And says his prayers by night,
Can become a wolf
When the wolf bane blooms
And the autumn moon is bright.
The monster-as-victim strategy to horror movies often make the most emotionally complex. This is especially true for that oft ignored sub-genre of horror: the werewolf movie. The inherent tragedy. The inner conflict. The violent sex. And the eternal loneliness his secret curse brings (the best werewolf stories involve the lone werewolf, ostracized from everyone around him, marginalized – as opposed to the recent trend in werewolf movies that involve their living in packs.). The werewolf is man with literal inner demons.
Sadly, there are very few decent werewolf movies, and those few are required to undergo comparison to the granddaddy of werewolf movies, The Wolf Man. Unlike most monster legends, the modern werewolf mythology was born in film – making it the classic monster most aligned with cinema. As a result, werewolf movies are best served when they adhere to the rules set in that movie:
- A werewolf will only change under the influence of the full moon. (For real purists, the autumn full moon.)
- When he changes, bloodlust and animal instincts will overcome all rational thinking.
- A werewolf can only be killed by a silver object – generally a silver bullet.
- Werewolfism is always allegorical for some, hidden aspect of the lycanthrope’s personality – usually sexual.
- Like vampire movies, werewolf movies are loaded with sexual imagery and metaphors.
- Werewolf stories should always be tragic. There is no cure for lycanthropy, other than death.
The following is a list of some of the higher profile werewolf movies around, and how they measure up.
Abbott and Costello Meet Frankenstein
How is the Victim Transformed? Grandfathered werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? By this point in the movies (the fifth movie in the Wolf Man series and the eighth in the Frankenstein series), Lon Chaney, Jr. is effortless at portraying the Wolf Man as a poor, misunderstood, and tortured anti-hero who has been bludgeoned with a silver-tipped cane, encased in ice, shot with a silver bullet, cured, and yet still remains a werewolf. Especially frustrating since Bela, the original werewolf who turned him, died quite easily.
Are the Rules Followed? The moon is full a hell of a lot. At least three nights in a row. The Wolf Man “death” (while inconclusive) has nothing to do with a silver bullet. However, this is the most awesome example of why werewolves hate vampires. Sadly, Dracula’s reflection shows up in mirrors willy nilly! And a werewolf bite no longer spreads the curse from victim to victim.
Who Can You Trust? Abbott and Costello.
Coolness of Transformation: It looks just as it did in the first four Wolf Man movies. It’s grown pretty absurd how the Wolf Man always finds a way to sit perfectly still while he transforms.
An American Werewolf in London
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf attack on the Moors.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Excellent. A stranger in a strange land with a strange problem. And of course, the curse kicks in just as he meets a pretty girl – cementing the sexual awakening aspects.
Are the Rules Followed? Yes, and even mocked. There is a new rule: if someone is murdered by a werewolf, they must walk the Earth as the living dead until the werewolf who killed them is dead – adding to the werewolf’s already mounting feelings of guilt.
Who Can You Trust? Your undead best friend, even if he is advocating suicide.
Coolness of Transformation: So fantastic, it won an Oscar. Aooooooooooooo!
Bad Moon
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Not very well, the victim is a jerk. What makes this movie worth seeing is the performance by the dog. Seriously, the dog is the protagonist. And he out-acts most of the human beings in the movie.
Are the Rules Followed? They bother to explain that any moon will cause a transformation, not just the full moon, but regardless, there’s that same shot of the full moon – night after night after night after night . . . The guy even looks at the full moon one night without transforming immediately. Foul! And as for silver bullets, you can just kill a werewolf by “blowing the fucker’s head off” with any ole bullet.
Who Can You Trust? Don’t trust the dog. He’s on to you.
Coolness of Transformation: I don’t even know how to describe the effect being used here, but it is the worst yet. Still, I kind of like the actual werewolf itself. As fake as it is, it towers over everyone and moves and quick fluid motions.
Big Fish
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Metaphor? The werewolf element of this Forrest Gump knock-off lasts less than two minutes.
Are the Rules Followed? He transforms during the full moon and a silver bullet is kept in the tummy of a clown just in case.
Who Can You Trust? The clown with the gun in his belly.
Coolness of Transformation: We never see the transformation, but the actual wolf looks fairly convincing. I sure didn’t need to see Danny Devito without his shirt on.
Blood and Chocolate
How is the Victim Transformed? As far as I can tell, it’s hereditary. By the way, this movie blows.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Werewolves are supposed to be loners. They don’t hunt in packs!! Bah! Bah, I say!
Are the Rules Followed? “You show no respect for the rules. Without them, we cannot survive.” Most of the dialogue in the first twenty minutes of this steaming pile is nothing but rules this and rules that. They transform at will, but this gives them the advantage of doing a sexy strip dance before changing.
