Zombie on Fire

God is Dead Part 2

Judgment Day: Intelligent Design on Trial

• “Science and religion should ultimately be in harmony, but that doesn’t make faith a scientific proposition. I think, as many religious people do, that faith and reason are both gifts from God.”
• A modern day INHERIT THE WIND. This documentary is exceptionally even-handed. It carefully considers the argument that intelligent design is not a science, which was the argument in trial. While the trial was not specifically about the legitimacy of religion, it really kind of is. The movie does not paint those arguing for Intelligent Design as deceptive and shady. They do that themselves – proudly. The highlight: trying to argue proof in the courtroom for Intelligent Design. What a spectacular train wreck.

Phantasm

• “You think that when you die, you go to Heaven? You come to us!”
• This movie doesn’t deal with religion directly. It involves life-after-death in that bodies are stolen to be reused as zombies. The afterlife is more of a dimension operated by these beings which are not supernatural as much as unearthly. Like many horror movies, it subverts religion and highlights the scary supernatural. But otherwise, it’s toothless as a bit of atheist criticism.

“Tales From the Black Freighter”

• “There is no Heaven. Believe me, sir. I would know by now.”
• A soldier returns from combat – fearful of the supernatural forces racing him. Most of what he sees is in his head, so it’s hard to know whether the ending is real or not. Still, like Phantasm, it subverts the idea of life-after-death leading to an eternal Shangri-La. It’s not necessarily atheist to suggest that Heaven is a crock, but to suggest Hell in any form undermines any atheist agenda the movie may or may not have.

Videodrome

• “That taping mechanism is all self-contained. You don’t have to do anything, but hallucinate.”
• A local film critic asserted to me that atheism in films is reflected in how they deal with death. For example, if death is presented as being for the greater good, it’s not atheist. It’s an interesting point, but it strikes me as an aesthetic whereas I’m focused more on content and subtext. David Cronenberg is an admitted atheist who states that he believes death is the end. There is nothing after that. The only movie of his where I really get a feel for that in atheist terms is Videodrome, in which a character is seduced into committing suicide for a higher reward. “Don’t be afraid to let your body die.” But after he dies, the audience is left with the corpse – sitting lifeless and decidedly unrewarded.

Wise Blood

• “I’m a preacher from the Church of Truth Without Christ. It’s protestant.”
• Late era John Huston. I don’t know if this movie is really saying all that much about God, as much as it’s saying something about zealotry. Although when one character turns to God, he is left with an extreme emptiness. Religion does not fill the void for everyone. Even those who want it the most.
  
• Random trivia: John Huston was an atheist.
  

Disney Films Part 3

ALICE IN WONDERLAND

Film: This is the movie Walt himself had been wanting to make for forever. He had been talking out of doing this film for Disney’s return to feature length story-telling (opting to do Cinderella instead). It’s a good thing because Alice bombed at the box office.

Plot: A young person who talks to animals follows a mysterious someone underground . . . where a civilization of people in mime make-up with robot farmers use him to inseminate all the women . . . I may have this plot confused with A BOY AND HIS DOG.

Nature of Villain’s Death: I suppose the villain is the mannish Queen of Hearts – even though she doesn’t make her first appearance until over an hour into the movie. She does not die however as much as she, and the entire court, slips into non-existence as Alice wakes up from her nap.

Nature of Songs: Most of the songs aspire to mimic the nonsense logic and wordplay of Lewis Carroll’s source material, but is so watered down for the kiddies, most of the ambiguity and cleverness is neutered. Except for that song about the flowers. That’s just more of the same soporific shit from before.

My Favorite Moment: Clearly the most interesting character is the Chesire Cat. But while there should be something sinister about him, he mostly just comes off as frustratingly unhelpful.

However, there’s something wonderfully creepy about the cards painting the roses blood-red. Slapping the red paint around willy nilly. It’s very much like imagery from a horror movie to see trails of red dripping across the lawn. The threat of being beheaded hanging over each of the characters involved. There’s a darkness there that seems unintentional and unsettling in it. When the Queens screams “Off with their heads!” she is greeted with cheers. The Queen smiles and basks in the bloodthirsty approval.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Alice opens a small box with mysterious food and a note that reads “Eat me.” How time has changed the meaning of that particular phrase. I also find Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum’s schtick pretty embarrassing. They speak in goofy voices, honk when they bounce on their asses, and tell terrible jokes.

Political Agenda: The movie seems to imply that curiosity and travel are pointless, absurd, and detrimental to a good education. It is safer and more practical to sit and listen to your mother (or older sister or private tutor or whoever the hell that is) read stiff text books all afternoon.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: It was famously mined for one of their role-playing games, KINGDOM HEARTS.

Verdict: Alice is the first heroine not to sit around longing for a boy to come along. She doesn’t seem to care about boys once during her entire adventure. Instead, she just longs for the world to be different. She wants up to be down and down to backwards. Compared to Snow White and Cinderella, this is downright Communist! But whereas Cinderella padded its story shamelessly, Alice plows through its events with relentless drive – not even bothering to properly introduce any of its characters or linger for more than three minutes with any character other than Alice.

Like Fantasia, Alice in Wonderland gained a wider audience later on when many became more interested in head films, surrealism, and absurd humor. In each new episode, Alice is asked to eat something strange or drinking something strange. This movie could not be made today without most audience members reading something about drug use into the action.

Regardless, Alice is such a blank slate meant only to observe one bizarre situation after another that it is impossible to care much about the tacked on lesson she learns in the end. There’s absolutely no point-of-view to this movie. Only a workman-like tour through Wonderland.



PETER PAN

Film: The second Disney flick in a row to feature a young girl longing to go to another world, and then doing so. Only to find that she really wants to come back home.

Plot: A boy sneaks into a children’s nursery, gives the children inside “fairy dust” and then kidnaps them. He takes them to an isolated island populated by a savages, sirens and killers. He introduces them to the other children he has drugged and kidnapped. Soon, the band of killers tracks them down and a violent confrontation ensues. The children insists on being taken home and the boy kidnapper relents and reunites them with their abusive father.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Hook doesn’t die – as much as he’s banished to narrowingly escaping the crocodile’s jaws as they swim into the distance.

Nature of Songs: Generally, the songs are choir-heavy lullabies or rhyme-heavy novelty songs. Mostly, they involve sugary Hallmark card level bon mots of wonder. “When there’s a smile in your heart, there’s no better time to start . . .” And then there’s that one song I’ll get to in a moment.

My Favorite Moment: The sword fight at the end – despite the fact that it lacks much suspense and relies too much on silly humor. But out of this, my favorite moment is the single cut to the Crocodile splashing the water as the children singing their taunting song at Captain Hook. It’s the one bit of humor that’s stylish and just slapstick.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The entire depiction of the Native Americans. The worst moment being “What Makes the Red Man Red.” I know the casual racism is considered of its time, but did no one working on the movie stop and say, “Hey! An entire race of people might find this offensive.” I’m sure it was (and still is) viewed as complimentary and good-natured in the context of the movie.

Political Agenda: “A jealous female can be tricked into anything.” This line sums up most of everything about the movie. Every girl in the movie is depicted as jealous of Peter Pan’s attentions – despite the fact that Pan treats all the women like crap. He’s callous and self-absorber, so of course all the women fight over him.

Competition at the time: Russia began doing a lot if animated film around this time, but I haven’t seen any of them.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Two sequels that were actually released to theaters over fifty years later.

Verdict: Peter Pan always puts me to sleep. As usual, I had to go back and rewatch some scenes. There was some beautiful animation – particularly in the beginning. It seems though that once they arrive in Neverland, the detailed animation suffers. I do appreciate how the film deals with the theme of never growing up. It’ll happen when it’s supposed to happen. Peter Pan is not punished for not growing up. And Wendy does not decide that it’s time to grow up. She accepts that she must, but she is not forced to. It’s a nice balancing act. But it’s all superficial. The conflicts within the movie have nothing to do with growing up or staying young. It doesn’t really amount to much. For an adventure story, it’s too dull.

