"Gritty movies? I like gritty movies?"
"No, you like movies that look dirty."
My Favorites12 and Holding
Unhappy twelve-year-olds. Awesome! Do they win the little league game? Do they befriend old man Jenkins? Do they learn to appreciate their well-meaning families? Not exactly. They pour piss on each other, burn each other to death, steal guns, go to jail, strip for adults, and lock their parents in the basement for starters. I’m glad Jeremy Renner is finally in a good movie.
Why does it rock? The heroes are bastards. Stylish violence. Teen angst.
What it teaches us: It sucks to be twelve.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “Some child is going to watch that and do the same thing!”*
*My mom's review of The Simpsons.
Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan
Not as insightful or satirical as it thinks it is, but the hotel scene! Pamela Anderson’s best performance ever! Some of the jokes are obvious, but any movie where this many people sue the filmmakers has to be awesome.
Why does it rock? Reality becomes fiction. And people get pissed off a lot. Irony.
What it teaches us: American bigots are surprisingly polite.
Life expectancy of main characters: Wait, are these people real?
How would my family react? They’ve already weighed in: “I don’t understand the point of someone walking around being a jerk. What’s the point? You know what’s good? The Guardian.”
Brick
I’d like to imagine my high school experience was like this. If I had seen movies like this or shows like Veronica Mars, I would have totally upped the angst factor in school. The best part? The foot chase. I’m hoping to train myself to talk like that all the time.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards. Stylish violence. Teen angst.
What it teaches us: Being in high school sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? They wouldn’t understand two lines.
Children of Men
The Mexicans are kicking our filmmaking asses. Dystopian movie futures rock. Alfonso Cuarón is now officially one of my favorite directors. The long, intense takes. The stakes. The depression. The desperation. And who to trust? So many loyalties. So complicated. And one of my new favorite endings: Foggy. Literally and figuratively.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards. Stylish violence.
What it teaches us: Everything sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “I never heard about any of this.”
The Departed
Martin Scorsese takes a break from making Oscar-friendly costume dramas (the best costume dramas around says I) and makes pure gangster gold. Boom! Who’s who? Who’s good? Who’s bad? Everybody! Boom! Trust no one. Not even yourself. I nearly named the whole damn cast in my favorite performances section. Violence begets violence begets – Fuck youz!
Why does it rock? Stylish violence. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: If you do your job right, it sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “My word! Do you ever watch anything without violence in it?”
The Descent
I saw this in theaters and was extremely disappointed by the ending. Really, this was totally going to make my list until the cop out, suck-balls ending. Then I saw it on DVD and . . . the ending was different. Avoid the theaters version (which is easy now that it’s out of theaters), and see it on DVD instead. Much better ending. Very claustrophobic, dark and creepy. None of the chicks get naked, but so it goes.
Why does it rock? Stylish violence.
What it teaches us: Losing your child sucks. So does getting eaten alive by cave-dwelling-crawlers.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “Oh, I don’t like scary movies. I’m going to bed.”
A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints
The modern parts are pretty mediocre, and a lot of what happens is predictable (strange how true stories are often the most formulaic), but the atmosphere, the acting, and the style is awesome. This was a hell of a year for teen angst in movies. Plus the kids are dirty a lot – as the picture shows.
Why does it rock? Teen angst.
What it teaches us: Being a poor kid sucks – especially with an overbearing parent.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
How would my parents react? “That boy should have listened to his father! Are you paying attention?”
Half Nelson
Who is going to teach these inner city kids about life and history? Oh, good. They hired a white dude. A white dude who’s hooked on heroin and can’t hold a single relationship with anyone his own age. I could watch Ryan Gosling wander around in a daze all day. Actually, that’s pretty much the whole movie.
Why does it rock? Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Things seem to suck less when you’re high, but really, it all still sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Iffy. It’s a bad neighborhood.
What would my parents think? “That man was a terrible teacher! None of your teachers at that New Mexico school were like that, were they?”
Little Children
The dysfunction-in-suburbia thing has kind of run its course, but this thing is so funny and stylish. The narration is a little startling and overbearing at first, but really hits its groove quick – turning a lot of the tragedy into something ironic. The whole cast is great. Haley’s relationship with his mom is especially pathetic! I love watching movies about unhappy people. Not as subtle or amazing as In The Bedroom, but it’s still awesome.
Why does it rock? Irony. Hot sex.
What it teaches us: That whole suburban family thing – it sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What my dad said about In The Bedroom: “That movie actually had a story!” What my dad said when Sissy Spacek slapped Marissa Tomei: “Good for her!”
