There are a lot of obstacles in adapting G. I. Joe into a full-length movie. And most of them stem from the source material: a doll. Over the years, there have been many marketing materials employed in selling these dolls, and most of those took on a life of their own. The comics (especially those written by Larry Hanna) and the mid-eighties cartoon series. In both cases, the attention any character received was determined by which new toy Hasbro was pushing that season. Still, some characters managed to obtain popularity and endure: Snake Eyes, Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow, Zartan, etc. While the characters in the series were generally defined by their role and ability, the characters in the comics actually had complex histories and relationships. Logically, that’s where one would look in adapting G. I. Joe for the big screen. However, it would appear that the writers of the movie were unfamiliar with either the comic OR the series.
The writers could have utilized the comics to focus on the complicated murderous history between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow (which the movie does acknowledge, but overly simplifies) and how it ties them to Zartan. They could have explored Cobra Commander’s relationship with his estranged, revolutionary son. They could have taken advantage of the romantic triangle between Destro, the Baroness, and Major Bludd (who is entirely absent from the movie). They could have recounted the doomed relationship between Ripcord and civilian Candy. But instead, the backstory is reduced to a lame romantic fling between Duke and the Baroness in the most unsurprising development imaginable. No Springfield. No Cobra Island. No Dr. Venom. No shocking deaths.
The writers even ignore the cartoon. The Baroness is American, while members of the Joe team are not(!). Destro does not don his mask until the very end (in a hilariously absurd scene) while the Commander never wears his at all. Ripcord is black. Breaker is Iraqi. Hawk is worthless. And while I understand that no one can replace the late great Chris Latta as the voice of Cobra Commander, the voice Joseph Gordon-Levitt uses sounds like a villain voice put on by a twelve-year old. And Snake Eyes was always a fascinating character despite his silence. Here, he is only trotted out for action scenes. No Shipwreck. No ridiculous Cobra-shaped hideouts. No lame PSA’s.
The movie is pseudo-camp. Rather than approach the subject seriously, or with a modicum of respect, the filmmakers throw garish costumes on the actors, fill the script with recycled clichés and relentless magical exposition, and spin and sweep the camera mercilessly. The cinematography is bland. The score is a generic canned thumping monstrosity. And the actors rush through their awful dialogue breathlessly. Flashbacks are regularly dropped in so clumsily, I have to commend the filmmakers for resisting the urge to introduce them with wavy line dissolves and harp musical cues.
The movie even fumbles on the action scenes. There was a time when stunts showcased physical prowess. They were impressive to marvel at, and even suspenseful as physical harm seemed nearly impossible to avoid. But in the digital age, where cartoons are employed to do most of the stuntwork, action scenes are just an excuse to illustrate how much physical damage property can sustain. Cars crack and windows break. Shit blows up, but none of the leaps and slow motion missiles are remotely convincing.
The only highlight is the flashback between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. As ten year olds, they meet are instantly mortal enemies. While the scene is muddled by poor camerawork and clumsy editing, watching two ten year olds fight in that heightened grown-up Hollywood kick fighting dance is the pinnacle of the movie’s camp sensibilities.
Going camp rather than serious and dark is probably a smart decision. Unfortunately, the filmmakers don’t go far enough in that direction. Generic dialogue from ordinary action scenes are recycled – rather than the tried and pathetic humor from the series. The filmmakers could have had a field day trotting out the Crimson Twins or creating Serpentor or employing Zartan’s propensity for turning blue in sunlight. All ridiculous conceits from the series that are ripe to be mocked. Imagine anyone trying to take Village Peopled Shipwreck seriously. If turning the movie into a comedy, why not take advantage of Cobra Commander’s baffoonish incompetence from the series? As a result, everything feels half-assed and on auto-pilot. The characters are even more paper-thin than the original case files that accompanied each action figure. But in all fairness, that original cartoon really, really sucked. Still, the comic excelled at times. This was a chance for someone to do G.I. Joe right, and they fucked it up royally.
*For the sake of full disclosure, I am a bit bitter because I actually adapted the first fifty issues of the G.I Joe comics into a trilogy of scripts that I think are pretty decent. And they went with THIS instead? Bah!
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