Despite the title character being a boy, this is very much Wendy’s story. At this point, Disney became obsessed with the passing wants of the young girl. At least, Wendy doesn’t move in with Peter Pan and live happily ever after.

Sometimes offensive, always dull. Never engaging. Another story about a rich girl who has nothing better to do than pine and moan for nothing in particular. Thumbs down.



LADY AND THE TRAMP

Film: The first Disney movie to be based on a unpublished story. Also the first to be filmed in cinemascope. It was very successful financially and has come into very high regard in the years since.

Plot: DOGGIES!

Nature of Villain’s Death: Aunt Sarah and her Siamese cats are the villains, but they don’t die. Nothing at all happens to them. No comeuppance whatsoever. The rat that sneaks into the nursery however, gets decimated by Tramp.

Nature of Songs: Other than the song at the beginning, this movie features a sharp departure from the music that had come before. This becomes clear during the song that Lady sings inside her head. A single voice. Sparse and emotional. Instantly I liked it so much more than what had come before.

Most (if not all) of the songs were written by Peggy Lee. Some were even sung by Peggy Lee – including the torch song “He’s a Tramp,” which I would consider a highlight of the film.

My Favorite Moment: I think my favorite moments are Peggy Lee’s “He’s a Tramp” and the part where Tramp gives Lady his philosophy on life. He explains how he spends each night of the week with a different family. He has so many different families, but “None of them have me.” It’s a philosophy that I personally subscribe to.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The racial stereotyping. The two Siamese cats. And the dogs in the pound – which include a Russian, German and Mexican.

Political Agenda: The movie implies that despite being a vagabond and rover at heart, every loner really wants to settle down and have kids. Despite not showing any desire at all to settle down with Lady. Tramp suddenly does in the coda of the movie. He has a family, and enjoys Christmas Eve with them. It’s disgusting.

Competition at the time: The British animated ANIMAL FARM. Much darker than anything Disney was doing at this time. I’m not sure how it did at the box office, but I know that Lady and the Tramp did better.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was made almost fifty years later.

Verdict: First off, I need to point out that the DVD I received from Netflix is not letterboxed. This movie is in cinemascope. Fucker should be letterboxed. Disney’s style was getting better and better with each film. They took advantage of the cinemascope plane by using wider angles. The animators also became more detail-oriented with their backgrounds. This movie has a very realistic look to it.

It’s too sentimental by far. The scene in the pound features a montage of doggies sitting around with tears in their eyes – miserable. The cutesiness factor is off the charts even early on when Lady refuses to go to bed.

So it’s cute and sweet. It looks great. And it has a message that even the most restless of us just want to settle down and procreate. I never before realized how much I dislike this movie.



SLEEPING BEAUTY

Film: An expensive flop for Disney. The last animated fairy tale Disney made before his death. It did not go over well at the time.

Plot: A rich baby is born. An entire kingdom pretends to care. Various witches and fairies show up to rhyme at the baby in lieu of bringing gifts. Then three raging fairies kidnap the girl and show her how awesome being a peasant is. She grows up and her stench attracts all the animals in the kingdom to her. She is sexually assaulted by a stranger while being inappropriate with the wild life. She likes it. Crazy bitch finds the girl. Crazy bitch induces a coma in the girl The fairies drug everyone in the kingdom. The sexual assailant finds the crazy bitch and kills her with the help of the fairies. He then takes advantage of coma girl. Hey live happily ever after.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Maleficent. Stabbed through the heart with a sword and falls off a cliff. It’s about time they got back to killing the villain.

Nature of Songs: More choir-heavy love songs. All dreamy lovey shit. As one of the fairies makes her spell on Sleeping Beauty, the choir chimes in, “For True Love Conquers All.” The only exception is the song performed by the kings – about how awesome it will be when their kids get married and their kingdoms unite.

My Favorite Moment: Some of the interplay between the fairies is quite good. It turns out they are legitimate characters with relatable personalities. One such bit of dialogue: “It looks awful.” “That’s because it’s on you, dear.”

The shot of Aurora passed out on the floor is pretty jarring.

But the best part is Maleficent’s transformation into the dragon. A beautiful bit of dark fantasy animation and gripping drama. “Now shall you deal with me . . . and all the powers of Hell!” And she rises through the clouds to reveal herself as a dragon. Kick ass.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: By far, it’s the scene of Aurora and Philip meeting in the forest and dancing together. Once again, true love is decided at first sight.

Political Agenda: If there’s any political agenda here, it’s about class. Oh, the outrage at marrying a peasant! This is a movie about how rich people are destined to marry other rich people.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: The characters were used in various Mickey’s House of whatever projects.

Verdict: This movie looks amazing. It was a distinct change from the style that had come previously. All sharp edges and stylized lighting. The animators also made brilliant use of the widescreen. At times, it is jaw-dropping. Also chaning: how the characters move. There’s no longer the same kind of heaviness to the movement.

The writers also did a great job of expanding the plot. It’s not just drawn out with extended song and dance numbers. There are twists. There are numerous developed characters. There’s a real sense of danger is Maleficent’s anger and power. In general, the story-telling is much stronger than it had been. For instance, when the fairies find Philip’s hat on the floor and instantly deduce that Maleficent has been there and kidnapped Philip. They’re smart and they make the leap without any exposition.

In a way, Sleeping Beauty is the reverse of Peter Pan. This is a boy’s movie disguised as a girl’s movie. The trick in adapting this story is to figure out how to deal with a protagonist that’s asleep for most of the story. The answer: make the prince the protagonist. As a result, the climax features a sword fight with a motherfucking dragon. Not just some chick biting an apple.

There is a darkness here that had not been in previous fairy tale films. This movie was a massive leap forward on all levels, and it’s a shame that Disney lost so much money on it initially. The best of the fairy tale Disney movies up to this point.



101 DALMATIONS

Film: The first of Disney’s films to have a contemporary setting. Also one of the few to revolve around poor people. The movie and its intricate visual design was made possible with the use of Xerox. It was a huge hit – both commercially and critically. When it was re-released in 1991, I remember it making at least $70 million.

Plot: Doggies! Plus an evil bitch. Doggies win!

Nature of Villain’s Death: No death. She totals her car, but that’s it.

Nature of Songs: Sparse. The jazzy “Cruella De Vil” is the highlights. An ode to stylish villainy.

My Favorite Moment: When the maid realizes that the men who broke into the house stole, not the silverware, but the puppies. She screams into the street. It’s a powerful and emotional moment.

Also, my favorite puppy is Lucky, who has to be dragged away from the television.

The hide and go seek chase through the ghost town is very suspenseful – despite the fact that Cruella willfully ignores 101 Labradors.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The puppies getting milk from a cow’s utter. It’s cringe-inducing in a good way. “The little darlings!”

Political Agenda: Clearly, the movie is for animal rights. That is up front and center. Secondly, it is one of the few Disney movies to not feature the troubles of the rich and famous. In the end, the poor family comes into money, but it’s almost as a way to insure that they can take care of 101 Dalmatians rather than some divine reward for being good and proper or some shit.

Competition at the time: Not much going on that I recognize.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Not only did Disney make a sequel, they also made a live action remake – and a sequel to the remake.

Verdict: Very sixties from the jazzy score to the detailed and cluttered cut and paste look. The animators borrow from Warner Brothers’ playbook and only suggest backgrounds without completely filling them in. There is a refined, more adult humor. And they don’t rely soley on animals doing cutesy shit to gain audience sympathy. The human characters are interesting and well done. Most of the animals have distinct personalities.

There is real suspense in the Dalmations exodus through the snow and menace in De Vil’s character despite her bafoonish antics. Cruella De Vil is one of Disney’s best villains. The hard angles in her cheeks. The gratuitous coat. The black and white hair. The angry rasp in her voice. Disney was firing on all cylanders with this one. This may be one of the very bets of Disney’s animated movies.



THE SWORD IN THE STONE

Film: Disney mines THE ONCE AND FUTURE KING for a few easily recognizable names and events and builds a movie around nothing. The film did decently, but is now often neglected.

