gervais
Ashley Jensen



Friday Night Lights
Network: NBC
I watched the first season on DVD, and then started watching it “live” when the second season started. I found this show to be very depressing. The fortunes of every character rise and fall with the outcome of the next high school football game. What’s most depressing? Looking at the adults in town and realizing this is the most likely future for most of the students. The show rarely feels contrived or forced. Only in the final episode of the first season, does the show give in to some the sports movie/soap clichés that it had been keeping at arm’s length. The second season has a much more dramatic plot twist, but the show handles it well. And depressingly, of course. This show worked a minor miracle to get me interested in anything football-related. The ratings are still low. Will it get renewed for a third season?
Performances I liked:
Connie Britton
Kyle Chandler
Zach Gilford
Taylor Kitsch
Liz Mikel
Jesse Plemons


It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Network: F/X
The third season. I don’t think anyone else in the world likes this show. I have a devil of a time trying to watch it every week. I don’t have cable. ☹ A very dark, cynical comedy. The timing of the actors has gotten better with every season. This is the only show I watch with no (or at least a minimal) story arc – although the season ends with a bit of a “what if?” These characters mock the mentally impaired (or rappers as the case may be), set each other on fire, nearly chop a baby in half, and take to vigilante justice when “the streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless.” Hell, any quote from this show out of context is hella provocative. “I’m about to show you the white-hot cream of an eighth grade boy.” Is it wrong for me to want to hang out with these guys? It has yet to be renewed for a fourth season.
Performances I liked:
Charley Day
Danny DeVito
Glenn Howerton
Rob McElhenney
Kaitlin Olson


LOST
Network: ABC
There was a span of episodes when I became worried the awesomeness was gone. That unique sense of ominous menace, the carefully constructed revelations, the dark humor – it was all missing. And my boy John Locke was turning into too much of a fool. It was becoming dull. But then it picked up with Locke’s second flashback of the season and it was all back in full form. Usually, when advertisers say that everything is going to change, they’re talking out of their ass. But with the final episode, they really meant it here. I’m thrilled the show takes its characters to such dark places. The people who devised this show are ballsy motherfuckers. I’m so glad Lost exists.
Performances I liked:
Michael Emerson
Domonic Monaghan
Terry O’Quinn


Mad Men
Network: AMC
Set in 1960, this show revels in all the political incorrectness and sexism of the time. Highballs in the office, bullet bras, constant smoking, pushing dames around, and rooting for Nixon to win the election. And that final episode of the season, Christ! I liked the show up until then, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a baby conversation like that on TV. How awesome. This show fits nicely in the anti-hero drama genre. Except the entire world is anti-hero. It has been renewed for a second season. Woo-hoo!
Performances I Liked:
John Hamm
Elisabeth Moss



Reaper
Network: CW
The slacker version of Buffy, but the main characters don’t know how to fight. Hell, they barely know how to work a vacuum. And despite the light-hearted tone of the show, there’s a real darkness to it. The Devil can snap his fingers and a man is crushed by a Zamboni – trailing his blood across the ice. The ratings are low, but hopefully it will be renewed for a second season. I have to find out what Sam’s dad ripped out of the contract and burned. Ray Wise plays the Devil and he’s awesome.
Performances I liked:
Ray Wise


Stone Undercover
Network: NBC - originally some Canadian network.
This crime drama aired at 2:30 in the morning (or on Saturday night, however you prefer) for most of the year. And I became addicted to it. I can't tell you why. There is no justification. Maybe because it's about pursuing white collar criminals. Maybe I just liked having a show I had to catch at 2:30 in the morning. It can get pretty goofy and formulaic, but I enjoyed it while it lasted. Sadly, I missed the second part of a two-parter and now the show is gone. Now, I'll never know what happened with that ghost on the road! Aaaaggghh!