Pan's Labyrinth
Part war film/part fantasy/part horror. Little girl surrounded by dark craziness retreats into a world of . . . dark craziness. The little girl isn't even annoying (unlike the brat in Tideland). The violence is messed up and super graphic. If I had to hang out with these adults, I'd get my dress muddy, too. What's scarier? Supernatural monsters or power-abusing soldiers? Generally, I would say the soldier, but that dude with the eyes in his hands - really damn creepy.
Whay does it rock? Stylish violence. (Pre-)teen angst. A general trippiness.
What it teaches us: It sucks to be a kid, but war sucks even more.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? "Where do you find these movies?"*
*My dad's review of Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
I am a sucker for the middle parts of trilogies. The characters have already been established (all that’s left to do is subvert them) and issues are left unresolved (like Elizabeth’s guilt). And the bad guys win! Only when a third movie is planned would a major studio release something like this. And these movies are so chock full of running jokes and subversive comments. Johnny Depp is fantastic again. The special effects look great. And the movie is generally darker than its predecessor (something I require from most of my sequels). Plus, I like to say “Summon the Kracken!” during awkward moments. Oh, and sword fights rule. Did you see that sword fight? Christ!
Why does it rock? Sword fights. A serialized story that doesn’t play catch-up with the audience. Irony. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Supernatural debt sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? “Back in my day, the hero didn’t die!”*
*My mom’s review of Armageddon.
The Prestige
Twisty, obsessive flick. Christopher Nolan is now one of my favorite directors. Supernatural? Sci-fi? Why tell a story in chronological order? How old school. And it’s got Tesla? Can a movie fail with Tesla?
Why does it rock? Non-chronological order. Heroes are bastards.
What it teaches us: Not being the best and living in some dude’s shadow sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? I would be stopping it every five minutes to explain what was happening.
United 93
This did not seem like a good idea to me. That one line is there, but they throw it away as best they can. It’s really the style that I appreciate. Watching the process of people reacting to 9/11. Nicely subtle. Amazingly, it doesn’t pander at all. And the ending doesn’t even cop out.
Why does it rock? Cause it doesn’t suck.
What it teaches us: Flying sucks.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
What would my parents think? They would be sad. :(
Favorite Direction for movies not already mentioned:
Darren Aronofsky (The Fountain)
Self-indulgent? Oh, yeah. But a hell of a trip. Deliberate and obtuse. Pretty. Elusive. My favorite part: When the conquistador first drinks some of the sap from the tree of life. I want to get high to this movie.
Life expectancy of main characters: It’s about the tree of life. What could go wrong?
Clint Eastwood (Letters from Iwo Jima)
Every now and then, just as I'm about to forget that World War II ever happened, some filmmaker (usually Spielberg) goes and makes a movie to remind me of it. They often claim this movie shows the war from a different perspective. They are lying. But this movie comes close - despite Eastwood's tinkling painos. It would make a good double feature with Downfall or Fires on the Plain, though I suppose it's supposed to be a double feature with that other Eastwood/Spielberg thing. Is he capable of making a period movie without a modern frame story? Apparently not.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
Alejandro Gonzelez Inarritu (Babel)
Too consciously set across many continents with many different nationalities in many different languages. And way too long. And it mostly devolves into a parade of human misery until it just gives up and rolls the credits. I’m not sure if it’s his direction or Rodrigo Prieto’s cinematography (which went unnominated) that I respond to. But something there is kinda working for me. His other movies were better though. Less self-important.
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
Richard Linklater (A Scanner Darkly)
The computer assisted animation looks great. The paranoia, the dopey conversations rival Waking Life, but there’s not much momentum to the story. That was fine for Waking Life, but isn’t this supposed to be a thriller?
Life expectancy of main characters: Not good.
Yimou Zhang (Curse of the Golden Flower)
Ninjas fucking rock. Especially when they fight like this. The movie never looks not amazing. The body count? Jesus! How much of that was CGI. This has to be seen to be believed. Family sucks, but they sure look pretty doing it. The plot is kinda convoluted, though. Still, ninjas. Lots of ninjas.
Life expectancy of main characters: Everything will be fine, kids.
Favorite Performances:
Favorite Brooding Performances:
Christian Bale (The Prestige)
Adam Beach (Flags of Our Fathers)
- Every now and then, just as I’m about to forget that World War II ever happened, some filmmaker (Spielberg) goes and makes a movie to remind me of it. They often claim this movie shows the war from a different perspective. They are lying. Regardless, I like Adam Beach and I’m glad he’s finally in a decent movie. If you’re making a movie, please cast Adam Beach.