Plot: A boy falls in with a creepy old man. The old man stalks the boy. He insists on teaching the boy about love and nature. When the boy decides he wants to do his own thing, the creepy old man blows his top. The boy becomes king through magic and a willful suspension of disbelief by everyone in England.

Nature of Villain’s Death: There is no villain. As there is no conflict.

Nature of Songs: For the first time, an opening song was not sung by a choir, but a single voice and guitar. Immediately, I was grateful for the change. However, the rest of the songs are novelty teaching songs sung by Merlin. The songs are sparse and about as useless and out of place and intolerable as everything else in the movie.

My Favorite Moment: The wizard’s duel – hands down. Merlin and Madame Mim change into various animals in an attempt to one up and ultimately kill each other. It’s a cleverly choreographed bit of fanciful magic and twists. Merlin wins the duel by playing smarter – not stronger.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The many different voices of young Arthur. It really is jarring to hear his voice change so often.

Political Agenda: Once again, Happiness is equated with wealth and power. Merlin spends the bulk of the movie arguing that Arthur needs to pursue his education in order to fulfill his destiny, but in the end, it is fate that picks Arthur out of the crowd. Perhaps the education, which never seems very effective, could help Arthur in the long run, but the movie stops short of any such suggestion. It seems to suggest that those who should rise, will – because fate dictates it.

Competition at the time: Mr. Magoo’s Christmas Carol, Hey There, It’s Yogi Bear!, Return to Oz, Pinocchio In Outer Space, The Smurfs and the Magic Flute, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, and The Man Called Flintstone.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Oddly enough, they’ve left his one alone. Despite the fact that the rest of ONCE AND FUTURE KING is just sitting there – waiting to be adapted. Hopefully better.

Verdict: The movement of the characters is cumbersome in a way that’s not at all natural. The style is changing and I blame Wolfgang Rotherman, the director of all the Disney films through the sixties and seventies. They all feature this strange style of movement. I never really liked it much.

The scene when Arthur reveals to the female squirrel that he’s not a squirrel is an excellent twist on how love had been presented up to this point in Disney films. Love at first sight was often treated as the last word in love in these Disney films. Here, that is beautifully undermined.

Self-moving mops and brooms are a recurring image after Fantasia and Sleeping Beauty.

The problem with The Sword in the Stone is the plotting. There is a lack of impetus or conflict. The movie is nothing more than a parade of failed lessons by Merlin with little to no pay off. Merlin’s departure is too calculated and random to feel natural. It is clearly a device meant to leave Arthur alone for the final act – despite the fact that all Arthur does is pull the sword from the stone. There is no indication that his time with Merlin made this possible. As a result, the ending is rushed and has nothing to do with the rest of the movie. The deus ex machina seems to deliberately undercut Merlin’s entire argument. With this lack of conflict, coherence, or character, The Sword in the Stone remains easily forgettable and pointless.



THE JUNGLE BOOK

Film: The last film that Walt worked on before his death. Reportedly, he handed the book to the story editors and told them that the first thing he wants them to do is not read the book. It was a huge hit and remains beloved by many.

Plot: Wolves raising a young man cub get bored with the whiny little shit and ask a panther to take him to the edge of the jungle and eat him . . . or something. The panther and the man cub run into a bear, who also wants to eat him. They play nice for a while – pretending they both don’t want to eat the man cub. Then a snake is like “Fuck it. I’m eating him.” It doesn’t work. Then a tiger is like, “Fuck you all. I’m eating him.” Also, some monkeys tries to sexually assault him. In the end, he learns the value of friendship and togetherness, but racing after the hot chick at the edge of the jungle is way more important than that shit.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No death. He just runs off with fire tied to his tail.

Nature of Songs: Jungle jazz. When I was only two or three, I had an audio cassette of Disney tunes. It featured both “The Bare Necessities” and “I Wanna Be Like You.” Both of these songs feature a lot of odd grunting and bizarre slang. A lot of the sounds are meant to evoke some kind of sixties hipsterdom, but really it’s just weird and disconcerting.

My Favorite Moment: I like any scee with Kaa. There is a creepy pedophilic tone to his scenes. The scene between Kaa and Shere Khan is pure genius. I always love a scene between two villains – trying to out-evil each other.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Again, it’s the racial stereotypes. Watching the scenes with the monkees is very uncomfortable.

Also the deus ex machina of lightning creating fire just when Mowgli needs it most. As with the Sword in the Stone before, this scene does not grow out of what happened before. It just happens – effectively negating everything that came before.

Also, the blatant rip off of MARTY by bad Beatles impersonations feels more like a lack of imagination than an in-joke.

Political Agenda: It seems to promote segregation. This came at a time when the civil rights movement was in full effect. Mowgli is clearly not meant for the jungle. For his own good. He has to be with his own kind. This is nature’s way, you see. Any other way will result in violence.

And then, to drive home the point about domesticity, the chick at the end sings about cooking and having a husband and kids. Apparently, that's what civilized people do.

Competition at the time: Yellow Submarine. The Asterix Movies. Yellow Submarine.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They turned it into an animated series a little over twenty years later. Tailspin. But it only takes the characters and transports them to a world set in the 1930s – completely populated by anthropomorphic animals. Weird.

Verdict: Again, it doesn’t build. His character development (which comes out of nowhere) is dictated by is attraction to a random girl. He seems to learn how important his friends are, only to ditch them instantly. The movie coasts entirely on the personalities of the voice actors. It is episodic and every scene is detached from each previous scene. Even the relationship between Baloo and Mowgli is instant and unchanging. All in all, uninvolving and too much of its time.



THE ARISTOCATS

Film: A mash up of elements from 101 Dalmations and Lady and the Tramp. It was a big hit.

Plot: Animals are named in a will. Poor guy gets jealous and, being poor, he is also evil. He kidnaps the animals, but they get away and come back. He tries to kidnap them again and all hell breaks loose.

Nature of Villain’s Death: None.

Nature of Songs: Faux French, mostly. The highlight, of course, is “Everybody Wants to be a Cat.”

My Favorite Moment: Most of the movie is, as one character calls it, “Sissy stuff.” The one scene I like is an odd moment. It involves the villainous butler trying to steal back his hat and umbrella from two dogs. It has been well established by this point in the movie that human beings cannot hear the animals talking. Yet here, he acts as if the animals are people. He even pauses and remains quiet when the two dogs talk amongst themselves. It’s very surreal and out of place. In this moment, as the movie breaks its own rules temporarily, I was fascinated. Otherwise, not at all.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The geese. “Think goose!” It’s a terrible desperate joke. The animation is rock bottom awful (the characters are badly superimposed on the background).

Also in the running, the lead cat’s learning to be less of an independent spirit and stating, “[The children] need . . . sort of . . .a father around.” Gag.

Political Agenda: As with Lady and the Tramp, this movie is about how even the most independent of loners really, really wants to settle down and have a family. And while wealth plays a large part in Lady and the Tramp’s politics, it plays an even bigger part here.

Competition at the time: A Boy Named Charlie Brown, Fritz the Cat.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was planned, but it never came to fruition.

Verdict: The movie is trying too hard to be 101 Dalmations divided by Lady and the Tramp. I’m pretty sick of movies about people living in mansions. Also sick of childish animals being cute. I’m sick of all these movies.

My Favorite Concerts of the Last Ten Years

It was hard to narrow it down to a decent number. I decided that these are the fourteen essentials. I plan to see a show this weekend, so unless it knocks my socks off, this is the final list.

Ark Attack/One Eyed Doll, Dragon*Con, 2009

• Ark Attack: making music with lightning. And One-Eyed Doll with the crazy fully-in-character act complete with the mostly mute “Number Three.”

David Bazan, Grimey’s, 2009

• A small, intimate show. He was very candid with the audience.

Garth Brooks, Roy Acuff Theater, 2001

• This was the first event I had been to after 9/11 that didn’t feature a big American Flag center stage. It was also a welcome change of pace to hear someone talking peacenik. Garth Brooks playing guitar on the left. Anthony Zerbe reading passages from a memoir on the right. The highlights was his playing “Belleau Wood” one of my favorite songs.