Veronica Mars
Network: CW
Veronica Mars may be the only show where I really like all the main characters. I mean I really like them. Even Lamb. So when something bad happens to them, I take it pretty hard. And a lot of bad stuff happened at the end. Alas, this stretch was by far the weakest of the series. Once the second arc of the season was solved, they did away with big mysteries altogether and it really affected the momentum. Regardless, those last two episodes were overwhelmingly emotional. Especially knowing that they would be the show’s last. As I watched I wondered how certain problems were possibly going to turn out okay. The ending is like a punch to the gut. Creator Rob Thomas truly believed the series would be renewed and wrote the final episode accordingly. I may be the only person in the world who thought the ending was awesome. It went out the same way it came in, on a very depressing note. There are no unresolved plot points, but it definitely leaves you with the feeling of life extended beyond the final moments.
Performances I liked:
Kristen Bell
Francis Capra
Enrico Colantoni


TV Shows I Enjoyed Watching, But Was Disappointed In

Dirty Sexy Money
Network: ABC
An absurd comedy-drama about an obscenely rich family and their lawyer, who is investigating his father’s death . . . or should I say murder. There are moments when it becomes way too sappy, and the musical cues are overly distracting, but the characters are crazy enough (Blair Underwood is a Russian?) and the plot interesting enough to keep me watching.
Performances I liked:
Seth Gabel
Peter Krause
Donald Sutherland


Drive
Network: Fox
An illegal road race across the country where characters follow clues from city to city. The show explored the pasts of the participants of the race and reveal why they had signed up in the first place. There seemed to be an ongoing mystery concerning the masterminds behind the race, but the show was canceled within ten days of airing. I saw the four episodes that aired.
Performances I liked:
Dylan Baker
Nathan Fillion

Flight of the Conchords
Network: HBO
I saw three or four episodes. I liked the dry humor, but the actors mugged for the camera too much during the musical numbers. Sometimes very funny. Sometimes groan inducing. I probably would have gotten more out of the running jokes if I watched it regularly, but I probably won’t.

Heroes
Network: NBC
The show runners do a great job of making this show look and feel like a comic. But not even Kristen Bell could solve the clunky plotting and disappointing set pieces (like the 1st season finale). A very inconsistent show. Very additive, but very frustrating.
Performances I liked:
Zachary Quinto

Pushing Daisies
Network: ABC
I’ve seen three episodes. It’s very pretty. And I like the light but dark tone. Still, it’s too light for me. Too whimsical. And despite the constant presence of death, it never struck me as really dealing with death. But now that I have an HD TV, I’ll try to make more of an effort to see it.

The Riches
Network: F/X
A group of traveling con artists take over a dead man’s identity and try to go legit. It sounded awesome, but it didn’t deliver. As con artists, they weren’t especially clever. They felt as if they were constantly out of their element -- skating by on luck far more than skill. And some of the more interesting angles (like their superstitions) seemed to fall away too fast. It wasn’t as fun watching them con people as it should have been. Still, I really liked the kids (I usually hate fucking kids!), and the ending was frustratingly cool.


Robin Hood
Network: BBC
I enjoyed this series a lot – up until about five minutes into the last episode. Suddenly, all the clever twists in my favorite legend began turning in on themselves in a desperate effort not to betray tradition. And the final shot nearly made me gag in my mouth. What the hell happened, Robin Hood? Up until then, it was pretty awesome.
Performances I liked:
Keith Allen
Jonas Armstrong


Other Shows;
Battlestar Galactica: Season Three has yet to hit DVD, so I have not yet caught up.
Five Days: I sat thru three episodes and stopped watching. There were only five episodes.
Jekyll was kind of dull. I saw one and a half episodes.
Torchwood was too British. I saw four or five episodes.
Traveler. I watches 1/2 of one episode. Unwatchable.
The Wire aired no new episodes in 2007.

A Boy and His Dog

My Bonnaroo Experience

Well, I am back from Bonnaroo. There were ups and downs. There was fun and unfun. As usual, I failed to extract as much fun from he experience as I possibly could, but I did made a good effort.

As I mentioned earlier, I went alone. I think it was a good thing. No one was there to be bring me down or talk about feelings or schedule my whole damn day. A plus. 

I got in about two-thirty, set up camp with my suck ass tent, and went on to see Janeane Gorafolo (kinda lame), The Sword (kinda neat) and Vampire Weekend (also neat). I also saw the art of such 'n such. Always a fun way to pass the time. I didn't do much that first night. I really should get into the spirit of things more.

