I’ve elaborated some on my choices and listed the role that inspired me to fake cast each actor, as well as a line of dialogue from the script I wrote.
Michael J. Anderson as Parkes Jack in God Eat God.
Comparable viewing: Carnivale.
“We are sapient fungus. Grown in some techie’s lab. When we came out corrupt, they figured we were fodder for human testing. Or something like it. Why not? Who cares about us? Christians don’t mind. They didn’t want us here in the first place. We’re just mono-generational specimens, as they called us. I prefer instant genocide. Kind of like instant coffee, except I don’t take cream . . . These are the jokes.”
Michael Angorano as Haynes Young in Bad Influence.
Comparable viewing: Sky High.
“Is it like the Bat Cave?”
Jamie Bell as Grey West in On Both Ends of a Pistol.
Comparable viewing: Undertow.
“Go back to Kansas, Dorothy. We’re all out of Oz here.”
Kristen Bell as Deborah Winters in Apocalypse Eve.
Comparable viewing: Veronica Mars.
“The hell I will. You may be giving up, but I’ve got things to do. People are depending on me. I am not alone.”
Maria Bello as Nicole Jackson in Song Noir.
Comparable viewing: A History of Violence.
“That was Shannon. He wouldn’t answer the door if it was on fire.”
Diego Luna as Dustin Anderson in The Last Oasis.
Comparable viewing: Nicotina.
“It’s the off-season. It’s always the off-season.”
Michael Biehn as T. J. Stevenson in To Kill the Rich.
Comparable viewing: Rampage.
“It’s no good. There’s no money in non-profit.”
Taye Diggs as Martin Griffith in God Eat God.
Comparable viewing: Day Break.
“Yes, I know. Hence the need for research. We still don’t know what happens inside an event horizon. Quantum mechanics, general relativity, gravity. None of those theories explain the mathematical singularity that is a black hole. Doesn’t that scare you? Not knowing?”
Peter Dinklage as Enoch in Apocalypse Eve.Comparable viewing: The Station Agent.
“Do you really think that you have any credibility left with me?”
Zac Ephron as Rider in Bad Influence.
Comparable viewing: High School Musical.
This choice is an attempt to cast against type.
Sarah Michelle Gellar as Michelle Gentry in The Initiation.
Comparable viewing: Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
“I haven’t done anything to deserve this!”
Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Benji in Benji.
Comparable viewing: The Lookout.
“Do you want to know a secret?”
Ryan Gosling as Eddie Seaver in The Suicide Train.
Comparable viewing: Half Nelson.
“I hear voices. I don’t know them. Kind of like whispers. They can be excited. Or sad. Or angry. They warn me. They tell me things. Secrets. Other people’s secrets. And they’re always right.”
Graham Greene as Spears in Escape the Skin.
Comparable viewing: Dances with Wolves.
(In Navajo)”You are in danger. You are all in danger. You may stay for the night. They often approach the cabin at night, but you must leave in the morning.”
Jared Harris as Travelor in Apocalypse Eve.
Comparable viewing: Fringe
“Leviathan. Leviathan, naturally. I know the password. For Safety Shelter Seven. The Reluctant. Named for its denizen, I suspect.”
Keira Knightley as Mary/Diane Allgood in The Last Oasis.
Comparable viewing: Love Actually.
“That’s a hell of a clean knife. Are we going to slaughter some tourists later?”
Shia LaBeouf as Truck in Bad InfluenceComparable viewing: Disturbia.
“You don’t think I could leave my clothes on, do you?”
Mary McDonnell as Evelyn Mahl in On Both Ends of a Pistol.
Comparable viewing: Donnie Darko.
“I better go now. If I stay here another minute, I’m gonna cry!”
Patrick McGoohan as Dr. Russell Sgarlatta in God Eat God.
Comparable viewing: The Prisoner.
“Practically omniscient. I instructed him to monitor you. It has been following you ever since you left your hotel room in Washington. It has your voice and image on file.”
Jeremy Renner as Scott in A Kid Called Conrad.
Comparable viewing: 12 and Holding.
“Then don’t parent in public. If you’re gonna hit your kid, take him home and do it.”
Sam Rockwell as Rhett Jackson in Song Noir.Comparable viewing: Confessions of a Dangerous Mind.
“You don’t take things away from Rhett Jackson!”
Sissy Spacek as Crystal in The Last Oasis.
Comparable viewing: Carrie.
“I better get back. The curse is starting to kick in.”
Nick Stahl as Jason Teller in Song Noir.
Comparable viewing: Bully.
“If she had known she was going to commit suicide, she should have slept with me while she had the chance. Stupid cunt.”
Reese Witherspoon as the Girl in Benji.
Comparable viewing: Legally Blonde.
“Awe fuck, you’re dead – aren’t you?”
The G. I. Joe Trilogy
Simon Baker as Snake Eyes.
Comparable viewing: Smith.
“ . . .”
Cate Blanchett as The Baroness.
Comparable viewing: The Good German.
“I’ll hardly get emotional. But I will show you exactly what a woman is capable of. I will make you regret turning me out.”
George Clooney as Colonel Hawk.
Comparable viewing: Three Kings.
“No. First, I want you know the intense amount of pain you have caused my family and me for the last decade. All I have thought about, from the moment I get up in the mornings, to the moment I drift off to what little sleep I get, and even then in my dreams, all I think about is what I’m going to do to you.”
Johnny Depp as Cobra Commander.
Comparable viewing: Pirates of the Caribbean.
“Soon the citizenry of America will see that we are the most powerful force on the planet. It is not enough to be patriotic. To love your country is passive, weak, unacceptable. Only Americans are fit to rule the planet. And if America herself will not rise to the duty, Cobra will for her!”
Taye Diggs as Stalker.
Comparable viewing: Day Break.
“But their deaths will not go unpunished. Be it know that those responsible will pay for what they have done. They will suffer and hurt ten times the suffering they have caused us. We will met out the most brutal and unforgiving justice imaginable. And we will not tolerate anyone who gets in our way. We will find them and exterminate them. God bless America.”
Famke Janssen as Scarlett.
Comparable viewing: X2.
“I’m not a delicate flower, Hawk. I mean that as a threat.”
Daniel Day Kim as Storm Shadow.
Comparable viewing: LOST.
“I have the memories of a dead man. They are cold and dark like black icicles. And they are not alone. What have you done to me?”
Shia LaBeouf as Ripcord.
Comparable viewing: A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints.
“Hey Robin Hood! Why not ditch that toy and fire some jacketed lead like a real soldier?!”
Tobey Maguire as Breaker.
Comparable viewing: Spider-Man 2.
“What would you do, if you knew that Hawk had Cover Girl killed?”
Johnny Lee Miller as Major Bludd.
Comparable viewing: Smith.
“There was a time when you wouldn’t let someone like Destro tell you what to do. Look at you, now. A stooge for someone so obviously inferior to yourself.”
Clive Owen as Destro.
Comparable viewing: Inside Man.
“We may have some differences of opinion and even some hostility between us, but there are still some things I will not abide by. Patricide is one of them.”
Kiefer Sutherland as Duke.
Comparable viewing: 24.
“I’m the new top sergeant around here, and things are going to be different. From now on, you only have two options. We can agree to disagree or we can take it outside. Your call.”
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