The Coup, Bonnaroo, 2008

• Only the main two members were present as the rest of the band was at church. Boots came out and performed the first song a cappella. For the rest of the set, their manager and booking agent came out and played instruments. Boots Riley then did a country version of ShoYoAss”. It was epic.

The Dillinger Escape Plan, Bonnaroo, 2009

• I always try to push my way to the front of the crowd. In this case, I found myself in the middle of a spontaneous mosh pit.

The Flaming Lips, Bonnaroo, 2007

• I walked out of a Flight of the Conchords show and stumbled on this insane sight. Giant puppets moving through the crowd, confetti, lasers, giant glowing balls rolling across the crowd, crowd surfing, a giant video screen. Also, pot.

Ben Folds, Uptown Mix, 2002

• Ben Folds is also in the running for the artist I’ve seen the most. This outdoor concert remains my favorite of his. My future roommate hitched a ride home with us. We managed to get everyone in the car despite the fact that I had six girls in it. I used to have a harem. What happened?

Green Day, Gaylord Theater, 2005

• I very rarely go to stadium shows, but for this one, I had pushed my way so far up, it was like a small space – but with a huge crowd surrounding us. Crowd surfing, mosh pits, audience participation. And non-stop Bush-bashing greeted with wild cheers from the enthusiastic crowd. Something I was very happy to hear at the time. Still am, really.

How I Became the Bomb, USN, 2006

• Not really a concert. A different, more awesome event. But they were performing, and they were incredibly nice to me.

Jeffrey Lewis, Grimey’s, 2008

• There was less than ten people at this one. He and I made eye contact during a song. Afterwards, he mentioned how awkward it is to make eye contact with the audience. It was awkward on my end, too.

Conor Oberst, The Ryman, 2008

• Conor Oberst/Bright Eyes is in the running for the artist I’ve seen in concert the most. Twice at the Ryman, once at Bonnaroo, and once at Grimey’s. But his most recent appearance at the Ryman is my favorite. I had a great seat. He seemed to be in a good mood (and sober), and he joked about how someone had mistaken him for a Christian music fan.

Pearl Jam, Bonnaroo, 2008

• While I was waiting for the show to start, this guy named Benjamin started talking to me. Benjamin was a little off, but he was fun to talk to. While we’re talking, Benjamin shouts to someone he knows making his way through the crowd. This guy was dressed in a full Santa Claus suit. In ninety-something degree weather. The guy in the Santa suit pushes his way past without acknowledging Benjamin. When the guy dressed as Santa in ninety degree weather pretends he doesn’t know you, something is wrong. The show was good, too.

Radiohead, Bonnaroo, 2006

• According to one Radiohead superfan, this show was the longest that Radiohead ever performed. It had been a long day and my back was hurting, but it was worth it.

Jason White, 3^rd and Lindsley, 2001

• Another artist contending for the most seen by myself. This was the first show of his I attended. He added an extra verse to “At the Alibi”.

And the rest that I was seriously considering.

• Abney Park
• The Avett Brothers
• Against Me!
• Beck
• Bright Eyes
• My friend Don
• The Killers
• M.C. Homocide
• Nickel Creek
• Nine Inch Nails
• The Queers
• Sigur Ros
• Spoon
• Tool
• The White Stripes

More Disney Movie-Watching

SALUDOS AMIGOS

Film: Licking its wounds from one expensive feature after another, Disney opted to go a cheaper route for the next few years. Anthology films. In this particular case, Disney was allowed Government money to go to South America and do research for a project. It turned into two projects. This very short feature and The Three Caballeros. It also earned quite a bit a bit of money in South America – an overseas market Disney needed since Europe was engaged in war at the moment.

Plot: A voice over narrates all the boring shit there is to do in South America. Donald Duck and Goofy fall down a lot.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A

Nature of Songs: Indigenous. Samba – inspired.

My Favorite Moment: The punch line to Pedro’s story. An anthropomorphized plane that risks his life to deliver the mail. The mail is important. His job is important. He flies through dangerous conditions and nearly dies. Upon delivering the mail, the voice over takes note of what’s in the bag Pedro is delivering. A postcard – in Spanish – that reads “Wish you were here.” “Well, it could have been important!” quips the Narrator.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Everything else.

Political Agenda: To glorify South America by apparently mocking it.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel of sorts was made just a year later.

Verdict: Crap.

THE THREE CABALLEROS

Film: Disney tried to replicate the success of Saludos Amigos. Instead, we got this critical bomb which Disney himself hated.

Plot: For Donald Duck’s birthday, he gets a lot of cheap shit, which serves as excuses to make up crazy shit about South America and Latin America. And Mexico.

Nature of Villain’s Death: N/A.

Nature of Songs: Alternating rhythmic and travelogue ballad. Samba dance numbers and “Brazil” itself.

My Favorite Moment: The post-modern narration of the flying Burrito is pretty awesome. The Narrator, an older version of the young man in the short, argues with his younger self – prompting him to do what the Narrator remembers. And the last few lines are a nice twist on one’s expectations of first person narratives in general.

I also dig the Arucuan bird – although it could stand to be a little anarchic or chaotic or destructive or something. Right now it just putters around like some Brechtian force of nature.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The poor integration of animation and live action is sad. Also the dance number in the book/street is desperate in its need to entertain. It makes Brazil appear to be one big street party.

Also, the caricatures of Jose Carioco and Panchito are sadly typical in their sterotypes – sporting pistolas and spurs. They leer at women and hit every cliché imaginable. And it’s hard not to giggle every time they refer to themselves as “gay caballeros.” The Christmas-in-Mexico also makes me groan in its sudden earnestness. You know, this whole movie kinda sucks. This is strictly travelogue level shit.

Political Agenda: To make money by exploiting Latino talent.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: They mined footage from it to open DONALD DUCK PRESENTS, a Disney Channel shorts program in the eighties. And apparently, they brought the characters back for HOUSE OF MOUSE – whatever the hell that is.

Verdict: It’s kind of psychedelic. A head film. But lame and dull.

MAKE MINE MUSIC

Film: One of a handful of quasi-sequels to Fantasia. A much shorter anthology film of animated sequences based on music. Unlike Fantasia, most of the music is based on popular songs of the time rather than classical music - the exception being the “Peter and the Wolf” segment.

Plot: Some segments are highly literal – such as the “Casey at Bat” segment, which is Looney Tunes-lite in its exaggerated sports-themed slapstick. Some are frustratingly abstract.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The only villain is the wolf in the “Peter and the Wolf” segment, and he doesn’t die. I have no idea why not.

Nature of Songs: Unrelenting. It oscillates between sappy love ballads and bouncy nursery rhymes.

My Favorite Moment: I really like the wolf from the “Peter and the Wolf” segment. It’s legitimately creepy. And some of the shots are highly evocative – despite being undermined by some repetitive bits of animation and lousy comic relief. However, I think my favorite moment takes place during the jazzy “All the Cats Join in”. As a gaggle of teenagers in bobby socks race through the streets, they slow down just long enough to creep innocently past a police car.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The “Without You” song is so dull and visually stiff that I can’t believe it even made the final cut. It’s as if someone spilled a bunch of watercolors and took photographs of the colors spilling and bleeding together into an ugly mess at random intervals.

Although the “Two Silhouettes” is worse. Pretty much exactly what the title says. The song is generic. The ballet dancing is sad and half-assed – even in silhouette form. The whole segment is amateurish. It’s not just filler, it’s an assault on anyone who gave this movie the benefit of their time.

Political Agenda: To bore everyone to death!

Competition at the time: Decency.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: As far as I can tell, they pretty much left this one alone.

Verdict: Some of the animation is bold and beautiful to look at in this film. But far too much of it feels like a cheap knock-off when compared to Fantasia, and how can you not compare? There are some stand-out segments (my favorite being “All the Cats Join In”), but there is far too much filler. It doesn’t take its time, but I’m thankful that it doesn’t linger any longer than it does.

FUN AND FANCY FREE

Film: The first of two movies Disney did that was basically two short films mashed together. In this case, the rather famous “Mickey and the Beanstalk” and the lesser known “Bongo”.