Who Can You Trust? That hot young werewolf-know-it-all.
Coolness of Transformation: Slow-motion, sparkly poop.
Extra beef: A lot of talk about prophecies. I fucking hate prophecies.
The Brotherhood of the Wolf
How is the Victim Transformed? This is not a werewolf movie.
How Does the Metaphor Play? It’s about a dude, who wears a wolf mask, and has a pet “beast” that ravages the countryside. It plays in the same way Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde does. This “victim” actively embraces his beastly side. But here the beast is not within himself; it is an actual physical creature that he keeps in a cage. The two sides are separated into two bodies. But really, the dude isn’t exactly Mr. Nice Guy in his everyday life, so it doesn’t play at all.
Are the Rules Followed? Not applicable. The beast (which is most likely a lion) wears armor and comes out whenever it is unleashed. Day or night. However, the silver bullet mythology is adhered to.
Who Can You Trust? No one. Everyone is a suspect.
Coolness of Transformation: The monster reeks of too much CGI.
The Company of Wolves
How is the Victim Transformed? Undetermined.
How Does the Metaphor Play? This is more of a fairy tale, than a horror movie. Werewolves basically represent all that is evil in the world.
Are the Rules Followed? Not really. This movie has its own drummer. It does cater to the lesser known “born on Christmas Day/Eve” myth.
Who Can You Trust? Jessica Fletcher.
Coolness of Transformation: Every time someone transforms, it’s a little different. My favorite transformation involves a wolf leaping out of someone’s mouth. Although the transformation in which someone rips off their skin to reveal a werewolf underneath is also worth a mention. In all cases, the transformation is highly animatronic. If there were a werewolf ride at Disneyworld, it would look like this.
Curse of the Werewolf
How is the Victim Transformed? His mother is raped by a crazed, imprisoned beggar. Nine months later, she gives birth . . . on Christmas Eve . . .
How Does the Metaphor Play? The first signs of lycanthropy hit with puberty. The attacks are played out like rapes. The movie is practically about a sexual deviant. It’s awesome!!
Are the Rules Followed? Aside from the unusual back story, absolutely. From the full moon to the silver bullets made from a crucifix. It even has a mob of villagers with torches! This movie is incredible!
Who Can You Trust? No one.
Coolness of Transformation: Some old school techniques at work here, but Oliver Reed’s acting is considerably more intense than in any transformation that came before it. Watch him writhe and sweat and rip his shirt while screaming – ha! It’s so absurdly amazing.
Cursed
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf Attack.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Its portrayal of outcasts is so strong, it inspires one confused character to come out of the closet.
Are the Rules Followed? Kevin Williamson wrote the screenplay, which means you don’t have to follow the rules as long as you just reference them.
Who Can You Trust? Your sibling.
Coolness of Transformation: Watch real people transform into cartoons right before your eyes!
Dog Soldiers
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown. Unnecessary.
How Does the Metaphor Play? It’s not so much sexual as a commentary on man’s war-like nature. A unit of soldiers versus a pack of werewolves. Who’s more savage? Yeah, yeah, I know. The same thing was done better with 28 Days Later.
Are the Rules Followed? “Fuck the folklore. Let’s just burn them!” This movie assumes the audience knows the rules . . . and then subverts them.
Who Can You Trust? No one. It’s dog eat dog.
Coolness of Transformation: Unimaginative. I’m appreciative for the aversion to CGI, but must they look so much like costumes?
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
How is the Victim Transformed? Alchemy.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The metaphor of Dr. Jekyll has less to do with being different or a burgeoning sexuality than with getting in touch with your inner evil. It’s still very frank in its sexuality, though.
Are the Rules Followed? Dr. Jekyll makes up his own rules.
Who Can You Trust? Not even yourself.
Coolness of Transformation: Awesome. It won an Oscar. Officially the Oscar was for the actor, Frederic March, but I suspect it was for the transformation scene. All transformations afterward were a step backwards until An American Werewolf in London.
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man
How is the Victim Transformed? See the Wolf Man.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The Wolf Man, he’s one tortured dude, and he lets everyone know about. See that scar? That’s where I was bitten by a wolf. Only it wasn’t a real wolf. It was a werewolf! Ask the old gypsy woman! She knows!
Are the Rules Followed? Apparently, you can stall the Wolf Man indefinitely by blowing up the dam and encasing him in ice. And what’s with the way he comes back to life at the beginning? That doesn’t sit right at all, even though the scene is pretty damn cool.
Who Can You Trust? The pretty young descendent of a mad scientist.
Coolness of Transformation: Slightly more convincing than in the original.
Ginger Snaps
“I told you: no more deaths in the house!”