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Departed)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick)
Ryan Gosling (Half Nelson)
- I could watch this dude brood all day long. Hell, I may add him to my top five.
Favorite Angsty Youth Performances:
Abigail Breslin (Little Miss Sunshine)
Jesse Camacho (12 and Holding)
Paul Dano (Little Miss Sunshine)
Conor Donovan (12 and Holding)
Shareeka Epps (Half Nelson)
Shia LeBouf (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints)
- This dude is the number one reason I’m going to see the Transformers movie.
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Brick)
- So good he transcends categories. He is now an actor I look forward to seeing in movies.
Channing Tatum (A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints)
Favorite Fucking Crazy Performances:
Annette Bening (Running with Scissors)
Gael Garcia Bernal (The Science of Sleep)
Sacha Baron Cohen (Borat)
Judi Dench (Notes on a Scandal)
- She’s lonely. She’s proud. She’s delusional. She’s evil. Barely able to contain her smile when her wicked plans fall into place. Bwahahaha. Put her in a room with Helen Mirren’s Queen Elizabeth and see which one comes out alive.
Edward Norton (Down in the Valley)
Forest Whitaker (The Last King of Scotland)
- I got nervous everytime he was onscreen. He's just as scary when he's grinning and joking as when he's grimacing, "Your death will be the first real thing to ever happen to you." Despite the incredible charisma of his performance, I don't understand why he's the favorite to win best actor. Even though he constantly upstages lead performer James McAvoy, he's still undeniabley in a supporting performance.
Favorite Anti-Hero Performances:
Johnny Depp (Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest)
Aaron Eckhert (Thank You for Smoking)
Al Gore (An Inconvenient Truth)
Patrick Wilson (Little Children)
Kate Winslet (Little Children)
Favorite Scene Stealers:
Jill Claburgh (Running with Scissors)
Jackie Earle Haley (Little Children)
- Still bad news, but with less hair. Same voice, though.
Bill Nighy (Dead Man’s Chest)
Mark Wahlberg (The Departed)
- “I'm the guy who does his job. You must be the other guy.”
As usual, I saw a lot of horror movies this year. Two notable ones I missed (on purpose): The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning and Silent Hill. I have commented on the ones I liked.
Horror Films
An American Haunting
- Incompetent.
- A remake of a far superior 70s film. See the original instead.
Dark Ride
Feast
- The result of the final Project Greenlight season. By far, the best of those movies. My favorite part: the life expectancy of each character. The low budget shows, but its wicked sense of humor makes up for it.
The Grudge 2
The Hamiltons
- I can’t wait to see this again. Really creepy. Shot in video for what looked like a zero budget. Teen angst and stylish violence. Directed by some dudes named The Butcher Brothers. When does it come out on DVD?
- My favorite of the 70s remakes. Perhaps this is because I have never seen the original. It’s a lot like Straw Dogs, except its philosophy of violence is considerably less black-and-white. And it’s got Aaron Stanford in it. He’s cool.
- My favorite of the torture porn movies. At least after the unbearable first act. It’s not just watching someone getting tortured. It’s watching someone get even. By the way, if you don’t like eye trauma, or things oozing from eyes, you might want to skip this one.
- Nearly shot-for-shot remake of a better 70s movie. Except instead of Gregory Peck, you get Liev Schreiber.
- Kristen Bell is in it. She’s okay. Movie bites though.
The Return
- I walked out of this a good ways in. I’m pretty sure I know what happens, but I’m not about to sit thru that again to find out if I’m right.
- Someone told me they thought the Saw movies were the best things modern horror had to offer. I told them to suck my cock.
Slither
- So disgusting. So funny. So awesome. So nasty.
Unrest
When a Stranger Calls
- Perhaps the worst of the 70s remakes.
The Wicker Man
- No, no, no. This is the worst of the 70s remakes. Actually, Poseidon is the worst of the 70s remakes.
This is Where I List Perfectly Enjoyable Movies That I Didn’t Mention Anywhere Else:
13 Tzametti
- Would make a great triple feature right in between Hostel and They Shoot Horses, Don’t They? The “Money-is-the-root-of-all-fucked-up” trilogy.
Bubble
Casino Royale
The Death of Mr. Lazarescu
The Devil and Daniel Johnston
Happy Feet
The History Boys
Idiocracy
- Pretty disappointing given all the hype. A brilliant idea. The opening sequence is hilarious. The rest of the movie takes the easy way out. The ending is a complete cop-out, it goes broad when it should go subtle, and the narration smacks of post-production nonsense to me.