Plot: Jiminy Cricket breaks into someone’s house, goes through their books, plays with their toys, turns on their radio, then sneaks across the street and peeks in the neighbor’s window – where a decrepit man with two puppets tells stories to a early version of Jonbenet Ramsey. What a fucking creep.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The Giant from the “Mickey and the Beanstalk” section falls from a great height. However, he shows up again at the end of the movie – outside of the story. SO, I guess that nullifies the death.

Nature of Songs: Early on, all the songs revolve around being fun and fancy free in some form. “Fun and Fancy Free,” “Oh, What a Happy Day,” etc. Really, almost all the songs are like that. Even the Giant’s “Fee-Fi_Fo-Fum” song.

My Favorite Moment: There are a few. There’s a nifty moment near the beginning of the “Bongo” story. As Bongo finishes his act in the center ring of the circus, he backs out of the spotlight – waving and bowing and grinning. As soon as he enters the shadows, a shackle is clasped around his neck. Immediately, Bongo slumps down, defeated. A nicely heartbreaking twist.

Jiminy Cricket quips early on, “The end of the world’s been coming since nineteen hundred and three. That’s B.C. of course.”

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Most of the schtick of watching Bongo run “fun and fancy free” in the forest is awful. “Bongo was discouraged,” laments the Narrator. It’s dull and slapstick-tastic. But what’s worse is he becomes infatuated with a girl bear and chases her playfully through the forest. “This must be Heaven!” sings the Narrator. This followed by a montage of heart-shaped crap and pink clouds and every overreaching visual exclamation of love imaginable. He hasn’t actually spoken to this girl bear or anything, but HOLY SHIT! It’s LOVE! What follows is a tale of sexy domestic violence and alpha male posturing to win the heart of the girl while bears line dance. Ugh.

And THEN, we have to sit through Edgar Bergin’s ventriloquist act as they trade groan-inducing barbs. Makes me long for the days when W.C. Fields fed Charlie McCarthy to his alligators.

Political Agenda: The Bongo section is about how important it is to beat the crap out of a total stranger in order to win the heart of a much sexier complete stranger. Blech. The Mickey and the Beanstalk section is about how important magic is to maintain economic stability in the community.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: One could argue that the “Mickey and the Beanstalk” portion opened the door for more half hour Mickey Mouse stories. Almost forty years after this came “Mickey’s Christmas Carol” – which featured the Giant as the Ghost of Christmas Present and Jiminy Cricket as the Ghost of Christmas Past. Less than a decade after that came, “The Prince and the Pauper”. As far as I know, that was it.

Verdict: The “Mickey and the Beanstalk” section is miles better than the “Bongo” section, which is BEARly worth mentioning. Anything with Donald Duck losing his shit is a winner. There’s some decent action and comedy in the “Beanstalk” section (including the shot of Mickey riding the cork out the window). And since the characters are already established, and have actual personalities, it is much easier to care about the “Beanstalk” section. But ultimately, neither section does anything spectacular.

MELODY TIME

Film: Yet another anthology film of musically inspired short animations that tests the patience of the audience.

Plot: Bing Crosby opens a book, sings, rhymes, etc. He says it here; it shows up on the screen there. It goes on like this until Roy Rogers shows up. He then does what Bing Crosby was doing.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No such luck.

Nature of Songs: The songs during the “Johnny Appleseed” segment are infuriating. “The Lord’s Been Good to Me” “There’s a Lot of Work to Do” . It’s worse than fucking church.

My Favorite Moment: I guess the “Bumblebee Boogie” section, which is mercifully short. But I’m stretching to find anything about this movie to recommend.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Johnny Appleseed’s song about how good the Lord has been to him and he owes him so much. This particular religious attitude pisses me off – cause any rewards he achieves is not attained through hard work. IN fact, the absurdly colloquial narrator in “Johnny Appleseed”, and everything else about that section, just irritates me irrationally and makes my teeth ache.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: The “Johnny Appleseed” section was repackaged into Disney’s American Legends film – a collection of Disney shorts about American legends.

Verdict: They repeat a bit where someone is about to go over a waterfall and has to be rescued directly from the “Bongo” section of Fun and Fancy Free. In fact, the entire movie feels like a repeat. A distant, sad echo of the previous few Disney films. There’s even a direct callback short to The Three Caballeros. There’s far too much religious imagery – not just in the “Johnny Appleseed” section, but throughout. At the end of one section, a tree is framed to form a cross against the sky. A waste.

THE ADVENTURES OF ICHABOD AND MR. TOAD

Film: This movie is the second of Disney’s attempts to shove two longer short films together into a single movie. The reasoning behind this particular pairing is apparently based on the fact that both stories feature interesting literary personalities. This movie is a bit of a dry-run before jumping into feature-length story-telling once again with Disney’s next feature.

Plot: Books fly off a bookshelf – inspiring Basil Rathbone and Bing Crosby to narrate stories. The first, “The Wind in the Willows”, follows Thaddeus Toad as he goes from craze to craze – being irresponsible, breaking out of prison, etc.

In the second, “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow”, some skinny dude moves to town, uses the women to get food, then dumps them all for a local vixen who plays with men’s emotions. As he woos the girl, a sexy butch guy also vies for her affection. The men torture each other while the vixen encourages it. Then one night, the sexy butch guy vaguely threatens the skinny dude with a ghost story. That night, one jerk loses to the hands of another jerk.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The villain rides away. He gets married and lives happily ever after. It’s the hero that may or may not be dead.

Nature of Songs: I am so fucking sick of the Andrews Sisters harmonizing. Anyway, the songs in the first section are generally about being lackadaisical and impetuous and whatnot (“Nowhere in Particular”). The songs in the second section are more traditional – save for Bing Crosby’s “The Headless Horseman,” an upbeat song of death and ghostly revenge.

My Favorite Moment: The extended chase sequence between Ichabod and the Headless Horseman, one of Disney’s scariest villains. That shot of the Headless Horseman, rearing back on his horse. A sword in one hand, a flaming jack-o-lantern in the other. That shot is rivaled only by the shot of the flaming pumpkin flying at the screen. An honestly creepy segment that I love to revisit every Halloween.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Mostly it’s the lame music. 40’s pop is not something I love.

Political Agenda: Strangely, it is easy to interpret the agenda as might makes right. As Brom Bones seems to succeed in bullying Ichabod into leaving town.

A surprisingly dark ending for a Disney film.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Most of the characters from “Wind in the Willows” were mined for “Mickey’s Christmas Carol”. And the weasels were later used in Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Verdict: To be honest, Ichabod isn’t exactly a likeable character to begin with. He is only nice to others in order to get food from them. He steals. And he’s the kind of asshole that everything seems to come easily for. I always liked Brom Bones much, much more. Despite the fact that he’s clearly a bully who’s strategy to win the girl is to humiliate the other suitor. But he lays his cards on the table. Ichabod, on the other hand, plays innocent despite actions to the contrary. So it’s ballsy on Disney’s part to follow the story of two jerks fighting, and subverting the ending so that the apparently bigger jerk wins. Of course, none of the characters are likeable. Even the girl plays the boys ruthlessly – pitting them against each other. Audiences will most likely side with Ichabod since he’s the title character, since we spend more time with him than we do Brom Bones. But Bones is clearly the sexier, younger character. Anyone would be hard pressed to come up with why Ichabod should in the girl over any other character. Generally, all Disney heroes (Donald Duck being the obvious exception) are of such unquestionable goodness and righteousness, they should be dipped in bronze from the word go. Not here. Even the “Wind in the Willows” section portrays Toad as someone who is flawed, impulsive and has more than he deserves. But it is “The Legend of Sleepy Hollow” that resonates the better. This section reduces the wooing of a girl to its most animalistic, basest actions. And for once, I like it.

CINDERELLA

Film: Disney’s return. After almost a decade of short anthology packages, Disney finally returned to feature length story-telling. Putting everything on the line once again, and it was a hit. The animation is not as involved or complex as Disney’s earlier features, but it looks spectacular.