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf attack on the playground.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The werewolf makes its attack just as one of the girls gets her first period – thus aligning her menstrual cycle with the cycle of the full moon. The main chick’s performance is extremely sexual -- spreading lycanthropy like VD.
Are the Rules Followed? Werewolfism is spread thru sex rather than violent attacks alone. And I’ve never seen a werewolf grow a tail before. There’s a cure in this movie, but it does precious little good.
Who Can You Trust? Your sister is looking out for you. And the hot young werewolf-know-it-all, too.
Coolness of Transformation: The transformation is slow and yucky, yucky, yucky. Which means it’s totally hot.
Yep, I’m into bestiality.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
How is the Victim Transformed? According to The Half Blood Prince, werewolf attack. Fenrir Grayback-style.
How Does the Metaphor Play? “Parents wouldn’t want someone like me teaching their children.” It falls right in line with Harry Potter’s ongoing exploration of bigotry and intolerance for those who are different.
Are the Rules Followed? Apparently, Werewolves are repelled by Hippograffs.
Who Can You Trust? Dumbledore. Harry. Hermione, you know, the gang.
Coolness of Transformation: The close-up of the eye and David Thewlis’ creepy, seizure-rific performance . . . awesome! Sadly, the werewolf itself looks like something from a video game.
House of Dracula
How is the Victim Transformed? Grandfathered werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The doctor sees him transform, and *still* insists that it’s all in his head. Really? How absurd.
Are the Rules Followed? Couldn’t the Wolf Man have visited the doctor during a new moon? And what’s this business about lycanthropy being cured through a cranium operation? And for a bonus, vampirism is spread through a blood transfusion. It’s practically modern.
Who Can You Trust? The mad doctor’s hot hunchback assistant. And his hot non-hunchback assistant, too.
Coolness of Transformation: Same ole shit.
House of Frankenstein
How is the Victim Transformed? Grandfathered werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? More of the same.
Are the Rules Followed? More of the same.
Who Can You Trust? Not the mad doctor. For crying out! Don’t trust the mad doctor!!!
Coolness of Transformation: Same ole shit.
The Howling
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf bite/ werewolf sex.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Too heavy-handed. Infidelity, domestic violence.
Are the Rules Followed? Werewolves during the day? I think not!
Who Can You Trust? Not your husband. That cheating bastard and his supernatural STDs!
Coolness of Transformation: I found the transformation pretty boring, but apparently potential wolf bait are so transfixed by the process, they forget to run for their lives as it’s happening.
The Monster Squad
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown.
How Does the Metaphor Play? “Wolf Man’s got nards!!!” That line of dialogue is as far as the metaphor goes.
Are the Rules Followed? Yes, and there’s a quiz. Silver bullets. Lots of full moons. The Wolf Man is too easily controlled by Dracula. Oh, and he can reconnect if he gets blown up. Next time, use silver dynamite, kids.
Who Can You Trust? That creepy German guy, but he’s trying to kill you.
Coolness of Transformation: Hard cuts of throbbing make-up effects. Eh.
Return of the Vampire
How is the Victim Transformed? Apparently, he transforms under a vampire’s influence.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Everyone in the movie treats this dude’s affliction like it’s some sort of choice he’s making (which makes them assholes), when clearly he’s struggling to resist the vampire’s power. It’s a fruitless battle with no allies.
Are the Rules Followed? Not in the slightest. A vampire magically induces werewolfism? And werewolf movies are silly enough without having the werewolf speak with perfect diction. And he walks around during the day willy nilly.
Who Can You Trust? Your friends are all assholes. Don’t trust them!
Coolness of Transformation: Very long, and very lap dissolved.
Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf
How is the Victim Transformed? Exposure to moonbeams. Seriously. What the fuck is that about?
How Does the Metaphor Play? Apparently, being a werewolf is like being a NASCAR driver.
Are the Rules Followed? Not in the slightest. He’s a werewolf all the time after being transformed. Day and night. And it doesn’t seem to affect him at all. Neither a hindrance nor a help. And all it takes to transform him back is winning the monster drag race. And no tragic ending!! Heresy!
Who Can You Trust? Scooby dooby doo!
Coolness of Transformation: Even for cartoon, this is lame.
She-Wolf of London
How is the Victim Transformed? Allegedly, a family curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Not at all! You know why? Cause there’s no goddamn werewolf in this movie!
Are the Rules Followed? No! There’s no werewolf in this movie! It’s a lie!
Coolness of Transformation: None. There is no werewolf in this movie.
Silver Bullet
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The focus of the movie is on the little cripple boy. The werewolf is just a baddie.
