GAY MOVIES I OWN ON DVD

AN INVENTORY OF GAY MOVIES I OWN ON DVD

And the Band Played On
I remember it being the first big HBO movie. Matthew Modine is a maverick doctor looking for a cure to the AIDs crisis! Richard Gere and Phil Collins stretch their acting abilities and play gay characters!
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes, he dies.
Hot Gay Sex? I remember no gay sex. Just gay death.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? The main dude is straight, so it’s all about straight people helping gay people. That’s fine.

Angels in America
Another huge HBO movie. According to this Mike Nichols-directed movie, all the dudes in new York are either gay or Mormon or both! And all the women have to deal with it. Lots of trippy imagery. Al Pacino plays an asshole.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes, he dies.
Hot Gay Sex? I think there was an anonymous encounter in the park.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Sure. It won lots of awards! Mike Nichols, Al Pacino, er . . . Meryl Streep.

Apartment Zero
Weird little thriller set in Argentina. Colin Firth is repressed movie buff who takes in sexy border, Hart Bochner. Sexual tension and serial killing ensues.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Depends on how crazy you are.
Hot Gay Sex? Implied bloody sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It’s a thriller about a movie buff. Besides, there’s more murder than gay sex. That’s totally fine.

Being John Malkovich
Spike Jonze’s and Charlie Kaufman’s first big movie. Cameron Diaz sneaks into John Malkovich’s head in order to have sex with Catherine Keener. Later, they have sex without the middle man.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Nope, the straight dude does.
Hot Gay Sex? Nope.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It’s about lesbians and magic portals and marionettes. Every straight guy should own this movie!

Boys Don’t Cry
Hilary Swank plays a chick playing a dude or something. Anyway, she’s sexually confused and she’s in a hick town. What could go wrong?
Does the gay chick get the shaft? Did you not read the description?
Hot Gay Sex? Yes, lesbians go at it. Booby shot!
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Frankly, the lesbians could be a little less butch. But it won an Oscar. Oscar equals straight-friendly.

Brokeback Mountain
Cowboys turn out to be sexually confused. For years and years and years. And years and years and years. And they never move out of hick towns.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Nothing but.
Hot Gay Sex? Yes. Heath Ledger spits on his hand before taking Jake Gyllenhaal from behind. That freaked out a friend of mine.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It won Oscars. And a straight dude directed it. He was Asian, but still!

Crash
It’s not really gay, but it was gay enough to run Paul’s homophobic ass out of the theater!
Does the gay guy get the shaft? The driveshaft!
Hot Gay Sex? No. Just hot car crash sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It’s fine as long as you’re into auto(mobile) eroticism.

The Crying Game
IRA terrorists kidnap some dude – wait a minute. It’s a secret. I’m not allowed to tell.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes, and it freaks his ass out.
Hot Gay Sex? Sure, if you’re into vomiting upon seeing another man’s piece.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It was a secret! I didn’t know! Besides, it won an Oscar. It's fine if it won an Oscar.

Dahmer
Jeffrey Dahmer. What a cut-up!
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yeah, but he dishes out a fair amount of shaft first.
Hot Gay Sex? I don’t remember any.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? As long as you’re into crazy cannibal serial killers.

Election
A high school girl who happens to be attracted to girls tries to get back at her jock brother for stealing her girlfriend.
Does the gay chick get the shaft? Not so much.
Hot Gay Sex? There’s some uncomfortable straight sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Absolutely. It stars Reese Witherspoon. She’s America's sweetheart. And it was nominated for an Oscar.

Far from Heaven
A conflicted married man leaves his wife for a highschool boy and completes himself..
Does the gay guy get the shaft? No, his wife does.
Hot Gay Sex? No.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? This barely registers as gay. It’s really about straight interracial romance! Is this even okay for a white guy to own?


Get Real
British gay boy comes out.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? He learns to accept himself while listening to dance music.
Hot Gay Sex? There might have been. Wait, no there wasn’t.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Well . . . no.

Go
Two gay dudes tolerate a bunch of straight people acting out on Christmas Eve.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? No, the gay dudes come out clean. Mostly.
Hot Gay Sex? They barely touch each other.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? That’s only one third of the movie. The rest is about sex, drugs and violence. Every straight guy should own this movie!

Gods and Monsters
Gay director James Whale becomes self-loathing while remembering the good ole days of the First World War.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes. Mean old Hollywood and their homophobic ways.
Hot Gay Sex? Mostly uncomfortable sexual tension.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It won an Oscar. It's allowed.

Heavenly Creatures
Two school girls become friends. Really good friends. Really, really good friends. And then kill people.
Does the gay chick get the shaft? Let’s just say it doesn’t go well.
Hot Gay Sex? No. Awkward straight sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It’s directed by Peter Jackson. He got his first Oscar nomination with this. And it’s lesbians. Every straight guy should own this movie!