One of my campsite neighbors was some dude from Minnesota who called me "Nashville." He saw me reading Watchmen and told me this story about his crackhead uncle (Tim?) stealing his other uncle's (Ted?) collection of comics and how he's always excited to see people reading because he has to read for work, and he has come to appreciate it. But when another campsite neighbor started playing "The Freshman" by the Verve on his guitar, Minnesota-Reader-With-Uncles exclaimed "That's my motherf*cking sh*t!" over and over. I suspect this assesment amounts to a compliment.

The next day, I saw Drive-By Truckers (pretty cool), Fiery Furnaces (not my 

thing), and Minus The Bear (neato) before heading over to the main stage for The Raconteurs - the first show of the festival that I really liked. Jack White is always fun, even when he seems a wee bit pissed. It was here that I discovered my phone was nearly dead - despite the fact that I charged it before leaving. 

Then I saw Willie Nelson (meh) and Chris Rock (very funny) before avoiding Metallica and the rain and heading back to my tent, which turned out to be A) not rain-proof and B) not rain-proof at all. I fell asleep in my tent and woke up to a heavy storm that deterred me  from venturing out to see My Morning Jacket. Instead I slept in my car. 

When i woke up the next morning, everything was grey and sucky. And my phone wa completely dead. Discovering there is a place to recharge phones in Centeroo, I go there bright and early, only to discover they don't open until noon. I am alerted by the useless staff that they may not have a charger for my particular phone. We will have to wait and see. And then the melancholy kicked in full blast.

I became overwhelmed with this nagging, terrifying feeling that something bad had happened, and my family was trying to contact me, but my phone was dead so I didn't know. And then the gray skies, rainy day, and (at this time of morning) mostly deserted Centeroo didn't help. I got in line at eight in the morning at the Fuse Barn (where the charging station was) and waited until noon. Due to the chaotic disorganization, I was not first in line, but it didn't matter since they did not have a charger for my phone. At this point, it was still raining and cold and grey. The depression was heavy. Later that day, I managed to get my phone up and working just long enough to discover I had no messages. Thank goodness my premonition was crap. I felt better after that. 

After sulking in my wet, cold, cloudy tent all morning, I went to see Against Me! Totally awesome. Even more awesome? The Avett Brothers. I *will* be buying their next album. That

at was, hands down, my favorite show of the festival. 

I rested up for the big night ahead, but the lure of the sunset and a brighter disposition called me back to Centeroo before I could get a nap in. I sat through the end of the Jack Johnson concert in order to see Peral Jam and ended up standing next to this dude named Benjamin. Benjamin was a little off. This is the fourth of eleven festivals he will be attending this year. He doesn't like Death Metal. When we shook hands, he pulled his away in a manner that made it seem as if he only just recalled that he is not allowed to touch others - mid-shake. At one point, a man in a sequined Santa Claus suite drifted by through the crowd. Benjamin called out, "Andrew!" The guy in the Santa suit *shunned* Benjamin, who took it in stride. How bizarre do you have to be for the guy wearing a sequined Santa Claus suit in 90 degree weather to pretend he doesn't know you? At that moment, Benjamin was awesome. So was Pearl Jam.

Kanye West, however, sucked. He went on at 4:30 in the morning - well after the 2:45 a.m. rescheduling, and when I saw the first two songs of his lame show (there is apparently a

 framing story involving his crashing on Earth in a spaceship), I went home. It was dawn at that point, so his glow-in-the-dark thing, useless. 

Also that night I saw Sigur Ros (awesome) . . . 

And a band called Dead Confederates (also awesome), whose set ended quite suddenly. 

The last day, I saw The Coup's acoustic set (fantastic), Rogue Wave, and Broken Social Scene (disappointing) before heading home early for my dad's birthday dinner.

>>The Birthday Dinner:

• I got him nothing, though my siblings (none of whom are his children) all got him gay gifts: The Bucket List on DVD, a card that plays a "chicken dance," (the chicken dance was demonstrated for those lucky enough to be in attendance) a book of quotes for old people, etc. They went on at length about a great musical they saw called "Menopause: The Musical!" Apparently it touched on *everything.* The only person not laughing was a fat woman in the audience. There were a lot of fat jokes and she couldn't see the humor in that. My 25 year old niece (or as I call her, Terror Incarnate) also loved this musical about menopause ("It touched on everything!"). Terror Incarnate's review of the new Indiana Jones movie: "It's got a very interesting twist that makes it . .  .different from the other movies." My nephew was watchign Inidana Jones and the Last Crusade on TV. I vividly remember him watching this movie as a kid and laughing approriously at the scene where eveyone thinks Indy is dead, but he walks up right behind them. Well, he laughed approriously again at the very same scene. I can't watch that svene without thinking, "This isn't funny. Why would that jerk think this is funny." Then my nephew told a story about a friend of his who foolishly tried to use a potato as a silencer on his gun. Instead, it was a stopper, and it caused the barrel to blow up. It would seem my nephew is smarter than his friends because he suspected the potato-as-silencer trick would go askew.
• I don't like hanging out with my family.
  Back to Bonnaroo<<>Once was there, and he said it was the highlight of Bonnaroo for him. I would have seen that show if I had realized they were there. He also said the Ghostland Observatory show was incredible. When he did an imitation of Ghostland's voice, I was doubtful, but he described how awesome it *looked* with all his fancy lasers and glow sticks and I wish I had seen that (rather than wait for Kanye West all night). He also told me he had hitchhiked to Bonnaroo, and at some point was picked up by someone who works for or with Kanye West. According to this dude per the other dude, Kanye lost $100,000 by appearing that late at night. I'm sure he still made plenty. 

The verdict: I have to learn to be more adventurous when attending Bonnaroo.

Side note: There was a lot of Bush-bashing. Garofalo, Pearl jam, Chris Rock, Broken Social Scene, Mike Biriglia, and more. 

All through Bonnaroo, I was a little paranoid that someone might steal my stuff. Instead, someone ripped off my mail at home. Three Netflix movies - gone. And the doorknob on my back door, heavily unscrewed. Either someone made a lame attempt to break in and stole my mail instead, or they stole my mail and made a lame attempt to make it look like someone tried to break in. I think my neighbors tried to rip me off. Jerks.

At least none of my crappy "camping equipment" was stolen. And at least my car didn't break down. And at least I wasn't mugged or raped.  I was also pleased to see that my apartment did not burn down / was not overrun with bugs in my absense. Woo-hoo!

Firefly

I have more than a few TV shows on DVD that ran for only a single season. I have decided it is high time I revisit them and spew some ephemera about each one in turn.

Firefly

A sci-fi show that aired on FOX in 2002.

The Set-Up: A rag-tag group of marauders eek out a living heisting items and smuggling them throughout the galaxy. In the first episode, the characters pick up some passengers (Simon, his sister River, and unrelated man-of-the-cloth Book) who ultimately join the crew and draw the attention of the Alliance (think the Empire from Star Wars). Apparently, taking on passengers was a bad experience because it never happens again throughout the series.

Typical episode: Taking a cue from The X-Files, there are two kinds of episodes. In the more typical kind, a heist/smuggling operation takes the crew of Serenity to a planet and they must interact with the local culture. These are the filler episodes. Surprisingly (for a sci-fi show set in space) the characters never encounter any aliens. Wise decision, I think.

The other episodes service the over-all arc of the show – involving the Alliance’s efforts to track down River and Simon.

My favorite episodes:

• 1.1: The Pilot, of course. It sets up the story. Introduces the backstory of Mal and Zoe, who fought together in the war against the Alliance.
  
• 1.3: “Bushwacked” This episode explores the idea of the Reavers, cannibalistic monsters who will “rape us to death, eat our flesh and sew our skins to their clothing. And if we're very, very lucky they'll do it in that order.” The Reavers will not appear in the show again until the movie that came later.
  
• 1.4: “Shindig” A filler episode that does a great job of letting all the characters shine. You really get a feel for the crew from this episode.
  
• 1.9: “Ariel” This episode pushes the Simon-and-River-on-the-run arc front and center. We learn more about what happened to River and why the Alliance is chasing them. This is also the first episode where we see how skilled everyone is at pulling off a heist.
  
• 1.12 “The Message” This episode explores the backstory of Mal and Zoe’s time as “Browncoats.” A genuinely sad episode. A bit awkward toward the end, and I think Tracy gets a bum rap, but I still liked it.
  
• 1.14 “Objects in Space” The final episode produced. River and Simon finally become part of the crew proper when a bounty hunter tracks them down.
  