Are the Rules Followed? “As the moon gets fuller, the guy gets wolfier.” As you may have inferred from the title, a silver bullet does come into play. I am a bit baffled by the werewolf’s using a baseball bat to kill rather than, oh say, fangs or claws.
Who Can You Trust? The little cripple boy trusts his fun uncle, but his fun uncle is going to blow your ass away.
Coolness of Transformation: An entire congregation of folks transform in a dream sequence. It’s mostly done through cutting and a terrible, terrible werewolf costume. I could buy a better werewolf costume at fucking Target.
Bonus points for a very young and thin Terry O'Quinn and the most unrealistic dummy ever. It rivals the “polar bear” in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. The bonus points don’t help, though.
Skinwalkers
How is the Victim Transformed? An ancient curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? This is part of a recent trend of werewolf/vampire movies that completely ignore all the tortured sexual and personal aspects of the legends and opt for a video game-like approach.
Are the Rules Followed? Neither for werewolves, nor skinwalkers.
Who Can You Trust? No one.
Coolness of Transformation: Wait a minute! There are no goddamn skinwalkers in this movie!!
Extra beef: More of this prophecy shit! Enough with the fucking prophecies!
Teen Wolf
How is the Victim Transformed? Family curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Teen angst. Lycanthropy equals zits or pubic hair or something like that. For a usually sexual metaphor, the whole thing feels pretty neutered here.
Are the Rules Followed? No. The bitches who made this movie have never seen a werewolf movie in their life. He can transform at will? Blood lust does not overcome rational thinking? A werewolf in the day? Playing basketball? Bah! And a complete lack of tragedy to boot.
Who Can You Trust? Dad. Stiles. Your family. The pretty girl in class that you like. The Coach. The basketball team . . . fuck it. Trust everybody.
Coolness of Transformation: A moderate take on An American Werewolf in London. Not half as awesome.
Underworld
How is the Victim Transformed? A werewolf bite. Excuse me, lycan bite. Your survival rate depends on your heritage and natural immunity to the deadly toxins in the bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? There’s too much exposition and legends and prophecies for me to figure out any metaphor.
Are the Rules Followed? “The moon no longer held her sway. Older, more powerful lycans were now able to change at will.” Kind of. The full moon does initiate the transformation, but the “lycans” can transform whether the moon is out or not. The rules are mostly observed in the trumped up video game way. For instance, rather than using your grandfather’s silver bullets, we now use bullets filled with liquid silver nitrate to infiltrate the blood stream. Can you hear me rolling my eyes?
Who can you trust? Kate Beckinsale. That is if she doesn’t fucking kill you!
Coolness of Transformation: The quasi-transformation is pretty good. It mostly relies on Scott Speedman’s ability to writhe in pain/ecstasy. The full-on transformation is CGI shit.
Extra Beef: Oh, good. A goddamn prophecy.
Van Helsing
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? In a nice bit of symmetry, everyone who is bitten is someone who hunts werewolves. So each victim becomes that which they hunt.
Are the Rules Followed? Silver bullets and full moons. Only what kind of calendar allows for a full moon on one night, to be followed by another full moon two nights later? And there’s a non-descript, Deus ex machina cure. That’s lame.
Who can you trust? Kate Beckinsale. That is if she doesn’t fucking kill you!
Coolness of Transformation: First, the victim rips off his shirt. Then he turns into a CGI cartoon. Only after that does the victim turn into a CGI werewolf. In other words, it’s pure shit.
Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory
How is the Victim Transformed? An overactive pituitary gland.
How does the Metaphor Play: There’s a lot of lust, shame and guilt going around. This movie has the metaphor down. The attacks are even played out like rapes (to an uncomfortable degree).
Are the Rules Followed? I think so. The werewolf is shot. No word on whether the bullet was silver or not. There’s an attempt at a cure that goes horribly wrong.
Who Can You Trust? The new teacher who has had experience with a lycanthropus.
Coolness of Transformation: Awful. A bad mask and hard cuts.
Werewolf of London
How is the Victim Transformed? Bitten by a werewolf in the Himalayas.
What your lycanthropy represents (or lycanthrophobia, as the movie calls it): I swear the meeting of the two werewolves is one of the gayest things I’ve ever seen. Gay. It represents gay.
Are the Rules Followed? This was pre-The Wolf Man. There’s an antidote, but don’t get your hopes up. Also, “the werewolf instinctively kills the thing it loves best.” That rule was acknowledged in The Wolf Man, but was eventually phased out of the werewolf mythology. It’s a shame, cause it was a pretty cool rule.
Who Can You Trust? Other werewolves. There’s a club, apparently.
Coolness of Transformation: The more columns you walk behind, the more wolfy you get.
Werewolf of Washington
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf attack on the road.