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Gay Perry, played by Val Kilmer, puts up with Robert Downey, Jr. as they investigate a bunch of murders.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? He never even sees a shaft.
Hot Gay Sex? The only reason we even know this guy is gay is because everyone keeps saying so.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Booby shots! Violence all over! Turn down the volume and you’d think it was perfectly straight.

L.I.E.
Pedophile Brian Cox befriends a young boy. Lessons are learned.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Oh, yes.
Hot Gay Sex? No. Thank Christ!
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Sure – if you’re a pedophile!

Monster
Serial killer Aileen Wuornos, played by Charlize Theron, decides that having sex with dudes sucks, so she kills them and has sex with Christina Ricci instead.
Does the gay chick get the shaft? Yes, but she dishes out a lot of shaft first.
Hot Gay Sex? No. Awkward straight sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Charlize Theron and Christina Ricci playing lesbians! Very butch angry lesbians . . . Eh. It won an Oscar.

My Own Private Idaho
Gay hustler River Phoenix lusts after Keanu Reeves for some reason and falls asleep because he’s narcoleptic and quotes Henry IV a lot.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes. Being gay sucks.
Hot Gay Sex? Weird, abstract gay sex with older, German men.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? River Phoenix is really good in it. His best performance ever. That’s why I own it. Seriously!

Mysterious Skin
Gay hustler Joseph Gordon-Levitt goes around having sex with creepy old men while avoiding his childhood friend who was abducted by aliens as a kid.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? The straight kid gets the alien probe.
Hot Gay Sex? Awkward gay sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Joseph Gordon-Levitt is really good in it. His best performance ever. That’s why I own it. Seriously!

The Rules of Attraction
Ian Somerhalder is a gay college student who lusts after James Van Der Beek. And he has a friend named Dick. Oh, and Fred Savage plays a druggie who shoots up between his toes.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yep, being gay sucks.
Hot Gay Sex? Do you count lip-synching to George Michael’s “Faith” as sex? I do.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Did you know James Van Der Beek has three last names. That’s weird.

Running with Scissors
Gay Augusten Burroughs is donated to his mother’s shrink’s family. He has sex with the doctor’s adopted thirty-something mentally-unstable son while listening to a nostalgic soundtrack.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? What he needs to get is out of there!
Hot Gay Sex? Not really.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Not in the least.

Some Like it Hot
Two dudes who dress in drag in order to escape gangsters go to Florida. One falls for Marilyn Monroe. The other falls for Joe E. Brown.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes, he gets Joe E. Brown!
Hot Gay Sex? Two lesbians kiss! If you count Tony Curtis as a lesbian.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? It’s Billy Wilder. Everybody should own this! Why don’t you!

The Talented Mr. Ripley
A lot of gay people are serial killers – according to the movies.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Not the ones who live.
Hot Gay Sex? No, but lots of hot gay sexual tension.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? I saw this on Christmas Day 1999 and was very surprised to find it was so gay. The trailers didn’t make it look gay. The audience was also surprised. It was like The Crying Game – except it didn’t win any Oscars. Surprise!

Velvet Goldmine
British musicians are sexually indiscriminate. Except for Eddie Izzard, who is really a transvestite.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? In the best way.
Hot Gay Sex? Other movies with Ewan McGregor’s penis on parade: Young Adam, The Pillow Book, Trainspotting.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Well . . . no.

Wonder Boys
Robert Downey. Jr. is a grown man who likes brooding college boys and obvious transvestites.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? No, he gets a book deal.
Hot Gay Sex? Only implied gay sex.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Sure, the main dude is Michael Douglas. Totally straight that guy. He smokes pot and gets a chick pregnant.

Y Tu Mamá También
Two friends endure a road trip with some cancer-riddled chick before finally getting to kiss each other.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? One dude vomits after the gay sex. That doesn’t bode well.
Hot Gay Sex? Gay sex, straight sex, masturbation. Something for everyone.
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? Sure, if you like Mexicans.



Gay Movies I Have Borrowed for an Indeterminate Amount of Time

Beautiful Thing
British boys listen to Cass Elliot and become gay.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Actually, this may be the only gay movie where everyone is happy at the end and everything turns out fine. Does this even count as gay?
Hot Gay Sex? These are Brits! Certainly not!
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? No, that’s why I don’t.

Hedwig and the Angry Inch
A tranny/hybrid sings rock songs and lusts after Michael Pitt.
Does the gay guy get the shaft? Yes, not only is he sexually baffled, he is also emotionally tortured.
Hot Gay Sex? Technically, Hedwig has sex with a dude who’s really a chick. But Hedwig is half a chick. The real question should be: Is that gay?
Is it okay for a straight guy to own? No. I’m going to return it any minute now. Any minute now.