- Is this really anything more than a good heist movie? Gee, Denzel Washington sure is an upstanding dude. What a stretch for him.
Lonesome Jim
Monster House
Mutual Appreciation
Quinceañera
The Proposition
- Why does the dude wait until the end to act? Why? WHY!? Other than that, incredibly jarring all around. How would my parents react? They would cry.
Shut Up and Sing
- What a dumbfuck! I am now a fan of the Dixie Chicks.
Stranger Than Fiction
This Movie is Not Yet Rated
Tsotsi
Volver
Why We Fight
Time Smells Like Listening Bloody, Quo? LUMBERJACK!
Inland Empire
Movies that Sucked (on one level or another)
American Dreamz
- Fantastic idea! The deterioration of American politics is directly related to America’s shitty taste in popular culture. Considering how shitty a movie this is, I’m surprised it didn’t do better.
- Cliches present:
- Everyone shares a good laugh for the first thirty minutes. (In pure Gibson style, they all share a laugh at the expense of the sterile dude who can’t make babies. Ha, ha, ha.)
- Pregnant belly rubbing.
- Having a baby is the end-all happiest of endings. This birth is perhaps the most ludicrous ever captured on screen.
- Wacky stepparents.
- Is it just me, or did that girl who made the prophecy wander in from some other movie?
- The Gibson syndrome: Most of Gibson’s movies involve an upstanding family man having his home invaded by foreigners who rape and/or kill his family (Gibson must be getting soft. Here they just trap his family in a well.), thusly turning the man into a vengeance-thirsty martyr and one-man-killing-machine. This vengeance may often lead to a forced sense of patriotism. (Freedom!) There is often torture and murder involved by those eeevil foreigners (see Braveheart, The Patriot, Lethal Weapon, Mad Max, hell – even The Passion of the Christ). Here, however, the peace-loving family man is invaded by members of his own race. Of course, as far as Mel Gibson goes, they’re all foreigners. It still counts.
Art School Confidential
The Black Dahlia
Blood Diamond
- Leo DiCaprio’s South African accent is the best thing about it.
Cars
The Da Vinci Code
The Devil Wears Prada
Dreamgirls
- To quote a friend: “What a nightmare!” Could someone please love Jennifer Hudson and put her out of her misery?
- The book wasn’t a narrative. Neither was the movie.
49 Up
- These kids are getting to that age where not much is happening.
- My friend swears I saw this movie with her. I don’t remember a damn thing about it.
The Good Shepherd
- A bunch of people stand perfectly still and speak in whispers for almost three hours. Every now and then, Angelina Jolie goes nuts and someone tells her to lower her voice! A thriller? I think not.
The Illusionist
Jesus Camp
- I’m not a Christian, and I enjoy slanted documentaries, but come on! Why even pretend this thing is objective?
The King
Kinky Boots
Let’s Go to Prison
Marie Antoinette
- Her forced relationship with Schwartzman is funny, but after watching her waste her time, eat a bunch of pastries, and then evolve into a dutiful, responsible wife who follows her husband as he shamefully escapes an angry mob . . . what was the point of this movie again?
Mission Impossible III
The Night Listener
The Painted Veil
Poseidon
A Prairie Home Companion
The Pursuit of Happyness
- I don’t get it. Half of the movie is like watching a really good night at the Opry. The other half is watching Kevin Kline klutz it up backstage (look! He slammed his hand in the drawer again. Har! Har!) and Virginia Madsen awkwardly walking around aimlessly with a weird swish. The songs were cool.
- Oh my god. I HATED this thing!
- She can’t cry for Princess Di, but she can cry for a deer. Get it? GET IT? That’s called SUBTLETY, folks. Didn’t Jessica Tandy already win an Oscar for this performance? Any movie where Tony Blair is depicted as a happening, modern dude is dubious.
Shortbus
Superman Returns
Sweet Land
Tideland
V for Vendetta
- So dude locks up chick and emotionally tortures her for who-knows-how-long in order to rid her of her fear. She gets scared that someone will recognize her, but they don’t because she has lost her fear.(?) She’s so grateful she joins dude’s cause – not because she’s politically aware, but because she’s lost her fear. But hey, it don’t matter. All those people who died for the cause? They’re alive again at the end. Woo-hoo! Yes, I know – they’re only symbolically alive, but since the whole thing is fiction, doesn’t it suck anyway?
- "Fucking shut it!"
- Cliches present: Group hugs, tinkling pianos, flag waving, a general shittiness.
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