The bottom of the barrel:

• 1.7 “Jaynestown” I can’t fucking stand the character of Jayne. Neither can any of the other characters. No one seems to like him and he has a history of betrayal. It defies all logic that the crew would keep him on. This episode is Jayne-centric and extremely goofy.
  

How many episodes were produced? 14

Why was it canceled? Fox was notoriously unsupportive of the show – airing the episodes out of order, if at all. The ratings were never high and the show was canceled after eleven episodes aired. The pilot was the last episode shown.

Was there closure? According to Wikipedia, Joss Whedon (Buffy) designed the show to run seven seasons, so there’s no way in hell it could have the kind of closure he hoped for. It does arrive somewhere, but to get any kind of real closure, you have to see Serenity, the movie that came later. There, you will find out all about the Reavers and what happened to River.

Any unattended issues? The character of Book. There are numerous hints and references to a mysterious past that never gets answered.

The verdict: It is a bit frustrating to encounter so many filler episodes on a show that didn’t run very long. Joss Whedon dialogue is always fun and does a great job of setting up clichés only to slap them down. The show goes to some very dark places, but never stops being light-hearted. The characters are likeable – with one exception. You get a sense that there was much more left to be explored, so there is some disappointment that it ended so soon, but overall, definitely worth checking out.

Me in a Nutshell

I would like to be a rock star, but I lack the talent, ability, charisma, looks, tools, stamina, fans, etc.

I like to eat pizza and Mexican food. But all my friends like to go to Ethiopian restaurants and places where they make me take off my hat and I have to pay twenty bucks for food I don’t like. Booooo!

I would like to do good things like help the poor and crap, but I get distracted by really important stuff like watching movies and sleeping and drinking. Mostly, I just say no when they ask me for money.

I don’t like relationships, because I don’t like to be emotionally available or present or care or have responsibility or answer the phone. Grammatically correct? Oh, well.

I like to go to movies at midnight. I also like to sit through to the end of the credits, but I always feel weird about it when I’m with someone.

I like to play drinking games and party games, but none of my friends do.

I hate getting stuck behind old people. Really slow old people.

I’ve never been to Dollywood or Six Flags.

I like to skateboard and swim and jog and hike. While juggling.

I am often restless and I get bored easily.

I want to go to more concerts.

If I go to a movie in the afternoon, I often get sleepy. If I drink a Red Bull beforehand, I stay awake, but I have to pee.

During the summer, I try to go white water rafting or canoeing or camping, but I rarely do. During the winter, I like to order pizza and watch movies at home.

I had to put my dog to sleep this last year. It was the suckiest thing ever and I get sad every time I think about it.

I’m uncomfortable around children.

I have a Ouija Board, but I’ve only used it once. During that one time, I discovered there were five ghosts by the five foot bookshelf.

I write stuff, but very little of it ever gets read.

I don’t like socks, but acknowledge they are necessary.

I always have something on hold at the library.

I like to watch French new wave films on gray winter afternoons.

I have one tattoo and I want another.

My oven doesn’t work.

I’ve been sleeping on a futon for over five years.

I get attached to characters on TV shows.

I try not to eat red meat or vegetables. I really hate fish. Yuck!

I stay up late.

I don’t believe in God and I get offended when Christian propaganda implies that I’m immoral because I don’t believe in the supernatural.

I use old school slang like “swell.”

I like it when the dudes at Smoothie King remember my name.

Sometimes, I find a cockroach in my apartment, but my nice-little-old-landlady doesn’t seem to believe me.

I like to meet new people, but I’m socially awkward.

I hate looking at pictures of myself.

I have trust issues. Sorry.

Some days, I’m just like fuck it, and I drink. A lot.

Anybody want to play Frisbee?

My Favorite Horror Movies

Why do horror movies rock so hard?

• Can you think of another genre that regularly deals with life and death? Good and evil? Sanity and insanity?
  
• Can you think of another genre that is all about being subversive?
  
• Can you think of another genre that has so many attractive teenagers running around half naked?
  
• Is death funny or what?
  
• Is there any other genre that works so hard at eliciting such visceral feelings from its audience 
  
• If it's not trying to make you jump and get under your skin, it's trying to make you vomit.
  
• Can you think of another genre that is as angry as horror movies?
  

