Christmas: The time of year when massive cults roam the Earth recruiting others into their army of oppression thru colorful decorations, sappy music, sentimental appeals to the soul, and the following propaganda:
The Bishop’s Wife
An Angel wanders down from heaven and teaches someone a lesson about love and Christmas.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Angels, Christmas Miracles, i.e. The Happy Supernatural
What it Teaches us: Atheism equals bad. Don’t be atheist.
A Christmas Carol (1951)
Spirits invade a man’s bedroom in the middle of the night and teach him a lesson about respecting others.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Crippled Children, Scrooge Himself, The Happy Supernatural.
What it teaches us: “Bah Humbug” gets you a one way ticket to Hell! God bless us, every one.
A Christmas Story
Even a dysfunctional family comes together on Christmas and finds love.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Christmas Trees, Children, Presents, etc.
What it teaches us: Guns make kids happy.
Home Alone
A kid left alone for the holidays befriends a creepy old man and shit.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Family, Church, Christmas Miracles
What it teaches us: People will go to see the stupidest movies.
It’s a Wonderful Life
A man spends his life saving people, hugging people, dancing with people, marrying his high school sweetheart, but then is miraculously talked out of committing suicide by an angel.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, angels, Christmas Miracles, Christmas Trees
What it teaches us: If the copyright on your movie expires, everyone will say it’s a classic.
Love, Actually
Lots of people scramble about during the holidays finding love and shit.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Christmas songs up the ass, marriages, hugs, divine intervention from Rowan Atkinson's jewlery salesman/angel to unite two young lovers (approximately eight years of age) in a relationship that will undoubtabley survive even the most Christmas-less of times.
What it teaches us: According the most cynical character in the movie: Christmas is a time for being with the ones we love. Thank you, Richard Curtis. Thank you.
Meet Me in St. Louis
The original lyrics for “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas”
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
It may be your last
Next year we may all be living in the past
Have yourself a merry little Christmas
Pop that champagne cork
Next year we may all be living in New York.
No good times like the olden days,
Happy golden days of yore,
Faithful friends who were dear to us
Will be near to us no more.
But at least we all will be together
If the Lord allows.
From now on we'll have to muddle through somehow.
So have yourself a merry little Christmas now.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Christmas Songs, Christmas Miracles.
What it teaches us: New York apparently sucks.
Miracle on 34th Street
A young atheist girl is touched by an old man and learns that there is a Santa Claus.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Christmas Miracles.
What it teaches us: Atheism equals bad. Don’t teach your children skepticism. Teach them about the love of Santa Claus.
The Nightmare Before Christmas
A skelaton kidnaps Santa Claus and turns Christmas into Halloween.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Presents, Kids.
What it teaches us: Even Halloween must bow to the power that is Christmas!
The Polar Express
A little boy is abducted by Tom Hanks and forced to sit on another man’s lap.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, Reindeer, Children, a song about Hot Chocolate
What it teaches us: Santa Claus is real. Totally. Would we lie to you?
The Preacher’s Wife
It’s the Bishop’s Wife, but with black people.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Angels, Christmas Miracles, the Happy Supernatural.
What it teaches us: Black people celebrate Christmas, too.
Santa Claus: The Movie
A dude becomes Santa Claus and . . . I can’t remember. Dudley Moore is in it.
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, Santa Claus, fake-looking Reindeer, homeless children, presents.
What it teaches us: Believing in Santa Claus equals the embodiment of the Christmas Spirit.
Also beware of the following “Special Presentations”:
The Bells of Fraggle Rock
Some bell must be rung and if it isn’t, everyone will freeze to death. Merry Christmas.
The Brave One
Mary goes to Bethlehem on a special ass.
A Charlie Brown Christmas
Linus quotes the Bible and miraculously enables others to grow leaves on dead trees.
A Chipmunk Christmas
Alvin cons a harmonica from Mrs. Claus and uses it to cure a kid of cancer or some other terminal illness.
Frosty the Snowman
A magical hat makes snow do creepy shit.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas
If twenty minutes of cutesy rhyming isn't enough, rent the full length version directed by Ron Howard.
John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together
As if Christmas songs weren’t shitty enough. Now Muppets are singing them.
That McDonald’s Commercial
The kids are ice-skating but the one kid falls down and Ronald McDonald shows him attention. Buy some shitty burgers, kids! Merry Christmas!
Mickey’s Christmas Carol
It’s A Christmas Carol, but worse.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer
Being different is fine as long as you have the Christmas Spirit and are eager to please.
The Smurfs Christmas Special
Satan can be defeated with happy music.
A Star Wars Holiday Special
Life Day. Learn it. Live it. Love it.
Yogi’s First Christmas
Two hours of anthropomorphic animals singing Christmas songs!
Awesome-sounding movies I have not yet seen:
Christmas Evil
Night of the Comet
Santa Claus (1959) [In this film, Santa joins forces with Merlin to defeat Gay Satan.]
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
Silent Night, Deadly Night
Recommended Christmas Movies:
The Apartment
Christmas Icons Present: Loneliness, booze, attempted suicide.
Bad Santa
Christmas Icons Present: Booze, little people, blood soaked plush toys.
Better Off Dead
Christmas Icons Present: Attempted suicide, snow, presents.
Black Christmas
Christmas Icons Present: Escaped lunatics, bloodshed.
Die Hard
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, terrorists, machine guns.
Eyes Wide Shut
Christmas Icons Present: Secret organizations, naked CGI people, christmas trees.
Go
Christmas Icons Present: Ecstasy, Gay People, Strippers, Guns.
Gremlins
Christmas Icons Present: Chaos, a story about how some chick’s dad died.
The Ice Harvest
The best Christmas Present? Getting the fuck out of town.
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Christmas Icons Present: Guns, gay people, sex.
Ordinary People
Christmas Icons Present: Malls, psychiatrists.
The Ref
Christmas Icons Present: Dysfunction, guns, decapitated dolls.
The Shining
Christmas Icons Present: Snow, an axe.
Stalag 17
Christmas Icons Present: Nazis, fierce beatings, an “Is that gay” Christmas Morning.
Very Special Christmas Episodes:
All in the Family (Edith’s Crisis of Faith)
Edith’s transvestite friend gets beaten to death and Edith finds Christmas silly.
Six Feet Under (Pilot)
The head of the family gets killed by a bus and Nate’s mom guilts him into staying at home until he dies.
Tales of the Crypt (And All Through the House)
An escaped lunatic teaches a family about the joys of Christmas – No, I mean he teaches them how to die. My bad.
Whoops! (Say It Ain’t So Santa)
Santa reveals that when the bombs went off, he accidentally locked Mrs. Claus and the Elves outside the bomb shelter because he is so unfamiliar with how to work a doorknob. Thusly they all died. Ho, ho, ho.
Resist the propaganda.
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