How Does the Metaphor Play? This movie is more of a dry political satire than a horror movie. As a result, the metaphor plays as a commentary on the nature of politics. Specifically, the Nixon administration.
Are the Rules Followed? To the letter. This movie is heavily inspired by The Wolf Man. It even recalls the whole seeing-a-pentagram-in-the-hand-of-your-next-victim thing. Still, too many full moons. Come on, people! Let’s check our calendars.
Who Can You Trust? The old gypsy woman.
Coolness of Transformation: Awful. It uses the exact same process as the original wolf man. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the same charm thirty years later.
Wolf
How is the Victim Transformed? (Were?)wolf attack on the road.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Jack Nicholson’s inner wolf is awakened. If any older actors could portray an awakened sexuality, it’s Jack Nicholson.
Are the Rules Followed? In addition to the usual werewolf business, Nicholson also experiences wolf-like abilities in his waking life.
Who Can You Trust? The chick with the tats.
Coolness of Transformation: Minimalistic. As if Jack Nicholson needed an invitation to overact.
Wolfen
How is the Victim Transformed? I don’t know.
How Does the Metaphor Play? It doesn’t.
Are the Rules Followed? It seems to attack during the day. Is anyone else worried that there are so many full moons over the course of a few days?
Who Can You Trust? No one. Everybody is so damn secretive.
Coolness of Transformation: You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Edward James Olmos strip off his clothes, crouch down on all four, drink from a puddle, howl at the moon, and prance around dangling his business at Albert Finney.
How is the Victim Transformed? Alchemy.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The metaphor of Dr. Jekyll has less to do with being different or a burgeoning sexuality than with getting in touch with your inner evil. It’s still very frank in its sexuality, though.
Are the Rules Followed? Dr. Jekyll makes up his own rules.
Who Can You Trust? Not even yourself.
Coolness of Transformation: Awesome. It won an Oscar. Officially the Oscar was for the actor, Frederic March, but I suspect it was for the transformation scene. All transformations afterward were a step backwards until An American Werewolf in London.
Frankenstein Meets the Wolf Man
How is the Victim Transformed? See the Wolf Man.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The Wolf Man, he’s one tortured dude, and he lets everyone know about. See that scar? That’s where I was bitten by a wolf. Only it wasn’t a real wolf. It was a werewolf! Ask the old gypsy woman! She knows!
Are the Rules Followed? Apparently, you can stall the Wolf Man indefinitely by blowing up the dam and encasing him in ice. And what’s with the way he comes back to life at the beginning? That doesn’t sit right at all, even though the scene is pretty damn cool.
Who Can You Trust? The pretty young descendent of a mad scientist.
Coolness of Transformation: Slightly more convincing than in the original.
Ginger Snaps
“I told you: no more deaths in the house!”
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf attack on the playground.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The werewolf makes its attack just as one of the girls gets her first period – thus aligning her menstrual cycle with the cycle of the full moon. The main chick’s performance is extremely sexual -- spreading lycanthropy like VD.
Are the Rules Followed? Werewolfism is spread thru sex rather than violent attacks alone. And I’ve never seen a werewolf grow a tail before. There’s a cure in this movie, but it does precious little good.
Who Can You Trust? Your sister is looking out for you. And the hot young werewolf-know-it-all, too.
Coolness of Transformation: The transformation is slow and yucky, yucky, yucky. Which means it’s totally hot.
Yep, I’m into bestiality.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
How is the Victim Transformed? According to The Half Blood Prince, werewolf attack. Fenrir Grayback-style.
How Does the Metaphor Play? “Parents wouldn’t want someone like me teaching their children.” It falls right in line with Harry Potter’s ongoing exploration of bigotry and intolerance for those who are different.
Are the Rules Followed? Apparently, Werewolves are repelled by Hippograffs.
Who Can You Trust? Dumbledore. Harry. Hermione, you know, the gang.
Coolness of Transformation: The close-up of the eye and David Thewlis’ creepy, seizure-rific performance . . . awesome! Sadly, the werewolf itself looks like something from a video game.
House of Dracula
How is the Victim Transformed? Grandfathered werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The doctor sees him transform, and *still* insists that it’s all in his head. Really? How absurd.
Are the Rules Followed? Couldn’t the Wolf Man have visited the doctor during a new moon? And what’s this business about lycanthropy being cured through a cranium operation? And for a bonus, vampirism is spread through a blood transfusion. It’s practically modern.
Who Can You Trust? The mad doctor’s hot hunchback assistant. And his hot non-hunchback assistant, too.
Coolness of Transformation: Same ole shit.
House of Frankenstein
How is the Victim Transformed? Grandfathered werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? More of the same.
Are the Rules Followed? More of the same.