I thought not!

My 13 favorite horror movies:


28 Days Later

• If I ever woke up from a coma and found myself in an apocalyptic world full of zombies – er, excuse me – infected persons, I would totally go around chopping up everyone with a machete. Even “sodiers.” Fuck ‘em all. Anarchy! ANARCHY!
• Other zombie movies: I Walked with a Zombie (Voo Doo Zombies), Night of the Living Dead (Cannibal Zombies), Dawn of the Dead (Satirical Zombies), Shaun of the Dead (Romantic Zombies), Land of the Dead (Talking Zombies) and the remake of Dawn of the Dead (Fast Zombies).

Alien

• If I ever woke up from a deep sleep and found myself on a salvage mission with a bunch of androids and aliens and chicks and pussies, I would totally shoot everyone to smithereens. Why not? Hell, I would have been on that escape pod the second we got a distress signal. Movie over.
• Other scary alien movies: um . . . The Thing?

An American Werewolf in London

• Being a werewolf is totally sexy. I got this dangerous side, but I need some chick to take care of me when I’m not all hairy. Plus my best friend is a really sarcastic zombie who keeps rotting away. The actual transformation looks like it hurts like a bitch, though. This movie is the sole reason I could ever tolerate a song by CCR, the Hootie and the Blowfish of their generation.
  
• Other werewolf movies: The Wolfman, Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein, Wolf.
  

The Blair Witch Project

• I would have totally brought, like, a compass or some shit. The girl is all Ahab and thinks she can save the movie in editing. Whatever. I’ve heard that before. At least I can hold a camera steady. This movie is like an episode of The Real World, but everybody dies at the end.
• Other witch movies: Um . . . The Wizard of Oz? Rosemary’s Baby.
  

Deliverance

• I am not going to let some inbred redneck rape me without kicking some ass. I would never have shot myself with a bow! Myself?! You know what’s scary? That thing hanging out of Burt Reynold’s pants. Gross!
  
• Other rape movies: I Spit on Your Grave, Rosemary’s Baby.
  

The Exorcist

• Twelve-year-old girls? Creepy as hell. Priests? Even creepier. Talking backwards? That fucked up vandalism on that statue? Masturbating with a crucifix? Awesome! What’s scarier than religion? Nothing! That chick was crazy. Science vs. the supernatural? Whatever. I want to rent Dominion, but Tower is closed now. Goddamn it.
• Other Satan movies: Rosemary’s Baby, The Omen, Legend.
  

The Haunting

• The original. Not that other thing with Catherine Zeta Jones and Owen Wilson. This one has some crazy chick who thinks the house likes her. She whines a lot and seems sexually baffled. The doors in this place are crazy wicked. I actually jumped the first time I saw it. I’m older now, so screw that.
  
• Other movies with The something in the title: The Shining, The Innocents, The Others, The Uninvited.
  

Jaws

• How awesome are sharks? Blood goes everywhere. Conspiracies abound! Now I know how to destroy a shark. All I need is a pistol and an oxygen tank. Boom! I’m killing everything that way from now on. Boom! Boom!
• Other conspiracy movies: The Parallax View, The Conversation, The China Syndrome, All the President’s Men.
  

Night of the Living Dead

• There was this show in the eighties called “Mad Movies with the L.A. Connection.” They would take public domain movies and dub over them. Kick ass! They did Living Dead as a surprise birthday party for that hysterical chick. The zombies outside who stumble around saying, “Surprise!” Totally funny. "Lock yo door. They'll want a tip!"
• Other birthday party movies: The Boys in the Band
  

Psycho

• This movie fucked me up. So I knew the cute chick with the sticky fingers was going to bite it, but I didn’t know dude was so messed up. And it like screwed with my head cause the corpse talked. But not really. What a crazy story. I wonder if I would notice if I went insane.
• Other movies from 1960 where the main chick gets stabbed halfway thru: Horror Hotel
  

Rosemary’s Baby

• As if being pregnant wasn’t scary enough. Now I have to worry about getting raped by Satan and birthing the antichrist. And old people are weird enough without being witches. Now I know why they smell funny and their food taste “chalky.” Roman Polanski puts his camera in weird places and I heard weird things. How does this movie not rock?
• Other creepy Roman Polanski movies: Repulsion, Cul-de-sac, Macbeth, The Tenant.

