But I think it’s more accurate to say I’m Number Six. And Christmas is the Village.
The above is a commercial that was playing in movie theaters last Christmas season. It’s a joint advertisement between Coca Cola and WalMart. In it, actor John Magaro strolls through an extraordinarily crowded Christmas party – handing out cokes, bumping hands and grinning madly at everyone in attendance as he sings off his connection to each guest he passes. He seems extremely popular. All his friends and family are there, and they’re all thrilled to see him. Everyone is chatting and having fun – despite the fact that there seems to be no alcohol present. Only coke. From a WalMart bag.
If I threw a party, a few things would be different. For one, hardly anyone would show up. Secondly, I would never invite members of my family to a party. The point of a party is to have fun. Not to be on your best behavior. There would be alcohol. People would probably not break out into song. Lastly, I doubt I would be wearing my sweaters indoors – with a room that’s wall-to-wall people. I sweat just looking at it. Too hot.
This is just one image we are regularly exposed to every Christmas. Family, gifts, fist bumps, products. Bright blinking fucking lights. Fake snowmen. Nativity scenes. Fairy tales about virgin births and fat men who crawl into your house while you sleep. Sappy, bell-heavy lite Christian jazz is pumped into every establishment you enter. Every now and then someone will admit that they don’t like how commercialized Christmas is, but what the hell does that mean? Do they not like the saturation of Christian music and imagery? Do they not like the lights and presents and cards? That’s all part of the commercialization. Let’s not fool ourselves. So what is it people like about Christmas exactly?
Let me tell you about my Christmas. Every year, I spend the weekend before Christmas at a family dinner. Presents are given. My mom gives me a bunch of stuff I don’t need. I try to come up with something my parents would like, but I fail miserably every year. On Christmas Eve, I spend the night going to the movies (if I’m lucky enough to avoid another family gathering). Or I stay home and watch some anti-Christmas comfort food on TV. On Christmas morning, I go over to my folks’ house. They give me a gift I’m much more interested in. Maybe we go to another relative’s house and have country ham and biscuits. Then I go to the movies by myself for the rest of the day.
I love having the day off (although this year I would have the day off anyway). I even like getting lost in how days seem to have no meaning over the holidays. They blend together, blur, disappear. But that month leading up to it . . . ugh.
I maintain that Christmas is becoming more and more of a weapon. I hate the ongoing attitude that if you’re not into the spirit of Christmas (whatever that may be), then you’re a Scrooge or a Grinch. But I can’t take how passive aggressive the holiday seems to have become. Despite rampant propaganda to the contrary, Christmas is not hugs and miracles for everyone. For many, it’s an exacerbated ostracization. I appreciate anything that acknowledges an alternative Christmas experience. One that perhaps means disappointment or tragedy or loneliness or even bitterness in the face of relentless sentimentality.
I am particularly frustrated with Christmas movies and stories. I would imagine that if the Christmas elements of It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol were removed, I would actually like them. After all, they’re both rather dark stories about regret and becoming a better person. They’re also surprisingly socialist in their politics. But, of course, neither would exist if it weren’t for Christmas. They are steeped in the Happy Supernatural. They are really more about believing in supernatural forces than being a better person just because you should. It takes angels and overly helpful spirits to reveal this to the protagonists. And when Scrooge does come around to being humanistic, it’s thanks to “the Christmas Spirit”. Can’t a man rage against something that unrelentingly demands conformity and complacence and divine acquiescence, and still be a good person?! I would love to see some version of a Christmas Carol in which Scrooge rejects the message of the spirits, and decides to be a good person on his own terms!
I have a theory about Santa Claus being the training wheels version of Christianity. You spend your early years learning that if you're good and do what you're told, you receive a big magical reward at the end of the year. This system of reward and punishment is tied closely with a magical being who somehow sees all and knows if you're following the rules or not. With Christianity (and most religions), since your reward comes after death, and since no one ever comes back to confirm how true it is, there's a lot of room for doubt as to whether this reward exists at all. Santa Claus, and the entire adult conspiracy to fool young kids about his existence, is practically a necessity just to get people into that mindframe. You're always under the watchful eye of something that judges you. And when you're young, you receive tangible dividends for being good. I think that very much carries into most people's adult lives. Of course, Santa Claus doesn't have a terrifying punishment to discourage bad behavior. That's for the Advanced Behavior-Controlling Mythology.
Halloween is my speed. It’s a holiday that just isn’t for everyone. While we spend that holiday making light of supernatural whatnot, we spend Christmas celebrating and praising many of those same forces. On Halloween, adults are expected to assure kids that there are no monsters or ghosts or witches. On Christmas, we’re expected to take part in this vast conspiracy to fool kids into thinking supernatural shit actually does exist! But there’s less retribution if you decide not to participate in Halloween. If Halloween falls on a Sunday (as it will next year), Christian groups regularly get together to ban it.
Case in point, here’s a Christmas commercial I like. Naturally, it has offended Christian groups who have called for a boycott of Gap. Why? Because the commercial dares to mention other winter celebrations like Hanukkah or Kwanza or (gasp) Solstice. That is one reason I like this commercial. It’s inclusive. Also, I think the dancing is awesome.
I will continue to grumble and suffer through the Christmas season. The decorations that evoke snow, miracles, and magic - despite the fact that none of that happens where I am. The sappy music that praises a magic baby and supernatural serial intruder. I will enjoy myself as I mock Christmas values and criticize excessive decorations. And subject those I can to anti-Christmas movies and music. But the holidays are not something I enjoy. Halloween decorations come down only a few days after the holiday. People are comfortable leaving their Christmas shit up for weeks afterwards. I don’t like being told how to feel. So I don’t like Christmas. But if anyone wants to give me a present, that’s totally cool.
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