Who Can You Trust? Not the mad doctor. For crying out! Don’t trust the mad doctor!!!
Coolness of Transformation: Same ole shit.
The Howling
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf bite/ werewolf sex.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Too heavy-handed. Infidelity, domestic violence.
Are the Rules Followed? Werewolves during the day? I think not!
Who Can You Trust? Not your husband. That cheating bastard and his supernatural STDs!
Coolness of Transformation: I found the transformation pretty boring, but apparently potential wolf bait are so transfixed by the process, they forget to run for their lives as it’s happening.
The Monster Squad
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown.
How Does the Metaphor Play? “Wolf Man’s got nards!!!” That line of dialogue is as far as the metaphor goes.
Are the Rules Followed? Yes, and there’s a quiz. Silver bullets. Lots of full moons. The Wolf Man is too easily controlled by Dracula. Oh, and he can reconnect if he gets blown up. Next time, use silver dynamite, kids.
Who Can You Trust? That creepy German guy, but he’s trying to kill you.
Coolness of Transformation: Hard cuts of throbbing make-up effects. Eh.
Return of the Vampire
How is the Victim Transformed? Apparently, he transforms under a vampire’s influence.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Everyone in the movie treats this dude’s affliction like it’s some sort of choice he’s making (which makes them assholes), when clearly he’s struggling to resist the vampire’s power. It’s a fruitless battle with no allies.
Are the Rules Followed? Not in the slightest. A vampire magically induces werewolfism? And werewolf movies are silly enough without having the werewolf speak with perfect diction. And he walks around during the day willy nilly.
Who Can You Trust? Your friends are all assholes. Don’t trust them!
Coolness of Transformation: Very long, and very lap dissolved.
Scooby Doo and the Reluctant Werewolf
How is the Victim Transformed? Exposure to moonbeams. Seriously. What the fuck is that about?
How Does the Metaphor Play? Apparently, being a werewolf is like being a NASCAR driver.
Are the Rules Followed? Not in the slightest. He’s a werewolf all the time after being transformed. Day and night. And it doesn’t seem to affect him at all. Neither a hindrance nor a help. And all it takes to transform him back is winning the monster drag race. And no tragic ending!! Heresy!
Who Can You Trust? Scooby dooby doo!
Coolness of Transformation: Even for cartoon, this is lame.
She-Wolf of London
How is the Victim Transformed? Allegedly, a family curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Not at all! You know why? Cause there’s no goddamn werewolf in this movie!
Are the Rules Followed? No! There’s no werewolf in this movie! It’s a lie!
Coolness of Transformation: None. There is no werewolf in this movie.
Silver Bullet
How is the Victim Transformed? Unknown.
How Does the Metaphor Play? The focus of the movie is on the little cripple boy. The werewolf is just a baddie.
Are the Rules Followed? “As the moon gets fuller, the guy gets wolfier.” As you may have inferred from the title, a silver bullet does come into play. I am a bit baffled by the werewolf’s using a baseball bat to kill rather than, oh say, fangs or claws.
Who Can You Trust? The little cripple boy trusts his fun uncle, but his fun uncle is going to blow your ass away.
Coolness of Transformation: An entire congregation of folks transform in a dream sequence. It’s mostly done through cutting and a terrible, terrible werewolf costume. I could buy a better werewolf costume at fucking Target.
Bonus points for a very young and thin Terry O'Quinn and the most unrealistic dummy ever. It rivals the “polar bear” in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians. The bonus points don’t help, though.
Skinwalkers
How is the Victim Transformed? An ancient curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? This is part of a recent trend of werewolf/vampire movies that completely ignore all the tortured sexual and personal aspects of the legends and opt for a video game-like approach.
Are the Rules Followed? Neither for werewolves, nor skinwalkers.
Who Can You Trust? No one.
Coolness of Transformation: Wait a minute! There are no goddamn skinwalkers in this movie!!
Extra beef: More of this prophecy shit! Enough with the fucking prophecies!
Teen Wolf
How is the Victim Transformed? Family curse.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Teen angst. Lycanthropy equals zits or pubic hair or something like that. For a usually sexual metaphor, the whole thing feels pretty neutered here.
Are the Rules Followed? No. The bitches who made this movie have never seen a werewolf movie in their life. He can transform at will? Blood lust does not overcome rational thinking? A werewolf in the day? Playing basketball? Bah! And a complete lack of tragedy to boot.
Who Can You Trust? Dad. Stiles. Your family. The pretty girl in class that you like. The Coach. The basketball team . . . fuck it. Trust everybody.
Coolness of Transformation: A moderate take on An American Werewolf in London. Not half as awesome.