Plot: Girl hates her family, but loves rodents. She hopes a man will come and take her away. She gets gussied up despite sibling rivalry. Thanks to magical intervention, she climbs around in fruit and dances with a dude who is the ultimate take-me-away-from-all-this-type. People try on shoes and ride away in a carriage.

Nature of Villain’s Death: She doesn’t die. The smirk gets wiped off her face, but that’s about it.

Nature of Songs: “So This is Love” “A Dream is a Wish You’re Heart Makes” “Bippity-Boppity-Boo.” Cutesy, sappy nonsense that I am absolutely sick of. There’s also a song called “The Work Song” about how fun it is to work. Who the fuck was writing this crap?

My Favorite Moment: The Evil Stepmother, in general, is pretty awesome. Her sneering from the shadows. Petting her pussy. “Hold your tongue!” She snaps wickedly The most obvious joke comes as she corrects her daughters on a point of grace, “Above all, self-control.” As someone knocks on the door, she slams her hands on the keys of a piano and snaps “YES?”. It’s a moment that works despite its obviousness..

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The opening song. I’m really really hating this mellow, Andrews Sisters-inspired harmonizing shit. Also, I hate the mice. Their cutesy voices. I want to stomp them!

I also cringe when Cinderella, rushing to meet her destined curfew, tells the nice young man that she has to leave because she hasn’t met the prince yet. Clearly, it’s a calculated moment meant to a) remind the audience that she doesn’t know she just spent the evening dancing with the Prince and b) illustrate how unselfish Cinderella is. She just wanted to dance with someone. Anyone. And for that, she is magically rewarded with wealth, a promising sex life, and escape from a life that the audience knows is wrong for Cinderella, even is she herself has come to accept it. How disgusting. Perhaps we should build a giant sculpture to celebrate her modesty. Would that be enough to satisfy the moral overlords? Keep your dreams reasonable and pure and you’ll be rewarded ten-fold.

Political Agenda: It’s best for women to be suffering ad quiet and meek. That way a dude will magically show up and take her away after only a single dance. No conversation needed!

Filler: The extended mice vs. cat scenes are Warner Bros-lite. And Lucifer is no Sylvester.

Competition at the time: Zilch.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: A sequel was produced in 2002, and another in 2007.

Verdict: So far, both Disney heroines have attracted all types of vermin to them. What exactly is Dinsey saying about dames? Cinderella has considerably more personality than Snow White. She chastises the cat playfully and reacts with real affection and frustration toward her step-family. However, the step-sisters are so broadly drawn – even for a cartoon. The Prince, on the other hand, has no personality whatsoever. There is nothing shared between him and Cinderalla other than the dance. No wooing at all. So far, all love in Disney movies have been a matter of love-at-first-sight. Love is never unrequited. And love lasts forever. I honestly believe it’s a dangerous message to be reinforcing.

The conflict between the cat and the mice is frustrating. Why couldn’t they have infused the main characters with that much personality? Although the climactic scene in which the animals race to Cinderella’s rescue was well done. Disney would of course come back to this again and again.

But really, what is Disney saying about class? Cinderella is a girl who came from the upper crust, was reduced to being a servant, and then married back into the upper crust while the step-siblings are depicted as filth who are never worthy of the inheritance they chanced into. Apparently, if you’re born rich, you’re privy to your very own fairy godmother who comes in and helps you out whenever it’s fucking convenient for her. This movie reinforces the status quo through and through. It’s not just enough that only certain people have the right to see their dreams come true. But only certain people have the right to dream at all.

Ultimately, it is so fucking girly. I can’t take it. The look. The story. The stakes. It’s all girly shit. And I can’t imagine that many girls (or poor people) would put up with it. The story doesn’t warrant a movie that lasts more than twenty minutes. Disney padded it ruthlessly anyway. Unfortunately, rather than padding it with anything that fleshes out its human characters (you know, the characters that audience is asked to care about), it spends an inordinate amount of time with the comic relief – which is neither comical, nor relieving.

The Horrors of Reaganism

My Favorite Shows of the Decade

ABSOLUTE FAVORITES

So here’s my own personal list of my favorite shows of the last decade.

Favorite Shows Still On Air

Breaking Bad

I’ve always liked anti-heroes and villains more than stand-up good guys. I don’t know where this show will ultimately go, but the first two seasons have been excellent.

It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia

The humor in the early seasons was more pointed and focused, but the timing and characterization from the later seasons keeps it going strong. There are duds here and there, but its highs are excellent. One of the only shows I watch with no ongoing story. Almost all the comedies I like revolve around failure and embarrassment.

LOST

No other show has engaged me the way this one does. Unless it completely drops the ball and does something awful, I suspect that it will ultimately be my favorite show of all time.

Mad Men

Assuming it gets picked up for a fourth season. I’m not really a big Don Draper fan. He seems like a big bully to me. It’s all the characters around him that fascinate me. And it looks incredible in HD. If I didn’t watch it in HD, I don’t know if I would love it as much.

The Venture Brothers

It borrows from and subverts some of my favorite cartoons as a kid – namely Jonny Quest and Scooby Doo. I don’t know if I really feel like it’s going somewhere specific, but I love the expansive cast of characters and complicated plots.

Favorite Shows I Enjoyed From Beginning To End

Arrested Development

I feel like this show ended at just the right time. It started to get just a little too silly and broad for me, but I loved the dry absurdity.

Carnivale

It’s very esoteric, but I’m okay with that. It looks, sounds, feels amazing. The entire cast is incredible. The cinematography is gorgeous. The creepiness is off the charts. I really wish it had gotten a proper run.

Daybreak

For a show that takes place over two days, it is crazy complex. Luckily, the network allowed them to finish out the season properly despite canceling the show before they were done shooting and knowing that it would never air on the network. (I watched the remainder of the season on ABC.com.

Extras

Shattered dreams are so funny. I can watch graphic horror movies without flinching, but I have to cover my eyes when I watch this show.

Freaks and Geeks

I saw the last few episodes of its run and thought it was very sweet. I identified much more with the freaks than the geeks. I wish this and Veronica Mars had been around while I was in high school.

The Office (UK)

I never got into the American version, but I hear people are actually getting married and not getting fired in that version. Lame.

Six Feet Under

During the fourth season, it felt as if the show was spinning its wheels too much, but it came back with a vengeance during the final season. My favorite remains the third – which was the most depressing. Bonus: my favorite opening title sequence ever.

Veronica Mars

I kind of like cliffhanger endings and unresolved stuff, so the ending doesn’t bother me, but I really miss the characters a lot. My favorite season is the second. The labyrinthine mystery, the darkness, Kirsten Bell.

Favorite Shows That Lost Me Along The Way

Battlestar Galactica

The characters were too inconsistent at times, and I was one of those that felt let down by the ending. I wasn’t totally on board all along the way, and I was relying on the ending to put some of my misgivings in perspective. FAIL.

Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I probably enjoyed the sixth season best – despite hating the finale for that season, but I never really LOVED the show. I still haven’t seen every episode. It excels at building a history with the characters and calling on that when it needs to. Otherwise, it’s a bit too snarky for me.

Friday Night Lights

I loved the first season – except for that finale. If a show can actually get me to care about sports, it’s performing miracles.

Malcolm in the Middle

I loved the first two seasons, but the show never grew along with the characters. They seemed to be trapped at twelve perpetually.

Nip/Tuck

I loved the second season of this show. I thought it was the perfect blend of trashy and dark and funny. After that, it just felt like a bore despite the over-the-top grotesquery parade.

Oz

Much of this show never made any damn sense, but I had to tune in and find out who was going to die every week. There was a moment in the final season that totally reduced me to tears. Mentally impaired Cyril is going to be executed by the state, and all the prisoners in Emerald City go back to their cells, close the doors, and bang on the glass in protest. The only time that all the prisoners came together over something. I’m getting a little teary eyed thinking about it now, so I’m going to move on.

The West Wing

The first two seasons are such a warm fuzzy fantasy of what politics should be like. It almost makes me interested in politics. During the third and fourth seasons, I felt like the show repeated itself too much and never followed through on some of the plotlines it set up – letting most of them fizzle out. I stopped watching after Sorkin left.