The Shining

• So this movie makes no damn sense, but it’s actually creepy. One of my favorite Christmas movies ever. Creepiest part: when Shelly Duvall is scrambling around all apeshit and she sees some dude getting oral sex (I think?) from some creep with an animal’s mask. WTF?!?! I’m not staying at that hotel! Second scariest part: the paintings on Scatman Crother’s walls.
• Other Stephen King adaptations: Carrie, Salem’s Lot, The Dead Zone, Stand by Me, The Shawshank Redemption.
  

The Silence of the Lambs

• The first time I saw this movie I started jumping around the room I loved it so much. People tossing sperm around willy nilly. Hannibal Lector is in the elevator. No, he’s wearing some dude’s face in the ambulance. Aaaaaghh! The FBI are at Buffalo Bill’s house. No, Jodie Foster is. Aaaarrggghhh! Creepy music everywhere. And everybody’s a little bit gay. Scariest movie ever. I could quote the whole damn thing. “Is she a great big fat person?”
• Other serial killer movies: Psycho, Se7en, Cape Fear.

Just for the hell of it, here is a list of performers who have received Oscar nominations for horror movies:

• Fredric March, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde (Winner!)
  
• Patty McCormick, The Bad Seed
  
• Eileen Heckart, The Bad Seed
  
• Nancy Kelly, The Bad Seed
  
• Janet Leigh, Psycho 
  
• Bette Davis, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?
  
• Victor Buono, Whatever happened to Baby Jane?
  
• Agnes Moorehead, Hush, Hush Sweet Charlotte
  
• Ruth Gordon, Rosemary’s Baby (Winner!)
  
• Ellen Burstyn, The Exorcist
  
• Jason Miller, The Exorcist
  
• Linda Blair, The Exorcist
  
• Sissy Spacek, Carrie
  
• Piper Laurie, Carrie
  
• Kathy Bates, Misery (Winner!)
  
• Anthony Hopkins, The Silence of the Lambs (Winner!)
  
• Jodie Foster, The Silence of the Lambs (Winner!)
  
• Robert DeNiro, Cape Fear
  
• Juliette Lewis, Cape Fear
  
• Haley Joel Osment, The Sixth Sense
  
• Toni Collette, The Sixth Sense
  
• Willem Dafoe, Shadow of the Vampire
  
• Johnny Depp, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street
  

Awesome Performances that Didn't Get Nominated

• Lon Chaney, Sr., The Phantom of the Opera
  
• Bela Lugosi, Dracula
  
• Boris Karloff, Frankenstein and The Bride of Frankenstein
  
• Colin Clive, Frankenstein
  
• Charles Laughton, Island of Lost Souls
  
• Claude Rains, The Invisible Man
  
• Ernest Thesiger, The Bride of Frankenstein 
  
• Lon Chaney, Jr., The Wolfman
  
• Maria Ouspenskaya, The Wolfman
  
• Boris Karloff, The Body Snatcher
  
• Robert Mitchum, Night of the Hunter
  
• Christopher Lee, The Horror of Dracula
  
• Peter Cushing, The Brides of Dracula
  
• Anthony Perkins, Psycho
  
• Deborah Kerr, The Innocents
  
• Julie Harris, The Haunting
  
• Catherine Deneuve, Repulsion
  
• Mia Farrow, Rosemary's Baby
  
• Boris Karloff, Targets
  
• Vincent Price, The Conqueror Worm
  
• Christopher Lee, The Wicker Man
  
• Burt Reynolds, Deliverance
  
• Jon Voight, Deliverance
  
• Roy Scheider, Jaws
  
• Richard Dreyfuss, Jaws
  
• Robert Shaw, Jaws
  
• Jack Nicholson, The Shining
  
• Shelly Duvall, The Shining
  
• Jonathan Pryce, Something Wicked This Way Comes
  
• Robert Englund, A Nightmare on Elm Street
  
• Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet
  
• Ted Levine, The Silence of the Lambs
  
• Gary Oldman, Bram Stoker's Dracula
  
• Morgan Freemon, Se7en
  
• Nicole Kidman, The Others
  
• Naomi Watts, Mulholland Drive