Underworld
How is the Victim Transformed? A werewolf bite. Excuse me, lycan bite. Your survival rate depends on your heritage and natural immunity to the deadly toxins in the bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? There’s too much exposition and legends and prophecies for me to figure out any metaphor.
Are the Rules Followed? “The moon no longer held her sway. Older, more powerful lycans were now able to change at will.” Kind of. The full moon does initiate the transformation, but the “lycans” can transform whether the moon is out or not. The rules are mostly observed in the trumped up video game way. For instance, rather than using your grandfather’s silver bullets, we now use bullets filled with liquid silver nitrate to infiltrate the blood stream. Can you hear me rolling my eyes?
Who can you trust? Kate Beckinsale. That is if she doesn’t fucking kill you!
Coolness of Transformation: The quasi-transformation is pretty good. It mostly relies on Scott Speedman’s ability to writhe in pain/ecstasy. The full-on transformation is CGI shit.
Extra Beef: Oh, good. A goddamn prophecy.
Van Helsing
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? In a nice bit of symmetry, everyone who is bitten is someone who hunts werewolves. So each victim becomes that which they hunt.
Are the Rules Followed? Silver bullets and full moons. Only what kind of calendar allows for a full moon on one night, to be followed by another full moon two nights later? And there’s a non-descript, Deus ex machina cure. That’s lame.
Who can you trust? Kate Beckinsale. That is if she doesn’t fucking kill you!
Coolness of Transformation: First, the victim rips off his shirt. Then he turns into a CGI cartoon. Only after that does the victim turn into a CGI werewolf. In other words, it’s pure shit.
Werewolf in a Girl’s Dormitory
How is the Victim Transformed? An overactive pituitary gland.
How does the Metaphor Play: There’s a lot of lust, shame and guilt going around. This movie has the metaphor down. The attacks are even played out like rapes (to an uncomfortable degree).
Are the Rules Followed? I think so. The werewolf is shot. No word on whether the bullet was silver or not. There’s an attempt at a cure that goes horribly wrong.
Who Can You Trust? The new teacher who has had experience with a lycanthropus.
Coolness of Transformation: Awful. A bad mask and hard cuts.
Werewolf of London
How is the Victim Transformed? Bitten by a werewolf in the Himalayas.
What your lycanthropy represents (or lycanthrophobia, as the movie calls it): I swear the meeting of the two werewolves is one of the gayest things I’ve ever seen. Gay. It represents gay.
Are the Rules Followed? This was pre-The Wolf Man. There’s an antidote, but don’t get your hopes up. Also, “the werewolf instinctively kills the thing it loves best.” That rule was acknowledged in The Wolf Man, but was eventually phased out of the werewolf mythology. It’s a shame, cause it was a pretty cool rule.
Who Can You Trust? Other werewolves. There’s a club, apparently.
Coolness of Transformation: The more columns you walk behind, the more wolfy you get.
Werewolf of Washington
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf attack on the road.
How Does the Metaphor Play? This movie is more of a dry political satire than a horror movie. As a result, the metaphor plays as a commentary on the nature of politics. Specifically, the Nixon administration.
Are the Rules Followed? To the letter. This movie is heavily inspired by The Wolf Man. It even recalls the whole seeing-a-pentagram-in-the-hand-of-your-next-victim thing. Still, too many full moons. Come on, people! Let’s check our calendars.
Who Can You Trust? The old gypsy woman.
Coolness of Transformation: Awful. It uses the exact same process as the original wolf man. Unfortunately, it doesn’t have the same charm thirty years later.
Wolf
How is the Victim Transformed? (Were?)wolf attack on the road.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Jack Nicholson’s inner wolf is awakened. If any older actors could portray an awakened sexuality, it’s Jack Nicholson.
Are the Rules Followed? In addition to the usual werewolf business, Nicholson also experiences wolf-like abilities in his waking life.
Who Can You Trust? The chick with the tats.
Coolness of Transformation: Minimalistic. As if Jack Nicholson needed an invitation to overact.
Wolfen
How is the Victim Transformed? I don’t know.
How Does the Metaphor Play? It doesn’t.
Are the Rules Followed? It seems to attack during the day. Is anyone else worried that there are so many full moons over the course of a few days?
Who Can You Trust? No one. Everybody is so damn secretive.
Coolness of Transformation: You haven’t lived until you’ve seen Edward James Olmos strip off his clothes, crouch down on all four, drink from a puddle, howl at the moon, and prance around dangling his business at Albert Finney.
The Wolfman (2010)
How is the Victim Transformed? Surviving a werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Amazingly, the metaphor is much less sexually charged in the remake than in the orignal. There's still a chick the dude likes, but he's much less of a wolf to begin with (ifyouknowwhatimean). It mostly translates as feeling out of place because you're an outsider / angry revenge. Or just as being a darkly, closely guarded secret. In any case, Talbot seems less interested in curing himself than in surviving and getting revenge.