The Shows I Caught Exclusively on DVD

Firefly

It took a while for me to warm to this show, but I enjoy it. Knowing that it would ultimately fizzle out kind of dampened my enthusiasm for it, though.

The Shield

The season with Glenn Close was a bore, but all the other seasons were tense and visceral and infuriating. I generally don’t like cop shows, but cop shows don’t usually show warts like these.

Skins

I’m kind of a sucker for dark teen dramas. I’ve seen the first two seasons of this show and love the characters. Some episodes are too sitcom-like, but the show is not afraid to go to some dark and darkly comical places. I don’t know if I’ll like the third season now that it will focus on different characters.

Shows That Never Grabbed Despite Everyone’s Telling Me They Should

Futurama

It always felt like Simpsons-lite to me. I mean, Jurassic Bark is sad and all, but the show never grabbed me.

The Sopranos

I’m not that into gangster shit. I thought the first two seasons were interesting mostly because of the psychiatry angle, but seemed to settle into being just another gangster epic after that. I think The Godfather and Goodfellas are great, but most other gangster stories always feel like echoes of those to me.

The Wire

Not into cop shows. This one focused on and empathized with the criminals more than most, but ultimately there were still too many cop show conventions for my taste. They get taken off the case once a season. There’s too many cops who want to prevent them from solving the case because of contrived reasons. And McNulty is just too fucking obnoxious. I enjoyed the fourth season quite a bit, though. Mostly because it was McNulty-free, and often felt more like a dark teen drama than a cop show.

Disney Movies Pt 1

I am going to attempt to watch as many hand drawn animated Disney films as I can before their latest, The Princess and the Frog. And I'm going to attempt to do so in chronological order. Here are the first six and a half that I have watched.

*Pinocchio also counts as one of the movies that has most influenced me in my taste, so this post is serving a double purpose.

SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS

Film: Disney’s Folly. This movie was a huge gamble for Disney. The entire future of his studio rested on this movie. A full length cartoon had never been before. Many thought audiences could not sit still long enough for a cartoon more than seven minutes long. But it was a huge success and kept Disney afloat for the next decade.

Plot: A pubescent girl spends her days singing about boys until one day a pedophile trespasses on her property and sings with her. Her guardian decides to do the world a favor and off the young girl, but the creepy hitman lets her go. The girl escapes into the woods where her fowl stench attracts every rodent for miles. With the animals trailing her, she breaks into a stranger’s house and, unable to contribute in any other way, cleans the shit out of the place. She then crawls into the beds of seven different men and waits for them. The men come home, leer at her, and force her to entertain them in an endless party while she cleans more and more. The next day, the guardian tracks down the girl and offers her a sweet apple. The rodents attracted by the young girl’s unrelenting stench, attack the guardian. The seven creepy men race home and chase the guardian off a cliff. The young girl, now in a coma, is incased in glass by the seven men who stare at her until the pedophile comes along and takes advantage of her while in her catatonic state. She comes to just as he abducts her.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Death by a fall caused by lightning.

Nature of Songs: Almost all the songs are meant to reinforce the status quo. From a girl’s longing to have a man take her away (”Some Day My Prince Will Come”, “I’m Wishing”) to the joys of work (“Heigh Ho”, “Whistle While You Work”, “The Hand-Washing Song”). And all the songs suck.

My Favorite Moment: The Queen’s transformation into a witch. Taken straight from Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde, the dark imagery and foreboding score is the only source of menace in the entire movie. Although the witch’s kicking a bucket at a rotting skeleton is pretty awesome as well.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: When Snow White wistfully hypothesizes that the seven children who live in the cottage are orphans, a baby deer moves to its mother and they cuddle. I mean there’s telegraphing a point, then there’s rubbing it in. Then, beyond those things, there are moments like this.

Political Agenda: The movie very much plays up the traditional role of the woman as homemaker – waiting to be swept away by a man. The only actions Snow White takes is to clean, sing, stumble, and fall into a coma. She flutters around with her hands up, giggling and cooking and singing until her prince carries her away – that is when she’s not praying to God for people to like her. The Queen had the right idea. Any movie that dedicates ten minutes to watching characters wash their hands has a moral agenda that I can’t get behind. Dirty hands unite!

Competition at the time: This was the first full length animated movie ever - so there wasn’t any competition at the time. But it wasn’t long before Fleischer Studios put out Gulliver’s Travels – which is more than a little influenced by Snow White’s style and tone. And yet, as unwatchable as I find Snow White, Gulliver’s Travels is even more soporiphic.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Almost immediately, Disney recruited the Seven Dwarfs to sell war bonds in various animated commercials and propaganda.

Verdict: It’s a lot like watching home movies by people who think they’re comedians – intercut with ominous Evil Footage from a different, better movie. Suffering through the Dwarfs interminable hijinks nearly drove me to tears. But it does look good. Revolutionary for its time, I can’t imagine a kid who would willingly sit down to watch it today and not get bored by the mere two dimensions and dated humor. It’s only dramatic when the Evil Queen is on screen. I am shocked every time it makes a list of the Greatest Movies Ever Made.

PINOCCHIO

Film: Snow White had proven a hug success, so Disney had few qualms about pouring great amounts of cash into his second feature. Unfortunately, thanks to World War II, the overseas market was gone. Even though it was the biggest domestic success f the year, it lost a great deal of money.

Plot: Old man makes surrogate child out of toy. It starts moving. Rather than killing the moving toy or the bugs that have infested it, the old man lets the toy loose in a town renowned for creeps with moving toy fetishes. The toy navigates this city of pedophiles until it gets swallowed by a fish that also happens to have swallowed the old man. They get out, but the toy has become a creepy real boy, who is then repeatedly fondled by the old man.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Ready for something really subversive? The villains –yes plural – in Pinocchio DON’T DIE. They live on – to terrify and take advantage of others.

Nature of Songs: Unlike Snow White, many of Pinocchio’s songs are highly subversive. From the songs about ditching work (“Hi-Diddley-Dee”) to songs about free thinking (“I’ve Got No Strings”) Is there a punk cover of “I’ve Got No Strings”? If not, there should be. But there are also songs reminiscent of Snow White’s vanilla moralizing and passiveness (“When You Wish Upon a Star”, Give a Little Whistle”) and allowing for fate to see you through.

I prefer the former songs.

My Favorite Moment: Lampwick’s transformation into a donkey. This scene is as scary as anything you’ll see in a horror movie. The fists morphing into hooves. The screams for “Momma!” morphing into squeals. The wild kicking. This scene is truly terrifying. The entire Pleasure Island sequence is frightening – down to the dark “blokes” who separate the talking donkeys from the not-so-talking donkeys. (“I want my mommie!”) How can this not be someone’s favorite moment!

Although the moment I most often quote is Jiminy Cricket’s incredulous reaction to the Blue Fairy’s suggestion that perhaps Pinocchio, now sporting a yard-long nose, is lying. “PERHAPS!?”

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Jiminy’s odd schtick near the beginning of the movie. “Well, you can’t please everybody.” He tries too hard to be funny and silly – essentially talking to himself for the benefit of the audience. Thankfully, once he has Pinocchio to talk through, he mostly drops this habit.

Political Agenda: The boys in Disney cartoons are universally more daring and dangerous than the girls. This movie openly acknowledges that a boy needs to be a little bad and experiment to grow up. It also eschews any romantic subplots in favor of danger and adventure. One of the darkest Disney movies. It contains real drama and danger.

Competition at the time: None that I know of. The only non-Disney animated movie I’m aware of in the next twenty years is Animal Farm.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Jiminy Cricket went on to appear not only in short films (like Mickey’s Christmas Carol), but also another feature film (Fun and Fancy Free). Figaro would go on to appear in just over half a dozen short films himself.

Verdict: My favorite Disney movie. This was the first VHS tape I ever owned. I must have watched it fifty times as a nine-year-old. I know every word by heart and I love it. Every watered-down love story that followed has always felt trite and pathetic and toothless as a result. This is the gold standard.