Are the Rules Followed? It adheres very closely to the rules laid out in the original movie. However, the gypsies have a much smaller role in the remake (they're more of a red herring if anything), there's no pentagram in the hand of your next victim, and no mention of killing the one you love most . . . although that nearly comes into play.
Who Can You Trust? Not Daddy.
Coolness of Transformation: The transformation borrows a lot from An American Werewolf in London (it's actually overseen by the same make-up artist). It also borrows the close-up of the werewolf's eye from Prisoner of Azkaban. What's really awesome is the fluid viciousness of the attacks. The werewolf is a force of nature as it rips through crowds effortlessly - leaving limbs and intestines spewed across the ground. A nice balance of make-up and CGI.
The Wolf Man (1941)
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf Attack. By Bela, the gypsy woman’s son.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Larry Talbot was a cocky horn dog (peeking in lady’s windows. For shame, Larry!) until one full moon night. His raging sexuality and anger storms to the surface, and he forever becomes a prisoner of his own “mental quagmire.” And some major daddy issues lurking below the surface.
Are the Rules Followed? This movie invented the rules – despite numerous incongruities. The poem is even repeated three times in the first fifteen minutes! The gypsy woman lays it all out: the curse, the pentagram, the wolf bane. Too bad later Wolf Man movies completely ignored these rules.
Who Can You Trust? The old Gypsy woman.
Coolness of Transformation: Lots of obvious lap dissolves. Not too impressive.
How is the Victim Transformed? Surviving a werewolf bite.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Amazingly, the metaphor is much less sexually charged in the remake than in the orignal. There's still a chick the dude likes, but he's much less of a wolf to begin with (ifyouknowwhatimean). It mostly translates as feeling out of place because you're an outsider / angry revenge. Or just as being a darkly, closely guarded secret. In any case, Talbot seems less interested in curing himself than in surviving and getting revenge.
Are the Rules Followed? It adheres very closely to the rules laid out in the original movie. However, the gypsies have a much smaller role in the remake (they're more of a red herring if anything), there's no pentagram in the hand of your next victim, and no mention of killing the one you love most . . . although that nearly comes into play.
Who Can You Trust? Not Daddy.
Coolness of Transformation: The transformation borrows a lot from An American Werewolf in London (it's actually overseen by the same make-up artist). It also borrows the close-up of the werewolf's eye from Prisoner of Azkaban. What's really awesome is the fluid viciousness of the attacks. The werewolf is a force of nature as it rips through crowds effortlessly - leaving limbs and intestines spewed across the ground. A nice balance of make-up and CGI.
The Wolf Man (1941)
How is the Victim Transformed? Werewolf Attack. By Bela, the gypsy woman’s son.
How Does the Metaphor Play? Larry Talbot was a cocky horn dog (peeking in lady’s windows. For shame, Larry!) until one full moon night. His raging sexuality and anger storms to the surface, and he forever becomes a prisoner of his own “mental quagmire.” And some major daddy issues lurking below the surface.
Are the Rules Followed? This movie invented the rules – despite numerous incongruities. The poem is even repeated three times in the first fifteen minutes! The gypsy woman lays it all out: the curse, the pentagram, the wolf bane. Too bad later Wolf Man movies completely ignored these rules.
Who Can You Trust? The old Gypsy woman.
Coolness of Transformation: Lots of obvious lap dissolves. Not too impressive.
1 comment:
Very nice collection of warewolf films here. (i noticed no Teen Wolf 2 tho...does Jason Bateman in a starring role no less not make it a warewolf film somehow?)
Bad Moon always confused me--i mean not the movie itself, but how it got made (by Warner Bros no less) and subsequently released into actual theaters. (i'm not saying its horrible, but it always screamed direct to video to me.)
You are too right about Blood and Chocolate (mmmmm chocolate) not nearly enough chocolate btw! (i think i just learned what btw means btw)
brotherhood of the wolf---i own it, and i'm not sure why---its 2 in a half hours long!!! its kinda cool to see the french take on a warewolf film tho. (if only Truffaut had lived long enough...)
I don't even remember the wolfman that was in Van Helsing---i remember the dracula and the frankstenstein but not so much the wolfman...am i gonna have to see this movie again now???
I'm glad you liked The Wolfman---my friend really wants to see it during the week--but i wasn't so sure i wanted to spend the money on it (i'm like down to my last 100 or so currently..this is not good, btw..man i am abusing the heck outta that!) Anyways--i will prob end up seeing it now mostly cause i feel confident that your solid review will mean that its at least solidly watchable!
Keep Up the Bloggin' (esp now that i know there is one!)
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