FANTASIA

Film: Disney had a dream of creating a visual concert film. It was an artsy endeavor. Expensive with no idea of what kind of audience would show up. Well, like Pinocchio, it lost a lot of money. It was not until the sixties, when a generation embraced trippy art films like this and 2001 and the French New Wave, that this movie became truly popular.

Plot: The movie is purposely plotless and abstract.

Nature of Villain’s Death: Each sequence basically follows the same strategy. There is peace, something awakes and chaos runs rampant, but by the end, peace has reigned again. No villains really die. They just seem to retreat back to where they started – that is if there’s any villain at all. The only exception may be “The Rite of Spring” sequence in which all the dinosaurs go extinct due to a change in the earth’s atmosphere. Extreme heat, earthquakes, floods. Death is non-discriminating here.

Nature of Songs: All classical music with no lyrics – other than the Latin in “Ava Maria.”

My Favorite Moment: “Night on Bald Mountain” Chernabog (Bela Lugosi was used as a model for this character) wakes with the fall of night and summons all manner of creepiness to him. The skeletal spirits soaring over the town toward the mountaintop. Chernabog’s shadow spreading over the town – distorting it. His massive wings stretching across the sky. And the music. But specifically, there’s something about that moment when the women, dancing in Chernabog’s hand, turn into pigs and goats, and then into spacey-eyed demons, that absolutely gives me the chills.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: There are many. The final “Ava Maria” scene is pretentious and slow and embarrassing and makes me feel like I’m sitting through a church service. But even worse is anytime the Narrator attempts to explain a piece of music to the audience – especially when the narrator introduces us to the “soundtrack”. It’s too cutesy by half and far, far too condescending to the audience. That moment has aged poorly.

Political Agenda: To bring high-class music to the common folk. One of the boldest moments comes as the Narrator sings the praise of #science and evolution – even though he doesn’t use that word - when introducing the thrilling “Rite of Spring” sequence. If the movie were being released today for the first time, certain political groups would certainly raise a fuss. The movie definitely gives science (represented by “The Rite of Spring”) more weight than religion (represented by “The Pastoral Symphony”).

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Disney attempted numerous knock-off sequels over the next decade, but did not launch an official sequel until Fantasia 2000.

Verdict: An ambitious and beautiful movie. Ahead of its time. Unique in its vision. A movie that is impossible not to respect. As with most anthology movies, some bits play better than others, but as an experience, Fantasia is excellent. Boring for some, thrilling for others, fascinating at least a little to most.

THE RELUCTANT DRAGON

At this time, Disney released a film called “The Reluctant Dragon”. And by “reluctant”, they mean gay, gay, gay. Also surprising is the strong pacifist message a few years into World War II. It’s pretty awesome, actually. It is not readily available on DVD, but it doesn’t matter. The movie is little more than a commercial for how the Disney studio works. Live action documentary footage peppered with short animated movies. The final short (“The Reluctant Dragon”) is the tent pole short, but it’s not even the most well respected in the group.

DUMBO

Film: Dumbo helped the Disney studios a great deal. It was cheap to make, short, and extremely popular.

Plot: A mother receives a deformed child. Prejudice from the community ruins the lives of the mother and son, but the child embraces his differences and eeks out his place in the world.

Nature of Villain’s Death: The villain is PREJUDICE. Prejudice never dies!

Nature of Songs: Mostly embarrassing. From the overly childish “Casey, Jr.” and “Pink Elephants on Parade”, to the typically-goofy-of-its-time “When I See an Elephant Fly”, little of the music has aged well. – although the Pink Elephants on Parade sequence has some stunning visuals. I really love the water parts with the inverted shadows. The only exception . . .

My Favorite Moment: “Baby Mine” I defy you to watch the scene in which Dumbo’s exceedingly sweet mother reaches her trunk through the bars of her cage to cradle her child and NOT be reduced to tears.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: The crows.

Political Agenda: Well, the movie is all about embracing those who are different. Despite looking different from everyone else, Dumbo has something to contribute to society. And yet, with the movie’s depiction of the crows, it rings a bit hollow.

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: In the eighties, Disney produced a live-action children’s show called Dumbo’s Circus. Disney also planned a sequel around 2003, but scrapped it.

Verdict: An extraordinarily moving cartoon. As soon as one of the rude elephants labels young Jumbo “Dumbo” and the Dumbo’s mother reacts by shutting out the mean spirited elephants and cradling her child, the movie has completely seduced the audience. Its depiction of a mother’s love for her child is powerful stuff to be sure. The ending is abrupt and sudden, but satisfying. One of my favorites.

BAMBI

Film: This movie nearly bankrupted the studio. It required an attention to detail and an expansive set of characters that Disney simply could not afford at that time. At one point, an animal vanishes from the screen. This happens because there wasn’t enough money to continue animating the character. (NOTE: on the current DVD, Disney cuts away just before this happens. It’s still on my VHS though). After Bambi, Disney took a break from expensive features for seven years, licking its wounds and deciding how to proceed.

Plot: An animal is born. Animals traipse around the forest giggling and running and shit. Seasons change. Characters become more and more obnoxious.

Nature of Villain’s Death: No villain dies, but Bambi sends Rape Deer crashing into a lake.

Nature of Songs: Shit. They’re all shit. It opens with a sickly sweet song “Love something or other”. The “April Showers” song is unlistenable.

My Favorite Moment: Any scene involving man. Bambi’s mother gets shot by man – inspiring my own mother to criticize my family’s propensity for deer-hunting as “killing Bambis”. That scene is surprisingly tense and beautiful. There’s a real menace present anytime Man is around. The final push through the forest is the only real highlight of the movie.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: So much to choose from. Anytime any character opens their mouth should count, but I’m going to focus on that whole “twitter-pated” sequence. It’s set up by Friend Owl as akin to being possessed by body snatchers. I’m inclined to agree with this assessment despite how it all plays out.

Political Agenda: For one thing, the movie promotes an almost absurd reverence for all things patriarchal. On the other hand, “Man . . . was in the forest.” But all is well because in the end Bambi has – not one – but TWO kids. The more kids you have, the happier the ending. Procreate! Procreate! Procreate!

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: In 2005, they produced Bambi 2. I haven't seen it, but unless Godzilla destroys the forest, it's not worth my time.

Verdict: This movie coasts far too much on cutesy shit. Children saying precious crap. Copious amounts of time are dedicated to animals stumbling around the forest and laughing. We should show this movie to terrorists. Worse than waterboarding.

VICTORY THROUGH AIR POWER

Film: A propaganda film that was created to sell the idea of long range bombings in World War II.

Plot: A dubious animated documentary about the history of aviation and its role in warfare. A creepy Russian with a thick accent paces around a room explaining the importance of more bombs, more airplanes, more armies, more weapons, more, more more!

Nature of Villain’s Death: They get the fuck bombed out of them. And the Japanese Octopus gets scratched and pecked to death by an American Eagle.

Nature of Songs: A patriotic score.

My Favorite Moment: The eagle fights the octopus. The only bit of imaginative animation in the entire movie.

Most Cringe-Inducing Moment: Bullshit swipes at anyone who disagrees with the thesis of the film. In particular, the criticisms of France is especially infuriating. Way to kick someone when they’re down, Disney. Classy.

Also, should we be taking orders from a RUSSIAN? Should we? Huh? HUH!?

Political Agenda: “We must produce a vast amount of weapons of endless variety . . . We must deliver this maze of equipment all over the face of the Earth.” Well, it’s a flat-out diatribe about the importance of long range bombings. The movie is hawkish and is dedicated to those who argued we should build up our armies – going all the way back to 1919, not just focusing on the WWII years. The movie glorifies air warfare in an effort to build up its danger and power, but there’s something eerie about how the narrator describes total defeat at the hands of Nazi air power. “It’s a question of who destroys who first.”

Competition at the time: None that I know of.

How Has Disney Raped the Legacy of this Movie: Disney hid this movie in their vaults for over sixty years. So not much raping. In fact, I would say Disney is a wee bit ashamed of this one.

Verdict: Pretty goddamn boring.